THIS WEEK: Wank, wank, wanking
the day away in odd places, a guy that is addicted to girlie (literally) mags, Mynx gives a
lesson on how to kiss like a pro, a poor lad with dragon breath seeks
help, Carmack visits a lucky soul in dreamland (and brings pet snakes!) and
a stretchy embarrassment spotlight that has all the classic players: Lovers, mothers, and condoms. Bouncy
He's Multi Talented
I'm a 16 year old
from Sydney, Australia. Slapping my salami is a once-a-day issue. All the
girls at school know I openly tell them that my sausage is almost permanently
a hostage of Mrs. palmer. I have this fascination with finding new places where I can wank. I do it at friend's places, swimming pools, exams, walking home, trains etc. Have you got anything to stop me from doing this or ideas to help calm me down? I've tried quitting altogether and in "special places" but I CAN'T!
Don't quit outright, and you needn't give up
your special places - just choose wisely. For example,
a restaurant, or your own private home? A public park,
or your own private home? Your grandmother's aquarobics class, or your
own private home? See a pattern here? NOBODY WANTS
TO WATCH YOU WANK! (Okay, with the possible exception of
HoserX, that is)
That said, shaking hands
with the unemployed (thanks Rob) on a daily basis isn't really all that
much of an issue - many people do that. The thing is though, most
people seem to avoid the public trips to the wank tank.
Self love in the company of other people is only something I
advise if the other people know what they are getting into.
The Young Man In Love With Young Miss
About a week ago my class was working on this
project for school about stereotypical ads in magazines. The
teacher brought in girly teen magazines that belonged to her
daughter that we could look through for ads. I was browsing through a YM when I came across the Say Anything section. Readers submit their embarrassing stories (peeing themselves, periods at the wrong time, etc). I began reading more and more of them and now have found myself almost addicted to them. I'm almost at the point where I want to subscribe to the magazine. I know this is wrong for a guy to want to read those kind of magazines, help me!.
What's wrong with it? So what if
you're a guy and the magazine's target audience members are "Young
Misses" If it has content you enjoy, then by all means, go
ahead and read it. Would it be wrong for me to subscribe to
Playboy? The only thing wrong with your interest in this
magazine is the stigma you've created for it. Go on.
Subscribe. It's cheaper that way.
A Kiss Is Just A Kiss
Picture the setting. Blue sky. Beautiful day. Park bench. French
kiss. "So how was it?" I ask. I look into her
eyes. She: "Um, okay." "Okay!? Um, alright. Any tips?" "Don't eat me! And do some reading on kissing."
I also heard some stuff about "less is
more." Oops. A little too aggressive with that tongue, aren't we?
Well, a few weeks later I started hearing, "But we kissed last
week!" Hm, some issues? I think so. But then again, by the
aforementioned theory, the less we kiss, the more exciting our
relationship will be! Wow! Kick ass! Haha.
Um, right. So, how does a guy french
kiss well? Some pointers? Do's and
When I was a young, nubile, innocent and chaste
mynx, (and I'm not talking about last week), I briefly dated a boy
who became forever known as Horsemouth. He was so gorgeous, I
had such a crush on him, and then he kissed me. He opened his
mouth as wide as he could, clamped his teeth on either side of my
face and slapped me upside the head with his tongue. It was
horrifying. There were teeth marks on my cheeks and
everything. Believe me when I tell you that a softly puckered
mouth, not wide open but not closed, and gentle flutterings of the
tongue are the best way to go. After that, follow her
lead. If she gives you more tongue, she wants to get more
tongue. Don't go at her like you're trying to find out what
she had for lunch last week. Go easy, and follow her
Oh. By the way. Your girlfriend is a drag
queen. No actual woman would ever say "don't eat me".
The Dragon Breath That Roared
I have always seen
myself as a pretty normal guy until I got to college.
Something changed in my body when I was a freshman or sophomore, and
now I have bad breath 24/7. This medical condition is known as
halitosis. I've tried everything from mints to those
"kits" (usually containing a tongue scraper, "oxygenated"
toothpaste, and some form of chlorine dioxide. Recently, I
came across a site that found a local "specialist" here in
my city. What should I do?
Should I ask for any type of guarantees? This hasn't affected
my work, school, or Quake 2 habits...but it's having a serious impact on my
social life. Please help!
I'm assuming you don't eat pungent
foods regularly (as in curry isn't a staple of your diet), so I'll
ask this: When was the last time you had a dental exam that included
a good cleaning? Are you up to date on all your dental work
that needs to be done? I suspect that old rotten bits of food
are stuck up in the cracks of your teeth - or worse, have worked
their way in if you have large cavities - and the rotting bits of
food are making your mouth smelly. If you decide to go to this
specialist, s/he probably won't be able to offer you any guarantee -
you'll just have to hope what they do works. In the meantime I
suggest you floss and brush after every meal, chew parsley sprigs in
between, stay away from things like smoking and coffee, and hope for
Carmack Slithers Into His Dreams
Ok, so, here's the thing Miss
Mynx. Do you think John Carmack is a snake lover?
Or does he maybe look like a human snake? I don't know,
but I can't stop having these wack ass dreams about John Carmack and
snakes. It's becoming sort of a recurring nightmare where
I encounter John Carmack, in pits of snakes, wearing snakes, petting
snakes, eating snakes, whathaveyou.. the scenes change,
but the players are always
the same: One John Carmack, and
I recently learned that top
hats and snakes both represent the male unit in dreams. It's
possible that your subconscious is so awed by Q3A and the obvious
fruits of Carmack's labor that it can't help but find him to be an
exceedingly "virile" presence in your head. And of course, I'm
told Mr. Carmack IS in fact exceedingly virile,
in a genius sort of way. Don't let this bother you.
Dig it, groove it, accept it and I'm sure you'll move on
to something less phallic in dreams to come. All I can say is relish
it while you have it, grasshopper.
The following Embarrassment Spotlight
comes to us from one Matthew Lander. Take a moment to delve into the realm of
embarrassment that one can only experience when discussing sex with
the mother of your lover. Frightening territory, let me assure
you. Read on...
"I was in my girlfriend's room (now my fiance)
and we were just reading together and listening to music. Her
mother comes in and tells us that she's going to the grocery store
and should be back in 2 hours or so.
Now, we are bored
and taking those love tests in Cosmo. The tests all told us we were
perfect for each other and so on, but we had only been
together for four months and hadn't felt it was right to have sex
wanted to know for sure that it was love, and at that
moment we felt like we did.
We were on the floor in the
middle of the room with a blanket under us. I'm on top
when suddenly we hear the door start to open. I twist to
grab the blanket as she rolls under the bed. It's her
mom. She forgot her purse and turned back halfway to the
store. She sees me wrapped in the blankets and freaks as I get
banned from the house.
Fast forward a few weeks later
and minus the ban on me coming over. I'm in the kitchen
talking with her
mom when she tells me that if I'm going to be
having sex with her daughter that I better use a condom. I
told her that I always use a condom and she says "you weren't when I
saw you two".
I told her we were, and she says "Wow! that sucker must have been stretched out real far!"