Quaking at Work and
An easy, step by step guide to making work more like play.
Unless of course you get fired.
It's an addiction. Let's face it; there's many of us out there
that just can't get through a day without doing smack - er, playing
Quake. The sound of a perfectly placed rocket smashing into an
enemy named "PLAYER" is like a powerful narcotic. One
just can't gib enough. But there are things in our lives that
prevent us from playing as much Quake as we'd like, namely the
fact that most of us either have to hold down jobs or go to school.
So to address these needs, I have "brainstormed" (read
as: "drank too much cough syrup and wrote the lyrics to a
Front Line Assembly song on a bar napkin") a bunch of ways
to make Quaking a larger part of your life without interfering
with work or school. These ideas are all foolproof, ingenious,
and have no way of failing unless somebody out there is
stupid enough to actually implement them. Still have your doubts?
Well just take a look at these letters I got from Bill Gates and
Scientology expert Ted Danson, both proclaiming my techniques
to be "...a revolutionary success"!
Subject: ADV:CREDIT CARD PROCESSING
how you can accept credit cards directly from your website, telephone
or fax for your products and services and never need to purchase
or lease expensive credit card equipment or pay a large monthly
fee for online ordering capabilities or real time processing transactions.
seems to be the wrong letter. Let me try again.
I LOVE PLANETQUAEK< HOW DO I USE THE GRAPPLE IN QUAKE?!?!?!?
appears I have misplaced the letters. Oh well, screw 'em, let's
get on with the article!
are under the false premise that at work they are supposed to
be productive, effective, and generally a good employee. These
are all myths. Think about it - if all the company's employees
did all their work and were completely efficient, why the hell
would they've hired you? By Quaking at work, you are allowing
your company to give jobs to more people and create more work.
You are, in essence, providing economic opportunities for others.
How selfless of you!
problem with your thoughtful sacrifice to choose Quake over working
could potentially be your boss. In general, bosses aren't in touch
with things that are popular with their employees. Corporations
are usually run by people who've never played any game by id Software
before and prefer doing things like... uh, reading the Wall
Street Journal or getting their shoes shined, or drinking
bathtub gin with spinsters at a speakeasy. I don't know what they
do in their spare time.
So what do
you tell "the man" when he walks into your office and
sees you shooting hyperblaster bolts at a fleeing crackwhore?
Luckily for you (or perhaps unluckily if for some bizarre
reason these lines don't work) I have written up some good responses
to give your boss when he asks you "Just what the (explicative)
are you doing?"
practicing teamwork! I thought you wanted us to work more like
a team!" - Bosses like it when all their employees
work together and help each other out, unless of course they're
working together to steal from the pension fund. I should warn
you that this excuse will only work if you are playing a team
based game like TFC or CTF... but since your boss probably can't
tell the difference between "Capture the Flag" and
"Moon Patrol", I guess you could probably use this
line for anything you're doing on your computer. Unless you're
downloading Muppet porn. That's kind of tricky to explain.
Quake helps me silence the voice of the thousands of angry screaming
space daemons in my head" - Corporations like it when
their employees are sane. This is because they don't want everybody
in their office drinking floor wax by the gallon and screaming
at their wristwatch. Carefully explain to your boss that playing
Quake is much cheaper than hiring an expensive psychologist
who would invariably suggest that you have homosexual tendencies
stemming from your father's abandonment of you at a Jiffy Lube
when you were seven.
that over there, away from my computer? Is it that somebody
having sexual intercourse with your wife?"
- Because they have a large company to run and lots of things
to do, many bosses do not spend enough time at home. As a result,
their wives often feel neglected and turn to such options as
the UPS guy or various marital aids that can only be purchased
at stores being protested by church congregation members. So
this is your boss's weak spot; just point away from your computer,
shout that, and either quit your game really fast or stab him
with your letter opener. It's up to you.
(your previous boss) let us play Quake all the time!
And he won the Humanitarian of the Year award!" - Every
company president wants to be better than the next company president,
so this can be a very helpful phrase. You can also substitute
various things into that statement, but be careful as "but
my previous boss let me stick my genitalia into the copying
machine" didn't work too successfully in my previous position.
You could also try a deviation of this such as "My previous
boss didn't let us play Quake either. He also worshipped Hitler."
are the major lines you can pitch to get yourself out of trouble.
If they don't work for some inexplicable reason, it was probably
due to the way you delivered them, or perhaps because I didn't
really think them out.