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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | Holy Buttstubble, Batman!
   

THIS WEEK: Settling into a relationship, stinky femfarts, shaving a hairy hide, a straight man in a bellybutton ring and nailpolish, blah blah Paul Steed blah blah, and a pop-spoogey Embarrassment Spotlight.   It makes me glad I'm double-jointed, y'know?

  The Honeymoon Is Over
When I first meet my man, he was sweet.  He did things for me, most girls would call romantic.  Took me out for lunch, bought me flowers. wrote me a poem... but now three months have past, he isn't like that any more.  When ever we go at it, he's wild... and I don't necessarily like wild, though I do like passion.  Slow soft kisses.  I don't know how to tell him.  I tried showing it, but I don't think he got the hint.

One more thing: he used to tell me I was beautiful, now he doesn't.  

          -Peg

Welcome to the letdown.  There are certain types of people in this world that are wonderful when they are courting you - they live for the thrill of the hunt, so to speak.  Once they catch you, they suddenly decide that they have nothing to prove... they already "have" you.  So they don't try as hard to impress you, romance you, or flatter you.  This really sucks, in a great big hard throbbing way.  I think it was Willie Wonka who said "The suspense is terrible... I hope it'll last."  Life is exciting and wonderful and exhilirating while you are being chased.  Sometimes men need to be reminded that if you are to remain mutually exclusive, they had better learn how to keep us excited and interested.  "Showing" him may not work... especially if he's as clueless as I suspect he is.  You'll have to sit him down, look him in the eye, and tell him flat out... "I need you to be more attentive.  NEED.  I'll be happy to show you what I mean if you want me to", and then proceed to REALLY show him.  If this doesn't work, he is indeed dumb as a rock, and you should find yourself another special friend.

  She Got "Funk" In Her Trunk
I have a problem.  I recently became college roommates in a tiny dorm room with my best friend from high school.  How could I have been around someone all four years of high school and NEVER KNOWN she farts CONSTANTLY?  Now, in this tiny space, I am forced to inhale the most horrifying odors.  She doesn't even acknowledge that she bakes an air biscuit.. just lets them fly and goes about business.  UGH.  

          -Wilting

That's just disgusting.  At least my roommate had the courtesy to press her nonexistant ass up against the screen before letting one fly.  You have no recourse in a situation like this but to... well I would say return fire, but that would just make things worse, so ask her if she would mind warning you before she's going to test drive the old poop chute.  I'm not really a big fan of farting women in the first place, although I know "everyone does it" and all that... I just don't want to be forced to experience it firsthand.  Ask her to light a match or turn on a fan or something.  If it comes to it, go out and eat a nice big bulb of roasted garlic with a side of taco meat.  She'll be begging for mercy in no time.

  Stubble Trouble
I have a hairy butt. Is it normal for people with hairy butts to shave them?  And if so, how exactly would I do that?  

          -Bristly

Can you IMAGINE the sheer horror of sitting down once the stubble starts to grow?  Holy buttstubble, batman!  If you really must rip all the hair out of your ass, be a freakin man and wax that mop, would you?  Yeah, it's going to hurt.  Yeah, you're going to scream like a little girl staring bigfoot in the, er, face, but you'll be rewarded with a soft, supple and shiney smooth ass.  Pete Townsend would absolutely swoon to see you run by with that freshly waxed ass.  Go on.  You'll be much more aerodynamic with a bald booty.

  Bellybutton Rings, Men, Feeling Sexy
I'm feel im missing something in my life, I'm really twisted in my decisions and my mind at the moment, i'm not asking you to make my decision, but i would like some advice. I have been considering a belly button piercing. But, what I wanna know is, is it all right for a guy to have this done? I mean, will I be considered abnormal having this done, or even gay? I think it will be sexy on my body, I think it will make me feel more sexy. Is it ok for a straight guy to feel sexy? Also, is it like an piercing your ears, in the way it will heal back if you decide you don't like it and just leave the ring/stud( whichever ) out? oh yeah, any idea how much it will cost( i don't mind which currency conversion, but i'm sure UK prices can't be much different from US prices for this sorta thing )? any help for me is so much appreciated.  Also in your opinion, is nail polish ok on guys? it's apparently infashion, but im not sure. Thanx in advance again.  

          -I Feel Pretty

Well.  To be quite honest, the only men I've ever known with bellybutton rings were, to my knowledge, gay (not that there's anything wrong with that).  So I really have no frame of refrence but that to answer when you ask me if you will be considered "gay".  Personally if I were you, I'd do it anyway.  In fact I almost did pierce my bellybutton once - a guy by the name of biggles even offered to take me to have it done... until yossman reminded me that letting someone like biggles near my exposed abdomen with something sharp might not be the wisest idea.  I digress.  I say, stereotypes be damned!  Pierce your bellybutton, then wear tight little glittery Daisy Dukes and show it off.  As for the nail polish, I see guys wearing it all the time.  Just promise me this - if you are going to paint your nails, please, do it well.  Don't run around with stupid dark brown nailpolish that's all chipped and half peeled off.  That just looks like you've had your thumb up your butt.  Use black, or royal blue.  There are all manner of nifty colors and quick dry formulas on the market now that are guy-friendly.  Just remember not to pick your nose before the polish dries.

  Hand Maidens
Ok, they all say it ain't so, but maybe good old Mynx can set everyone straight.  Is it not true that there are just as many women "twiddling the diddler" as there are men?  I mean really now, a woman can get in a little masturbation time, and not leave a trace.  men are left with a big mess, and it's that much harder for 'em to get their satisfaction.  There's also the old "through the pants" trick, which I KNOW works, so that leaves no evidence at all.  They could be doing on the bus, anywhere, and no one would know the difference, as long as they keep fairly quiet about it. So, with all this in their favour, is it not true that women are the real kings, er queens, of masturbation?  

          -Fiddler

Twiddle we do.  The difference is, most women don't have the voracious appetite for self love that your average male does.  I mean, anytime there's an opportunity to wank, a guy will be right there furiously greasing the weasel.  Women know that they've got plenty of time for frisking the whiskers so they don't need to sit on the bus and wiggle on the seams of their jeans.  Sheesh.

  Paul Steed, Studmuffin
I can't stop playing Q3A.  That game totally blows my ass.  The more I play it, the more I dig the player, too.  It just really gives me a stiffy looking at that work - it's all good.  It's given me a push to worm my way into doing that sort of thing, but I'm afraid of the geek factor.  Is Steed really such a stud horse?  Does he really make you moan?  Can one actually combine geekhood with studliness efectively?  Help me!  

          -Geek on the inside

Paul?  Paul who?  Oh yes.  Yes yes yes.  He's one hell of a studmuffin.  In fact, he's such a chewy good hunk o man that already written up a hot and sweaty little tutorial called Tips on Breaking Into the Industry - if you think you've got the talent, if you think you've got the strut, read what Paul has to say.  If you think you've got Steed style, then by god this industry needs you.

  Embarrassment Spotlight
There's something about a good spooge story that always makes me happy.  I had to print this little gem; You gotta wonder if this guy's sister and her friends ever found out they had ingested his baby batter.  I liked this one a whole lot, hope you do too.  Thanks to wargazmo for sharing his spooge.

"One night I got home from work pretty late, around 11 o'clock. Being an extremely hot night I was kept up pretty late cause of a recent power outage and there was no a/c to cool me off. I got pretty bored and started jerking off. When I was finished and grabbed a pair of boxers and headed for the shower.

But, then I noticed there were people in the house besides me, in fact, my sister had unexpectedly turned up with two friends of hers. Unfortunately, I was noticed immediately and my sister, with one of her friends in tow, was headed right toward me. I quickly threw on a bathrobe over my soiled boxers, and rushed back out to meet them. My sister asked how I was doing and then introduced me to her friend, who thrust out her hand in greeting. Still euphoric from my previous activities and in a strange state of mind anyway grabbed her hand and thoroughly shook. Half a second into the handshake I remembered that I was shaking with my right hand which had not been ceremoniously wiped against the side of my boxers or robe yet.

However, my sister's friend didn't seem to notice at all or was too embarrassed to say anything and continued our hand shake. After that encounter, I jumped back in my room for a second to clean off my hand in case I need to greet the other friend, and when I returned to my sister's company I found them standing in the exact spot where I had left them, eating popcorn. The friend who I had shook hands with was taking the popcorn in her right hand and feeding it to my sister's other friend. At this point, the infamous hair gel scene from "There's Something About Mary" flashed through my head, and I broke out laughing.


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