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    PlanetQuake | Features | Articles | Bring on the Bots!
   

Mods I'd Like To See

  — by
Hellchick

It's been a few years since Quake I came out, and even though the popularity of the original game has waned considerably, mods have been keeping the game alive and kicking well into its old age. The same can be said for Quake II; even long after its release, mods to the game make it a continually changing and fresh playing experience. With new mods coming out nearly every week, you would think that the Quake mod scene would be glutted and that there would be nothing left in the way of new mods.

You would of course be wrong, you ignorant fool. And that's why Hellchick's here to do the thinking for you. Sure, there's a wide and varied spectrum of mods to choose from, almost all of which are fun and exciting to play. But the combination of too much free time and a shortage of my prescribed psychotropics got me musing recently about mods I'd like to see. So sit back, dear readers, and let me enlighten you on what I think the Quake mod scene is severely lacking.

The "Hunt and Kill Michael Bolton" Mod

The maps for this mod will be huge - global, even! Each player will be given two tools to find Michael Bolton: a copy of his tour schedule and his latest CD which, if listened to, will boost the player's aggression level to homicidal proportions, giving him the killing advantage. The ultimate goal, of course, is to hunt down Michael Bolton and frag his lame and cheesy ass into unrecognizable bloody chunks. Players earn points in the form of money and will receive a substantial monetary reward for achieving the game's goal. It won't be easy, however, since there's only one Bolton and surely thousands of players will be lining up on the servers for their chance to make him sob for mercy like a little girl. Plus, you'll have to mow your way through crazed hordes of estrogen-drunk female fans wielding sharpened copies of his CD, eager to stop your righteous agenda. Though the highest money will be earned by bringing in the corpse of Michael Bolton for the verification of his death, some points can be earned by scalping his treasured ponytail. When Bolton has been found and killed, the mod can be varied by substituting other suitable celebrities, such as John Tesh.

The "NRA vs. the anti-gun lobby" Mod

Players in this mod can choose to be one of two teams: the NRA or the anti-gun lobby. Your job, like most teamplay mods, is to eliminate the other side. Choosing the side of the NRA has its advantages: ready access to the most advanced weaponry available on the black market, and the personal advice of Charlton Heston, who will advise you from a small window in the upper right corner of your HUD. Using illegal campaign contributions, anti-gun lobbyists will attempt to sneak legislation through Congress, thwarting the NRA team's constitutional right to buy a fully-automatic, 50-caliber, shoulder-mounted long-range sniper rifle with a laser range-finder scope and armor-piercing rounds. Though it seems that the NRA team's weaponry gives them an unfair advantage, the anti-gun lobbyists will have the edge in defense in the form of a large supply of congressional representatives to serve as human shields.

The ADD Mod

This mod will appeal to those who forget to take their medication occasionally. First you have to run around the map and find the Ritalin and then you get points and then no wait put that down no no no look over here over here that's it and then you no don't touch that stop that and then you play a game and then run around and then I forget what happens next cause I have to go now.

The Lunch Lady Mod

Remember the days of standing in the school lunch line, hungrily awaiting that ice cream scoop of white rice, the consistency of which made it more suitable for repairing leaks in a nuclear power generator than for feeding students? Well, those days are back in the Quake II Lunch Lady mod - only you're the lunch lady! Stand behind the sneeze guard and hurl sticky spheres of starchy death at apathetic students who will try to thwart your noble efforts to provide them with the proper nutrition. Powerups can be found strewn over the cafeteria map - for example, picking up and wearing the big, black, and pointy 60's-style eyeglasses increases your aim two-fold. What's more, hairnets will give you the equivalent of 100-point armor to shield you from the deadly spork-weilding ADHD children.

These are just a few of the mods that I, personally, think would nicely enhance the current Quake mod scene or, at the very least, get my dosage increased. I'd tell you about a few more, but the nurse is telling me that my favorite show is on in the day room.

- Hellchick


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