THIS WEEK: A girlfriend, a strap-on, and a few
questions. An Irish lass looks for love in American places, some
guy plagued with violent outbursts questions the Quake connection, a worried
girlfriend writes in with a concern about her lover's penile slant, an oinking
computer nerd with wife trouble, and a disgustingly gooey Embarrassment
Spotlight, courtesy of a "former Ion employee" who remains nameless.
Anybody got a Kleenex?
Ok, I have a
girlfriend, her name is Janet, and we've been going out for about 6
months, She is in a separate dorm room with 2 other girls. Any ways
I guess she had been a lesbian before because of my
One night when we had just about to *get
started* I guess she was a bit rambunctious, we hadn't done it for a
least a month, anyways we were in the car, and she pulls out one of
those strap on dildos, (I know she's a girl, I checked at the
school office) and she said if I let her do me then she'd let me do
kinky stuff with her too. Now I really like her but I can't decide
if it is safe for her to *do* me. I know this ain't normal and
I said I'd think about it, but back to the question, Mynx is this sort of thing safe for me? I heard of all kinds of bleeding involved and I didn't want that. And just to ask a future question I have never been gay so I don't know what it feels like. I am so confused.
Safe, more or less. Fun? Not
really. I mean, hey, the things you do for love, right?
I have a little motto. It goes something like this: Try everything
once. If you're really into this trade off and really have your spork
sprung to do this kinky stuff
to her, then I guess a good hard plastic rogering is the price you
are going to have to pay with this particular woman. To tell you the
truth, the thought pretty much makes my own butt pucker in fear
(sympathy clenching?) - but, yes, to each his (and her) own. Accept
her shaft if you're man enough. The choice is, ultimately, yours.
Aye, Lucky Charms!
My name is Hillary I live in Ireland I am
28 and single I would love to make good friends with an American
guy possible relationship so just e mail me you never know how lucky you were to read this.
I had to read this drivel, I felt I just had to
share the wealth. Hopefully you'll be hearing from all sorts of delightful homegrown, corn-fed
American boys. Pay special attention to the one named greygoon.
In our country, it's a great and sexy compliment to
be compared to a goat.
Please, Don't Squeeze His Charmin!
I write to you because I am
in serious need of help, and you seem to be a very wise Mynx, from
what I've read on the page. I have a horrible problem.
I'm prone to violent outbursts, especially in school. I've
countless counselors, psychiatrists, etc. and nothing seems to work. I've been on
several medications, and been in 3 special schools. Could this be related to
Quake or what? I guess the thing that really worries me is that someday
I'll strike someone I really care about (family, friends, girlfriends)
and I'm a really nice guy, but this evil side
tears me to pieces. It horrifies me because I know other
people must think I'm crazy or something! What do I do? I don't want to be like this!
No. I don't think this is related to
Quake. It sounds like an imbalance to me, quite
frankly. Since you haven't had any success with any of
the medications or counselors you've tried, I would recommend
visiting a holistic healer, perhaps a naturopath. Hell, take
up yoga. Eat a balanced diet (cut out excess sugar and
caffeine), get lots of rest, drink a buttload of water,
exercise regularly, walk the midget. Find some
sort of balance and quiet in yourself, in your life, and work
outward, instead of trying to find a school, a drug, a
psychotherapist to work their way in. And like, peace,
an avid reader of your column since I began reading it earlier this
year. I didn't find it quite amusing but now I'm in need
of some of your expert advice. I was "fooling" around with my boyfriend and
things were getting hot n heavy. I moved to put a condom on
him and noticed something. His penis points STRAIGHT up. He could
hit himself in the eye if his volcano of love erupts! So, Miss Mynx,
here is my question. Is this normal? I always thought that the
penis was supposed to be horizontal, not upward to the man's
face! Is his love wand ok? Any help would be
On the contrary, his hairy little
turtle is quite normal. I once knew a guy who liked to talk
about the time he did, in fact, shoot himself right in the
eye. I do feel compelled to mention that there is a
wide, wide, long and hard range of "normal" when it comes to the
golf club of love. Earlier this year we Americans
heard that the Presidential Penis swings to the left. Some
swoop to the right. Others, like your little lambchop, fly high and straight
up. The only thing you need to be worried about is
one that droops down south. If that's the case, it's a
wee smidge too early for the old rubber
Love, Honor, and Act Like A Complete Buttcrack
I am a 26yr old
married male, (I'll leave the happily part out.) Yeah, as
gamers go I am a bit up there in the years but I just can't stop,
the games are getting better and better. I have a decent life, and a
good job, but, every time I switch on the ol'cpu the wife gets
mad. Her version of spending time together is sitting on the
couch watching t.v. my argument is, "hey! I'm just in the next
room.....what's the F&$#%@G difference??" If all you want
to do is watch t.v. tonight (not one single show that i would enjoy)
then I'll be fraggin in the next room.
She does not
understand the allure that gaming has on me and I definitely don't
understand her version of spending time with one another,
really.....watching t.v.? She could care less and probably
wish's that the ol'cpu would just explode (of course I would
purchase a new one over her dead body, gladly). I have tried calmly
explaining to her why I enjoy it and have shown her online play (my
personal favorite) she tries to show enthusiasm but I'm not deaf,
dumb,and blind - she detests it, all of it.
I wanted to go
to a lan party 'cause I've never been to one and it sounds like fun,
but she put a stop to that real quick even though I showed here
there website proving they existed. I would play every day if given
the chance, I enjoy it that much and when I heard about some
people even playing professionally I thought AWWW YEAAAH where do I
sign. If you gave me a choice between the ol'cpu and the ol'lady I
would have to lovingly pick my good friend the ol'cpu (she knows I
would, she asked).
It does not talk back, it does not
tell me I can't get a new motorcycle, yet doesn't say anything,
anyway (I can live with that), can a more interested/interesting
woman be located, or am I one sick puppy that needs
I am inmate number 4398276645 and that's my story.
Ready? All together now!
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUIIIE!! OINK OINK OINK! That's
right, you sir, are a pig! Oink! How do you manage to
sit in front of the computer with that little corkscrew tail on your
ass? Did you ever stop to think that maybe your wife just
wants to be near you, to snuggle up to you on the couch and "watch
tv", waiting to see what might "come up"? Maybe if you threw
her a bone every once in awhile, acted like she actually means
something to you and holds your interest, she wouldn't be
so insecure. If
you spend all of your free time ignoring her, you
deserve to be nagged and bitched at. How
can you ask your wife to respect your interests and your
wants when you don't show her the same respect? If she has
any sense, she'll be showing you the door pretty soon. Don't let the doorknob
hit you on the way out.
Hoo boy. Sometimes, these little gems
come my way, and I just can't bear to pass them up. This
week's charming nose goblin comes our way courtesy of - oops, he
claims Anonymity! All he'll say is that he works "in Texas"
and that he was at one time an employee of Ion
Storm - for about five minutes. Grab a tissue, and enjoy.
"Begin Shame: I fly a desk for a living, and
it's really not all that bad. It's mostly good, even.
The bad part is, being the juicy computer nerd that I am, I am all
about twiddling my own hardware. I get severe gas pains
whenever "other people" have their fingers in my box. In
addition to this, I'm pretty territorial about my office
space. I inhabit it, I fill it with things I enjoy, I try to
make it a home away from home since I spend 13 hours a day
Anyways, after Ion I got this job, like I said, I got
this one flying a desk. A few weeks into this gig, Tech comes
down to add a new drive to my machine. Booyah. He's a
guy that I had deathmatched before and we'd had a beer at the bar,
and it was nice to have someone in the office that has similar
So there this guy is, under my desk, doing his
job, when I am suddenly gripped with a horrible panic attack.
I can hardly choke the words out right now, I'm still so embarrassed
by this. I realized as he's under the desk that I had picked
my nose not five minutes earlier and smeared a huge, chunky, wet
booger under the desk. I'm not proud of this and my ears feel
like they are going to fry off of my head just recalling it, but
it's true. The horror was yet to come, though. When Tech Guy
huddled out from under my desk... the booger was in his hair. Stuck right there
in his hair. Oh my god. And what could I have said?
I just pretended there was nothing there. End Shame."