THIS WEEK: Cartoon love, a bald hot-dog and beans, geeks vs. "real men" and the women that love them, overcoming a fear of peeing in public, when the pupil becomes the master, the beast that lives in Lowtax's pants, and a really disgusting Embarrassment Spotlight. Boom chaka laka.
What Luscious... Ink... You Have.
I have this thing with Anime chicks, I don't
mean like Hentai and stuff, I mean like, Sailor Moon, or characters
from recent RPGs (*cough* Luna from Lunar)... I can actually fall in
love with these anime chicks from rpgs and
whatnot, All my friends
tell me it's sick, perverted and weird, and I can't help but feel
their right, but it's like... Odd. I even have a girlfriend and everything,
but these anime chicks... I don't know what it is! I just
don't know if this is a normal thing? A thing for cartoon women,
or something? Or is it just a rare fetish that people have? It
just feels so wrong to love some cartoon... I mean singers and actresses,
at least they're *real*, these anime chicks aren't even
This screams "trouble with reality" to me. I've known a
few Anime-chick-obsessed guys in my day and quite honestly, hon, they're
all a little fruity in the head. A couple of them are
deeply closeted, while another is just plain off his rocker. While
I say, hey, whatever blows your rack back... I just don't get how cartoons
can do it for you. What's with cold, hard, flat ink when
you can have curvy, warm, soft women?
Smooth As A Baby's, Er, Bottom
I recently heard from a friend that porn stars
shave to make their schlongs look longer. So hell, I tried it
yesterday and it wasn't that bad. And YES even looking at the
ruler it looks a half inch longer : )
But my question is do women prefer a bald penis and sack?
aren't many things that women, in general, prefer.
Hell, you can't get us to agree on anything, much less penile
haircuts. But me? Hey, I don't care how it's
dressed, so long as it shows up. If you like it, by
all means. Shave it. It's your sausage.
Geeks vs. "Real Men"
I've got what you
might call a problem. My entire life I've been classified as a
computer/electronics geek that sucks at most sports and is known for
being a all around wise ass to anyone that gets in his way.
I've lusted over certain women before, but none was ever like this
one. This is the first woman that when I see her my voice
cracks, I begin worrying about dumb things like my breath, is my
shoe untied, etc. and just end up losing all the coolness everyone
has known me for. She is so perfect, she seems to know enough
about computers, is smart, pretty, athletic and the whole bit.
I don't know if she likes me or not but she always seems to give me
these glances while we are in the PC lab that make me honestly think
that she likes me. But wait, she has currently (and extremely happily) been dating one of the most
popular men in my school, who any woman would kill to go out with. Now,
what the hell would she want with a nerdish, smart tongued,
piece of work like me when she could have
I can not get my mind off her, ever since summer vacation has
set in I often keep chat programs idling in hopes of seeing her
pop online, and when I wake up she is the first thing I think
about, as well as the last before I go to
sleep. I have a lot of mixed feelings and I
don't know where to go from here, but one thing I
know for sure is i can't get her off my mind. What the hell am I to do?
Let me tell you, as a geek loving woman, that geeks
hold a certain something that "manly men" never do.
She's probably stealing glances at you, appreciating your wit
and intellect. Well, you could have a butt hair stuck between
your teeth or something, but probably, she just digs you. There
was a time once when I was dating one of those "popular guys".
He was tall, he was handsome, he played rugby, and so
on. Then I met this other guy.. a total and complete
nerd. He lived for Unix and Doom and you'd never hear him
say "that touchdown was just OUTSTANDING!". Smart
geeks are cool. Just waltz your little pocket protected ass
over to her and say hi. You'll be glad
Saving Private Pee Pee
Here's my problem: whenever I go to urinate, if
there's other guys in the bathroom, I can't go! It's like all my
waterworks lock up and nothing comes out. Even if I stand in a
stall, and not a urinal, it still doesn't work. This is mighty hard
for me, especially right after going to the movies with a date (oh
geez, I had to pee so bad after Titanic
that I thought my bladder had exploded, but I still couldn't go.) This
is quite a predicament for me, since I want to join the Army
in a few years and if I can't pee when I'm in a
room with the rest of my troop (squad, group, whatever) I know I'll
be in for some serious trouble. Please help! Is there any way to
make myself more comfortable?
-Private Pee Pee
Oh, I can SO sympathize. I am the world's worst
public peer. I just can't do it. I've
found that a quiet bathroom is much much worse than
a crowded noisy one... unless it's so crowded that I feel pressure
to hurry up and go, in which case I'd better just forget
about going at all. There was a time when a certain
husband liked to stand outside the bathroom door and say "I can
heeeeear yooou" just to make me freak. In all honesty, the only
way to get over it is to do just that - get over it. I
got over it when I had a kid. When you have a toddler, you
never go to the bathroom alone. Since you probably don't want
to run out and get yourself a toddler, try borrowing your best friend
or your uncle Chester or whoever you trust. Piddle
with them standing right outside the bathroom
door, where you know they can hear you. Once you can
do that, if they're willing, invite 'em into the potty room with
you for a real dress rehearsal. Make sure you've downed
a whole lot of water, too. Once you can pee in
front of someone you trust (anyone will do), then try somewhere semi
public, where you're familiar, like work or school. Eventually,
you'll be one of those guys who whips it out at the urinal
and strikes up a conversation with the dude next to you without
giving the vein drain a second thought.
Use The Force, Marine
I've been playing DOOM
and Quake and their sequels since the day they came out. I think of
myself as an adept player (minus a job, but that's another matter)
who can take on anybody given equal hardware on a LAN
hold my own (give or take a few manbeatings) on a laggy Internet.
Here's my problem. It wasn't so long ago that I was the lowly
wannabe fraggin' Jedi Masta Doomgod whose m4d 5k1lllz consisted of
doing a 180 degree turn in 20 minutes with the keyboard. My
biggest accomplishment in fact while playing Doom2 on the [ now
defunct :_p ] Dwango servers was switching to the mouse and keyboard
combo, which switched my frags to deaths ratio from -2 to 4000 to
about 10 to 100. In other words, I became more powerful than you can
possibly imagine more often than I want to think about! That was
until I asked one day if anyone on that Dwango server lived in
my hometown and I got a response from a Jedi Master we'll call
Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan was probably the second or third best deathmatcher
in a group of 20 to 25 that played on that server, a surpassingly
gifted force to be reckoned with. Since he was from my hometown
which we'll call Tatooine (George Lucas is going to hate me for this
:D) we didn't have to worry about long-distance bills and proceeded
to frag each other silly for the next several months.
ANYWAY to abbrev. this story a bit I
got MUCH better thanks to Obi-Wan's tutelage, equaled and on rare
occasions surpassed the master, but I remained the apprentice for
quite a while until he had to move away from
Circumstances forced him to move out into the far reaches of Dagobah
JUST as online Quake was taking off and as a result of that and
long-distance bills, he couldn't Quake at all and only DOOM while
played and his skillz suffered. My question is this: Should I
train him in the ways of the Force at the risk of damaging his pride
or should I hold off? My gut tells me to smack him around
until he starts smacking back and create a monster out of him, but I
thought I'd hear the wisdom of the wise and wonderful Queen Jedi
Mynx, Mistress (Not like THAT, dammit!) of Jedi
Once you've gotten over your shock of
finding a letter with ZERO references to male genitalia, I'd
be pleased to hear your opinion on this matter :D
there are two: a
Master and an Apprentice. (and they each have genitalia, but that's another
column...) and there will be a time when the master
becomes the apprentice. When you have consideration for his
pride, you then lose sight of your duty. Your duty is
to assist him in regaining his skill. You must apply the
smackdown. You must chase him and beat him and make him cry
like a girl. Make him sorry he ever moved away. And then prepare
for the day to come when he will have you whimpering in
a crumpled heap on the floor once again. Go. Use the force. Do, and
there is no try.
Just what IS in Lowtax's pants?
what are you doing fantasizing about Lowtax's milky mandingo??
If you had the barest inkling of what actually lives in Lowtax's
pants... You'd never have asked this frightening
I don't know about you, but
if I sent this puppy in, I wouldn't be sharing *my* name with the
world... and neither is this guy. It's short, it's... sweet...
It's... well, it's just gross. Read on.
"Lan parties make me
happy. If you've ever been to a LAN party, you know what I
mean - the game, the friends, the beer, the game, the friendly competition, the
game... and the one I attended recently was just as
fun as any. Of course, that was until I farted. Until I
realized, it wasn't just a fart. Until I realized, there was
a VERY foul smelling wet spot spreading on my pants and the
chair. Until I realized, I was 3 hours from home, with no
change of clothes. My friends call me ShitStain now.
They still tell the story every chance they get. Oh, cruel
rectum, why do you torture me?"