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    PlanetQuake | Features | Articles | Quaking At Work And School
   

Quaking at Work and School
An easy, step by step guide to making work more like play. Unless of course you get fired.
  — by
Lowtax

Quaking. It's an addiction. Let's face it; there's many of us out there that just can't get through a day without doing smack - er, playing Quake. The sound of a perfectly placed rocket smashing into an enemy named "PLAYER" is like a powerful narcotic. One just can't gib enough. But there are things in our lives that prevent us from playing as much Quake as we'd like, namely the fact that most of us either have to hold down jobs or go to school. So to address these needs, I have "brainstormed" (read as: "drank too much cough syrup and wrote the lyrics to a Front Line Assembly song on a bar napkin") a bunch of ways to make Quaking a larger part of your life without interfering with work or school. These ideas are all foolproof, ingenious, and have no way of failing unless somebody out there is stupid enough to actually implement them. Still have your doubts? Well just take a look at these letters I got from Bill Gates and Scientology expert Ted Danson, both proclaiming my techniques to be "...a revolutionary success"!

From: credit5@chargepymts.com
Subject: ADV:CREDIT CARD PROCESSING

Dear Friend,

Discover how you can accept credit cards directly from your website, telephone or fax for your products and services and never need to purchase or lease expensive credit card equipment or pay a large monthly fee for online ordering capabilities or real time processing transactions.

OK, that seems to be the wrong letter. Let me try again.

From: BIGDAWG@HOTMAIL.COM
Subject: HELO

HELO I LOVE PLANETQUAEK< HOW DO I USE THE GRAPPLE IN QUAKE?!?!?!?

Sorry, it appears I have misplaced the letters. Oh well, screw 'em, let's get on with the article!

QUAKING AT WORK:

Many people are under the false premise that at work they are supposed to be productive, effective, and generally a good employee. These are all myths. Think about it - if all the company's employees did all their work and were completely efficient, why the hell would they've hired you? By Quaking at work, you are allowing your company to give jobs to more people and create more work. You are, in essence, providing economic opportunities for others. How selfless of you!

The only problem with your thoughtful sacrifice to choose Quake over working could potentially be your boss. In general, bosses aren't in touch with things that are popular with their employees. Corporations are usually run by people who've never played any game by id Software before and prefer doing things like... uh, reading the Wall Street Journal or getting their shoes shined, or drinking bathtub gin with spinsters at a speakeasy. I don't know what they do in their spare time.

So what do you tell "the man" when he walks into your office and sees you shooting hyperblaster bolts at a fleeing crackwhore? Luckily for you (or perhaps unluckily if for some bizarre reason these lines don't work) I have written up some good responses to give your boss when he asks you "Just what the (explicative) are you doing?"

  • "I'm practicing teamwork! I thought you wanted us to work more like a team!" - Bosses like it when all their employees work together and help each other out, unless of course they're working together to steal from the pension fund. I should warn you that this excuse will only work if you are playing a team based game like TFC or CTF... but since your boss probably can't tell the difference between "Capture the Flag" and "Moon Patrol", I guess you could probably use this line for anything you're doing on your computer. Unless you're downloading Muppet porn. That's kind of tricky to explain.
  • "Playing Quake helps me silence the voice of the thousands of angry screaming space daemons in my head" - Corporations like it when their employees are sane. This is because they don't want everybody in their office drinking floor wax by the gallon and screaming at their wristwatch. Carefully explain to your boss that playing Quake is much cheaper than hiring an expensive psychologist who would invariably suggest that you have homosexual tendencies stemming from your father's abandonment of you at a Jiffy Lube when you were seven.
  • "What's that over there, away from my computer? Is it that somebody having sexual intercourse with your wife?" - Because they have a large company to run and lots of things to do, many bosses do not spend enough time at home. As a result, their wives often feel neglected and turn to such options as the UPS guy or various marital aids that can only be purchased at stores being protested by church congregation members. So this is your boss's weak spot; just point away from your computer, shout that, and either quit your game really fast or stab him with your letter opener. It's up to you.
  • "But (your previous boss) let us play Quake all the time! And he won the Humanitarian of the Year award!" - Every company president wants to be better than the next company president, so this can be a very helpful phrase. You can also substitute various things into that statement, but be careful as "but my previous boss let me stick my genitalia into the copying machine" didn't work too successfully in my previous position. You could also try a deviation of this such as "My previous boss didn't let us play Quake either. He also worshipped Hitler."

So those are the major lines you can pitch to get yourself out of trouble. If they don't work for some inexplicable reason, it was probably due to the way you delivered them, or perhaps because I didn't really think them out.


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