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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | "Don't Eat Me!!"
   

THIS WEEK:   Wank, wank, wanking the day away in odd places, a guy that is addicted to girlie (literally) mags, Mynx gives a lesson on how to kiss like a pro, a poor lad with dragon breath seeks help, Carmack visits a lucky soul in dreamland (and brings pet snakes!) and a stretchy embarrassment spotlight that has all the classic players: Lovers, mothers, and condoms.  Bouncy bouncy!!

  He's Multi Talented
I'm a 16 year old from Sydney, Australia.  Slapping my salami is a once-a-day issue.  All the girls at school know ­ I openly tell them that my sausage is almost permanently a hostage of Mrs. palmer.   I have this fascination with finding new places where I can wank.  I do it at friend's places, swimming pools, exams, walking home, trains etc.  Have you got anything to stop me from doing this or ideas to help calm me down?  I've tried quitting altogether and in "special places" but I CAN'T!  

          -Stroked

Don't quit outright, and you needn't give up your special places - just choose wisely.  For example, a restaurant, or your own private home?  A public park, or your own private home?  Your grandmother's aquarobics class, or your own private home?  See a pattern here?  NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH YOU WANK!  (Okay, with the possible exception of HoserX, that is)

That said, shaking hands with the unemployed (thanks Rob) on a daily basis isn't really all that much of an issue - many people do that.  The thing is though, most people seem to avoid the public trips to the wank tank.  Self love in the company of other people is only something I advise if the other people know what they are getting into.

  The Young Man In Love With Young Miss
About a week ago my class was working on this project for school about stereotypical ads in magazines. The teacher brought in girly teen magazines that belonged to her daughter that we could look through for ads.  I was browsing through a YM when I came across the Say Anything section. Readers submit their embarrassing stories (peeing themselves, periods at the wrong time, etc).  I began reading more and more of them and now have found myself almost addicted to them.  I'm almost at the point where I want to subscribe to the magazine. I know this is wrong for a guy to want to read those kind of magazines, help me!.  

          - Y"M"

What's wrong with it?  So what if you're a guy and the magazine's target audience members are "Young Misses"  If it has content you enjoy, then by all means, go ahead and read it.  Would it be wrong for me to subscribe to Playboy?  The only thing wrong with your interest in this magazine is the stigma you've created for it.  Go on.  Subscribe.  It's cheaper that way.

  A Kiss Is Just A Kiss
Picture the setting. Blue sky. Beautiful day. Park bench. French kiss.  "So how was it?" I ask. I look into her eyes.  She: "Um, okay."  "Okay!? Um, alright. Any tips?"  "Don't eat me! And do some reading on kissing."

I also heard some stuff about "less is more." Oops. A little too aggressive with that tongue, aren't we? Well, a few weeks later I started hearing, "But we kissed last week!" Hm, some issues? I think so. But then again, by the aforementioned theory, the less we kiss, the more exciting our relationship will be! Wow! Kick ass! Haha.

Um, right. So, how does a guy french kiss well? Some pointers? Do's and don'ts?  

          -Slurp

When I was a young, nubile, innocent and chaste mynx, (and I'm not talking about last week), I briefly dated a boy who became forever known as Horsemouth.  He was so gorgeous, I had such a crush on him, and then he kissed me.  He opened his mouth as wide as he could, clamped his teeth on either side of my face and slapped me upside the head with his tongue.  It was horrifying.  There were teeth marks on my cheeks and everything.  Believe me when I tell you that a softly puckered mouth, not wide open but not closed, and gentle flutterings of the tongue are the best way to go.  After that, follow her lead.  If she gives you more tongue, she wants to get more tongue.  Don't go at her like you're trying to find out what she had for lunch last week.  Go easy, and follow her lead.

Oh.  By the way.  Your girlfriend is a drag queen.  No actual woman would ever say "don't eat me".

  The Dragon Breath That Roared
I have always seen myself as a pretty normal guy until I got to college.  Something changed in my body when I was a freshman or sophomore, and now I have bad breath 24/7.  This medical condition is known as halitosis.  I've tried everything from mints to those "kits" (usually containing a tongue scraper, "oxygenated" toothpaste, and some form of chlorine dioxide.  Recently, I came across a site that found a local "specialist" here in my city.  What should I do?  Should I ask for any type of guarantees?  This hasn't affected my work, school, or Quake 2 habits...but it's having a serious impact on my social life.  Please help!  

          -Buttbreath

I'm assuming you don't eat pungent foods regularly (as in curry isn't a staple of your diet), so I'll ask this: When was the last time you had a dental exam that included a good cleaning?  Are you up to date on all your dental work that needs to be done?  I suspect that old rotten bits of food are stuck up in the cracks of your teeth - or worse, have worked their way in if you have large cavities - and the rotting bits of food are making your mouth smelly.  If you decide to go to this specialist, s/he probably won't be able to offer you any guarantee - you'll just have to hope what they do works.  In the meantime I suggest you floss and brush after every meal, chew parsley sprigs in between, stay away from things like smoking and coffee, and hope for the best.

  Carmack Slithers Into His Dreams
Ok, so, here's the thing Miss Mynx.  Do you think John Carmack is a snake lover?  Or does he maybe look like a human snake?  I don't know, but I can't stop having these wack ass dreams about John Carmack and snakes.  It's becoming sort of a recurring nightmare where I encounter John Carmack, in pits of snakes, wearing snakes, petting snakes, eating snakes, whathaveyou.. the scenes change, but the players are always the same: One John Carmack, and snakes.  Help?  

          -Serpent

I recently learned that top hats and snakes both represent the male unit in dreams.  It's possible that your subconscious is so awed by Q3A and the obvious fruits of Carmack's labor that it can't help but find him to be an exceedingly "virile" presence in your head.  And of course, I'm told Mr. Carmack IS in fact exceedingly virile, in a genius sort of way.  Don't let this bother you.  Dig it, groove it, accept it and I'm sure you'll move on to something less phallic in dreams to come.  All I can say is relish it while you have it, grasshopper.

  Embarrassment Spotlight
The following Embarrassment Spotlight comes to us from one Matthew Lander.  Take a moment to delve into the realm of embarrassment that one can only experience when discussing sex with the mother of your lover.  Frightening territory, let me assure you.  Read on...

"I was in my girlfriend's room (now my fiance) and we were just reading together and listening to music.  Her mother comes in and tells us that she's going to the grocery store and should be back in 2 hours or so.

Now, we are bored and taking those love tests in Cosmo. The tests all told us we were perfect for each other and so on, but we had only been together for four months and hadn't felt it was right to have sex yet, we
wanted to know for sure that it was love, and at that moment we felt like we did. 

We were on the floor in the middle of the room with a blanket under us.  I'm on top when suddenly we hear the door start to open.  I twist to grab the blanket as she rolls under the bed.  It's her mom.  She forgot her purse and turned back halfway to the store. She sees me wrapped in the blankets and freaks as I get banned from the house.

Fast forward a few weeks later and minus the ban on me coming over.  I'm in the kitchen talking with her
mom when she tells me that if I'm going to be having sex with her daughter that I better use a condom.  I told her that I always use a condom and she says "you weren't when I saw you two".

I told her we were, and she says "Wow! that sucker must have been stretched out real far!"


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