Here's your chance to get inside the action with premium tournament coverage.
by The PlanetQuake Staff
Match 1C - Round 1
Timelimit: 15 minutes
The map selected for this match is Peccary of Destiny by unitool. This will be the first time that either of these two combatants have been on this map to compete. It should be an interesting show of who can adjust to the new map, or who has been practicing.
FARGO: As everyone knows, the TRUE contest of round one is right here. Hellchick and Sluggo were both ranked right in the middle of the free-for-all, and therefore one would think they are he most closely matched in skills. They will be fighting TOOTH AND NAIL, CLAW AND RAIL, straining their guts out to see ... well, just to see which of these two mediocre players is just slightly less mediocre than the other. This is less of a matchup as it is a giagantic tranquilizer for the Quake community. My first question to both contestants --
Fargo: How do you plan to stay awake during what will surely be a long and grueling match of two equally weak contenders hoping that luck will carry the day?
Hellchick: I've invented a new drink specifically for the match. It contains 2 parts coffee, 4 parts Vivarin, and 1 quart of Bawls soda. Oh, and a little grenadine for flavor.
Sluggo: I plan to win by hiding for 14 1/2 minutes and then springing into action with the gauntlet once Hellchick is asleep.
Fargo: Okay, I apologize for my tone. This will, in fact, be a good match -- after all, Hellchick and Sluggo will be sitting no more than 50 feet from one another. Within shouting distance! How will this affect your performance?
It's just like Hellchick, she's always got a Plan B.
Hellchick: this means that I can attempt to whittle away at Sluggo's
confidence by shouting biting and caustic jabs that defame his skills, his
manhood, and his mother. The rage that's sure to well up in him will cause
him to be careless ... But I'll have to run fast after the match.
Sluggo: I'll have a big bowl of fruit nearby, and tossing it at Hellchick randomly throughout the match. Just LET her try and grab the regen while ducking an apple.
Fargo: Hellchick, your skillz are known far and wide, but our readers really want to know ... Are you really a chick?
Fargo: No, c'mon?
Hellchick: Some have speculated that I'm actually a 42 year old man named Stan Bukowski, that I've been divorced twice, I run a used car dealership, and I live in Bithlo, Florida, and that Hellchick has been a 2 year hoax. However, I'm not at liberty to comment on that.
Fargo: Sal, you've got a great balance play style. You're a great rail player (one of the insta-gib mastahs at GameSpy) and good across the board in both long range and close combat. Our readers are dying to know ... are you really a chick?
Sluggo: Thanks for the compliment, Fargo--
Pappy (from offstage): No, really, Sluggo's a balanced player. He goes down equally well by Rail, Rocket or Gauntlet!
Sluggo: As for whether I'm a chick...no, but I think about it every time I shower. ... (Which is regular, BTW. I *never* miss a Saturday.)
Fargo: Back to Hellchick's corner. You used to RUN PlanetQuake. Quake is your game. Your whole livelihood is dependant on your skillz. Does the pressure to perform go to your head? Are your nervous that Sluggo's rail skillz will bring your whole career crashing to a halt?
Hellchick: Not really, but I have a back up plan: if I lose the match, I
figure I'll start a new career running PlanetWhoWantsToBeAMillionaire. I
Fargo: Question for both of you. Assuming you take this match, what are your chances of going all the way? As a testiment to your lack of abilities, you're given a "bye" in the second round by default if you're victorious. Don't you feel just a little ashamed?
Sluggo: No way! That was my plan for the free-for-all from the beginning -- get the 3 or 4 seed so I could beat the bejeezus out of a medicore oppo...oh, hi Hellchick! Didn't see you there.
Hellchick: I'm not ashamed to take advantage of a second-round Bye at all. I come from a long line of people who'd skated by on favors, oversights, and good looks. In this country, a person can be PROUD of a heritage like that. *sniff* "Go-o-od Bless America-a-a-a..."
Sluggo: And what's this "going all the way" stuff? I thought this was a Quake 3 tourney.
Hey Sluggo! That's not a hat. Oh wait, you're doing this on... heh heh.. purpose. Riiiiiight.
Fargo: Whoa -- Wait a minute, wait a minute. My team of crack statisticians -- and by that I mean, statisticians on crack -- have just brought this to my attention. Sluggo leads the suicide count in the Free-For-All, killing himself NO LESS THAN THREE TIMES with the rocket launcher. The attached screenshot is proof! Sluggo, how do you explain this pathetic display? Is
this the moment where it is revealed to all that you are a near-catatonic freak who's mouse-hand spaztically whirls across the mat against your will while you half-heartedly attempt to control your own twicthing online avatar as it helplessly blows itself to and fro in a pathetic display of abject unquestionable failure, day in and day out? Or, frankly, do you just suck, with little excuse provided for your poor miserable "play" (to use the term in its broadest sense)?
Sluggo: Ummmm. Remember that thing I said about deliberately trying to get the 3 or 4 seed? That wasn't true. Because, *I* would never *REALLY* have *SUICIDED ON PURPOSE* to get my current seed. *REALLY*.
[[ /bind k kill ]]
Hellchick: And that key is going to help you HOW in the 1 on 1's...?
Sluggo: Check that. /bind k kill_HellChick
Fargo: Hellchick, how can you possibly lose this?
Hellchick: only if Sluggo tries to poison me by going into my system
secretly and starting a massive 1 GB download of porn.
Sluggo: [Suddenly excuses self]
FARGO: Well, enough with the bickering. I think we know all we need to know
about the players in tonight's contest. Stay tuned for the results!!
What do you think?
So now that you've heard what's going on with the match, who do you think will win? Well we have two ways for you to place your wager. First, pick your favorite in the following instapoll. You can then check the results so far of the instapoll, and see what your fellow PlanetQuake readers think about the match. Still sure your pick is going to take the match? Then email into email@example.com and profess your faith. Hellchick and Sluggo will pick one fan each for this match, and if you're the pick of the winner, you get swag! That's right, all you have to do is pick a fav, and you can win shtuff! Isn't GameSpy great? It's ok, we love you too.
Thanks for voting for your favorite! We'll have the final results of the poll, plus snazzy poll commentary from Will when the match results come in!
Next: Postgame coverage of Match 1C