Sue 'em All
The 100 Millionth Editorial Written About the Stupid id Software Lawsuit
If you're like me (and I
know I am), you've noticed a dark change spreading in America recently, like
a racing stripe growing in your underwear after a long workout. America used
to be known as the land of baseball, mom and pop, and apple pie. However, one
fateful day years and years ago, mom and pop bit into the apple pie, ignoring
the obvious "WARNING - FILLING MAY BE HOT" label and sued the bakery
for millions. This set off the "era of the lawsuit" we currently live
in, a time where suing has replaced baseball, sex, and sex with baseballs as
America's #1 pastime. The current lawsuit against the entertainment industry
(id software included) forces us to take a look at the big industries that are
currently being sued by every man, woman, child, and crispy:
THE TOBACCO INDUSTRY
Apparently Congress passed a law sometime requiring at least 50 people a day
sue the cigarette industry. I can't walk to work any day without a lawyer coming
up to me and offering to sue cigarette manufacturers. Internet registration
pages now come equipped with boxes marked "check here if you'd like to
sue Phillip-Morris." Sure people suing have a legitimate claim; if you
smoke long enough, you're more than likely going to die or at least begin coughing
up major parts of your respiratory system. But who in the heck didn't know that?
Even if you ignored the warning labels, merely looking at somebody smoke makes
it obvious that it can't possibly be good for you:
Man #1 (lighting up a cigarette):
"Aaaah. I'm in flavor country now, baby!"
Man #2: "What are you
Man #1: "I'm inhaling
large doses of carbon monoxide! Care to join me, Man #1?"
Man #2: "I thought
I was Man #2."
Man #1: (confused) "Hmm...
maybe I need to switch from unfiltered."
So people smoked, got sick,
and croaked. Somebody finally thought, "Hey, how come the tobacco industry
isn't paying my medical bills while I sit in the hospital and decay?" And
now they do. The tobacco industry is coughing up (get it?!?) something like
500,000 billion gazillion dollars (until I get paid for writing, I'm not bothering
looking up statistics) for their congested health care systems which are now
full of ex-smokers and people who watched the latest Pauly Shore movie.
What's the lesson to be
learned? You can get money from corporations by being stupid and ignoring their
Yup, the gun industry is another popular target (get it? I'm on a roll!) for
lawsuits. Guns generally don't have too many different functions, the main ones
* shooting things
* objects used to point
at various living beings and turn them into dead beings
* tools to scare off and
/ or shoot burglars and / or telemarketers
* very dangerous paperweights
So by closely examining
these various uses for guns, we come to the conclusion that if somebody wants
to shoot somebody, they'll more than likely buy and use a gun to do so. States
soon realized that alot of people were catching onto this theory, and their
morgues began filling up with bullet-riddled corpses. So the states decide "despite
the fact that guns are legal, why don't we sue the industry that makes them?"
And they did. And they won. A lot of money. They won so much money, they could
satisfy my porn craving for the next five years. OK, maybe five months. Fine,
only two weeks!
Moral of the story? Despite
the fact than guns are legal, states can sue gun manufacturers for making them.
- It's been quite a while since these guys were sued. In fact, the last major
incident (that I can remember) involving people suing entertainment industry
was when those parents sued the makers of Dungeons and Dragons because their
dumbass kid thought he was a dragon and jumped off a building or something.
He would've survived too, but his hit modifier was too low.
But anyway, I assume everybody
is well aware of the current lawsuit involving the parents of the teens slain
in the Kentucky high school shooting. To summarize, the parents have a $130
million lawsuit against two Internet porn sites, several computer game companies
and the makers and distributors of the 1995 Leonardo DiCaprio film ``The Basketball
Diaries" because they claim all these things made Michael Carneal go on
a killing spree. I think it's important to look at this lawsuit from the parents'
perspectives and trace back the events to see how the entertainment industry
is indeed responsible for the shooting spree:
1) Michael was sitting at
home one day, happy as a clam, engaging in wholesome and fulfilling activities
like knitting or helping the blind or saving baby seals.
2) One of Satan's minions
rushed in and turned on the TV, forcing Michael to watch "The Basketball
Diaries" which made him think about killing people.
3) After a good game of
Quake, Doom, and Mortal Kombat, Michael decided that his classmates would be
good targets because, as we all know, the floating eyeball demons from Doom
look alot like the guy that sits next to you in algebra.
4) He downloaded some porn
which pushed him over the edge and gave him the idea to use a gun to shoot the
So, as you can plainly see,
the prosecutors have layed out a coherent, well thought out, unstoppable case
they will undoubtedly win, assuming the defense hires a broken Pokemon as their
attorney. It's very difficult for me to believe that a lawyer was stupid enough
to want to be the prosecutor for this case - he was probably chosen based on
his proximity to a nearby gas station than his intelligence level.
But why limit the suing
to just these corporations? There's plenty more they can sue:
* The gun industry for not
putting a bright yellow warning on their guns that read "WARNING - Do
not keep this weapon in a house that contains a kid who has access to 'The Basketball
Diaries' and 'www.hotboobies.com'."
* The food industry for
putting too many carbohydrates in whatever food the kid ate that morning. That
obviously gave him the energy to hold the gun and shoot the students.
* The company that put the
air filters in the kid's house. The filters did not weed out the air molecules
that make people want to shoot other people.
* The high school the kids
were shot at, because the English teacher forgot to say "OK class, let's
start reading chapter 12, and no shooting until class is over or you have a
signed permission slip from your parents."
What am I getting at here?
Nobody is responsible for killing those kids other than Michael Carneal. He
got the idea, he loaded the gun, he went to school, he pulled the trigger. Leonardo
DiCaprio (from the "Basketball Diaries"), the cyberdeamon, a scragg,
Johnny Cage, and Chesty LaRue did not shoot the students, Michael Carneal did.
And until the parents can prove otherwise, this lawsuit's going to sink faster
than... Pauly Shore film's box office revenues.
I'd like to wrap up this
rambling by pleading, "America - wake the f*@& up!" It's time
for people to stop these pointless lawsuits. They just feed America's insanely
huge lawyer population, which already outnumber the population of Canada and
could probably beat them in a small battle. If this trend keeps going on, it's
going to be the only industry Americans have left in this huge country. Well,
that and the Olson Twins' movie making studio.
See you in court.
The views in this editorial are not necessarily those of PlanetQuake, its
staff, cheerleaders or legal counsel.
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