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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | Hairy Turtle
   

THIS WEEK:   A girlfriend, a strap-on, and a few questions.  An Irish lass looks for love in American places, some guy plagued with violent outbursts questions the Quake connection, a worried girlfriend writes in with a concern about her lover's penile slant, an oinking computer nerd with wife trouble, and a disgustingly gooey Embarrassment Spotlight, courtesy of a "former Ion employee" who remains nameless.  Anybody got a Kleenex?

  Ow.  Ow!
Ok, I have a girlfriend, her name is Janet, and we've been going out for about 6 months, She is in a separate dorm room with 2 other girls. Any ways I guess she had been a lesbian before because of my predicament.

One night when we had just about to *get started* I guess she was a bit rambunctious, we hadn't done it for a least a month, anyways we were in the car, and she pulls out one of those strap on dildos, (I know she's a girl, I checked at the school office) and she said if I let her do me then she'd let me do kinky stuff with her too. Now I really like her but I can't decide if it is safe for her to *do* me. I know this ain't normal and I said I'd think about it, but back to the question, Mynx is this sort of thing safe for me?  I heard of all kinds of bleeding involved and I didn't want that. And just to ask a future question I have never been gay so I don't know what it feels like.  I am so confused.
 

          -Wherethesundon't Shine

Safe, more or less.  Fun?  Not really.  I mean, hey, the things you do for love, right?  I have a little motto.  It goes something like this: Try everything once.  If you're really into this trade off and really have your spork sprung to do this kinky stuff to her, then I guess a good hard plastic rogering is the price you are going to have to pay with this particular woman.  To tell you the truth, the thought pretty much makes my own butt pucker in fear (sympathy clenching?) - but, yes, to each his (and her) own.  Accept her shaft if you're man enough.  The choice is, ultimately, yours. 

  Aye, Lucky Charms!
My name is Hillary I live in Ireland I am 28 and single I would love to make good friends with an American guy possible relationship so just e mail me you never know how lucky you were to read this.  

          -Lass

Because I had to read this drivel, I felt I just had to share the wealth.  Hopefully you'll be hearing from all sorts of delightful homegrown, corn-fed American boys.  Pay special attention to the one named greygoon.  In our country, it's a great and sexy compliment to be compared to a goat.

  Please, Don't Squeeze His Charmin!
I write to you because I am in serious need of help, and you seem to be a very wise Mynx, from what I've read on the page.  I have a horrible problem.  I'm prone to violent outbursts, especially in school.  I've been to countless counselors, psychiatrists, etc. and nothing seems to work.  I've been on several medications, and been in 3 special schools.  Could this be related to Quake or what?  I guess the thing that really worries me is that someday I'll strike someone I really care about (family, friends, girlfriends) and I'm a really nice guy, but this evil side tears me to pieces.  It horrifies me because I know other people must think I'm crazy or something!  What do I do?  I don't want to be like this!  

          -Touchy

No.  I don't think this is related to Quake.  It sounds like an imbalance to me, quite frankly.  Since you haven't had any success with any of the medications or counselors you've tried, I would recommend visiting a holistic healer, perhaps a naturopath.  Hell, take up yoga.  Eat a balanced diet (cut out excess sugar and caffeine), get lots of rest, drink a buttload of water, exercise regularly,  walk the midget.  Find some sort of balance and quiet in yourself, in your life, and work outward, instead of trying to find a school, a drug, a psychotherapist to work their way in.  And like, peace, man.

  Standing Tall
I've been an avid reader of your column since I began reading it earlier this year.  I didn't find it quite amusing but now I'm in need of some of your expert advice.  I was  "fooling" around with my boyfriend and things were getting hot n heavy.  I moved to put a condom on him and noticed something.  His penis points STRAIGHT up.  He could hit  himself in the eye if his volcano of love erupts!  So, Miss Mynx, here is my question.  Is this normal?  I always thought that the penis was supposed to be horizontal, not upward to the man's face!  Is his love wand ok?  Any help would be great.  

          -At Attention

On the contrary, his hairy little turtle is quite normal.  I once knew a guy who liked to talk about the time he did, in fact, shoot himself right in the eye.  I do feel compelled to mention that there is a wide, wide, long and hard range of "normal" when it comes to the golf club of love.  Earlier this year we Americans heard that the Presidential Penis swings to the left.  Some swoop to the right.  Others, like your little lambchop, fly high and straight up.  The only thing you need to be worried about is one that droops down south.  If that's the case, it's a wee smidge too early for the old rubber raincoat.

  Love, Honor, and Act Like A Complete Buttcrack
I am a 26yr old married male, (I'll leave the happily part out.)  Yeah, as gamers go I am a bit up there in the years but I just can't stop, the games are getting better and better. I have a decent life, and a good job, but, every time I switch on the ol'cpu the wife gets mad. Her version of spending time together is sitting on the couch watching t.v. my argument is, "hey! I'm just in the next room.....what's the F&$#%@G difference??"  If all you want to do is watch t.v. tonight (not one single show that i would enjoy) then I'll be fraggin in the next room.

She does not understand the allure that gaming has on me and I definitely don't understand her version of spending time with one another, really.....watching t.v.?  She could care less and probably wish's that the ol'cpu would just explode (of course I would purchase a new one over her dead body, gladly). I have tried calmly explaining to her why I enjoy it and have shown her online play (my personal favorite) she tries to show enthusiasm but I'm not deaf, dumb,and blind - she detests it, all of it.

I wanted to go to a lan party 'cause I've never been to one and it sounds like fun, but she put a stop to that real quick even though I showed here there website proving they existed. I would play every day if given the chance, I enjoy it that much and when I heard about some people even playing professionally I thought AWWW YEAAAH where do I sign. If you gave me a choice between the ol'cpu and the ol'lady I would have to lovingly pick my good friend the ol'cpu (she knows I would, she asked).

It does not talk back, it does not tell me I can't get a new motorcycle, yet doesn't say anything, anyway (I can live with that), can a more interested/interesting woman be located, or am I one sick puppy that needs
to toss the silicone?

I am inmate number 4398276645 and that's my story.

 

          -Husband

Ready?  All together now!  SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUIIIE!!  OINK OINK OINK!  That's right, you sir, are a pig!  Oink!  How do you manage to sit in front of the computer with that little corkscrew tail on your ass?  Did you ever stop to think that maybe your wife just wants to be near you, to snuggle up to you on the couch and "watch tv", waiting to see what might "come up"?  Maybe if you threw her a bone every once in awhile, acted like she actually means something to you and holds your interest, she wouldn't be so insecure.  If you spend all of your free time ignoring her, you deserve to be nagged and bitched at.  How can you ask your wife to respect your interests and your wants when you don't show her the same respect?  If she has any sense, she'll be showing you the door pretty soon.  Don't let the doorknob hit you on the way out.

  Embarrassment Spotlight
Hoo boy.  Sometimes, these little gems come my way, and I just can't bear to pass them up.  This week's charming nose goblin comes our way courtesy of - oops, he claims Anonymity!  All he'll say is that he works "in Texas" and that he was at one time an employee of Ion Storm - for about five minutes.  Grab a tissue, and enjoy.

"Begin Shame: I fly a desk for a living, and it's really not all that bad.  It's mostly good, even.  The bad part is, being the juicy computer nerd that I am, I am all about twiddling my own hardware.  I get severe gas pains whenever "other people" have their fingers in my box.  In addition to this, I'm pretty territorial about my office space.  I inhabit it, I fill it with things I enjoy, I try to make it a home away from home since I spend 13 hours a day there.

Anyways, after Ion I got this job, like I said, I got this one flying a desk.  A few weeks into this gig, Tech comes down to add a new drive to my machine.  Booyah.  He's a guy that I had deathmatched before and we'd had a beer at the bar, and it was nice to have someone in the office that has similar interests.

So there this guy is, under my desk, doing his job, when I am suddenly gripped with a horrible panic attack.  I can hardly choke the words out right now, I'm still so embarrassed by this.  I realized as he's under the desk that I had picked my nose not five minutes earlier and smeared a huge, chunky, wet booger under the desk.  I'm not proud of this and my ears feel like they are going to fry off of my head just recalling it, but it's true.  The horror was yet to come, though.  When Tech Guy huddled out from under my desk... the booger was in his hair.  Stuck right there in his hair.  Oh my god.  And what could I have said?  I just pretended there was nothing there.  End Shame."


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