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by The PlanetQuake Staff
Match 1B - Round 1
Timelimit: 15 minutes
The map selected for this match is Golconda by Bal. This will be the first time that either of these two combatants have been on this map to compete. It should be an interesting show of who can adjust to the new map, or who has been practicing.
FARGO: More than any other fight, this round is a battle of attrition. And I'm not talking about the players -- I'm talking about our readers. No two players better exemplify disappointing play than these two, who barely made second and second to last. That's right, like the day after Thanksgiving, we're stuck with nothing but seconds. And like leftovers, both players are cold and wholly unappetizing. In a desperate attempt to add some "juice" to an otherwise lackluster contest, I will know introduce the gaming public to these two contenders.
Fargo: Pappy-R, you're a PlanetQuake old-schooler. You were once the man by which other men are judged. And, instead, you were spanked -- and I use that term generously to describe what less sensitive people might call a mauling of Carthagian porportions -- and FAILED to win the Free-for-all by an eight-frag deficit. A winner was not you. How does it feel to be such a miserable failure? To have to prove yourself against Will where, frankly, even your 'fans,' if any remain, are beginning to have doubts?
Pappy: Spanked? I covered my clanmates' butt in the FFA 'cause he promised me cash money. I held back pure and simple! I'll now prove this by going full bore on Will. I'm gonna open this guy up to a world of hurt!
Here is Will at his day job.
Fargo: So you admit to sordid behind the scenes pandering like 4AM in a Vegas parking lot? I would be apalled but for the fact that I'm simply not surprised in the slightest. Next question: Pappy, as a has-been, what keeps you going? How can you continue to fight when even loved ones weep at the tragic site of your poor ex-skillz?
Pappy: Has been?! Remember there Far-gone, old dogs don't chase cars, they wait till ya get out to pet'em to rip into the soft flesh. I've still got my teeth.
Fargo: Honestly, I ... I wasn't even listening, your shallow voice was completely drowned out by my own choking sobs as I mourn the loss of the man who was once my hero. Let's move on to my new hero, Will, PlanetQuake's newest staff member. How are you, Will?
Will: Doing good, thanks for asking. I just finished wrapping up a template for the letter of public apology Pappy-R is gonna fill out and post after I hand him
his ass on a silver platter. How are you?
Fargo: Good good. Tonight you will fight against Pappy-R. I would say that a strong wind could knock Pappy-R out of the running at this point, however, he is fortunate enough to face you. Only technical difficulties kept you from being last place in the seeding round. Have you yet overcome the shame?
Will: Shame? Heh. It was all part of the plan. From my first days at PlanetQuake,
I've been hoaxing the whole staff, playing at half mast so to speak. Pappy-R is damn good. I'll be the first to admit that. Strategy is going to be vital in my victory and I have pin-pointed Pappy-R's sole weakness. Beer. That's right. I plan on staying the match to the latest hour possible, utilizing our time difference to its full potential, in hopes to catch him at a constant buzzed and fatigued state. At which point he will be a catcher's mitt for my grenade launcher.
Fargo: Will, our statisticians have verified that, indeed, you were the ONLY player to have actually successfully killed another with the Gauntlet in PQ Top-Dawg official play. Care to comment on this victory?
Pappy: He killed Sluggo by the way! FDLOL!
Will: Yes, indeed. I conveniently ran out of ammo as I was passing Sluggo in a corridor. I had to stop and say, "Hi." Sluggo had it coming, too. I stated previously that he was placed high onto my list of bastages worthy of humiliation. Pappy-R is next up.
Pappy, is that you?
Fargo: C'mon, face it Will. You're like the Keystone Kop of the Quake community. You're the comic relief we so desperately need in the face of a solid wall of shallow skillz and continual camping. We're watching this match with interest in the same way that we drive slowly past a car accident. Do either of you have ANYTHING to say to make us care about these results? Could either of you hope to take on ASH? C'mon!
Will: I got something to say. I won't go down without a fight. I know I'm the underdog
here. But take note, I'm like Rocky Balboa and Pappy-R is Mr. T. I've got the eye of the tiger. I moved out to the wilderness. I've been huffing heavy logs up snow covered banks. I've strapped a large rock to my mouse hand while I train against poor, innocent victims. It's game time Pappy-R! Ima bust you up sucka!
As for Ash, he a skilled individual. But I could play the whole game crouched and still put the screws to him. He's not in my sights just yet, so I'll spare him the ph34|2 until we throw down. His time will be soon.
Pappy: Will got a bad first match out of this deal, and Ash...is just a
walking chalk outline that hasn't laid down yet.
Fargo: [Taking notes] ...Will huffing, strapped to hand, crouching screw, Pappy is Mr. T and hasn't been laid yet. Got it! Thanks guys!
What do you think?
So now that you've heard what's going on with the match, who do you think will win? Well we have two ways for you to place your wager. First, pick your favorite in the following instapoll. You can then check the results so far of the instapoll, and see what your fellow PlanetQuake readers think about the match. Still sure your pick is going to take the match? Then email into firstname.lastname@example.org and profess your faith. Pappy-R and Will will pick one fan each for this match, and if you're the pick of the winner, you get swag! That's right, all you have to do is pick a fav, and you can win shtuff! Isn't GameSpy great? It's ok, we love you too.
Thanks for voting for your favorite! We'll have the final results of the poll, plus snazzy poll commentary from Will when the match results come in!
Next: Postgame coverage of Match 1B