This Week: Nerd stiffies, worrying about clansechs,
cool penises and the women who love everything about them, loving
a bisexual chick, worrying about an underdeveloped penis, and
Ravensoft's Jake Simpson shares his Embarrassment Spotlight...
Open up and say aaaaaaah!
Mynx, I am the standard sensitive nerd
type. I've been a giving person all my life, because I know
no other way... if someone needs something, I'll do it and pre-empt
my other duties to fulfill another's needs. Recently, I've
been playing Need for Speed 4, and have just for fun knocking
the computer opponents off the road... which is fun, but every
time I do I get an uncontrollable erection! I masturbate
regularly, and I shouldn't HAVE an erection at those points...
but I do. Is this sadistic tendency a portrayal of what
will come when I am married and have children?? This is
really bothering me that I am sexually intrigued by the harming
Calm down dear. As you
are already aware, you have a penis. This makes you a boy. Every
boy I've ever known gets stiffies over non-sexual excitements.
A dude I know has a 5 year old who gets a baby stiffy
over mack trucks. I knew a guy in high school who got
blazing wood when faced with a particularly amazing
guitar solo. You find what you're doing in game to
be exciting, exhilarating and thrilling... schwing! You
needn't fear for your or your future children's safety
- it's only an erection. Say it with me now:
"It's only an erection. It's only an erection." Feel
better? I do.
This can only end badly. That is, if their relationship
does. Very few people, despite what they say at the outset,
will truly remain friends after an unhappy parting. If your
Lady LPB finds out that her man has been stuffing a goat on the
side, she's not gunna want to hang around and play games
with him present. She'll want to be the hell away from him,
and fast. Inevitably, someone always gets the friends in
I'm in a Jailbreak clan, Recently on our clans bulletin there
has been talk of the clan getting together to meet. This
morning, it was brought to my attention that two of the
clans LPB's (we've been cursed to mot find many lpb's who
want to jon us) decided to call each other on the phone. Ok, i
know, this may not seem odd BUT, as two of our Lpb's one a guy,
well call him Nailz(to hide his real nick) and the girl(and only
girl in our clan) we'll call her Mad_lady(also to hide her real
name), they seem to have hit it off over the phone and talked
for 5 hours over the phone. Now, here's where it gets better,
it was a long distance for 5 hours, from Ohio to Florida. Needless
to say i was relieved to find out that the initiator of the call
had dialed 10-10-321, THANK GOD! Ok so this is where the
predicament comes in. what if they get too close, or it gets outta
Like what if during a clan match they hide under a staircase and
make out instead of kill people and free me from jail? But
alas this isn't my only concern, what if they get in a fight and
both quit the clan cause they don't want to be associated with
it or the other part anymore? On top of that, recently
we decided to give CTF a shot. These two are the co-leaders of
the Ctf side of the clan, so that makes me wonder what will happen
if they get together and break up?
That said, there's not a whole hell of a lot you can do, honestly.
If these two really dig each other, asking them to call it quits will
quite probably only lead to them leaving your clan to be together,
so you're no better off than if you ride it through and wait
for the fallout. You should express your concerns to these
clanfolk, but be prepared for them to ignore your feelings entirely. Your vote
doesn't count in what happens with their relationship. Best
you can do is hope they get on really well and use the newfound
positive outlook to the clan's advantage. Otherwise,
start pimping for new LPBs.
Penises are Cool
Hey mynx. I know
how you always say "be proud of your penis" blah blah. But,
I want to be like everyone else! I recently joined football,
and we all take showers in locker room. Every player on
the team is circumcised, but I'm not! I'm sure I would get
teased from everyone if they found out and the ladies was be disgusted.
I want a circumcision, but don't know how to get one? I
was even planning on cutting it off with a scissors. Any
help you could give me would be great. Thanks...
Don't you DARE!! There's nothing
better than an intact penis. (readers take note: don't email
me with how great circumcision is. I don't care.)
You may recall that I have a 2 year old son - we chose not to
have him snipped, despite family tradition. Your generation
is pretty much the last one to have had routine circumcisions
- the circ rate in America is declining very sharply - in fact,
America is the only country in the world that practices routine
circumcision. In Canada, the UK, etc it is considered wildly
ridiculous and harmful. You should thank your parents for
keeping you intact. Thanks to them you will have more sexual
sensation, and the appreciation of every woman you eventually
Ladies won't be disgusted. If they are nervous about it,
it is only because we as a species are unsure of what we don't
know. Show them that this is the way penises are *supposed*
to be. Let them know that you shower and keep your penis
clean, that it's not smelly or cheesy with smegma. And you
can always throw this argument at them: smegma is the same thing
as the discharge from their vaginas. It is the natural cleansing
substance for the genitals and if they don't fear theirs, they
shouldn't fear yours. :) Besides, if you're going to be
in a sexual relationship, you want someone who wants *you*, ding
dong and all. Oh, and I'm told women have easier orgasms
with intact men! How's that for incentive?
So yes, you're right, I'm telling
you to be proud of your penis. Wave that sucker around proudly
in the locker room! And if anyone makes fun of it, make
fun of them for staring at your dick :)
I love my girlfriend, but she is bi. I'm afraid
that I'm going to lose her to a chick who she keeps talking about,
I'm having dreams about this and I'm not sure what to say or do.
I love her very much. So much, but all she tells me is how
she loves her friends and that, I feel kinda unwanted. I'm
becoming a very depressed individual. Please tell me what
approach I should take.
Bisexual women are nothing to fear.
How can you worry about a girl that likes to get on other
chicks? Count your blessings! Um, besides that, it
sounds to me less like she's going to leave you for some chick
she's talking about, but more like she's trying to encourage
YOU to leave HER. If all she talks about is other people
that she's into, and how she loves her friends but not you, something
is certainly off. It is possible that she is just
insecure and saying these things to try and get some extra
attention from you, but to me it just sounds shady.
Come right out and ask her if she's unhappy with you, give
her the reasons why you feel this way, and use this
opportunity to have an honest talk. True, you might end
up without her - but do you really want to be tangled up
with some broad who doesn't like you? I wouldn't
- well, not in the long term, anyway.
The Root Grows More Slowly Than the Tree
I have a problem. You see, I'm a 14 year old,
average height, you know, everything's fine there... It just seems
that my body isn't maturing. My "Little Buddy" hasn't really grown
at all and my voice doesn't seem to be changing. Otherwise, everything
is great. This is really starting to bother me, Mynx, I need your
You are only 14 years old,
grasshopper! For peepee's sake, you've got YEARS left of
growing to do - and so does your turnip! Put away the measuring
stick, stop counting your pubic hairs and relish these last few
months while you can still sing with the boys' choir - soon your
nads will be swinging and you'll have a voice like Barry White.
Let good old Mother Nature take her time and do her thing.
She will, she will. Trust me. If you're still a squeaky
stub at around 17 or so... then get back to me.
This week's embarrassing moment "comes" to us
from the Lead Programmer over at Raven Software, one Jake Simpson.
I'm sure by now you all know how greatly I enjoy a good oral
sex story. Oh, and for the record, it's really "not bad".
Swallow this one whole, kids, it's a keeper:
So I used to be friends with one of the Chicago area's most
'nasty' radio DJs, who shall remain nameless. Anyway, one Sunday
night we were out boozing, and since this guy was a real hootchie
magnet I thought I'd ask him a question that has been bothering
me a while. Did he ever meet women that at the end of 'the head
bobbing service that women can provide" actually ingested the
fruits of her labors, since I never had? "Oh yes" says he, "many
times." I nod in amazement, and that was that. So the next
day, on his radio show, the phone in topic of the day was "Ladies,
what does it taste like?". I knew that this was all from the conversation
that we'd had the night before, and some of the answers were very
strange. Everything from Egg White and Mashed up mushrooms, to
battery acid (!). I laughed about it since I knew why this conversation
had cropped up, and when I got home from work that night, I told
the wife all about the conversation and the phone in poll that
morning. She was curious and asked what the women had described
it as, so I told her. When I got to the battery
acid she chimes in with "Oh, it doesn't taste like battery acid".
At this point I look at her and say "How do you know? You've never
done that for me..."
At least she had the decency to look embarressed.
Anyway, as luck would have it, my DJ friends PC broke the next
day, and I was called to go fix it. While I was there, I told
him about the conversation I'd had with my wife the night before,
and he rolled about laughing, thinking it was the funniest thing.
Well, it didn't seem that way to me, but there you are.
The next morning, the phone rings, and its my friend, on the air
to the entire Chicago area, telling the world this story I had
told him, - using my real name as well - and asking to speak to
my wife. She, at the time, was a catholic school teacher, and
stories like this aren't that good publicity, so she was reluctant
to talk to him at all. But he pleaded and cajoled, and eventually
she did. He remonstrated her about doing it for others before
me, but not for me, her chosen life companion. Eventually she
agreed to do the deed, if nothing else than just to get him to
shut up. He promised to call back in a couple of days to find
out the results.
As if that wasn't embarressing enough, since my friends knew that
I knew this guy, and would undoubtly be listening, the moment
we put the phone down, it rang again.
I pick it up, and its my sister in law, heard every word. At that
moment I wished the ground would just swallow me up.
She said that she was going to call my mother in law so she could
have listened, but she was laughing too hard. Thank god.