Welcome to a new year's worth of mailbags! The feedback was a bit on the light side but we wouldn't let that stop us from getting you your fix. So, on with the show.
The latest question - what was your favorite Christmas present. The response was, shall we say, underwhelming...
Subject: Best Christmas present
Cable! Finally! After 65 million years stuck in lagsville, I can finally get from here to there without it taking weeks to open a freaking webpage! It's my Christmas present to me. I'm so happy! :D
a madman: Not only is this the single response we got to our last Question of the Week, it's also the shortest email I've ever gotten from Phoenix. I didn't know he was capable of such brevity.
What really disappoints me, though...
Dire Hamster: Other than the fact that he's the only person that read the last mailbag?
a madman: ...is the lack of response we got for our pictoral essay on Jean Chrétien, Prime Minister of Canada.
Oh well. At least we know Jube still hates you, DH. Some things are just universal constants, I guess.
Dire Hamster: Well, it's not like she'll like me any more for that one. I could probably manage it if I worked at it, though. I could set her car on fire, or mail her a dead clone of herself. But at this point, that's kind of like giving someone a wedgie after you've already shot them in the head. So, I'm not to worried about it. When I'm explaining to everyone why I'm in Hell, that one's going to be pretty far down the list.
a madman: Ahh, a dead clone... truly, the gift that keeps on giving.
It's not tech support, it's not really feedback... it's just there. Feast your eyes, folks.
From: "Martin Christopher"
Subject: re: old article: "LeetDood"
Hi Guys. I've spent all afternoon trying to frack down an old article
of yours which almost made me wet my trousers about being l33t at
It doesn't appear to be on your website anymore - well, the page
appears to be broken. I don't suyppose you still have it lying around
anywhere ddo you, or has it long been dead and erased.
If you could send me a copy of hte article / workig link, i would be
more gratefull than a kitten with a good toy.
ps. sorry for cross - posting or whatever you call it.
a madman: Well, you'd better start putting down some plastic. If you've got some Depends handy, so much the better.
The L33T D00D Multiplayer Tutorial
Now you can die happy. Funny thing is, it only took a few minutes using the advanced Google search. I guess that's why I get paid to do this...
From: x x
1- the bottom mailbags dont work, it says invalid url. 2- how do you get a map to play a certain cd track on quake 1 when you make it. Why Are the swearwords cut off on new mailbags but not on old ones? Your sarcasm is very corny. keep it up cos of the funnyness.
a madman: All right...
Anyway, we're glad you like this stuff, although that statement has forever erased your name from my mental list of "discriminating readers." Still... we're corny?
- I'll work on it
- "cd play <track number>." Ok, what you actually want to do is set the "sounds" field of worldspawn to the track number you want it to play.
- Censorship? What the ? Why doesn't anyone tell me this shit?
Dire Hamster: Our sarcasm is more than just corny. It's like an entire plate of vegetables for your mind. Only... dipped in chocolate. The healthy kind.
a madman: That's the stupidest thing I've heard you say. Well, today anyway. But hey, we do it all for the funnyness.
From: "DuArte Multimedia Group"
Subject: Non Violent Quake Mods
Do any exist. Have a 9 year old I'd like to have experience multiplayer vr style game-o.
Dire Hamster: Well, that kind of depends on your definition of nonviolent, really. I mean, do you consider kids playing with toy guns nonviolent, so long as the kids don't violently explode when they point at each other? Do you mean not involving any actual physical violence? Because Quake is going to involve a lot less physical harm than, say, football, or the seedy world of underground boxing. So long as your kid doesn't die of obesity, anyway.
Or are you looking for some mod where you're trying to give out the most valentines, or something? Because if so, I really can't help you.
a madman: I heard that Disney made a vaguely nonviolent game based on their Atlantis movie. You still shot each other, but they called the guns "tools" or something and nobody bled. You could also grab Nerf Arena Blast on the off chance you can find it - I did manage to find the demo for you, though. Finally, there was Laser Arena, a budget game based on the open-sourced Quake 1 engine. I'm not really sure what you can expect from a company that calls themselves "TrainWreck Studios" (and they're published by ValuSoft, no less - the company where bad game ideas go to die). Still, even if it's horrible you probably won't be out much money.
Dire Hamster: You could also check out Freeze Tag, as long as you tell your kids to ignore the pentagrams and whatnot.
a madman: I vaguely recall that there was an educational mod a while back that promised to combine Math Blaster with Quake, but blood and explosions were part of the feature list so that's probably not quite what you were looking for.
For that matter, you could get the little tyke's budding skills a workout with a game of Instagib if you set com_blood to 0 (hit ~ to go to the console and type "\com_blood 0") to get rid of those messy explosions. For that matter, Railor is another viable option in the instagib vein. It's like playing Tag with railguns.
Next: More mail = more funny!