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    PQ | Features | Mailbag | March 22, 2003
   

PQ Mailbag

Merry belated St. Patrick's Day, everyone! Now that we're finally over our hangovers and free from the grasp of the Venetian Death Flu that gripped Dire Hamster the week before that, we're more than happy to get back to our job of cruelty and pedanticism you love so much. Or that we love so much, rather. You know, whatever. On with the show!

Give these letters a hand!

"Your hand has been severed due to a clerical error at the DMV, and they're all out of prosthetic hands. What do you replace it with instead?" Personally, I think I'd just go for a giant mechanical claw. There's a lot of heads out there that need crushing.


From: Devin
Subject: Question of the week

I would replace it with a razor sharp Japanese sword so I can chop off their right (or left, depending which hand they chopped off of my body) hand of those who were responsible for chopping off my hand while screaming out, "I can't play Quake anymore because of you jerks!" Of course I wouldn't use the word 'jerks' though, I would use something more offensive.

Dire Hamster: Well, that would be just about the most dangerous thing you could probably attach to your hand, outside of something like a stick of dynamite. But in a fairly stylish way, I must admit. Still, you know, if you ever had an itch, and forgot, well... at the very best that would just be one more prosthetic you'd be needing.

a madman: Really, I think the worst thing about permanently attaching a razor-sharp blade to your hand is that you'll almost immediately notice how many things there are to cut. Freshly baked bread, monitors, other people... the list goes on and on. The problem, of course, is that most of those things are either illegal, immoral, or simply too expensive to really indulge yourself. Why sentence yourself to a lifetime of broken dreams and wasted ambitions on the off chance that you may run into a ninja someday?


From: Nuno Sousa
Subject: (no subject)

"Your hand has been severed due to a clerical error at the DMV, and they're all out of prosthetic hands. What do you replace it with instead?"

erm... a rocket launcher?

--
Uranus

Dire Hamster: Well, sure, it sounds nice and all, but when you really look at it, how practical is it? I mean seriously, how often have you actually said to yourself "Darn it, self! If only I had a rocket launcher!" Of course, that could just be because you've never had a rocket launcher. Still, I'd say I'd probably be going for a prosthetic bottle opener, or maybe a universal remote.

a madman: Now, see, that's what I was just talking about with the last question. Plus, the other problem is that when you run out of rockets, you're pretty well out. You can't exactly stop by the local 7-11 and pick up a 6-pack of rockets to go with your tank of gas and jumbo slushee. That's why I'd rather have a generic "launcher" attached, instead. Just think of the fun you could have...

"Hey Mad, while you're up could you get me a beer?"

"Sure. Here, catch!" *foom*

Plus, throw a grapple in there and you're pretty well set.


From: "Phoenix"
Subject: Severed hands

Tisk Tisk madman, calling me a human like that in the last mailbag. How insulting, keep up the good work! As for not having hands, don't you know I type quite well with these birdfeet?

Now as for losing a hand, assuming you have hands here, I'd say you should replace it with a chainsaw. Sure, a lot of people might want a railgun instead, but let's think about this. First it's shades of Evil Dead so you can't go wrong there. Also with the chainsaw you have a much better chance of making a living in the logging industry, you DID want to be a lumberjack didn't you? Besides, you can always fire a railgun with the OTHER hand. Not to mention you'll be the life of any birthday party, although I wouldn't recommend trying to cut the cake. You might want to make sure it's detachable though. Going to sleep and having that baby accidentally start on you would be a Bad Thing(tm).

a madman: I'm not even going to touch this one. His therapist told me it would set back his progress by at least a few months. So instead, I'm going to let DH handle it.

Dire Hamster: Well, there's a fine line between insanity and genius, and there's only so far you can go into the realm of programing technobabble before the shit starts to make sense, and by that point, it's nothing but a one-way trip to insanity.

Not that I'm saying Phoenix is some kind of genius, or even that he knows how to program, but he's certainly managed to tap into an inexhaustable vein of pure ing craziness, and for that, he deserves some recognition, I think, or at the very least, a free lifetime supply of thorazine.

Anyway, as far as the chainsaw, it's certainly not a bad choice. Of course, the discriminating Chaotic Evil is probably going to want to go for the Hand of Vecna. I'm not really sure what I'd do with the ability to cast unhallow three times a day, but I could probably find a use for it somehow.

a madman: And for anyone out there actually got that last joke... you should be ashamed of yourself.


From: "Jube"
Subject: Y'all can get stuffed!

First of all... I can understand Robert Prus (since we've pretty much already determined that he's gay) preferring a madman and Dire Hamster on the Mailbag... but the rest of you picking two hicks from Idaho (or whatever) over boobies... well, you all disappoint me greatly. ;)

Anyway, as for the ?otW... I'd just replace my missing hand with one of Robert Prus'. He won't need his after I KILL HIM.

Love,
Jube
(Whom actually generated some decent Mailbag feedback this week, so you all can get stuffed!)

a madman:: This just goes to show, yet again, that while it may seem like a good idea to with Jube, underneath her brightly colored, seemingly good-natured exterior lies a cold-blooded killer. She's like a pinata filled with bees.

Dire Hamster: Nevertheless, I suppose we owe her something of a debt of gratitude. Compared to her hodge-podge of random synaptic firings practically anthing we do, regardless of how half-assed, seems like pure freakin' comedy gold in comparison.

Next: More mail to come!


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