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    PQ | Features | Articles | Doomhammer & Online DM
   

My First Real Deathmatch
Doomhammer tells us how he lost his modem virginity.
  — by
Doomhammer

The transition from playing on a LAN (Local Area Network) to playing online was an unexpected and humbling experience for me. Here I was, The Doomhammer, king of the LAN, the l33t d00d. I'm talking about 100+ frags in a 20 min Death Match (seriously!). I had been playing on the LAN for quite some time and was pretty confident in my abilities as a "playah". Then the day came to go online and frag with the local guys and gals. So online I went, fully expecting to kick ass like I had grown accustomed to doing on the LAN. But to my total surprise, this new online world was more than my meager LAN skills could muster. This definitely had to be some alternate online reality I had stumbled into. I had convinced myself that the server was running some secret backwards MOD that turned the familiar territory of Quake II into a twisted universe of evil and destruction. I was positive that there was an evil entity at work here, hell-bent on destroying every online newbie (including myself) that dared to join the fray. Not one to be easily discouraged, I foolishly continued my first foray into the depths of DM hell.

Soon I had grasped the basic idea of maneuvering around which made me feel somewhat better about myself, so I continued further. Twenty minutes had passed and the map changed; as I joined in the fun and frag once again I made my second realization. The lava seemed to have a gravitational pull all its own, viciously pulling me into its firey depths whenever I dared to tread too closely. This torture ensued for what seemed like an eternity, though in actuality it was about twenty minutes. I had just gotten used to staying well clear of the lava's pull as the map changed once again. I patiently waited to continue my exploration of this strange new online world. As I sat thinking and praying desperately for a map with little or no lava, I was rewarded with great satisfaction as q2dm1 happily appeared on my monitor. Very good, I thought, no lava to speak of here, only good clean DM fun. I joined in once again and made a bee line for my weapon of choice for dm1 (the railgun of course).

What a fool I was; I should have guessed that the railgun would be rigged too. I quickly found that this weapon mearly mimicked the railgun, but in practice seemed to be a totally different creature altogether. I would depress my fire button and…nothing, nothing - running, jumping, and blammo…it would fire. Several seconds later than I would have preferred. As I foolishly tried to at least get a lucky shot off the thing I was fragged several dozen times; even the guy named Player fraged me (not a pretty picture). At this point the humiliation was more than I could bear - I was seriously entertaining the thought of leaving.

It was at that point my bro (Odessy) entered the room and inquired as to what I was doing. He and I play on the LAN often and our skills are pretty equal, so naturally my response was truthful. "I'm kickin everyone's ass online!" To that he responded, "Oh really! show me…" so I proceeded to the rocket launcher area not knowing what a colossal mistake this would be. At this time Odessy noticed my frag count (or lack thereof) and proceeded to laugh hysterically and roll around on the floor like an idiot. I hate it when his entertainment comes at my expense. Picking up the RL and taking up the chase on "Player" I fired off several rounds of devastation, none of which even came close connecting with their target. This made Odessy laugh even harder. As I explained to him my theory of the MOD that was running on this server I was railed from behind by a vicious soul who obviously had no sympathy for me and my pitiful frag count which was at this time still in the negatives. Slightly enraged by this, I grabbed the RL one again and gave chase, hell bent for revenge. I approached my prey, leaping down from a ledge for that cool vertical attack. I fired a shower of rockets that would have shurley killed anything in their path, including myself apparently. I proceeded to repeat these four steps, rapidly blowing myself up several dozen times. Odessy was hysterical at this point, I thought he might die of laughter. I tried not to listen to him as I pondered yet another strategy that might save what little dignity I had left.

I tried the super shotgun for awhile and was getting a few frags at least. Then four more players joined in, the map changed, and chaos ensued. I spawned into the game, took three steps forward and was eating pineapples before I could get hold of a weapon. The second respawn went pretty much the same way: three steps and whomp! As I respawned a third time I just stood there waiting to get fragged. But everyone just ran by like I wasn't even there. Here was my chance; with nothing to loose I charged, grabbing the superhealth and the supershotgun, a lucky shot to a player who was obviously in serious need of health won me an RL. I bee lined for the sweet spot in the map and screamed "QUAD HO!!!" as I picked up the sweetest of all powerups. With the RL in hand, I proceeded to gib everything in site (even the dead bodies strewn about the area). For a brief moment I was "da playah". The killing spree lasted a good twenty seconds - I was stopped dead by the guy I took the RL from in the first place. He killed me with his blaster...? This was, of course, the direct result of my patented "shoot the wall point blank with the RL" technique. I had "pweened" myself several times, virtually eliminating all the extra hit points I picked up with the superhealth. The laughter resumed from the sidelines; I thought Odessy would die anytime now. I felt at this point that this fiasco had gone on long enough, so I respawned, hooked over to the rail gun, and proceeded to the center of the action all the way yelling "WTF!", "WTF!" like a madman. Dropping into the center of the map, I started punching my taunt, wave, flipoff, and point keys randomly while simultaneously spinning my trackball…

Everyone stopped and began the "LOL" ASCII chat. It was at this point I realized that the line had been crossed. I was going nuts over this thing, and as every one knows you can't play when you are all tense and frustrated. I stopped spinning around like an idiot and paused. Then thanked everyone for a great game, they all replied in kind with messages such as "np", "good to meet ya" and "kill ya later!!". This I thought is what this online deathmatching is all about. Making new friends and having fun.

I realized at that point that I felt good and did have a lot of fun. I said "cya" to all "da playahs" and disconnected.

This was my fist online DM, But definitely not my last…

  — by Doomhammer

 

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