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Mailbag

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    PQ | Features | Mailbag | March 29, 2002
   

PQ Mailbag

The intro

It's starting to seem to me that the PQ readers blew their wad with the first month's worth of mailbags. Each week I get less and less intelligent responses, and more and more fodder for the third page. It's almost enough to make a humble madman such as myself lose faith in mankind. Not that I really had much in the first place.

Furthermore, you will undoubtedly be noticing that there's no mailbag sidekick this week. That's mostly because I forgot to look for one until I actually started writing this thing early Friday morning, and my last-ditch cohort (a.k.a. Dire Hamster) felt that using a temporary sidekick three or more times in a row was excessive without some kind of mandate from the people. So, it's another solo quest to enlighten the unenlightenmed this week. I bet you can hardly wait.

Feedback

Some of these are slightly less than punctual, to be sure. I had planned on a mailbag last week but a last-minute change of plans cancelled it. I'd rather not go into it, but let's just say that I spent over half of my time (not just half of my waking hours, but literally 12+ hours each day) between Thursday night and Sunday night working on it. Ugh.

From: Mandelmanden
Subject: mailbag...

this mailbag has turned into pure insanity from something that i don't really know what to call.... are people really this dumb or are those letters actaully something you people sit and write, just so you have something to make fun of???
but if not, i'm terrified of the future of the human race...
AlmondMan

I would like to point out that all entries to the mailbag are true. Seriously. We don't make any of this stuff up. They're unedited and only occasionally censored. People actually DO write these things. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.


From: FILTERed
Subject: [blank]

Umm, you told us to write in and dis on Dire Hampster for his picture, so Im going to ask him a question... are you related to Chris Kattan at all? You know, that one guy on Saturday Night Live who acts out the gay charachters. Cause, dude, you look like him. You decide if thats a good thing or not. Anyway Madman, I would be an awesome sidekick for you. I have several different deathmatching SNs and theyd all be pretty cool. Maybe not as cool as Dire Hampster ( Awesome sn) but cool none theless. Thanks for your time. And I hope everyone on the third page dies. Well, thats kinda harsh. I hope everyone on the third page stubs their toes and it really hurts.

- FILTERed

All right, for those of you who haven't been keeping notes:

Dire Hamster decided to insult some feedback on a desktop reading.

Jube wrote back and commented that, metaphorically speaking, people on the internet who didn't live in glass houses had a much easier time throwing stones. Or to put it simply, the 'Hamster should post a pic of himself for the next sidekick to dis.

Dire Hamster WAS the next sidekick, and so he decided that he would leave the insulting of his portrait to others.

So now we're finally caught up on this particular mailbag drama. I'm sure you'll all agree that FILTERed's retort (irritating caps there, by the way) was quite scathing indeed. Chris Kattan, though? I don't really see it.

Jube's Just Desserts

Perhaps you remember a little scuffle between Jube and Pappy-R concerning a certain comic, and the request for a suitable punishment? Well, these were the answers to that call. Literate or not, relevant or not, I present them for your perusal.


From: "Tyler Morgan"
Subject: punish jube

j00 l0s3 b4d..

digismk

This was the first letter I got, and I hadn't yet checked PQ. I was a bit confused. Fortunately, though, more letters soon arrived to set me right.


From: Octovus
Subject: punish jube

A tie, just slightly under the fraglimit! (That's assuming you use a timelimit). You didn't mention fraglimit or map though, so....not much to go on :-)

-Octovus


From: Roy van Es
Subject: punish jube

Allthough I think Pappy-R will be winning this duel, i HOPE, almost PRAY (very hard for me as an atheist :) ) that Jube will win... /me can allready imagine the pic of the day :))

Roy 'NoSoup4U' van Es


From: Mandelmanden
Subject: punish jube

Oh pappy! i'm most certain that you, with your many years of quaking experience should easily be able to swat a fly like jube like uhm, a man swats a fly... or, jube could be the spider and use a custom map that is extremely intricate and devious and spend many hours learning every inch of it and use that knowledge to kick your but! Good luck man!

[DOD]Almond Man

I find it curious that no one bothered capitalizing Jube's name during any of these. A subtle insult, or just forgetfulness?


From: Poet
Subject: punish jube

Dude,

What's wrong with you.

NEVER SAY YOU'RE GONNA KICK A WOMANS ASS!

That's lesson number 1.

Hell, you can ACTUALLY kick her ass if you want, and might get away with it, BUT NEVER SAY IT!

I pity you I really do.

And you should definately do a couple of quick demos as well.

I think the boys and girls at PQ would love to see some Jube v PappyR action!!!
Could be one of the all-time greats!

You know it makes sense.


lol.



Poet.

Words of wisdom from Poet, to be sure. Sometimes you have to put your money where your mouth isn't, in a manner of speaking. Just one more left...


From: Pure Imaginary
Subject: punish jube

Prediction:

It is always difficult to make a call when I have absolutely no knowledge of Jube's skills, but I can say I know something about Pappy-R. Rocket Arena is his passion, and the Railgun is his soul mate. Pappy-R and the latter eloped one fateful day, and he was forever changed. He developed his near aimbot recognition, allowing him to forcefully impose his love upon his opponents. Alas, he is no immortal! They of great cunning have found ways to defeat him by attacking while staying out of view of the mighty pair. Some call these individuals cowards, but they are merely brilliant, employing strategy when brute force cannot do, forcing the talented but one-dimensional simpleton to his doom! These are the women and men who are capable of defeating the simultaneous magestic and flawed combination of Pappy-R and the controversial weapon and lover, the Railgun.

If Jube is to be of this higher order, she must take the battle to hub3tourney1, ztn3tourney1, or one of id's pro maps. If she chooses another DM arena, she will be too weak against Pappy-R, even in arenas that do not contain the Railgun threat. If Jube elects to duel in another mod, notably Rocket Arena or Instagib, she will play right into her adversary's hands. Finally, and however, if Jube lures Pappy-R into competing with the Challenge Pro Mode DM rules, she will have placed Pappy-R in a world where he shall surely self-destruct!

I wish the best of luck to both competitors, as the match will be decided with unforgiving brevity.

-Pure Imaginary

P. S. I play winner.

This was no doubt the most interesting of the entries we received. It had a certain poetry to it, an epic scale as history was laid out for the viewing. Pure Imaginary's writing is no doubt a worthy addition to the mailbag. The prediction of Jube's railgun-less arena was correct, as was the prediction of the final outcome. I had no idea that Pappy loved the railgun *that* much, but in retrospect I'd have to say it comes as no surprise. It leaves but one question, though... what will the children look like? Ah, well, at least they'll be loved...

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