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    PlanetQuake | Features | Articles | Doom - The Comic Book
   

Doom - The Comic Book
Found buried under a stack of old greeting cards, game boxes, and rusty screwdrivers, the Doom comic book was unearthed and brought to an unprepared world.

- By Lowtax

I do need a gun.  For myself. I was not ready.

I remember the unfortunate day I crossed paths with the Doom comic book, it shall forever be burned into my mind. I was walking into Fargo's office to ask him why Jeff K. was continually hanging out around the men's restroom all day, when I spotted something interesting on his desk - a colorful comic book entitled "Doom". It seemed harmless enough; the picture on the cover looked like all the images I had seen of Doom to that point, some guy in heavy armor holding a bandoleer of chaingun ammo while blowing a few rounds through a zombie's head. Fargo was on the phone at that moment, trying to brainstorm a really annoying catchphrase that would make Planetquake look like a bunch of idiots whenever anybody used it ("pweened"), so I had a seat on the couch and leafed through the seemingly harmless comic book. This thing couldn't be any worse than the normal dribble I write for Planetquake, could it?

There is no god!

The Doom Marine on the cover. Looks kinda like Dracula. The Doom Marine in the book. Look just alike, huh?

The first page should've clued me into the impending horror that defines this work of crap. In huge red captions at the top of the page were such narrative gems as "There's nothing wrong with you that I can't fix... with my hands!" and "Who's a man and a half? I'm a man and a half! Berserker packin' man and a half!" The Doom guy, who appeared to have had a face lift from the front cover (see above), was shoving his fist through the spinal cord of an imp with an obvious constipation problem. In the background lie the corpses of about 100 or so monsters that were apparently killed in the preface (obviously edited out for length, or maybe because the writers of this book smoke crack by the metric ton). After reading what the Doom marine was shouting ("DYNAMITE!"), I knew this book could not have been written by only one person. The workload for dialogue alone would've killed them. I looked at the credits and sure enough, it took TWO writers to pen this work of art. In case you pass the local 7-11, you may want to see if any of these guys are working there:

  • "Writer" (guys that got drunk and wrote random words into the empty speech bubbles) - Steve "Body Bag" Behling and Michael "Splatter" Stewart. Look, they're cool because they have gory nicknames! And the Doom comic book is gory too! Wow!
  • Art and Color design - Tom "Gallows" Grindberg. He was the genius that had to make the tough decisions such as "should the blood be pink or green on this page?" and "what color is hair?"
  • Lettering - Edd "Dead" Fear. This was the poor sap that had to rewrite the dribble "Body Bag" and "Splatter" scrawled on the original sketches. I bet he's in an institution now or he has taken his own life.
  • Editing - The Slaughterhouse 3. I don't know who the "Slaughterhouse 3" is, but I'm assuming it's a group of people that were smart enough to not associate their name with this piece of rubbish.
  • Written below that - "Justin 'Massacre' McCormack, Jeremy 'Kidney' Kove, Lisa 'Instant Lobotomy' Leatherman, Dana 'Machete' Moreshed and Bob 'Intern' Prodor all had something to do with the creation of this bloodfest." I assume those were the people that brought in wheelbarrows full of horse tranquilizers for the writers.

Below the credits (word "credit" used as loosely as possible) is the phrase "BASED ON ID'S DOOM AND DOOM II". This was very helpful, because the first time I read through this book I didn't understand the deep and complex storyline, as I assumed it was based off the hit 80's cartoon, "Jem and the Holograms", and not the popular PC game "Doom". I didn't pick up on the fact that the comic book was named "Doom", every ad in the book was for Doom or Doom 2, and "id" was stamped all over the cover. The "Based on id's Doom and Doom II" notice cleared that all up however, and I was able to sleep better that following night. The enigma of the ages had finally been solved.


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