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    PQ | Features | Mailbag | July 20, 2002

PQ Mailbag

Introduction, sidekick, and so forth

Greetings once more, and welcome to the mailbag. Gather around, friends, as we're about to embark upon a grand journey - or as the French call it, un voyage grand - through the reader mail!

Right. So anyway, Dire Hamster is here with me again as we wade through the letters and set fire to the remnants. There may even be some swearing involved, and alcohol may or may not play an important role. Fortunately for us it's a short trip this time, so let's get this thing started.

Let the miscellany begin!

Can't say we got enough letters to do the traditional mailbag categories. Beats a flood of tech support, at least. Somehow, though, we still managed to get some of the worst letters I've ever seen.

From: Dan
Subject: Blast from the PAST!!! :)

This is actually a request of sorts...

You know I love the way PlanetQuake looks and all...

BUT...I'm feeling really down right now...nostalgia is hitting me hard...everything is changing so fast...and all of a sudden He-Man and GI JOE's arent cool anymore, and everyone is into Poke-Crap and all...

An old timer like me needs his spirit rekindled...

I was just wondering if we could have a day of the OLD OLD OLD OLLLLLDDD PlanetQuake layout...

Old colors and all...Black background, orange text, and bitchin teal news squares....

Just a request tho...


PS: I might be dying so do this one last thing for me! :)

a madman: As much as I'd love to do this for you, it would actually require work. Since my real job is actually avoiding as much work as humanly possible, this would create a conflict of interests.

Dire Hamster: Besides, teal sucks.

a madman: I had thought, though, that Pokemon was out again and that GI Joe and He-Man were starting to make a comeback, at least among the "trendy kitsch" types. I'd like to know just who I need to kill to bury the 80s for once and for all...

Anyway, just because I'm lazy doesn't mean you should be completely denied the pleasures of a teal PlanetQuake. I suggest just clicking on some old links to the articles when the next time machine comes out. You'll be instantly transported on a nostalgic trip through days of old, but with more SQL errors.

From: Luke
Subject: IP Banned for "warez" request

I asked the quake community for two vital quake files, becasue my CD was destroyed, and a virus infected my computer, so

Sorry Mr. Mod. Next time I'll buy the game again.

Plus, I though it was leagel to have one back-up copy of each video game you own. Can't this just count as my back-up?



a madman: "Mr. Mod?" I'm not sure who he was actually trying to write to, but I can almost guarantee it didn't get there. I'm still pretty sure this is the email equivalent of a wrong number.

Dire Hamster: You know, it's an interesting phenomenon that everyone, regardless of how stupid, thinks that those around them are more stupid than they are. This explains why the packages of sillicon beads that come with shoes warn you not to eat them. No one is that incredibly stupid, but someone who spends their time packing shoes into boxes has got to be pretty close.

So, in the case of like this demi-wit - who is apparently so amazingly cretinous that Dianne Fossey wouldn't be able to make sense of his garbled attempts at communication - he compensates by thinking that the rest of us have about the same intellect as a dung beetle. How else can you explain how he could expect us to be willing to swallow such a load of horseshit?

a madman: Oh, it's possible that this letter isn't a complete and total lie. In that case, he merely managed to destroy his Quake 3 cd and acquire a virus that wiped out his hard drive. Which, unfortunately, still leaves him a dumbass.

So, in that possible but unlikely case I would suggest writing to Activision's support people and seeing if it's possible to exchange the shattered Q3 cd for a bright and shiny new one. If he already threw it away or, perhaps more likely, originally actually mangled the CD beyone recognition in his garbage disposal or mistook it for food and ate it, he's simply SOL. Fortunately, new copies of Quake 3 are probably going for somewhere between $20 and $30.

From: "bert"
Subject: hi

I'm BerT. I'm the leader of a gaming community.
We are just started (not really: we merged with another clan). Our clan is named Reflex .We play quake3arena(tdm).
We need a sponsor a server(s) and some good webspace.
We would be gratefull !


Dire Hamster: Is he asking for something?

a madman: Technically, no. So... I would say no if there was actually anything to deny. Kind of a pity, really, because I was looking forward to turning him down.

Dire Hamster: And what the hell does he mean by "leader of a gaming community?" Mayor of his clan, maybe? It makes it sound like he's head of a neighborhood watch group or something.

a madman: A gaming community is a lot like a clan, but not so... you know, clannish.

Dire Hamster: So they don't have their own tartan? Or does it mean that they jump onto public servers and write stern rebuttals instead of actually fragging people?

a madman: I believe you're thinking of what's generally called a "debate society." They do tend to look similar to gamers at first glance, but the easiest way to differentiate between the two is to look for the word "whore" preceeded by a weapon. For example, "gauntlet whore" is something you would expect to hear from a gamer, whereas "tariff whore" is a phrase you only hear shouted at things like presidential debates.

From: "chef man"
Subject: hey i got a question...

if i sent you a poem about quake3 and you like it would you put it on the front of your site????...big question ehh...thnx for your time


a madman: That can't possibly end well.

Dire Hamster: Quake 3 poetry? Not even Keats could pull that one off.

a madman: I bet Elizabeth Barret Browning could.

Dire Hamster: How about William Carlos Williams?

so much depends

a red rocket

glazed with bloody

beside the white

a madman: Bloody marvelous. Perhaps a little Robert Herrick next? "Gather ye rockets while ye may..." Now stop before I feel the urge to papercut someone to death with "The Waste Land."

From: "Salman Abderjee"

Mr.Buehler is a liar. There should not be hamsters in Doom 3. There should be potato salad, with a light vinigarette. And gasoline. And maybe some of that fradulent little %#*& Mr.Buehler's "ILLEAGAL DRUG". And cheese. You can never forget cheese. It never forgets you. You have to keep an eye on it, or it'll kill you in your sleep. I'd like to see more
cheese-assasination simulations in video games. I think that'd be pretty cool if all the monsters in Doom 3 were made out of cheese. And granola. But not monkeys. Or Bobo, the Wonderful Talking Headless Man-Beast of The East End Of Toledo, OH.
Do you think the new GeForce 4's are worth the money?

a madman: To answer your question, no. Actually, to answer all of your points, in order: "yes, no, no, perhaps, definately, no, no, no, what kind of idiot are you?, no, and no." Oh, and never write me again.

Dire Hamster: Don't worry, he'll soon slip on a patch of ice and get a pitchfork stuck up his ass.

a madman: Ok, I'm game. What in the are you talking about?

Dire Hamster: I'm talking about affirmations. I simply write "Salman Abderjee will slip on a patch of ice and fall on a pitchfork" twenty times a day on a sheet of paper for the next week, and viola! Instant pitchfork-related mishap. I specified next Tuesday, because I didn't feel like waiting a long time for it to work.

a madman: You know, I don't think it works that way. Actually, let me amend that... I don't think it works at all.

Dire Hamster: That's what you said about Feng Shui.

a madman: Yes, we've had this conversation before. I still say that unless your idea of vengeance is making your enemy hit their shin on an endtable in the morning by rearranging their furniture while they sleep, you're full of crap. And I still don't think someone slipping on a rollerskate at the top of a staircase counts as "struck down by negative chi."

Dire Hamster: Hey, it worked, didn't it?

a madman: All right, from now on keep your damn hands off my sofa - and I'm hiding all my pencils.

End of mailbag

We may be out of mail, but there's always room for a Question of the Week. Check this out, yo:

Do you think that the "quicksave" button has screwed up single-player?

Sure, there's endless saving and loading. On the other hand, games without it get blasted in all the reviews - Hitman: Codename 47, anyone? Or maybe Aliens vs Predator's endless level reloading is more your style. So are developers just setting the bar too high by making it unthinkable to beat a level without reloading and replaying ambushes over and over? Let us know what you think.


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