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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | Mommy's pantyhose.
   

Got problems with your girlfriend because she can't take your constant Quake playing? Are you finding yourself just a little too attracted to the game models? Then talk to Mynx and she'll sort it all out for you!

This Week:  Girlie girls who talk smack about caq, festering, oozing butt acne (anyone hungry?), learning how to kiss, Mynx style, and a request to smell and sleep in Mynx's unwashed bedthings.  Sometimes you pokers really freak me out.  Oh, and check out the new Geek of the Week - this one defies gravity.


   Girls Are Dumb
There are three girls that I know well enough to discuss penises with, all of them 15 or 16, and all three always say something like "Penises are nasty", "I'm soo not ready for penises", or "Funtion = good, look = bad".  What the hell is up with this?  I have no damn problem with pussies, and I don't see why any girl should have a problem with my knob.  Even more confusing, these girls have given blowjobs, handjobs, etc.  Furthermore, if not purple helmeted yogurt slingers, what do girls think about when they do maintenance on the tuna boat?  I know you don't have a problem with knobs, so what the hell is up with these girls?

-Meatloaf

Well, most, say, 7-10 year olds go through the "eew, boys are ICKY!" phase.  It is my hope that they will grow OUT of this before venturing into sexual relationships in later years.  The gaggle of gag hags of which you speak are quite obviously hovering somewhere around the "moron" phase.  Let me just tell you for the record that penises are not nasty.  Sure, they're a little quirky, maybe, but nasty they are not.  As I have said before, and I will say again in the hopes that at least one of you out there will learn... penises are our Friends.  Say it with me now: "Penises are our Friends".  Either these girlies are too embarrassed or repressed or anal or whatever to admit that they might (gasp!) actually like penises and the associated activities, or they are just lamers, or something.  As for what they are thinking about... I have no idea.  For all I know they could be thinking about their trusty friend Fido or hell even Erik over at Old Man Murray.  You never can tell with teenage girls these days.

  The Hills Are Alive, With The Sound Of Mucous
I am really embarrassed about this and I'm turning (literally) to you for help.  My buttcheeks are covered in big lumpy acne, that emit some kind of snottish looking goop when I pop them.  HELP ME!  How can I make this go away?!

-Buttcheez

Eh... ok, that's nasty.  But lets tackle your festering ass head on, shall we?  First, lets whack down the obvious culprits.  Do you sweat a lot?  Are you wearing a lot of artificial fibers, like polyester or nylon?  Dressing up in your mom's pantyhose will be a habit to break if you hope to clear up your mudflaps.  Are you allergic to the soap you use in the shower, or perhaps laundry?  These are all factors to be addressed.  Try bathing, or at least swiping down your hairy old globes with a diluted tee tree oil solution (available at your local health food store).  Wear natural fibers, especially cotton undies, and if you can manage it, expose your little tushie to some air and sunlight for a few minutes every day.  If this doesn't help, make yourself an appointment with a dermatologist.  Nobody should have to go through life with an oozing butt.


  How To Slip The Tongue, Mynxishly
I don't know how to kiss. Yes, it's sad I know, but I'm not to cool with the ladies, you know, just a "friend". Is there any way I can practice, like on something I can find around the house? Thanks for the help Mynx!

-Slurpee

I can't offer you any reliable kissing dummies... there's just no substitute for the real thing.  I've always found that recruiting a friend for practice can be a fun and profitable way to learn, though.  The most important tips I can give you are as follows:  No teeth.  Please.  Please please please for the love of dinglehoppers please, keep your teeth to yourself.  Also, control your drool and tongue action.  You don't need to shove your tongue out as far as possible into the other person's mouth.  Gentle, twisting tongue action is the way to go.  Granted, there are times when some heavy duty tongue spearing or even biting can be called for, but if we are speaking strictly on the terms of first baseish kissing, gently and softly is the way to go.  Press your lips to your friend's, parted slightly, and maybe run your tongue over his/her lips, lightly.  Tap the tip of your tongue against theirs.  This never fails, and if you're lucky, you'll be moving on to that biting and strenuous tongue jabbing thing we talked about earlier.


   Mynx's Jammies! 
I would like to know what you sleep in, and if you sleep in jammies if I could trouble you to part with a set, preferably not washed.  I would really like to be able to inhale and "sleep with" you, or if only in your jammies.

-OJ

I uh... don't wear jammies.  To bed, anyhow.  I sleep in undies, and that's it.  Cotton undies, too.  And no, you can't have my underwear.  Nosiree.  I do have a nice long dark green plaid flannel thing that I put on when I get up in the morning (it's cold and stuff!) but, again, I'm not giving it away.  Who knows what you perverts will do with my unmentionables if you ever get your paws on them.  I shudder at the thought.  Aiieee, where did I put the antibacterial soap?


 Name That Game Geek

Last week's geek, contrary to what most of you thought (what the hell are you people smoking?) is NOT John Carmack... but he would do Buffy in the pooper. 

Give it a month or two, and I can betcha you'll be looking at this week's geek in an entirely different way.  Boing boing!




"... but where is the DD key?!"


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