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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | "Chodesmoker"
   

THIS WEEK: Roommate caught smelling smeared toilet paper (yoink), conquering your fear of spiders, playing hide the sausage with your Dad's co-worker, seeking an inhalable arouser, freakshow, and a spewing Embarrassment Spotlight. If I didn't have morning sickness already, you reknobs would make me spew.

  Dude, You Gotta Smell This!
Um, this last year I had a roommate who usually left the bathroom door cracked open when he was dumping his loads (which didn't bother me, the ventilation was good), but one time I accidentally looked in and I noticed him sniffing his poop on the paper! I was shocked, and confronted him about it. He sounded almost a little embarrassed but assured me that this was a common practice. I most assuredly did not think so! Please help! Is this a common practice? Am I abnormal because I refrain from inhaling?  

          -Nonsniffer

No.  No no no.  All I can say is... no.  Ergh.  I do not, nor have I ever known a person who admittedly removes the toilet paper (smeared paper!) from betwixt their legs, brings it up to their face, smells it, and then returns it to the potty.  I'm sorry, this is really frightening news.  What is this world coming to?  Obviously it is rare for a person to be repulsed by the regular bathroom odors when they sink a battleship, but to actively hold the offending doody up to your face and smell it... that's just wrong.  Yuck.  I think I may have to go yoink.

  Arachnophobia
I'm highly arachnophobic! I literally jump if I think I see a spider within a few metres of me, and if I *do* see one, I usually end up hurtling out of whatever room I'm in.  This may seem like an odd problem compared with most emails you probably receI've, but it's really annoying me - right now, there is a spider no more than half an inch lurking behind one of the cd piles on my desk, not far from my keyboard, and it's scaring the hell out of me. I can feel it's psychic emminisions being directed at me and I'm just waiting for it to show itself so I can lob a shoe at it or  something.

I need help. Is  there anything you can recommend to a long-time suffering fellow #quake'r?  

          -Spiderman

Get yourself a husband.  So what if you're male, this is what worked for me.  I agree with you and firmly believe that spiders, all spiders, are evil, rotten, nasty, buttlicking demons from hell.  I have a finely tuned Spidar, whenever a spider enters my living space I am immediately aware of it, and I scream until my husband arrives with his Shoe of Death(tm).  He smashes the offending little chodesmoker, carts it off in a tissue and just in case he didn't really kill it... flushes it down the toilet.  Then, I feel much better.  It may seem odd that a strong and willful chick like myself could be rattled by a hairy little creepy crawler.  If I saw Tim Willits wearing nothing but a spiked leather harness in a dark alley at midnight I could walk away without the slightest fright, but a spider does me in every time.  You don't need help.  You need a great big solid soled shoe.  Smash the rotten little bastards.

  Slurping Daddy's Co-Worker
I'm going to a polytechnic (a university for cheap lamers with no money. ie: me), and my Dad's a tutor there. He works with this uh, lovely woman (divorced), who I ended up playing Tekken 3 on the PSX against until something like 4 in the morning. We'd been sitting closer and closer together as the night went on, and the between-game conversations became rather dodgy. Right before I get out the door, we somehow ended up with our tongues down each others' throats, and somehow my fingers went missing during a bush walk.

Next day, she rings up, says she kicked her 12 year-old daughter out until tomorrow, giving us, well, a whole damn 8 hours to do the horizontal hoopla. I'm 17, so of course I'm up at her place. Now as soon as we're alone for 5 seconds we're at it, and I have no problem with this, except the age thing. 16's the legal age here (lucky me, eh?) so that's not it, but...

I'm 17, and she's 35.

Then there's the thing that two other people from polytech know about it and they keep giving me little "uh-huh, I know what you've been up to, nudge nudge, wink wink..." glances.

I'm not sure whether to keep this going (the sex is a lot better than with all them young vixens without the experience), or kinda cut it off to save us embarrassment. OK, save mostly *me* the embarrassment, I have to live with my parents.

So, should we quit doin' it, screw 'till one of us finds someone else, or just keep going, and going, and going, and going...????  

          -Boy Toy

If sixteen is the age of consent where you are, your parents have no off the bat legal recourse that they could take against this woman, but there are social actions that would surely make her unhappy.  I would imagine it's against The Rules to be hunchbacking with a student, she could quite probably lose her job.  As she's a single mother with a 12 year old to support, you might want to consider the repercussions of your actions on her livelihood, y'know?  Beyond that, and I gotta say it.. just what do you think a grown 35 year old woman sees in a 17 year old boy?  There is such a huge wealth of life experience between 17 and 35 that it makes me suspicious of her emotional stability.  If all of this comes out, it ain't gunna be you who suffers the bulk of the embarrassment, here.  Your parents will probably shit purple hairy twinkies, your dad will get her fired, your mom will cry, but that will probably be the extent of it.  Uncork yourself, and go home.  Find someone your own age.  Heck, in a year or two, you can date her daughter!

  Smell This, and Bend Over!
Hey Mynx, I got a question. Is there anything, that, when inhaled, causes females to become aroused? (I hope it's a yes). And another thing, does acting like a crackfeind attract women?    

          -Sniffer

Yep.  Diamonds.  Works every time.  Wave a carat, carat and a half under her nose, she'll be grabbing her ankles and screaming for a reacharound in about 4.3 seconds.  Some crackheads are attractive.  Most aren't.  I tend to like the jumpy, wild eyed psycho genius thing once in awhile, but nobody could take that all the time.  But back to the inhaling thing, I hear that you excrete certain pheromones that can cause arousal.  If you get your adreneline flowing... play quake, yank your mule, do something exciting... you'll excrete, and that can attract females.  Obviously you don't want to show up stinking like a sweaty jock strap, but some natural manliness is good.  Maybe you could just spend five minutes rubbing up against Paul Steed before picking up your date - you'll never even make it to your destination.  

  Freakshow  
Ok I'm only 12 and I play Quake2 an Half-Life and I love games, I even got my own site. The problem? Well I also love S-E-X. I go to password sites to get in and forget those over 18 things. Is something wrong with me? Am I sick or something? I mean I'm left alone for long enough to choke the one eyed dragon but I have a feeling this is going to ruin my adult years since I've already seen the 'basement' and the 'second floor' along with the 'back door menuver' and when I grow up I might not feel turned on by any of this any more. If you leave me alone for an hour ill have been to a dozen x-rated site and downloaded videos, pictures, you name the type of sex and I've seen it, even the illegal kind. I'm starting to wish I never had a computer. Heck I've even dabbled in war3z and hacking. I cant look at a woman without imagining how her breast would feel or what type of scream ahe would have. HELP!!!!         

          -l33t d00d

Lowtax, I told you to stop emailing me.  I'm gunna tell your mom. 

  Embarrassment Spotlight
I remember a kid doing this in the third grade!  The classroom reeked for a month.  Jeff Handel, if you're out there - we still haven't forgotten!  Hope you guys aren't eating while you read.  Thanks to EzKilla for sharing the spew.

"I don't know how it was at your high school, but at mine, every year in PhysEd we had something called the "Marine Test"... some recruiter would come in and get everyone psyched up to do a run, a buncha situps, pushups, pullups, all that crap. Being an OEM geek myself, I wasn't expecting to do very well at any of these tests, especially the run.  But once that guy started talking and ranting and raving, man I was all set to run until I dropped.  And I did.  I ran harder and longer that I ever had in my life. 

When I was done (with absolutely no recollection of how well I did.. or didn't do), I felt overheated and a little ill, and actually just layed on the cool pavement outside for awhile.  I finally got showered up and to the next class, late, and sat quietly, trying to recuperate... when I felt it starting to happen.  I was gonna be ill.  I wasn't getting the "eww, here's a little bile for working me so hard" message from my body, I was getting the "All hands to battlestations, I'm gonna puke!" message.  Having been reamed for being late to class, however, I wasn't about to make a scene and try to leave early.  That was a Bad Call(tm).

First I tried swallowing a lot.  Then I tried clamping my teeth together really, really hard.  That worked for about three seconds and two heaves.  Then I tried covering my mouth with my hand.  Got an extra second, and prevented one more heave via that method.  And then...  Let me just say that once one's body has decided that it needs to violently eject something, via whatever orifice, there's really not all that much one can do to prevent said ejection.  At any rate...

Remeber the scene from The Exorcist?  You got it... projectile vomiting the likes of which Linda Blair never dreamed of.  The force pushing my breakfast out my mouth was greater than any I would experience until I discovered keg stands - but that's another story. The only (?!) problem was, my hand was still over my mouth... So instead of your typical horizontal, straight forward technicolor yawn, I managed to do major splash damage to people on both sides of me, some of which were up to 15 feet away.  And the smell... oh man.  I did manage to nail one of the real jerks in the class, so that was a bonus - he went home to change and came back wearing a t-shirt with a bullseye on it - I never did find out if that was an intentional selection on his part, or merely barf-irony."


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