Got problems with your girlfriend because she can't take
your constant Quake playing? Are you finding yourself just
a little too attracted to the game models? Then talk
to Mynx and she'll sort it all out for you!
Week: Girlie girls who talk smack about caq, festering,
oozing butt acne (anyone hungry?), learning how to kiss, Mynx
style, and a request to smell and sleep in Mynx's unwashed
bedthings. Sometimes you pokers really freak me
out. Oh, and check out the new Geek of the Week
- this one defies gravity.
Girls Are Dumb
There are three girls that I know well
enough to discuss penises with, all of them 15 or 16, and
all three always say something like "Penises are nasty", "I'm
soo not ready for penises", or "Funtion = good, look = bad".
What the hell is up with this? I have no damn problem
with pussies, and I don't see why any girl should have a problem
with my knob. Even more confusing, these girls have
given blowjobs, handjobs, etc. Furthermore, if not purple
helmeted yogurt slingers, what do girls think about when they
do maintenance on the tuna boat? I know you don't have
a problem with knobs, so what the hell is up with these girls?
most, say, 7-10 year olds go through the "eew, boys are ICKY!"
phase. It is my hope that they will grow OUT of this before
venturing into sexual relationships in later years. The
gaggle of gag hags of which you speak are quite obviously hovering
somewhere around the "moron" phase. Let me just tell you
for the record that penises are not nasty. Sure, they're
a little quirky, maybe, but nasty they are not. As I have
said before, and I will say again in the hopes that at least
one of you out there will learn... penises are our Friends.
Say it with me now: "Penises are our Friends". Either
these girlies are too embarrassed or repressed or anal or whatever
to admit that they might (gasp!) actually like penises and the
associated activities, or they are just lamers, or something.
As for what they are thinking about... I have no idea.
For all I know they could be thinking about their trusty friend
Fido or hell even Erik over at Old Man Murray. You
never can tell with teenage girls these days.
The Hills Are Alive, With The Sound Of Mucous
I am really embarrassed about this and I'm turning (literally)
to you for help. My buttcheeks are covered in big lumpy
acne, that emit some kind of snottish looking goop when I pop
them. HELP ME! How can I make this go away?!
Eh... ok, that's nasty. But
lets tackle your festering ass head on, shall we? First,
lets whack down the obvious culprits. Do you sweat a
lot? Are you wearing a lot of artificial fibers, like
polyester or nylon? Dressing up in your mom's pantyhose
will be a habit to break if you hope to clear up your mudflaps.
Are you allergic to the soap you use in the shower, or perhaps
laundry? These are all factors to be addressed.
Try bathing, or at least swiping down your hairy old globes
with a diluted tee tree oil solution (available at your local
health food store). Wear natural fibers, especially
cotton undies, and if you can manage it, expose your little
tushie to some air and sunlight for a few minutes every day.
If this doesn't help, make yourself an appointment with a
dermatologist. Nobody should have to go through life
with an oozing butt.
How To Slip The Tongue, Mynxishly
I don't know how to kiss. Yes, it's sad
I know, but I'm not to cool with the ladies, you know, just
a "friend". Is there any way I can practice, like on something
I can find around the house? Thanks for the help Mynx!
I can't offer you any reliable kissing dummies... there's
just no substitute for the real thing. I've always found
that recruiting a friend for practice can be a fun
and profitable way to learn, though. The most important
tips I can give you are as follows: No teeth.
Please. Please please please for the love
of dinglehoppers please, keep your teeth to yourself.
Also, control your drool and tongue action. You don't
need to shove your tongue out as far as possible into
the other person's mouth. Gentle, twisting tongue action
is the way to go. Granted, there are times when some
heavy duty tongue spearing or even biting can be called
for, but if we are speaking strictly on the terms of
first baseish kissing, gently and softly is the way to go.
Press your lips to your friend's, parted slightly, and maybe
run your tongue over his/her lips, lightly. Tap the
tip of your tongue against theirs. This never fails,
and if you're lucky, you'll be moving on to that biting and
strenuous tongue jabbing thing we talked about earlier.
I would like to know what you sleep in, and if you sleep in
jammies if I could trouble you to part with a set, preferably
not washed. I would really like to be able to inhale
and "sleep with" you, or if only in your jammies.
I uh... don't wear jammies. To bed, anyhow.
I sleep in undies, and that's it. Cotton undies, too.
And no, you can't have my underwear. Nosiree.
I do have a nice long dark green plaid flannel thing that
I put on when I get up in the morning (it's cold and stuff!)
but, again, I'm not giving it away. Who knows what you
perverts will do with my unmentionables if you ever get your
paws on them. I shudder at the thought. Aiieee,
where did I put the antibacterial soap?
Name That Game Geek
geek, contrary to what
most of you thought (what the hell are you people smoking?)
is NOT John Carmack... but he would do Buffy in the pooper.
Give it a month or two, and I can betcha you'll be looking
at this week's geek in an entirely different way. Boing
"... but where is the DD key?!"