Doom - The Comic Book
Found buried under a stack of old greeting cards, game boxes,
and rusty screwdrivers, the Doom comic book was unearthed and
brought to an unprepared world.
- By Lowtax
was not ready.
the unfortunate day I crossed paths with the Doom comic book,
it shall forever be burned into my mind. I was walking into Fargo's
office to ask him why Jeff K. was continually hanging out around
the men's restroom all day, when I spotted something interesting
on his desk - a colorful comic book entitled "Doom".
It seemed harmless enough; the picture on the cover looked like
all the images I had seen of Doom to that point, some guy in heavy
armor holding a bandoleer of chaingun ammo while blowing a few
rounds through a zombie's head. Fargo was on the phone at that
moment, trying to brainstorm a really annoying catchphrase that
would make Planetquake look like a bunch of idiots whenever anybody
used it ("pweened"), so I had a seat on the couch and
leafed through the seemingly harmless comic book. This thing couldn't
be any worse than the normal dribble I write for Planetquake,
is no god!
Doom Marine on the cover. Looks kinda like Dracula.
Doom Marine in the book. Look just alike, huh?
page should've clued me into the impending horror that defines
this work of crap. In huge red captions at the top of the page
were such narrative gems as "There's nothing wrong with
you that I can't fix... with my hands!" and "Who's
a man and a half? I'm a man and a half! Berserker packin' man
and a half!" The Doom guy, who appeared to have had a
face lift from the front cover (see above), was shoving his fist
through the spinal cord of an imp with an obvious constipation
problem. In the background lie the corpses of about 100 or so
monsters that were apparently killed in the preface (obviously
edited out for length, or maybe because the writers of this book
smoke crack by the metric ton). After reading what the Doom marine
was shouting ("DYNAMITE!"), I knew this
book could not have been written by only one person. The workload
for dialogue alone would've killed them. I looked at the credits
and sure enough, it took TWO writers to pen this work of art.
In case you pass the local 7-11, you may want to see if any of
these guys are working there:
(guys that got drunk and wrote random words into the empty speech
bubbles) - Steve "Body Bag" Behling and Michael "Splatter"
Stewart. Look, they're cool because they have gory nicknames!
And the Doom comic book is gory too! Wow!
and Color design - Tom "Gallows" Grindberg. He
was the genius that had to make the tough decisions such as
"should the blood be pink or green on this page?"
and "what color is hair?"
- Edd "Dead" Fear. This was the poor sap that had
to rewrite the dribble "Body Bag" and "Splatter"
scrawled on the original sketches. I bet he's in an institution
now or he has taken his own life.
- The Slaughterhouse 3. I don't know who the "Slaughterhouse
3" is, but I'm assuming it's a group of people that were
smart enough to not associate their name with this piece of
below that - "Justin 'Massacre' McCormack, Jeremy
'Kidney' Kove, Lisa 'Instant Lobotomy' Leatherman, Dana 'Machete'
Moreshed and Bob 'Intern' Prodor all had something to do with
the creation of this bloodfest." I assume those were
the people that brought in wheelbarrows full of horse tranquilizers
for the writers.
credits (word "credit" used as loosely as possible)
is the phrase "BASED ON ID'S DOOM AND DOOM II".
This was very helpful, because the first time I read through this
book I didn't understand the deep and complex storyline, as I
assumed it was based off the hit 80's cartoon, "Jem and the
Holograms", and not the popular PC game "Doom".
I didn't pick up on the fact that the comic book was named "Doom",
every ad in the book was for Doom or Doom 2, and "id"
was stamped all over the cover. The "Based on id's Doom and
Doom II" notice cleared that all up however, and I was able
to sleep better that following night. The enigma of the ages had
finally been solved.