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Mailbag

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    PQ | Features | Mailbag | September 5, 1998
   

The sanitarium have let me out of my padded cell long enough to attend ECTS (Europe's answer to E3). While this will no doubt be good for my pallid complexion, it does mean that unfortunately this weekend there will be no proper Mailbag.

To add injury to insult, the barrel of funky monkeys were unfortunately intercepted by customs and are being quarantined - it appears the border police mistook their drunken behaviour for rabies when they opened the barrel and the monkeys jumped out to slur "You're my best mate, you are".

Anyway, the upshot of it is that in this hour of desperation I had to call on Fargo to fill in for me. Yes, I know what you're thinking, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Anyway, Fargo provided this rather bizarre e-mail he received recently... Enjoy!


The Exorcist

From : ****
To : Fargo
Subject : Something odd when I play QII.

I wasnt sure who to email about this, but I thought I would give it a shot. I figured that if you couldnt help me, that maybe you could reference me to somebody who could.

Ok. Here is my problem.

SOmething very weird happens when I play Q2. The only mods I play are CTF, RA2 and regular deathmatch. My little problem happens when I play any of these.

Basically what happens is that I will be in the game and standing, running, shooting or whatever, and my guy goes crazy. What I mean is that its like someone grabs a hold of my mouse and moves it really fast all over the dam mouse pad. ALso what happens is that weapons will switch and fire and sometimes cause me to get killed. I have absolutely no idea what is going on and it is really starting to tick me off. Have any ideas what it may be?

If not, know of anyone who could help me out?

I appreciate your help.




From : Fargo
To : ****
Subject : Re: Something odd when I play QII.

Clearly, your machine is possessed. I've seen this kind of thing before. Restless spirits are trying to contact you through Quake II as a medium.

First of all, don't be scared. Oh, and whatever you do, for God's sake, DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT! I recommend waiting until a full moon and then tying a rope around your waist (so you don't get sucked into your monitor, like Carol Ann into the closet) and then play Quake II by candlelight (I suggest Q2DM1 -- the spirits are particularly fond of that level, because they like to camp with the railgun).

Then, close your eyes, and allow your mouse to move of its own accord. Soon, the spirit will begin to communicate with you through primitive means. Here's a guide to Quake II spirit symbology and what your spirit is trying to say to you:

- Picks up shotgun: "Yes."
- Picks up grenade: "No."
- Picks up Super shotgun: "Oh yes!"
- Picks up Grenade launcher: "No way!"
- Fires BFG: "I'm kicking some ass, here!"
- Stands still: "I'm lagged!"
- Uses the Kenny Skin: "You bastard!"
- Snipes with Railgun: "I have a low ping and you suck."
- Runs around corner and pauses: "I'm typing."

Once you've established contact, you can begin to ask the spirit questions so that it can share its infinite knowledge from the afterlife with you. You'll be able to find out the most pressing of man's mysteries, such as:

What are the physics like in heaven?
Where is the Rocket Launcher hidden on Base2?
How high can a man grenade BFG jump?
Where do I get the Roller Coaster of Love MP3?
If I die and my soul is in a state of unrest, but I have lived what was ultimately a righteous life, will I be able to jump and then change directions in mid-air?




That's all for this week I'm afraid, but abnormal service will be resumed next week...

Until then,

"You bastard!"


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