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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | People are freaks
   

This Week: How do you like your penis served?  Why do net.geeks in love act the freakass way that they do?  What would happen if the Real World found out about Mynx, why do chicks suck, and a crackhead loves me.  Doesn't it just give you the warm fuzzies?  Merry Christmas, boys and girls.  Hope you get your stockings stuffed.

Thick or Thin, Short or Long?
OK, I just finished reading the all penis issue of Dear Mynx, and I have to
say it inspired me to write this letter, specifically the guy who mentioned
his small penis.  Well, that got me thinking.  What is more important to a
woman, length or girth (width)?  I ask because I do not have a John Holmes length penis, hell, its a little short of average, but I do have much girth.  I guess what I want to know is what is better, a 10 incher that is say 4 inches around, or a 5 incher that is 7 inches around?.

-Pork Chop

Personally?  I'll take both long AND thick, please.  The best of both worlds, so to speak.  But if given the horrible situation of having to choose, I would chose thickness every time, hands, uh, down.  You can have a fourteen foot long winky for all I care but if it's the width of a pencil it's not going to do anybody any good.  So be happy with your little stump there.  Oh, and if you've got a penis 7 inches around, email me your home address.  I know a few gals (and one guy with a goat) who will be right over.

  Net.Love: Nerds on the Prowl
Okay so we all know that Quake is the best game series of all time, and people sometimes bring the game into their lifestyles, e.g., quake-related license plates, hairdos, etc. That's all fine and cool. I heard about some weird stuff, though, which got me a little curious. I heard that some people are SUCH net-geeks and quake-geeks, that they will actually go so far as to get MARRIED via Quake. I'm not exactly sure what that would mean... I'm assuming that they have some sort of online relationship [I dunno, maybe cybersexual or something] while enacting the notion of their online quake Players being in wedlock, but I don't know...

I'm just curious as to what in hell these people are thinking, if this is actually true, and to what extent, if any, these things occur. Could you enlighten, dear Mynx, a miffed Quaker?

-Miffer

Um.  You're new here, aren'tcha?  You're talking to someone who met her husband in a game of Quake, and even briefly considered the notion of an online wedding (the latter idea was scrapped).  But, I can't tell you what in the hell these people are thinking.  Love does wackass things to people.  Those that are ordinarily sane and levelheaded individuals suddenly become these manic love freaks who will stop at nothing to prove to the world JUST how much they love their little snookie wookie bunny poo.  In the early days of love (way back in the day of Quake shareware) Mental4 and I could oft be found running together on servers, both clad in Peach (god, looking back it all sounds so gay).  But, like I said, love makes you a moron.  So just chalk it up to idiocy.  They'll get over it.

 Mynx, International Woman of Mystery
I always have a good laugh when reading your column. But, almost everytime I can not stop thinking about perhaps the media or press discovering the column. I just find it "odd". How would these people understand that Billy Bob can't get it up, etc. Or about their dog licking it and actually thinking it would help him play better? Keep up the good work.

-Scoop

Aiiiiiiiiieeeee!  No.  No no no.  I am quite secure in my little Quake community bubble.  The thought of the outside world discovering how horribly disfunctional I/we are is enough to send me into the fetal position under my desk.  Holy birdshit, batman... can you imagine the field day the media would have with this?  I can hear Bryant Gumbel's butthole puckering in anticipation from a mile away.  "LOOK!! SEE?!  We told you PC games turn people into child molesting goat loving homosexual monsters!  This is PROOF!"

Um.  Maybe I'd better start screening my calls.

  So How Come Chicks Suck?
I have a problem.  I'm not gay, but lately I've found that most women
repulse me.  Not because of their appearance or smell, but their
bitchiness really gets to me - they kind of expect me to go out of my way
and start talking to them, but I really couldn't give a fuck.  I try to be
nice, but the majority of women around town kind of have this
attitude that says "I am the shit", and expect me to treat them that way.
I'm in no mood for games, but they insist on playing them.  Is there a
more socially acceptable reaction to this than to confront them and say
"quit staring at me, you stupid bitch?  I don't even know you, so please,
look the other way." Maybe I've been playing too much Quake - where the
accepted thing to do upon first meeting someone is to frag them into itty
bitty pieces.

And yes, I'm *sure* I'm not gay. 

-Bitchless

Well, as long as you're SURE you're not gay!  I should say that it sounds a bit harsh for you to react so strongly to a girl checking you out.  I've stared at many a pretty boy (and girl) in my day, if only to appreciate the view.  Maybe they think you're a babe.  Maybe you have a booger stuck to your chin.  Who knows.  But just because they're window shopping doesn't mean you are obligated to go close the deal.  Staring is kind of an "I'm interested, if you want to come take the chance" invitation.  Anyway.  I hear you about the bitchiness thing.  Part of the reason the majority of my friends are and always have been male is because I can't stand the girl-ness of most chicks.  It drives me nuts.  Don't judge us all on the basis of a few hosebeasts, though.  You're only really noticing the ones that piss you off - try paying attention to the girls minding their own business sometime, and maybe you'll find yourself some pretty keen girly pals.

  We All Love Mynx, We're All Insane
I think I love you.  Don't laugh, I do!  Everything you print in Dear Mynx just speaks to me, as if you are writing just to me.  I play Q3A just so I can feel like I'm interacting with you.  Please, Mynx, I have to know, is there a way that we can talk?  Maybe on undernet or ICQ?  Do you have an ICQ number?  Can we be friends or something?

-  Servant

Well, no.  I appreciate the love and all, but you don't know me, thus, you love me not.  Sure, you can appreciate my big round booty, you can have dirty dreams about my hot sweaty bot, but don't try to get me to help you along in your obsession.  Mynx don't play dat.  Merely printing this message and taking the time to answer it is probably going to give you a big shiny stiffy.  Down, boy.  You can hold this close to your testes and know that I know you exist.  But don't make me talk to you.

Embarrassment Spotlight
It's Christmas time!  I'm feeling all jinglebelly and shit so I'm going to spare a poor soul and resume next week, when we can all start preparing for the world to end.  Merry Christmas! 


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