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Mailbag

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    PQ | Features | Mailbag | January 25, 2002
   

PQ Mailbag

Greetings to all the Quake fanatics and other assorted loons out there! It's time to kick off another mailbag, so let's do it with style. Yes, it is indeed time to "break it down," as my homeboys have been known to say from time to time. Of course, they're also prone to shouting things like "Look at me, I'm dancing like a monkey!" and so it would be wise to take anything they say with a grain of salt. Hell, probably an entire saltshaker.

Perhaps some of you noticed an opening last week for mailbag sidekick. That would explain the email I got about it, anyway. As promised, the majority of the applicants shall be used as fodder for the mailbag's hungry maw, while one lucky winner will rise to fame and/or power. However, I'm pretty rough on sidekicks so you can probably expect a near-weekly turnover on them. I don't even want to think about what happened with the last one, but I will say that I've never seen a cuisinart used that way before. It took weeks to get the stain out of the carpet.

But, enough getting jiggy with it. It's time to introduce our lucky winner... but since I'm lazy, I'll allow my sidekick to introduce himself. Please save the rotten tomatos until after the show.

Greetings, I'm Captain Fresh. As you can see, I'm this week's guest sidekick. Why was I chosen? Well, as you'll soon see, I was simply far more qualified than any of the other candidates. Wow! No subversion, no blackmail, no extortion. Amazing! I'm so much better, in fact, that if no other better qualified candidates present themselves, I might *gasp* have to return next week! Oh no! Now, let's start out by making fun of the other applicants so we can all see what you have to do better than next week.

The wannabes!

From: ConfusedUs
Subject: psychotic mailbag help

Dear madman,

Of course you need a sidekick! You're just not mean enough to the idiots out there. Look at the greatest of the mailbags... the Demonwench era. She was funny, she was insane, and she was downright nasty to the idiots, such as Sinsearach on your last mailbag. Sorry madman, but you just don't have that Inner Core of Nastiness (tm) required to be good at the mailbag.

This is where I come in. I have studied the great DW. I have had long conversations with her. I have a severe dislike for the stupid, the rude, and the idiotic. However, I can understand ignorance, and don't mind helping people that have taken the first step in the right direction.

As your sidekick, I promise to give the mailbag that cutting edge, that killer instinct, and that dry sense of humor lacking since the DemonWench era.

--ConfusedUs
Webmaster for WireHead Studios

a madman: Not mean enough, hmm? Lacking a cutting edge? No dry sense of humor? Why, I'll have you know that my humor is so dry it's been mistaken for the Sahara! My wit is so sharp it can cleave flesh and bone like butter! But hey, I suppose it might not hurt to get some practice...

So... let's get started, shall we? You miserable, puling babe! How DARE you insult me on my own site? Have you forgotten that I control this mailbag? You want nasty, my friend, then you'll have it in spades. Remove your filthy self from my presence! Your mindless babble irritates me, and I fear that long-term exposure will drag me down to your pathetic level.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback! I'll mail you next time I need help - around the time THEY PRY THIS MAILBAG FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!

Captain Fresh: And I'm fully capable of being stupid, rude and idiotic all at once! Observe...FILEPLANET SUX0RS CAUSE I CAN"T LEECH STUFF FROM OTHER PEOPLE, YOU SUCK MADMAN

a madman: Ahh, that was fun. No offense intended, mate, but you were right when you said I needed a warmup. Why, I can barely even make a sailor blush anymore.

Captain Fresh: ConfusedUs, yeah, you confused us alright, or something like that.

a madman: Well put, my friend. He should make an excellent sidekick one of these days. I'll consider his scathing retort his reapplication for the position. In fact, I'm looking forward to it.

From: Poet
Subject: Sidekick ?

Hello good sir.

I present myself :

Poet.

From Leeds in England ( and please keep up the translations. We over HERE in Great Britain do honestly struggle with the bastardised version of our language that you Americans insist on calling your own ... I was once stopped by a Japanese person who asked me if I spoke AMERICAN! I think he must have thought so in the end, based upon the disgusting string of Expletives that spewed-forth from my offended and angered self. )

Anyway, why am I the ONLY choice for Sidekick?

1. I'm English, so I can SPELL !

2. Im a trained Journalist who has worked on such great Orgrans as The Guardian, Living Marxism and the Darlington Town Cry-er! Impressive, I'm sure you'll agree.

3. I'll kick your arse ( correct spelling thank you ). Anytime, Anyplace, Anygame!

4. ( see No.1 )

That's all you need to know for now.

I await your response.

Poet.
Master of the Universe.
Bootlick to the Rich and Famous.
Inventor of the THIRTEEN Inch-long HotDog.

a madman: Masters of the Universe...? He-Man? WOOHOO! And all this time he's been living in England writing articles for some great Orgrans. But weren't Orgrans the fish people he was always fighting?

Captain Fresh: Wow! I never would have imagined He-Man could stay so buff subsisting on tea and crumpets!

a madman: I never knew that it was spelled "orgran," but our buddy Poet here says he can SPELL so I'll take his word for it. Maybe it's only in British dictionaries. I'm also not entirely sure why having a sidekick who wants to kick my ass is a bonus.

Captain Fresh: Maybe he could scare away all the spam the mailbag gets with his mighty power of Grayskull! But I dunno, does this guy really look qualified to answer mail?

a madman: Good point. NEXT!

Captain Fresh: BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL... copy it into your baseq3 directory!

From: Grampappy Joe
Subject: Mailbag Sidekick!!!!

Hi,

I am joe, and I would like to be mailbag sidekick for the day!!! I think my only qualification would be getting the ultimate STFU! from Spyke, on his very last mailbag. I guess requesting nekkid pictures of hellchick every other day got on his nerves... of course I went by munkeeboi back then, so uh, my creativeness hasn't sharpened much... anyway. yeah. I want a crack at some of these monkies e-mailing you saying fileplanet sucks, like you have any control over it, and that they have hax0red quake4 stuff already, which when dl'ed, oddly resembles commander keen. anyway. Hope I get the honor, awww yeah. Out

Grampappy Joe

a madman: Hmm. So... his qualifications are, in his own words, being told to shut the up and not being creative.

Captain Fresh: Well, hell, I can be uncreative too! Observe...FILEPLANET SUX0RS CAUSE I CAN"T LEECH STUFF FROM OTHER PEOPLE, YOU SUCK MADMAN

a madman: STFU!

a madman: Oops. Sorry, Grampappy, but it looks like I've already got an applicant that's just as qualified.

From: Marshall "Raptore" Moore
Subject: That not-spam guy

To the mad man

gaah I'm having a bad day. I'm not gonna bore you with details though.

Ok, here's why I should be your sidekick. I guess i'll give the best reason first. I'm a critical person. I mean I really really like to complain. It's fun to give people crap, especially when they deserve it. And as the guy in charge of the pq mail bag, people send you dumb e-mails on purpose. It's like...fair game in a shooting gallery. I read the e-mails people send you, and read your responses, and I start thinking of other problems with their messages. Like one of the morons about file planet. It's called a MOUSE WHEEL. You SCROLL with it. If you can't operate your browser, how the *(#@ did you get HERE to e-mail me about it?

And I really don't like the people who whine about having to wait for fileplanet downloads. Selfish people. The new fileplanet download system is made so that everyone can have good d/l speeds, not just the odd lucky guy. And you never have to wonder if your file is ever gonna download, because you have a cute little message letting you know just how long it's going to take.

I guess I'm complaining at you even. Oh well. You asked. =p

Another thing I'd be good for is when you get an e-mail over some various technical question. I know alot about the q3a console, and options etc, and I know how to beat the big red meatball in 'that lava map thingy'. I'm also practiced at decyphering(spelling?) strange e-mails, like one you received recently who often reffered to 'IDS' or something. That's id Software, I think. Far as I know, that's not a very common way of reffering to the great quake gods.

Most of the time I hide my critical slant, because it would get annoying and I wouldn't make many friends. But the pq mailbag would be a great oppourtunity to vent on some fileplanet whiners. I heard you say you were going to trash the fileplanet e-mails, but why not give those to me? I'll deal with em...

Ok, I'll cut it off now so that you have time to read some of the other e-mails you're going to get. One last thing: I know how to use a search engine. It seems to be a requirement of your job lately. =)

-Raptore

(pfft.)

a madman: GAH! It's "a madman," damnit! Not "mad man," not "madman," and most especially not "a_madman!" I hate underscores! But, back to the subject at hand...

Captain Fresh: Well, so far not one of these candidates is even close to being better qualified than me.

a madman: Right. No one can dance as much like a monkey as you can. Break it down!

Captain Fresh: *dances like a monkey* Too bad none of you can see that, but if you want an idea of what it looks like...

a madman: Damn that monkey!

Captain Fresh: Ok I'll stop...well, on to the next non-monkey-dancing loser...

a madman: We haven't even talked about this one yet!

Captain Fresh: *starts dancing*

a madman: ...I give up.

Next: More wacky hijinx!


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