Who is Mynx? She's a goddess, a gamer, and a mystery. And
we're lucky enough to have her here at PQ as our resident
advice expert. If you have a problem that needs some help,
and you've asked everyone including your dog for advice that
hasn't helped, then give Mynx
a try. Schnerkenhopper
Closing Time. 08/02/2001
All good things must come to an end.
Waterslides for Jesus!! 07/26/2001
Obnoxious donkeyholes, what happens when you don't know your girlfriend's name, what constitutes loss of virginity, learn how to shave, loving mynx, and a big stinky poop of an Embarrassment Spotlight! Gotcher hash pipe?
I know you know that I know 07/19/2001
A guy going bald, the hardy har hard morning wood, what to do when wanking ruins your life, what girls think about wanking, do orgasms hurt, some girl is a freak, and what to do about a sore yonii. The Embarrassment Spotlight is BACK, baybee.. and in fitting with this week's column, the ES is all about WANKING!
Blaming entertainment for soceity's woes, nipples nipples nipples, holding out for twue yove, getting your freak on during camp and carrying it over into Real Life, a question of boners, and the return of the ES. More, more, more!
I like dongs. 06/21/2001
OOOOOH, I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Weeeeenor......
Boobies of Fortune! 06/14/2001
Outgrowing Mynx, foresaking all others, finding a chick to listen to you bitch, paying to get your groove on, and virginity specifics. Rump rump rump!
Chikin In A Biskit 06/07/2001
What are you supposed to do with the sausage casing after you've made the meat, when to tell a chick her dude is a dud, kissing a female _stinger, just what DO chicks want in a guy, and is it okay to gangbang a girlgeek at a lan party? Admit it, you can't get enough.
Rock Me Gently 05/31/2001
The thrill of her hunt, how to get man buttlove, deciding when to ride bareback, breaking up with a persistent geek, and why nerds rule. Shake that booty, baby!
Chitty chitty bang bang! 05/17/2001
Mmm, Mayo! 05/10/2001
How to get a girl, name that penis problem, where to go to dress like a geek, getting reamed by a friend, sucking at Q3A, and the whole Mynx/goat thing. Pass the Mayo!
No teeth on the wookie! Mansechs, wifely condoms, EverQuest sucks, and is breastmilk yummy? Love, love me do.
What girls like about cars, talking to your honeybunny aobut nookie rot, the joy of mouth love, goo from the girlhole, wear and tear from lovin, and a small tinkertoy. Salut!
Peeeeeeeeeeeeeenis, penis buttah! Peeeeeeeeeeeeenis, penis buttah... JELLY!
We Love Penises! 04/12/2001
It is all about love! It is all about nookie! And, yes, we love penises!
Week: Peeeeeeeeeeeeeenis, penis buttah!
Peeeeeeeeeeeeenis, penis buttah...
Week: It is all about love! It is all
about nookie! And, yes, we love
Week: Why girls ignore geeks, what Mynx thinks
about guys who wax their schnarkers, what Mynx thinks about
the "M" word, and John Romero faces down Levelord in a greased
Week: Lots of dicks, this week! What
could be finer?!
My love for you is like a
Week: Yay! You people really are sick and
twisted. I love it!
Week: Back, by popular demand: an all new Dear
sofa king we taut
Week: All your birthdays are belong to
us! Tis the month of March, which means Dear Mynx turns
FOUR YEARS OLD! That's a long damn time, and a boat
load of neurotic, freaky gamers. Thanks, guys, for a
great four years. This column would be nothing
without you, my loyal readers and contributors.
Week: Rats, and rat love. Confusing
chicks and the messages they encode, gay Chinese guys who want
Paul Steed, and checking in on condom sizes. All this
and more, brought to you by.. well, me!
Week: What to do with a latex allergy, some guy
with soaking wet hands, getting randy playing Quake, how
to tell if a girl is a virgin, and soft silky pubic
hair. So are the days of our lives.
Joo Say Its Your
Week: It's mah birthday, it's mah
birthday!! Ok, so, not for a few more days, but I
can celebrate all week, if I wanna! Thus,
here are some of my favorite questions from various
guest hosts who have dropped by, over the years.
Have some cake!
Week: Just what IS it about those gay folks,
tell me a tale of a penis, Mynx's juju, what to do about
stiffies, and penis names, what happens when you don't have
tits, and bisexual chicks. Give it to me baby, uh huh uh
Week: Losing the deathmatch magic, finding love
when you are a hardcore gamer, popping zits, how to be a
boyfriend, God sex, lesbians and boobies, and the way men
pee. MENTOS. The freshmaker.
Week: Wang. WANG, I
SAY! That's right kids, first we had Dear Tycho, now we liven up the
booty with Dear Gabriel! Oh baybee, how I love those
honey bunches of Penny Arcade
Week: Redheads and the colors of grassy knolls,
Mynx's boobs (honest!), the hows and the whys of missile
attacking a pregnant gal, the proper appearance of pee pee
goo, girls suck, falling in love, and a mynx/rodent/quake
fantasy. I couldn't make this stuff up if I
Week: Yay! Hop on up for a nice
steaming plateful of Dear Tycho! Yes, kids, that's right
Arcade's very own Tycho Brahe dishes out sage, wise
advice. Christmas comes early this year!
Week: Porn addict seeks help, a guy with a girl
who wants to be the wife, a guy that's a guy who wants to be a
girl but then a guy, and the odds of giving yourself an
STD. Can I get a Amen?!
Week: Stiff boys (oooh!), boys in Speedos (ooh
la la!), the dish on The Pill, and slimy Q3A model
love. Such dirty minds. I love you
wanks with tobasco 11/16/2000
Week: Lookin fo yub in all the wrong places,
considering a vibrator, what attracts chicks to geeks, and a
girl distressed over her geek's wanking habits. Hi
Week: Efnet #quake does Dear Mynx! This
week I open the floodgates and offer up your questions to the
folks that made me what I am today (so blame
Week: A nerdy guy who wanks to pixels, a winkie
in a tight turtleneck, a gal who really (really) needs to be
restrained, an ode to booty, and a call for Curvy. You
got some sick friends. Limber, though.
Week: More beer, please.
The Holiest of
Week: I'm back, and I'm bad bad bad! Here
we let the tongue do the good work, a guy with a bumpy groin,
another guy with a different kind of bumpy groin, someone who
wants to get his snack on with Mommy, and I take the time to
explain the female anatomy to a cloobie. Didja miss
me?! Huh huh didja?!
Dear KillCreek 09/28/2000
Stevie "KillCreek" Case of Ion Storm delivers the advice action!
Net.Girls pretty much just suck, a quake geek
with a darn dandy sized winkie, nose volcanoes, and a kink in the
neck of spooge. I need a drink.
Week: How to deal with a girl who sleeps with.. well,
everyone; Why girls suck if you're a nice old regular joe,
girls with fartypants, and a poor guy with a really smelly
butt. And you thought you had problems.
Week: How to go about measuring your wookie, net.chicks in
love, just how inadequate are you if your banana goes soft
after peeling, and net.guys in love, who love me (yay!).
It's enough to make you moan.
Extra Giant Porn
Week: Want honorable virgins? Girls asking about trimming
the bush and how to please a man? A guy who gave a
beauty pagent gal an STD? Three gaming girls who talk about
self love? Hellchick losing her
virginity? YES! We've got it all in this
edition of Dear Mynx... oh, if only this column were edible!
Week: Do teenage lovers have a real chance at saying I
do? What do you do if your penis is 9 inches long and
your girlfriend's a virgin? Some guy wanks while his 12
year old sister takes in an eyeful, another guy has a bad case
of the zit monster, and some dude can't figure out what
to do with the spoo. It's another action packed edition
of Dear Mynx, complete with Graeme Devine's romp with
robobabes. God, it's so good to be back!
Week: I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK. Back in the
saddle agaaaaain! Woo hah. That's
right, kiddos, I popped out my little potato and
lived to tell the tale and now I'm
back, bolder and badder and crankier than ever. There's
even a new little fun "feature", sure to provide some
entertainment in the weeks to come. Strip down, settle
in, and hold on. Boing!
Dear Mynx bot
Week: Gaping body cavities and the difficulties they present,
forbidden love, rocket troubles, and a slightly disturbing
This Week: Guest hosting continues, now with big rippled
chunks of Xian. It wasn't that long ago that Xian, the artist
formerly known as Disruptor, and I were just little efnet
peons in #doom and #quake. Oh, how time flies. *sniffle*.
He's all grown up now, and answering your angst, covering
everything from prostitutes to your mom to penis enlargement.
And he did it all amidst the horrible id network/move issues.
Xian, you rock my hooters.
Week: Guest hosting continues, now with new, improved,
honey crunches of Graeme Devine! Check out what the ole Graemester
has to say about girls, good sex, Quake fetishes, tiny penises,
and Mynx vs. Hellchick in jello. Graeme rules.
Week: With your fearless Mynxtress on maternity leave,
Super Steed steps in and grabs the.. uh, bull by the horn(s),
so to speak. Read what our favorite artist-type dude has to
say about gay lovin, reality, the quest for nookie, what turns
women on, and how to avoid eating sperm. It's all so wet and
slippery, you know?
Week: Do women want length or width? What's a normal winkie
DO when it gets all atwitter? Some guy is obsessed with id
and doesn't deal well with change, and some other guy has
some.. well, "issues" with my smutty columns. Tsk tsk.
Glass O' Pee 05/11/2000
Week: Condom acrobatics, will too much yanking cause a
crook in the chook? Just how gross is it to want to taste
pee? Girls that want to boink while you play Quake (I still
don't see the problem with this), and a reader questions Mynx
on Killcreek's boobs. All sorts of chewy goodness.
Stole My Batteries?! 05/04/2000
Week: Sharing vibrators with your parents, getting great
big stiffies from Q3A (and don't we all!), wondering if fisting
the mister actually good for you, getting over the fear of
having your manfish snorkled, and find out why KillCreek won't
be in Playboy magazine afterall. You heard it here first.
The Other White Meat 04/27/2000
This Week: You guys can't seem to stop begging for
help when it comes to your wee little winkies, so, okay,
I give! Here is your all-penis masturbatory issue. Read
it and.. weep, or something. Too many of you like to tell
me about wanking. It's kind of disturbing. On an entirely
separate (and perhaps unfortunate that he got stuck in this
edition ;) note, check out the little supergeek. Can you
Week: Wanking to ex girlfriend pron, homosechual experimentation,
some guy who wants to know how to grease his hog, and another
guy asking mynx just about everything he can think of. Oh,
and check out the little tushie on this week's Geek... nice
Sperm Bank 04/13/2000
The trouble with freakin nutcase ex girlfriends, having half
your penis hacked off just because you might have the chance
to sail the tuna boat to the fish factory, nerds who give
up life for Quake, an interesting plea for homosexual id love,
and a girly geek who was way stylin for the early 80s.
The cost of loving someone who loves their homeland, some
guy turns to Mynx for help on getting his girlfriend to shave
the beast, a poor college boy and his small penis are suddenly
the talk of the dorm, and another dude whose girlfriend has
a radioactive crotch. All this and more... no wonder
you love me. Don't forget to check out the answer to
last week's geek, as well as our current little cutey...
Week: Girlie girls who talk smack about caq, festering,
oozing butt acne (anyone hungry?), learning how to kiss, Mynx
style, and a request to smell and sleep in Mynx's unwashed
bedthings. Sometimes you pokers really freak me out. Oh, and
check out the new Geek of the Week - this one defies gravity.
Week: Having the crew over for a good old fashioned circlejerk,
another drugs are bad mynx service announcement, making your
way from an ICQ fling to real life buttsmacking, and getting
a girl's opinion on boners. You gotta love boner questions.
Oh, and check out this week's installment of Guess the Geek...
you'd never know an afro was lurking under that bowlcut!
that Smell?! 03/16/2000
Week: Having no life and lusting after bots, loving,
touching, caressing your mudflaps, checking out the wanking
angle with a mirror, and some guy sniffing glue and writing
about Carmack and Cash. Check out the leather belt on that
Week: Mynx prepares a brand-spankin' new (ow) column
for next week, so while she gets it ready, we treat you to
a retrospective Mynx: sexin' up the developers! They must
be sexier than the average geek, judging by how many letters
Mynx gets on that hunk o' burnin' love, John Romero. So enjoy,
and slaver with anticipation for next week's column.
Week: Does it hurt the first time the tuna boat
goes to the fish factory? Can you ever go on if your
mom catches you punching the munchkin? Who has the bigger
penis, Redwood or Blue? Are you gay if you wanna be
Mynx? A special double bunking Embarrassment Spotlight.
We've got something new coming to Dear Mynx, keep your crotchless
Come Get Some
This Week: Girls with boy friends and boyfriends that
hate 'em, sexing up Romero (no really), the smell of carp,
judging the need for viagra (unf unf), and a plea for Mynx's
panties. You people are twisted.
Get off me cheese!
This Week: Which mynx came first, what's it like to
trade wives, should you be gay in a Quake clan? Sex dreams,
more questions on mowing the short n curlies, and a cute little
Valentine's Day Embarrassment Spotlight. Hope you buttmonkeys
had a nice greasy naked heart day.
Birthday To Meeeee 02/10/2000
This Week: It's my birthday! Well, ok, so not
till Saturday, but, hey, on Saturday, it's my birthday!
So, to celebrate (?) I've decided to share with you, my loving
and well lubricated readers, the feedback I've received lately. You
love me, you hate me, you want to suck my toes. And
I love every minute of it. Thanks for reading and contributing.
You guys keep this big greasy wheel turning.
Week: Male pubic hair scultping and why you should
do it, a guy that sounds like a girl even though he's post
puberty, a penis with a great big nasty mole on it, some reknob
wants a Mynx and Hellchick sandwich, and a question about
Killcreek's nudies. Doesn't it just make you want to
lather up in mayonnaise and eat a carrot??
This Week: Rubbers, toe jam, unrequited
lesbian love, and dark penises. Does it get any better
than this? Don't miss the poop puddle Embarrassment,
either - there's one I know I'm aways terrified of!.
Week: Will yanking on your donky make it smaller
or larger? Is Quake one giant chick deterrent?
How can you deal with Pubes of Death, how can you get
your girlfriend naked for Quake, and can chicks love
men who like to crossdress? Oh, and a charming letter
about Mynx's posterior. Touch it, love it.
Week: He digs chicks, but guys hit on him anyway.
Does mynx give boot and crop lessons? A total gaming
GOD and his weenie funds, and some dude loves John Romero.
No, really. Oh, and a really... messy Embarrassment
This Week: Chicks with extracurricular
fantasy lives, evil net.chicks and the men who love them,
premature rocket launching, Quake as a bad influence, wondering
if girls like woodies, and a, uh, rather painful sort of Embarrassment
Spotlight. You kids should know by now just NOT to go
putting things in there!
This Week: Paul Steed's physical abilities,
what to do when you've got two to play with, help for a poor
little lad who can't make the twinkie goo, loving your cousins
and Mynx, naked. Oh, and a canine embarrassment spotlight.
Is this a trend? See you all next week, if we don't
fall off the face of the earth.
This Week: How do you like your penis served?
Why do net.geeks in love act the freakass way that they do?
What would happen if the Real World found out about Mynx, why
do chicks suck, and a crackhead loves me.
Doesn't it just give you the warm fuzzies? Merry Christmas,
boys and girls. Hope you get your stockings stuffed.
An All-Penis Issue!
This Week: YES!! It's the all penis issue! Penis, penis,
penis, dicks everywhere! Woo hoo and yoo hoo and ho ho ho!
Dicks, they are indeed.
This Week: Do you really get zits from stroking the
one eyed pinky puker?! What do you do when you find out that
twizzlers makes more than mouthes happy? How do you wank if
your hand hurts? A reader loves Paul Steed, another reader
asks a nice multi part question regarding everything you ever
wanted to know about girls and sperm, and a reader shares
his pubic hair with the world. Shalom.
This Week: Learning how to stroke your poker, how to
tell your parents you're engaged to be married to Super Schlong,
what to do when no girl on earth will date you, some guy wonders
about Graeme Devine's penis, talking about focusing sex on
chicks, and a stinky floater of an embarrassment spotlight.
Alright, who hid the batteries?
Blood Red, Baby
Does wanking hurt your chances of academic success? Just how
small is too small when we're talking gobblers? Where does
Mynx come up with all of this junk, and just who does she
turn to for advice? Is it okay for a 19 year old to hide the
hedgehog in a 14 year old... and some guy wastes baby batter
on the Q3A Mynx model, even though Mynx never really wears
pink lipstick. Oh, and we even have a playground penis story
in this week's Embarrassment Spotlight. Happy Thanksgiving,
USA folk. Try not to contaminate the turkey with bodily fluid.
Do You Swallow?
Nerd stiffies, worrying about clansechs, cool penises and
the women who love everything about them, loving a bisexual
chick, worrying about an underdeveloped penis, and Ravensoft's
Jake Simpson shares his Embarrassment Spotlight... Open up
and say aaaaaaah!
"Twig and Berries" 11/10/1999
Uncooperative winkies, Mynx's stinky feet, some guy utterly
enthralled with the Shambler, Quake for love and comfort,
and Big Gay Al stops by to wish for Paul Steed. Sort of makes
me want to curl up in a ball and cry.
Roommate caught smelling smeared toilet paper (yoink), conquering
your fear of spiders, playing hide the sausage with your Dad's
co-worker, seeking an inhalable arouser, freakshow, and a
spewing Embarrassment Spotlight. If I didn't have morning
sickness already, you reknobs would make me spew.
"The Suck" 9/23/1999
Living a sucky life in high school, falling in love with your
one night stand, learning to wield the power of the tongue,
rubbing force feedback in your panties, smelling vagina and
an embarrassment spotlight that will leave you clutching your
bunghole protectively. If your mom sees your anus once you're
out of diapers, you know you're bound for some trouble.
Breasts Are Our Friends 9/9/1999
Colorful testicles, a poor young teenager worried about breasts
in his computer games(!), wondering yet again if girls really
play single player, rubbing your stubby dry, what do hooters
feel like, and an Embarrassment that brings a whole new meaning
to phone sex. I'm pretty fly for a white gal.
Grande que destella erecci?! 9/2/1999
When the stub plays dead, your dad likes dude pron, and your
girlfriend has no idea what's in your pants. Teenage girls
who shave the mouse, some guy and his wife and their as-yet-unknown
sex chick, and one of the Shackmonkeys gets caught, literally,
in Victoria's Secret in this week's Embarrassment Spotlight.
More fun than a steedchick in a vat of mayonnaise!
Hock a Loogie 8/26/1999
Lowtax, aka Senor Jose Sweetcheeks, a poor young man with
a hairy stump, some guy who just isn't all that interested
in sex (say it ain't so!), a spitshine on the man steak,
and a really yucky Embarrassment Spotlight courtesy
of RadPipe, and his nose. Anybody got a kleenex?
Another really hairy dude, some random llama getting chubbies
for Duke, sticks and stones breaking peeholes, sex roleplaying
with Carmack and sCary, the current Steed fad, and an Embarrasment
Spotlight by yours truly. This one transcends embarrassment
and creeps into traumatic stress syndrome. Enjoy it,
it about killed me. Oh, and after you read this,
go enter my drawing,
cuz it ends today.
Geeks with two foot long girl hair, the burning question:
do girls poop? Smoking while you frag frag frag, great big
gigantic testicles of power, plucking horny hair while thinking
about Quake, and an Embarrassment Spotlight that illustrates
the motto, always be prepared. Really super prepared. Oh,
and after you read this, go enter my drawing,
QuakeCon. Casual sex at QuakeCon. Some chick in
love with a geek at QuakeCon. A QuakeCon virgin
afraid to go, a QuakeCon id stalker wants to meet the men
behind the game, QuakeCon and drunken freaks, wanking at QuakeCon,
and would mynx let Mental4 go to QuakeCon??
Holy Buttstubble, Batman! 7/29/1999
Settling into a relationship, stinky femfarts, shaving a hairy
hide, a straight man in a bellybutton ring and nailpolish,
blah blah Paul Steed blah blah, and a pop-spoogey Embarrassment
Spotlight. It makes me glad I'm double-jointed,
Milky Mandingo 7/15/1999
Cartoon love, a bald hot-dog and beans, geeks vs. "real men"
and the women that love them, overcoming a fear of peeing
in public, when the pupil becomes the master, the beast that
lives in Lowtax's pants, and a really disgusting Embarrassment
Spotlight. Boom chaka laka.
Summer Sausage 6/30/1999
Taking a bite out of love, cutting off ciruclation with a
manglove, living with a stupid haircut for the love of a good
woman, aliens baking bread in the underpants of women around
the world, another net.love connection (aww, how sweet!),
and an interesting peek into the depths of the Quake community's
bathroom habits. It doesn't get much stranger than this. Are
you guys medicated for these problems or what?
Hairy Turtle 6/30/1999
A girlfriend, a strap-on, and a few questions. An Irish lass
looks for love in American places, some guy plagued with violent
outbursts questions the Quake connection, a worried girlfriend
writes in with a concern about her lover's penile slant, an
oinking computer nerd with wife trouble, and a disgustingly
gooey Embarrassment Spotlight, courtesy of a "former Ion employee"
who remains nameless. Anybody got a Kleenex?
Dear Romero! 6/09/1999
Dear John Romero!! I've handed over the leash, er, reins to
the Daikatana man himself, where he tackles such pressing
issues as the "let's just be friends" excuse, a three-testicled
Quake player seeking reassurance, small schmekkies and lack
of body hair, some poor dork in love with Kornelia, how to
avoid throwing temper tantrums when you lose a deathmatch,
and... oh ye of little faith... it can be achieved! You too
can have hair like John Romero! In this Dear Mynx exclusive,
John reveals his ten step program for healthy, shiny hair.
Strip down, grease up, and wallow around with Dear John!
Since good things "come" to those who wait, you freaky punks
are getting a good old fashioned rerun this week, the special
all-embarrassment column from way back when. Why, you ask?
I can't bear to part with the awesome questions I've received,
so I'm spending this week hoarding the funkiest of questions,
because next week's column will bring you something new and,
dare I say it, exciting. Arousing? You'll just have to wait
"Don't Eat Me!!" 5/27/1999
Wank, wank, wanking the day away in odd places, a guy that
is addicted to girlie (literally) mags, Mynx gives a lesson
on how to kiss like a pro, a poor lad with dragon breath seeks
help, Carmack visits a lucky soul in dreamland (and brings
pet snakes!) and a stretchy embarrassment spotlight that has
all the classic players: Lovers, mothers, and condoms. Bouncy
This Week: What to do with a gay Quake player ("not that there's
anything wrong with that.."), self love as witnessed by a
sibling, Quake apathy because of a chick, hot and sweaty Quake,
and some guy writes in about his backdoor wife love. Quake
3 is out - quit pestering me.
Big Giant Wookie 4/29/1999
This Week: Hooboy. I downshift into a glossary one week and
all the hosebeasts come slurping out of the woodwork. Where
do you people come from?! Grab your bottle of Mylanta, a nice
big spoon, and burrow in for a glimpse at how the other half
lives. Yeap, just when you thought it was safe... some guy
is in love with a lesbian, another guy has a great big giant
wookie, then there's the dude with the poo fetish, a Quake
battle over a woman, and the weekly foreskin guy. What would
we do without weekly foreskin guys?! And wrapping the whole
thing up with a small show of good taste is id software's
Graeme Devine, who shared his teenage embarrassing moment
with us in the midst of the q3test releases. Graeme rules.
This Week: Many of you have commented on my, er, creative
terms, usually for things relating to sex, and asked how and
why I come up with such things. It all started back in the
day when I was a newbie advice columnist, and needed "other"
ways to say things that might not normally be so okay to say.
Thus, the Mynxisms were born. Many are my own, many I've picked
up along the way. You asked for it, and who am I to deny my
loving public? So, by popular demand, the glossary of Mynxisms!