After a horrible, horrible week with Jube at the helm, the PQ Mailbag has returned to its rightful owners! This week we don't have any gimmicks like wretched cards, staff-swapping antics, or porn for you. That's right, this week it's nothing but the cream of the crop from the latest batch of letters.
Fake or virtual - which models would you choose?
Last week's question was the hypothetical situation that's sure to keep many diehard Quakers up at night... a forced choice between Quake 4 and the undying affection of a supermodel. As usual, our readers rose to the challenge.
From: "Marshall Moore"
Subject: Question of the week
I don't usually e-mail the mailbag, but on this I have to speak out!
The best thing to do is date the supermodel and play quake 4 in secret.
If she finds you out, just explain to her that you weren't going to keep the supermodel, just play with it for a little while.
(You'll get it.)
a madman: In the words of Nancy Reagan - "Just say no."
Dire Hamster: While this may seem like a good idea on the surface, if she's already asking you to give up Quake, who knows what random thing she's going to want you to give up next?
Be very afraid the moment some chick starts scoping you out as her own personal home improvement project, especially someone as notoriously mentally unstable as your average supermodel.
Date one may start out with Quake, but later on it will be "How can you put those poisons into your body? From now on, you're eating macrobiotic," or "You should read this book. It'll change your life. It's called Dianetics," or "I think prosthetics are super sexy, don't you?"
a madman: By the time you're wearing a pyramid on your head and sleeping in a bed that's aligned with the Earth's magnetic poles, you'll have long since forgotten why you fell in love with her, or why donating your kidneys to underprivileged dolphins was a good idea.
Dire Hamster: But as long as you just keep lying your ass off, you should be ok.
From: "Robert Prus"
Quake IV has just hit store shelves, you've dreamed of this moment for
years... You've finally got the CD in your hot little hands when you are
faced with a frightening dilemma. A supermodel declares their love for you,
but insists you choose between them and Quake. Which do you pick and why?
I would have hot steamy monkey sex with the supermodel and pretend that she
is the Q4 Gladiator guy that was released as the only promotional media for
Q4 (you know the guy). Hey, its the next best thing to having your cake and
eating it too, errrr, well, refrain from American Pie jokes. You get what
P.S. Keep Jube out of the Mailbag
Dire Hamster: Well, that thump you just heard was my eyebrows slamming against the ceiling. That has got to be the most disturbing fetish I've ever read. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find my socks. I assume they're probably in Northern British Columbia, by now...
But, seriously, than you for that image I will now never get out of my ing head, no matter how much I drink.
a madman: I'll admit that this doesn't disturb me as much as it no doubt should, because I work for PlanetQuake and interact with abnormal people on a day-to-day basis. If he claimed that he was pretending to do the nasty with, say, Lion-o or the Skaarj Queen, then I might have objected. As it is, I just wonder if the gladiator is the object of his affections because they haven't released any details about the updated iron maidens yet.
Subject: Question of the week.
That's a silly question, Quake of course. Why go out with a Supermodel,
when you can frag evil monsters in Quake 4 to save your self, along with
the sorry universe. Sure, a Supermodel may look great, but really, which
type of Quake gamer would want to hear what interests the supermodel? I
sure don't. I'd probably ruin the relationship anyway because I would be
talking bout how she made me choose her instead of my love for Quake. I
may choose the Supermodel if I could sneak to a neighbor's house to play
Quake 4 every once in a while.
Dire Hamster: Well, I think we can probably safely run on the assumption that the relationship with the supermodel probably wouldn't last more than about a week, anyway.
Subject: Supermodel or Quake IV
Well I guess it helps to be a bird since as a result I hold no attraction toward humans, male or female, so the supermodel is OUT. Boobies are for mammals, yick! Quake IV all the way. How could there BE any other choice? Anything else is sacrelige to the Quake tradition!
Dire Hamster: Sacrilege? While I can't speak for any of them personally, I don't think there's anyone at id actively trying to keep you from getting laid.
a madman: Other than yourself, that is. So let's try this again, from the beginning. Get a mirror. Tell me what you see in it... and while you're doing that, please try to refrain from attacking your reflection.
That's right... you, sir, are as human as DH or myself.
Well... as human as Jube or IceStorm, anyway. Besides, birds have no hands. It makes gaming considerably harder, and leads to awful "hunt and peck" typing jokes. No one wants that. And that's why we've started this intervention. I believe Dire Hamster had some things he wanted to say as well.
Dire Hamster: No, actually, at the moment I'm far too drunk to comment on that. It's like there's a party in my head, and everyone is invited. Except for that Dave Perry er.
a madman: Right, then. We'll just leave it at this - you may not a bird, but you are a ing loon.
Q: Quake IV has just hit store shelves, you've dreamed of this moment for years... You've finally got the CD in your hot little hands when you are faced with a frightening dilemma. A supermodel declares their love for you, but insists you choose between them and Quake. Which do you pick and why?
A: Definitely Quake. First of all, they cost less. Supermodels expect to be wined and dined, whereas Quake just doesn't care one way or the other. It's a one-time fee. Second, Quake won't expect you to stay monogamous. You can play other games at whim and Quake will take you back with open arms each time. When you get tired of Quake, you can put it away and go on to another interesting diversion, and it won't complain about neglect or "the other woman".
a madman: I'm pretty sure that this is the first time the only right answer to the question of the week was to refuse to play. That means that, by my records, we have an all-time high as far as correct answers goes. At least Jube did something right.
Dire Hamster: Well, there's also the fact that this has got to be the most hypothetical question of the week ever. And considering some of the past questions, that's saying quite a lot.
a madman: So... congratulations, you're wrong! Like everyone else - but at least you're not alone. Except, that is, with your hypothetical copy of Quake 4.
Next: More mail, more madness!