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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | Pork: The Other White Meat.
   

Got problems with your girlfriend because she can't take your constant Quake playing? Are you finding yourself just a little too attracted to the game models? Then talk to Mynx and she'll sort it all out for you!

This Week:  You guys can't seem to stop begging for help when it comes to your wee little winkies, so, okay, I give!  Here is your all-penis masturbatory issue.  Read it and.. weep, or something.  Too many of you like to tell me about wanking.  It's kind of disturbing.  On an entirely separate (and perhaps unfortunate that he got stuck in this edition ;) note, check out the little supergeek.  Can you guess who?


   Ouch
I am in trouble!  My girlfriend left me awhile back and I vowed to be celibate for at least 6 months to avoid another pesky relationship (rebound sucks)... only now I masturbate as much as twice a day, sometimes in a row!  That wouldn't be so bad, but the skin around my penis has become ... sensitive.  It breaks and even bleeds a little, like paper cuts.  Is that normal for chronic masturbators?  Will it develop a callous in time?  Should I use a condom?  I know I should just leave myself alone long enough for it to heal, but I can't!  I just can't keep my hands away from there!  There is just too much free porn on the internet!  What can I do?  It's a sickness, I tell you!!!

-Scabby

Yeouch.  Uhm, as I am not a chronic masturbator (really, I swear) I can't tell you if it is normal or not.  I would say though that you probably have sensitive skin.  Are you fair haired?  Do you sunburn easily?  Sensitive skin has to be cared for a bit more gently than regular old run of the mill people hide.  I feel compelled to mention, uh, especially when it comes to your wombat... if it hurts, DON'T DO IT.  It's all so simple in black and white, you know?  You might want to take inventory of your hands before you get to knuckleblasting, too... I mean, do you have jagged fingernails?  Sharp hangnails?  Dry skin?  Keep your nails and such trimmed, use a moisturizer.  The skin on your little woobie is tender, you need to approach it with well manicured hands to reduce the liklihood that you'll tear it up.  Your idea of using a condom could be a good one, if you can stand it.  Otherwise, for the love of oscar mayer man, leave that dingus alone until it heals!

  Pussy (That's "pus filled", you jerks) Penis Bumps
At the base of my chubby, towards the under lower area of it, I have these pimple-like things there.  I even tried pinching one, and like a pimple, this puss $h!t comes out!  I've never had sex, so I know I havent gotten any germies that way. I 'm a little worried *scared?* about this, can u help me!?

-Braille Boy

Sounds like you've got an oily nonie to me.  Yep, clogged oil glands, quite similar to the clogging of glands that can cause acne elsewhere on your greasy little body.  You should probably avoid squeezing them, because as tempting as it may be to squish the gloppy gunk out of those little suckers, opening them up like that can only invite infection and cause more bumpy trouble.  Make sure you are bathing daily, and use a washcloth with a very mild soap (like dove or ivory) to gently wash the little piggy.  You might even consider a very very diluted tea tree oil (available at the health food store) solution.  Make sure to rinse and dry very well, and please, wear cotton undies.  Do it for me.  Read the label, make sure they say "100% cotton", and if they don't, go beg your mom to buy you some.  Tell her Mynx says so, and it's for the good of your dick.  I guarantee she'll hop to.  If meticulous cleaning and breathable undies don't improve your minefield schlong, see your friendly neighborhood dermatologist for help.

   The Only Time A Swollen One = Bad
okay, here's the thing....my "friend" whacked the weasel for the better part of, well, all damn night and the poor thing is now somewhat swollen....what can be done to remedy this?

-Puffy Daddy

Wait it out.  Seriously that's about all you can do.  Most people have experienced the soreness that comes from a hefty workout of the lovenest - be it self inflicted or otherwise.  The soreness and puffy look of the abused little daushaund will diminish within a couple of days if you leave the old doggie alone for a bit.  Don't yank on it, pick at it, pull it or twist it.  Don't dip it in orange juice.  Have a cool bath and maybe get some fresh air and sunlight on it... but for godsake man, leave your schmekkie.. er, your friend's schmekkie.. er, whatever..alone.


   Clockwatchers
I have been wondering about this for a while. See, when I masturbate, I like reach the climax once, finish ejaculating and then thats it, I don't feel like doing it again, for atleast an hour or two, or three. Is that normal, cause people in porn jack-off for like 15 minutes.  If its not normal, how can i fix it?

-Phorny

 There is no normal.  Nope.  Nada.  What works for you probably won't work for me, what works for me probably won't work for John Romero, what works for Romero probably won't work for Lowtax.  "Normal", as relating to monkeynut activity, is completely personal.  You should be made aware that "porn" is nothing like real life, except for maybe the part where they get sweaty.  There will be no bumpin and grindin music, there will be no bad storyline (although maybe some bad dialogue), there will be no women who will force you to have sex with them so that you may deliver a package/pizza/whatever.  Movies aren't real.  Honest.  I promise.  It's just fine for you to have an hour or three span.  I would venture a guess that most guys fall into that category as well.  Relax, grasshopper, and be secure in your spooging.  Trust the spooge, you will not fail.

 Name That Game Geek
Last week's geek was a hard one, I'll admit, but still, a handful of you guessed correctly.  I hearby christen each of you, Ubergeeks.

This week's geek... well, you've got two, but he's only got one.  Can you guess who?




"It's a bird, it's a plane..."


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