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    PlanetQuake | Features | Articles | The Gauntlet: The Bots Take Over!
   


The Gauntlet
Lee'Mon gets shoved aside as the Q3A bots decide to duke it out themselves, but with words and not rockets.
  — by Lee'Mon and Spyke


Welcome to the "The Gauntlet"! They say that there are two sides to every argument, and the debates within the Quake community are no exception. That's why we created "The Gauntlet".

Our top two PlanetQuake staff writers, Spyke and Lee'Mon, often find themselves on opposite sides of an argument. We could have them each post their own editorial, but PQ readers have let us know what they really want: bloody combat!

So, we squared the two off in a custom arena, and let them use whatever facts, opinions, arguments, and insults necessary to make their point. Then we let you, the readers, decide the outcome! So watch and read as these two enter the battle royal, and vote on which side you agree with!

This week's Gauntlet is a bit late, but for a good reason. Lee'Mon foolishly merged the QuakeIIIArena source code with a new experimental AI code developed deep within the research labs of the local university. The result: the NeuroBot mod for Q3A, featuring the most advanced bot AI available.

Unfortunately, the bots were a bit more intelligent than planned. Enabling themselves as a TSR outside of Q3A, they locked down Lee'Mon's computer, hid The Gauntlet, and began their demands. After hours of debate, Lee'Mon talked them down to a voluntary surrender and return to Q3A... IF they were able to debate in a Gauntlet of their own.

Let the debate begin! spyke supports LPBs and laughs at the perils of HPBs, while Lee'Mon condemns LPBs and stands for the HPBs cause... at least for the next week.


Sarge: Alright, pipe down, you good-for-nothing grunts!

Grunt: Hey!

Sarge: Deal with it, soldier. We've only got one column to our name here, and we'd best make the most of it.

Grunt: Who put you in charge of this thing, anyway?

Grunt was gunned down by Sarge

Sarge: I believe it was General Boomstick here. Now, we're here to debate one simple thing in the Arenas. Fog: good or bad? Now all of you present your arguments, then shaddup so I can get back to kicking your newbie asses.

Klesk: Yessssss, let ussss end thisss pointlesss arguing.

Uriel: I fail to see what you all find so bad about fog.

Razor: Of course not... you fraggin' surround yourself in it!

Uriel: But what advantage does it give me? None. You can't see me, and I can't see you. If you would pause from your incessant whining long enough to actually listen, you would be far more capable of putting up a decent fight in fog.

@/\/@r|<1: 5|{r00 j00, |=001! F06 |31735 |316 \/\/1/\/c|!

Biker: I agree with the Nintendo jockey there. At least, I think I'm agreeing with him. If I want to make myself hard to see, I'll hide in the dark.

Hunter: You could also try weighing less than a Mack truck...

Hunter mistook Biker's grenade for a pineapple.

Biker: Point is, I don't need no stinkin' fog. I can hold my own in clear air. [squints, looks at Keel] And I ain't the biggest fella here, either.

Keel: Hold your own? [snort] Big words from a Tier 4 combatant...

Biker: [whips out Lightning Gun]

Keel: Now, hold on, there... [looks around nervously] Can't we all just get along?

Keel accepted Biker's shaft.

Ranger: Hey, Biker!

Biker: Yes?

Biker was pummelled by Ranger

Ranger: Play nice.

Slash: You big meanie! He was right! Fog's no fun! It clogs up my skates!

Doom: Skates?!? You should have it interfere with your rebreather helmet!

Crash: Amen to that...

@/\/@r|{1: '/@, @/\/c| 17 5|{r00z |_|p |\/|'/ l337 h@x0r1/\/6 \/\/@r3z, c|00c|!

Anarki eats Slash's rocket

Slash: That was for forgetting my birthday.

Slash melted from Doom's plasma gun

Doom: Happy Birthday.

Crash: Nice shot!

Doom was pummeled by Ranger
Crash was perforated by Razor's machinegun

Razor: Those two always did team up against everyone else.

Ranger: Yep... the trick is to turn on your allies when they least expect it...

Razor was pummeled by Ranger

Ranger: ...case in point.

Ranger ate two loads of Sarge's buckshot

Sarge: I don't think we're in Slipgate Central anymore, Toto. [looks around] Alright, let's speed this up a little. Who's arguing against fog?

Mynx: You have no idea what the fog of death does to a latex catsuit.

Orbb: Fog costs this unit far too much in Visine supplies.

Tank Jr.: High humidity and/or surface clouds, a.k.a. "fog", can severly disrupt electrical circuits.

Visor: Fog reminds me too much of my last cybronic vapor transfusion.

Sarge: Fine and fragging dandy. Who's left to defend fog?

Major: I refuse to work with any troops that are afraid of a little low-lying cloud cover.

Patriot: I am a creature of the night. Fog's a close second.

Klesk: The perilsss of fog mean nothing to the ssspiritually channeled.

Xaero: It shall not be the fog in the Arena that defeats you, grasshopper... it shall be the fog that clouds your judgement.

Sarge: Rrright. Since you jacksquats can't seem to stop thinking with your trigger fingers, just go ahead and blow each other away to see who's the winner. [waves hand] I don't care anymore.

Mynx: Fine by me.

Patriot: Prepare to meet your worst nightmare.

Visor: Wrong. Lucy in a moo-moo is my worst nightmare.

Major: Ack! Please, spare me the mental image!

Tank Jr.: I shall remove all mental capacity from your cranium immediately.

Sarge: For Carmack's sakes, shaddup and FIGHT!

Patriot eats Tank Jr.'s rocket
Orbb stepped on Patriot's grenade
Klesk is gunned down by Mynx
Tank Jr. is perforated by Major's machinegun
Major melts from Visor's plasmagun
Visor is railed by Xaero

Xaero: Now it is time for you to learn from the master.

Mynx: [flashes catlike smile] Excuse me, "master," but your shoes are untied.

Xaero: Ah, thank you, kind child. [looks down at bare feet, pauses] Shazbot.

Xaero is gunned down by Mynx

Mynx: Men.

Mynx ate Uriel's rocket

Uriel: It appears that everyone forgot about the most dangerous fog-fighter...

Uriel ate two loads of Sarge's buckshot

Sarge: Not everyone. Most disorganized rag-tag group of soldiers I've ever had the displeasure of spending an eternity in combat with. Fog's not better or worse than fragging in daylight; it's only different. I may not be able to see in here, but I can still fight. If I had a frag for every time I'd... I... I... AIEEE!!!!

Sarge was in the wrong place


Spyke will be receiving his very own copy of the Neurobot as soon as Anarki finishes copying himself over, along with 2 gig of Lucy pr0n.

Lee'Mon learned the hard way not to let Klesk write his college term papers.


What's Your Opinion?

What about that fog?
Fog is cool. Who wants to see their opponents anyway?
Fog bites! I can't shoot what I can't see.
What the hell are you guys smoking?!? Can I get some?




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