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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | Milky Mandingo
   

THIS WEEK: Cartoon love, a bald hot-dog and beans, geeks vs. "real men" and the women that love them, overcoming a fear of peeing in public, when the pupil becomes the master, the beast that lives in Lowtax's pants, and a really disgusting Embarrassment Spotlight. Boom chaka laka.

  What Luscious... Ink... You Have.
I have this thing with Anime chicks, I don't mean like Hentai and stuff, I mean like, Sailor Moon, or characters from recent RPGs (*cough* Luna from Lunar)... I can actually fall in love with these anime chicks from rpgs and
whatnot, All my friends tell me it's sick, perverted and weird, and I can't help but feel their right, but it's like... Odd. I even have a girlfriend and everything, but these anime chicks... I don't know what it is! I just don't know if this is a normal thing? A thing for cartoon women, or something? Or is it just a rare fetish that people have? It just feels so wrong to love some cartoon... I mean singers and actresses, at least they're *real*, these anime chicks aren't even real! *sigh*
 

          -Toontown

This screams "trouble with reality" to me.  I've known a few Anime-chick-obsessed guys in my day and quite honestly, hon, they're all a little fruity in the head.  A couple of them are deeply closeted, while another is just plain off his rocker.  While I say, hey, whatever blows your rack back... I just don't get how cartoons can do it for you.  What's with cold, hard, flat ink when you can have curvy, warm, soft women?

  Smooth As A Baby's, Er, Bottom
I recently heard from a friend that porn stars shave to make their schlongs look longer.  So hell, I tried it yesterday and it wasn't that bad.  And YES even looking at the ruler it looks a half inch longer : )

But my question is do women prefer a bald penis and sack?  

          -Epilady

There aren't many things that women, in general, prefer.  Hell, you can't get us to agree on anything, much less penile haircuts.  But me?  Hey, I don't care how it's dressed, so long as it shows up.  If you like it, by all means.  Shave it.  It's your sausage.

  Geeks vs. "Real Men"
I've got what you might call a problem.  My entire life I've been classified as a computer/electronics geek that sucks at most sports and is known for being a all around wise ass to anyone that gets in his way.  I've lusted over certain women before, but none was ever like this one.  This is the first woman that when I see her my voice cracks, I begin worrying about dumb things like my breath, is my shoe untied, etc. and just end up losing all the coolness everyone has known me for.  She is so perfect, she seems to know enough about computers, is smart, pretty, athletic and the whole bit.  I don't know if she likes me or not but she always seems to give me these glances while we are in the PC lab that make me honestly think that she likes me. But wait, she has currently (and extremely happily) been dating one of the most popular men in my school, who any woman would kill to go out with.  Now, what the hell would she want with a nerdish, smart tongued, piece of work like me when she could have him? I can not get my mind off her, ever since summer vacation has set in I often keep chat programs idling in hopes of seeing her pop online, and when I wake up she is the first thing I think about, as well as the last before I go to sleep.  I have a lot of mixed feelings and I don't know where to go from here, but one thing I know for sure is i can't get her off my mind. What the hell am I to do?  

          -Crushed Geek

Let me tell you, as a geek loving woman, that geeks hold a certain something that "manly men" never do.  She's probably stealing glances at you, appreciating your wit and intellect.  Well, you could have a butt hair stuck between your teeth or something, but probably, she just digs you.  There was a time once when I was dating one of those "popular guys".  He was tall, he was handsome, he played rugby, and so on.  Then I met this other guy.. a total and complete nerd.  He lived for Unix and Doom and you'd never hear him say "that touchdown was just OUTSTANDING!".  Smart geeks are cool.  Just waltz your little pocket protected ass over to her and say hi.  You'll be glad you did.

  Saving Private Pee Pee
Here's my problem: whenever I go to urinate, if there's other guys in the bathroom, I can't go! It's like all my waterworks lock up and nothing comes out. Even if I stand in a stall, and not a urinal, it still doesn't work. This is mighty hard for me, especially right after going to the movies with a date (oh geez, I had to pee so bad after Titanic that I thought my bladder had exploded, but I still couldn't go.) This is quite a predicament for me, since I want to join the Army in a few years and if I can't pee when I'm in a room with the rest of my troop (squad, group, whatever) I know I'll be in for some serious trouble. Please help! Is there any way to make myself more comfortable?  

          -Private Pee Pee

Oh, I can SO sympathize.  I am the world's worst public peer.  I just can't do it.  I've found that a quiet bathroom is much much worse than a crowded noisy one... unless it's so crowded that I feel pressure to hurry up and go, in which case I'd better just forget about going at all.  There was a time when a certain husband liked to stand outside the bathroom door and say "I can heeeeear yooou" just to make me freak.  In all honesty, the only way to get over it is to do just that - get over it.  I got over it when I had a kid.  When you have a toddler, you never go to the bathroom alone.  Since you probably don't want to run out and get yourself a toddler, try borrowing your best friend or your uncle Chester or whoever you trust.  Piddle with them standing right outside the bathroom door, where you know they can hear you.  Once you can do that, if they're willing, invite 'em into the potty room with you for a real dress rehearsal.  Make sure you've downed a whole lot of water, too.  Once you can pee in front of someone you trust (anyone will do), then try somewhere semi public, where you're familiar, like work or school.  Eventually, you'll be one of those guys who whips it out at the urinal and strikes up a conversation with the dude next to you without giving the vein drain a second thought.

  Use The Force, Marine
I've been playing DOOM and Quake and their sequels since the day they came out. I think of myself as an adept player (minus a job, but that's another matter) who can take on anybody given equal hardware on a LAN
and can hold my own (give or take a few manbeatings) on a laggy Internet. Here's my problem. It wasn't so long ago that I was the lowly wannabe fraggin' Jedi Masta Doomgod whose m4d 5k1lllz consisted of doing a 180 degree turn in 20 minutes with the keyboard.  My biggest accomplishment in fact while playing Doom2 on the [ now defunct :_p ] Dwango servers was switching to the mouse and keyboard combo, which switched my frags to deaths ratio from -2 to 4000 to about 10 to 100. In other words, I became more powerful than you can possibly imagine more often than I want to think about! That was until I asked one day if anyone on that Dwango server lived in my hometown and I got a response from a Jedi Master we'll call Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan was probably the second or third best deathmatcher in a group of 20 to 25 that played on that server, a surpassingly gifted force to be reckoned with. Since he was from my hometown which we'll call Tatooine (George Lucas is going to hate me for this :D) we didn't have to worry about long-distance bills and proceeded to frag each other silly for the next several months.

ANYWAY to abbrev. this story a bit I got MUCH better thanks to Obi-Wan's tutelage, equaled and on rare occasions surpassed the master, but I remained the apprentice for quite a while until he had to move away from
Tatooine. Circumstances forced him to move out into the far reaches of Dagobah JUST as online Quake was taking off and as a result of that and long-distance bills, he couldn't Quake at all and only DOOM while we
played and his skillz suffered. My question is this: Should I train him in the ways of the Force at the risk of damaging his pride or should I hold off?  My gut tells me to smack him around until he starts smacking back and create a monster out of him, but I thought I'd hear the wisdom of the wise and wonderful Queen Jedi Mynx, Mistress (Not like THAT, dammit!) of Jedi Masters...

Once you've gotten over your shock of finding a letter with ZERO references  to male genitalia, I'd be pleased to hear your opinion on this matter :D   

          -Darth Ominous

Always there are two: a Master and an Apprentice.  (and they each have genitalia, but that's another column...) and there will be a time when the master becomes the apprentice.  When you have consideration for his pride, you then lose sight of your duty.  Your duty is to assist him in regaining his skill.  You must apply the smackdown.  You must chase him and beat him and make him cry like a girl.  Make him sorry he ever moved away.  And then prepare for the day to come when he will have you whimpering in a crumpled heap on the floor once again.  Go.  Use the force.  Do, and there is no try.

  Lowtax's Yoo-Hoo!
Just what IS in Lowtax's pants?  

          -Curious

Ew what are you doing fantasizing about Lowtax's milky mandingo??  If you had the barest inkling of what actually lives in Lowtax's pants... You'd never have asked this frightening question. 

  Embarrassment Spotlight
I don't know about you, but if I sent this puppy in, I wouldn't be sharing *my* name with the world... and neither is this guy.  It's short, it's... sweet... It's... well, it's just gross.  Read on.

"Lan parties make me happy.  If you've ever been to a LAN party, you know what I mean - the game, the friends, the beer, the game, the friendly competition, the game... and the one I attended recently was just as fun as any.  Of course, that was until I farted.  Until I realized, it wasn't just a fart.  Until I realized, there was a VERY foul smelling wet spot spreading on my pants and the chair.  Until I realized, I was 3 hours from home, with no change of clothes.  My friends call me ShitStain now.  They still tell the story every chance they get.  Oh, cruel rectum, why do you torture me?"


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