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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | Do You Swallow?
   

This Week:   Nerd stiffies, worrying about clansechs, cool penises and the women who love everything about them, loving a bisexual chick, worrying about an underdeveloped penis, and Ravensoft's Jake Simpson shares his Embarrassment Spotlight... Open up and say aaaaaaah!

  Nerd Stiffies
Mynx, I am the standard sensitive nerd type.  I've been a giving person all my life, because I know no other way... if someone needs something, I'll do it and pre-empt my other duties to fulfill another's needs.  Recently, I've been playing Need for Speed 4, and have just for fun knocking the computer opponents off the road... which is fun, but every time I do I get an uncontrollable erection!  I masturbate regularly, and I shouldn't HAVE an erection at those points... but I do.  Is this sadistic tendency a portrayal of what will come when I am married and have children??  This is really bothering me that I am sexually intrigued by the harming of another.  

          -Sadist

Calm down dear.  As you are already aware, you have a penis.  This makes you a boy.  Every boy I've ever known gets stiffies over non-sexual excitements.  A dude I know has a 5 year old who gets a baby stiffy over mack trucks.  I knew a guy in high school who got blazing wood when faced with a particularly amazing guitar solo.  You find what you're doing in game to be exciting, exhilarating and thrilling... schwing!  You needn't fear for your or your future children's safety - it's only an erection.  Say it with me now:  "It's only an erection.  It's only an erection."  Feel better?  I do.

  Clansechs
I'm in a Jailbreak clan, Recently on our clans bulletin there has been talk of the clan getting together to meet.  This morning, it was brought to my  attention that two of the clans LPB's (we've been cursed to mot find many lpb's who want to jon us) decided to call each other on the phone. Ok, i know, this may not seem odd BUT, as two of our Lpb's one a guy, well call him Nailz(to hide his real nick) and the girl(and only girl in our clan) we'll call her Mad_lady(also to hide her real name),  they seem to have hit it off over the phone and talked for 5 hours over the phone. Now, here's where it gets better, it was a long distance for 5 hours, from Ohio to Florida. Needless to say i was relieved to find out that the initiator of the call had dialed 10-10-321, THANK GOD!  Ok so this is where the predicament comes in. what if they get too close, or it gets outta hand?

Like what if during a clan match they hide under a staircase and make out instead of kill people and free me from jail?  But alas this isn't my only concern, what if they get in a fight and both quit the clan cause they don't want to be associated with it or the other part anymore?   On top of that, recently we decided to give CTF a shot. These two are the co-leaders of the Ctf side of the clan, so that makes me wonder what will happen if they get together and break up?
 

          -Clanman

This can only end badly.  That is, if their relationship does.  Very few people, despite what they say at the outset, will truly remain friends after an unhappy parting.  If your Lady LPB finds out that her man has been stuffing a goat on the side, she's not gunna want to hang around and play games with him present.  She'll want to be the hell away from him, and fast. Inevitably, someone always gets the friends in the "divorce".

That said, there's not a whole hell of a lot you can do, honestly.  If these two really dig each other, asking them to call it quits will quite probably only lead to them leaving your clan to be together, so you're no better off than if you ride it through and wait for the fallout.  You should express your concerns to these clanfolk, but be prepared for them to ignore your feelings entirely.  Your vote doesn't count in what happens with their relationship.  Best you can do is hope they get on really well and use the newfound positive outlook to the clan's advantage.  Otherwise, start pimping for new LPBs.

  Penises are Cool
 Hey mynx.  I know how you always say "be proud of your penis" blah blah.  But, I want to be like everyone else!  I recently joined football, and we all take showers in locker room.  Every player on the team is circumcised, but I'm not!  I'm sure I would get teased from everyone if they found out and the ladies was be disgusted.  I want a circumcision, but don't know how to get one?  I was even planning on cutting it off with a scissors.  Any help you could give me would be great.  Thanks...   

          -Turtleneck

Don't you DARE!!  There's nothing better than an intact penis.  (readers take note: don't email me with how great circumcision is.  I don't care.)  You may recall that I have a 2 year old son - we chose not to have him snipped, despite family tradition.  Your generation is pretty much the last one to have had routine circumcisions - the circ rate in America is declining very sharply - in fact, America is the only country in the world that practices routine circumcision.  In Canada, the UK, etc it is considered wildly ridiculous and harmful.  You should thank your parents for keeping you intact.  Thanks to them you will have more sexual sensation, and the appreciation of every woman you eventually invade.

Ladies won't be disgusted.  If they are nervous about it, it is only because we as a species are unsure of what we don't know.  Show them that this is the way penises are *supposed* to be.  Let them know that you shower and keep your penis clean, that it's not smelly or cheesy with smegma.  And you can always throw this argument at them: smegma is the same thing as the discharge from their vaginas.  It is the natural cleansing substance for the genitals and if they don't fear theirs, they shouldn't fear yours. :)  Besides, if you're going to be in a sexual relationship, you want someone who wants *you*, ding dong and all.  Oh, and I'm told women have easier orgasms with intact men!  How's that for incentive?

So yes, you're right, I'm telling you to be proud of your penis.  Wave that sucker around proudly in the locker room!  And if anyone makes fun of it, make fun of them for staring at your dick :) 

  Rockabi Baby
I love my girlfriend, but she is bi.  I'm afraid that I'm going to lose her to a chick who she keeps talking about, I'm having dreams about this and I'm not sure what to say or do. I love her very much.  So much, but all she tells me is how she loves her friends and that, I feel kinda unwanted.  I'm becoming a very depressed individual.  Please tell me what approach I should take.    

          -3wheeler

Bisexual women are nothing to fear.  How can you worry about a girl that likes to get on other chicks?  Count your blessings!  Um, besides that, it sounds to me less like she's going to leave you for some chick she's talking about, but more like she's trying to encourage YOU to leave HER.  If all she talks about is other people that she's into, and how she loves her friends but not you, something is certainly off.  It is possible that she is just insecure and saying these things to try and get some extra attention from you, but to me it just sounds shady.  Come right out and ask her if she's unhappy with you, give her the reasons why you feel this way, and use this opportunity to have an honest talk.  True, you might end up without her - but do you really want to be tangled up with some broad who doesn't like you?  I wouldn't - well, not in the long term, anyway.

  The Root Grows More Slowly Than the Tree
I have a problem. You see, I'm a 14 year old, average height, you know, everything's fine there... It just seems that my body isn't maturing. My "Little Buddy" hasn't really grown at all and my voice doesn't seem to be changing. Otherwise, everything is great. This is really starting to bother me, Mynx, I need your help, PLEASE!!!  

          -Shortstack

You are only 14 years old, grasshopper!  For peepee's sake, you've got YEARS left of growing to do - and so does your turnip!  Put away the measuring stick, stop counting your pubic hairs and relish these last few months while you can still sing with the boys' choir - soon your nads will be swinging and you'll have a voice like Barry White.  Let good old Mother Nature take her time and do her thing.  She will, she will.  Trust me.  If you're still a squeaky stub at around 17 or so... then get back to me.

  Embarrassment Spotlight
This week's embarrassing moment "comes" to us from the Lead Programmer over at Raven Software, one Jake Simpson.  I'm sure by now you all know how greatly I enjoy a good oral sex story.  Oh, and for the record, it's really "not bad".  Swallow this one whole, kids, it's a keeper:

So I used to be friends with one of the Chicago area's most 'nasty' radio DJs, who shall remain nameless. Anyway, one Sunday night we were out boozing, and since this guy was a real hootchie magnet I thought I'd ask him a question that has been bothering me a while. Did he ever meet women that at the end of 'the head bobbing service that women can provide" actually ingested the fruits of her labors, since I never had? "Oh yes" says he, "many times." I nod in amazement, and that was that.  So the next day, on his radio show, the phone in topic of the day was "Ladies, what does it taste like?". I knew that this was all from the conversation that we'd had the night before, and some of the answers were very strange. Everything from Egg White and Mashed up mushrooms, to battery acid (!). I laughed about it since I knew why this conversation had cropped up, and when I got home from work that night, I told the wife all about the conversation and the phone in poll that morning. She was curious and asked what the women had described it as, so I told her. When I got to the battery
acid she chimes in with "Oh, it doesn't taste like battery acid".  At this point I look at her and say "How do you know? You've never done that for me..."

At least she had the decency to look embarressed. 

Anyway, as luck would have it, my DJ friends PC broke the next day, and I was called to go fix it. While I was there, I told him about the conversation I'd had with my wife the night before, and he rolled about laughing, thinking it was the funniest thing. Well, it didn't seem that way to me, but there you are.

The next morning, the phone rings, and its my friend, on the air to the entire Chicago area, telling the world this story I had told him, - using my real name as well - and asking to speak to my wife. She, at the time, was a catholic school teacher, and stories like this aren't that good publicity, so she was reluctant to talk to him at all. But he pleaded and cajoled, and eventually she did. He remonstrated her about doing it for others before me, but not for me, her chosen life companion. Eventually she agreed to do the deed, if nothing else than just to get him to shut up. He promised to call back in a couple of days to find out the results.

As if that wasn't embarressing enough, since my friends knew that I knew this guy, and would undoubtly be listening, the moment we put the phone down, it rang again.
I pick it up, and its my sister in law, heard every word. At that moment I wished the ground would just swallow me up. 

She said that she was going to call my mother in law so she could have listened, but she was laughing too hard. Thank god.  


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