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Editorial Index

Recent Editorials:

I WANT my CD key!
12/13 - id's decision to use a CD key is justified

Report Card to the NIMF
12/1 - A response to the NIMF's report on violence in video games

Violence and Gaming
11/16 - Quake responsible for youth violence?

A Purist's Rules for FPS Multi-Player Design
11/5 - Keeping FPS' clutter-free

Rebuttal to Essobie's Editorial
10/15 - Grapple Controversy-Part Deux
The Woes of Being a Multi-Gamer
10/12 - Game Loyalty?
CTF != The Grappling Hook
10/7 - Q3 Arena sans grappling hook?
Jailbreak and Free Lunches
10/4 - Do mod makers "owe" people anything?
Pixels and Texels
9/13 - A look at the future of video cards
Yes, Camping is Evil!
9/2 - A response to "The Evils of Camping"!
Give Me Cable or Give Me Death!
8/31 - Will we all be LPBs one day?
Does Age Equal Maturity?
8/25 - A look at the age factor in gaming.
HeadHunting
8/23 - Mods and intellectual property
To Smack or Not to Smack
8/12 - Trash talking and the FFF!
The Evils of Camping
8/9 - We love to complain!
Trends in the Gaming Industry
7/13 - A look at the shift to multiplayer only games
32-bit Graphics Shows 3dfx's True Colors
7/12 - A continuation about the Voodoo3...
Is She 7 or 17?
6/30 - About the Voodoo3...
Doom 2000 and Q3A
5/26 - Fragmaster speaks his mind
The L33T D00D Multiplayer Tutorial
5/11 - Addressing their needs
Sue 'em All...
4/15 - The id Software Lawsuit
(more)

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Comments or ideas? Feedback?

Sue 'em All
The 100 Millionth Editorial Written About the Stupid id Software Lawsuit
  — by Lowtax

If you're like me (and I know I am), you've noticed a dark change spreading in America recently, like a racing stripe growing in your underwear after a long workout. America used to be known as the land of baseball, mom and pop, and apple pie. However, one fateful day years and years ago, mom and pop bit into the apple pie, ignoring the obvious "WARNING - FILLING MAY BE HOT" label and sued the bakery for millions. This set off the "era of the lawsuit" we currently live in, a time where suing has replaced baseball, sex, and sex with baseballs as America's #1 pastime. The current lawsuit against the entertainment industry (id software included) forces us to take a look at the big industries that are currently being sued by every man, woman, child, and crispy:

THE TOBACCO INDUSTRY

Apparently Congress passed a law sometime requiring at least 50 people a day sue the cigarette industry. I can't walk to work any day without a lawyer coming up to me and offering to sue cigarette manufacturers. Internet registration pages now come equipped with boxes marked "check here if you'd like to sue Phillip-Morris." Sure people suing have a legitimate claim; if you smoke long enough, you're more than likely going to die or at least begin coughing up major parts of your respiratory system. But who in the heck didn't know that? Even if you ignored the warning labels, merely looking at somebody smoke makes it obvious that it can't possibly be good for you:

Man #1 (lighting up a cigarette): "Aaaah. I'm in flavor country now, baby!"

Man #2: "What are you doing?"

Man #1: "I'm inhaling large doses of carbon monoxide! Care to join me, Man #1?"

Man #2: "I thought I was Man #2."

Man #1: (confused) "Hmm... maybe I need to switch from unfiltered."

So people smoked, got sick, and croaked. Somebody finally thought, "Hey, how come the tobacco industry isn't paying my medical bills while I sit in the hospital and decay?" And now they do. The tobacco industry is coughing up (get it?!?) something like 500,000 billion gazillion dollars (until I get paid for writing, I'm not bothering looking up statistics) for their congested health care systems which are now full of ex-smokers and people who watched the latest Pauly Shore movie.

What's the lesson to be learned? You can get money from corporations by being stupid and ignoring their warnings.

GUN MANUFACTURERS

Yup, the gun industry is another popular target (get it? I'm on a roll!) for lawsuits. Guns generally don't have too many different functions, the main ones being:

* shooting things

* objects used to point at various living beings and turn them into dead beings

* tools to scare off and / or shoot burglars and / or telemarketers

* very dangerous paperweights

So by closely examining these various uses for guns, we come to the conclusion that if somebody wants to shoot somebody, they'll more than likely buy and use a gun to do so. States soon realized that alot of people were catching onto this theory, and their morgues began filling up with bullet-riddled corpses. So the states decide "despite the fact that guns are legal, why don't we sue the industry that makes them?" And they did. And they won. A lot of money. They won so much money, they could satisfy my porn craving for the next five years. OK, maybe five months. Fine, only two weeks!

Moral of the story? Despite the fact than guns are legal, states can sue gun manufacturers for making them.

ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY

- It's been quite a while since these guys were sued. In fact, the last major incident (that I can remember) involving people suing entertainment industry was when those parents sued the makers of Dungeons and Dragons because their dumbass kid thought he was a dragon and jumped off a building or something. He would've survived too, but his hit modifier was too low.

But anyway, I assume everybody is well aware of the current lawsuit involving the parents of the teens slain in the Kentucky high school shooting. To summarize, the parents have a $130 million lawsuit against two Internet porn sites, several computer game companies and the makers and distributors of the 1995 Leonardo DiCaprio film ``The Basketball Diaries" because they claim all these things made Michael Carneal go on a killing spree. I think it's important to look at this lawsuit from the parents' perspectives and trace back the events to see how the entertainment industry is indeed responsible for the shooting spree:

1) Michael was sitting at home one day, happy as a clam, engaging in wholesome and fulfilling activities like knitting or helping the blind or saving baby seals.

2) One of Satan's minions rushed in and turned on the TV, forcing Michael to watch "The Basketball Diaries" which made him think about killing people.

3) After a good game of Quake, Doom, and Mortal Kombat, Michael decided that his classmates would be good targets because, as we all know, the floating eyeball demons from Doom look alot like the guy that sits next to you in algebra.

4) He downloaded some porn which pushed him over the edge and gave him the idea to use a gun to shoot the aforementioned people.

So, as you can plainly see, the prosecutors have layed out a coherent, well thought out, unstoppable case they will undoubtedly win, assuming the defense hires a broken Pokemon as their attorney. It's very difficult for me to believe that a lawyer was stupid enough to want to be the prosecutor for this case - he was probably chosen based on his proximity to a nearby gas station than his intelligence level.

But why limit the suing to just these corporations? There's plenty more they can sue:

* The gun industry for not putting a bright yellow warning on their guns that read "WARNING - Do not keep this weapon in a house that contains a kid who has access to 'The Basketball Diaries' and 'www.hotboobies.com'."

* The food industry for putting too many carbohydrates in whatever food the kid ate that morning. That obviously gave him the energy to hold the gun and shoot the students.

* The company that put the air filters in the kid's house. The filters did not weed out the air molecules that make people want to shoot other people.

* The high school the kids were shot at, because the English teacher forgot to say "OK class, let's start reading chapter 12, and no shooting until class is over or you have a signed permission slip from your parents."

What am I getting at here? Nobody is responsible for killing those kids other than Michael Carneal. He got the idea, he loaded the gun, he went to school, he pulled the trigger. Leonardo DiCaprio (from the "Basketball Diaries"), the cyberdeamon, a scragg, Johnny Cage, and Chesty LaRue did not shoot the students, Michael Carneal did. And until the parents can prove otherwise, this lawsuit's going to sink faster than... Pauly Shore film's box office revenues.

I'd like to wrap up this rambling by pleading, "America - wake the f*@& up!" It's time for people to stop these pointless lawsuits. They just feed America's insanely huge lawyer population, which already outnumber the population of Canada and could probably beat them in a small battle. If this trend keeps going on, it's going to be the only industry Americans have left in this huge country. Well, that and the Olson Twins' movie making studio.

See you in court.

-- Lowtax

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The views in this editorial are not necessarily those of PlanetQuake, its staff, cheerleaders or legal counsel.

If you want to try your hand at writing an article or editorial, send it to crispy@planetquake.com. All contributions are welcome.


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