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Mailbag

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    PQ | Features | Mailbag | February 15, 2002
   

PQ Mailbag

Due to illness, thunderstorms, alien abduction, and various other circumstances beyond our control, the very special Valentine's Day edition of the mailbag we had planned was delayed a day. But we weren't about to let something like that stop us from celebrating the 14th of February in style! So to commemorate this horrible, Hallmark-dominated festival of love, we've dug up some of the most wretched excuses for cards that mankind has produced! Remember, nothing says "I love you" like mutant children wielding cardboard hearts!

Feedback, part 1

The question on everyone's lips: "What would you do with a clone of yourself?" The answers just might shock you. If not, the cards are sure to traumatize you.

The parade of awfulness begins!

From: Nuno Sousa
Subject: What would you do with a clone of yourself?

can't ... ugh.... resist ...

ok, u asked for it... my answer to the question is:

"I would definately fsck myself!!!"

a madman: Actually, that's what we specifically didn't ask for. But you'd check your file system? How would you even manage that?

Dire Hamster: Well, seeing as how you've just cloned yourself, I suppose doing a file systems content check to make sure the DNA matches up would probalby be a good idea. After that, I'd recommend a full delete.

Seriously, though, you send in response like that and surely you've got to expect to get slapped down. What did he expect, that we'd say something along the lines of "by Jove!" while our monacles popped out, and our top hats went flying off of our heads?

a madman: Ok, so that's been answered. But there's still something else that's bothering me. Why is his answer in quotes, though? Is he quoting someone? Who would say something that stupid? Jean Chrétien?

Dire Hamster: Wasn't that Albert Schweitzer?







He's just a hop, skip, and
a jump away from tragedy

From: sUperSeth
Subject: Forward to Captain Fresh

If i had a clone of myself I would strap my clone down in a chair and play Daikatana Co-op all day long with myself, because like me, I'm sure my clone would not accept pansy games like Quake 3: Arena for entertainment. Only REAL games like Daikatana and Quake 1, made by Romero himself, will be accepted.

25 Weapons, 24 Levels and 4 Time Periods Later,
Superfly Johnson's Slave

a madman: Ok, I'll admit that I was expecting to see some perverted stuff when we asked this one. But I didn't expect we'd see anything like this. Apparently this guy's into bondage and S&M. I just wish I could figure out if this would be considered sadism or masochism, though...

Dire Hamster: Seriously, though, you are aware you have a full week to work on these things, right? There's no one standing over your shoulder in a labcoat, holding a stopwatch, saying "Ok, time's up: What have you got?" You actually can take more than five seconds to work on your answer. It's not like this is one of those word association tests, where you have to say the first answer that pops into your head.

a madman: Actually, if that was the first thing that popped into your head, you've got serious problems. I'd suggest you pick up a bonesaw, an electric eggbeater, and at pressurized hose with at least fourty gallons of holy water. You're going to need to do some serious brain-scrubbing to fix this one.

Dire Hamster: Eh. Nothing there a good solid rock wouldn't fix.

Look away! Quickly!

From: "Robert Prus"
Subject: PQ Mailba

Dire Hamster: What would you do with a clone of yourself?

Duh, I would use the clone to help me out in Q3A! We would be the best team in the west: [Phafanapolis] and [Phafanapolis]2. We would be unstopable, except for the whole LAG thing

a madman: Well, that's a rather mundane use of a clone, now isn't it? If I had a clone, I'd be living the good life in Rio de Janeiro.

Dire Hamster: I don't follow.

a madman: Think about it. What better way to fake your death and collect the insurance money?

Dire Hamster: Well, that's true, I suppose. There's still the problem of how you'd actually collect the money, though...

a madman: As tempting as it would be to show up in person to collect the check, that would probably get you arrested for fraud. Or murder. Possibly even suicide.

But that's still not nearly as big of a problem as if this clone had my memories as well as my DNA. I'm sure he'd be more than happy to collect the insurance money on me, after all. That's why it's always safest to build them with a bomb in their head. If they give you any lip... boom. You can always grow another clone, right?

Dire Hamster: Well, there is the whole fact that your clone would still be a baby. Which would just make it babycide.

Still, when the cops come, and find you in a room filled with blood and blown-up baby parts, you can just tell them that they were your clones. I'm sure they'd understand.

a madman: I liked my plan better.

No, I don't think this creature
will ever get its choice...

From: x x
Subject: x

"What would you do with a clone of yourself?"

I would make the clone dude go to work so i could just laze around doin nuthin all day, that would be totally awsome dude! But the clone dude would probably want to make me do the same so we would probably end up killin each other, or takin it in turns.

Make the mailbag faster dudes! you always wait like, 3 months. AND put some more single player quake maps on LOTW, its been about over a year now, QUAKE 1 is still awsome dudes!

a madman: There's a thought. If I cloned myself, I could probably get a mailbag done every week and STILL be lazy. And I could swap out Dire Hamster for a new one every time he got apathetic.

Dire Hamster: Eh. Whatever...

Next: the horror continues!


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