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Dear
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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | An All Penis Issue!
   

This Week: YES!! It's the all penis issue! Penis, penis, penis, dicks everywhere! Woo hoo and yoo hoo and ho ho ho! Dicks, they are indeed.

Too Close For Comfort
I am way into Quake, and yes I spend my life online, but recently I've found myself getting into some kinky stuff with these other guys, online. One of them wants to meet me and now I'm concerned. What if suddenly when faced with a big hairy man, I find that men are all I like. Also, are guys really rough? Like, would he hurt my penis or possibly my testicles? I don't want to be constantly fearing that I'm going to be in serious pain because of a too rough dude.

-Wino

Erm... you're a guy, right? And since you're a guy, logic would follow that you have a penis, and have had one all your life, thus, you know how to handle it properly. Same for the man you are preparing to yank. It's not like with penis-insensitive chicks who turn any encounter with a gobstopper into one giant penis stress test opportunity. *Yank* "Does that hurt?" *Bend* "Does it hurt if I do that?" No. Men know better. Your sweet little peter is in good hands.

Erectile Dysfunction Among Quake Geeks!
I have a very big problem, I cant, repeat cant get my big captain to set sail! Even looking at my situation with pity, I just cant slip the dog in to any bun there is. I had an encounter with an Albanian Model! She wanted to pick me up and get FrEAky!!!! But Mr. Stiffles could say nothing about this. I had not had any actual sexual encounter before, except with......nevermind...NE wAy! When she was going to pick me up in her Camero and we were going to ride the ship of love while she swallowed the contents....but when she was on her way over, I left my house and hid in the backyard. When I tried to wank my peter pecker, I was unsuccessful in self spooging, I tried for a while, but no can do with you know who!!!! Help me Mynx, I really need to know what to do!

-dEviLsEyE

Um. TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF YOUR PENIS. Yes, that's right. You can't force your penis to do something it doesn't want to do. Lay off with the pressure already. If you're not ready to go around jabbing Albanian models, that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that... but you don't need to hide in the backyard cheesefarming your milk maker. Give yourself a little more time for chicks and yoke yanking and stuff. One day you'll wake up with a blazing erection and you can give it a shot then. Until that glorious day, just shake hands with your wookie when you have to tinkle and when you have to shower. Let it come to you, so to speak.

Stinky Schmekkie Aftermath
Ok so one day I was just sittin in my room, and I just got an urge. Started warming the burrito. You know, doppling the dangling doodleknocker. Smackin the schmekkie. Bashin' the Bishop. Juicing the Jadestock. BANGING THE BLOODBONE FOR GODS SAKES!! oh. sorry... Anyway, after I was done I noticed a smell. Not the spooge smell, but yes. The other smell. The Scrotal Odor shall we say. This was in the morning before I'd showered so I went to take a shower, and after I was done [and washed myself down there], I noticed the smell hadn't gone! Hmm... I wondered if this is part of what attracts women to the penis, since hey, sex IS such a sensual thing [sensual = related to senses, e.g. smell]. In other words, Do Chicks Dig the Dick Stink? Cause I know a lot of guys just love the female equivalent.

-sickman

Not in "fry your nose hair" dosage. Sure, a little eau de penis is a nice thing to have in the right situation, but just like the charming aroma of chickholio you don't want to be blasted with it while you're sitting down to a plate of ravioli or something. If you've got your face in close proximity to schmekkie, a little bit of man is an okay thing to smell. Now, I'm not talking like stinky butthole or lack of showering man smell, mind you, but a light and refreshing penising is quite all right.

Quake, Dogs, and Sex...
First off let me say Quake 3 Arena rocks! I play it all the time and sometimes when I first get up in the morning, I just sit down and play before getting dressed. This morning I was playing in boxers with a big hole on the front and while I was in the middle of a very heated combat my dog snuck up and licked my penis!! He didn't do it for very long, only maybe 30secs or so, but still.. anyways my problem is that I played better today than I ever have b4 and I'm wondering if you think it would be wrong for me to let my dog lick my you know what before I play each time, for luck?

-SpEcTrE

Well. 30 seconds is an awfully long time to be doing something with your penis that you don't enjoy. If you had your wookie caught in a vice you'd remove it as quickly as possible, instead of waiting 30 seconds to see if you liked it. Chances are it was purely a coincidence that you let your dog perform oral sex on you and then played a great Quake game. I would recommend you lay off the canine boogie, because, well... dude, that's just bad juju. Besides... haven't you seen how sharp those teeth are?!

Do You Have A Small Penis? He Does Too.
I have a very small penis. Yea, so? I see all these letters in your column from guys all worried because they have small pokers. SO WHAT? It's just a penis for petes sake! Get over it, go play Quake!

- Coolio

Just keep telling yourself that.

Embarrassment Spotlight
As is the tradition here at Dear Mynx, new PQ Content Directors are forced to submit their most embarrassing moments for the world to read. A rite of passage, if you will. Our way cool funkenbooty chick Caryn "Hellchick" Law shares the tale of her naked husband, and her father. Read on, chilluns.

"This past May my entire family flew to Wyoming to see me graduate from college. Because of our small apartment, everyone got hotel rooms. On every morning, we would all meet at a particular restaurant for breakfast and coordinate our activities for the rest of the day.

One morning while my husband was showering, my dad - a very lowkey former hippie - showed up at the door to say that they were all headed down to the restaurant. My husband had just stepped out of the shower and heard me talking. He didn't hear the door, so he assumed I was talking to him. Not knowing my dad was there, he opened the door and walked out in full glory of the bathroom, completely naked. When he saw my dad, he laughed and hid inneffectively behind the doorjamb while I buried my face in my hands. My dad, totally unfazed, said, "Nice to see you, too, Len."

That morning at the restaurant, my husband sat next to my dad. When he noticed that my dad hadn't eaten the sausages on his plate, he pointed it out to him. My dad replied with, "I'm kind of put off by sausages this morning."


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