Got problems with your girlfriend because she can't take
your constant Quake playing? Are you finding yourself just
a little too attracted to the game models? Then talk
to Mynx and she'll sort it all out for you!
Week: You guys can't seem to stop begging for help
when it comes to your wee little winkies, so, okay, I give!
Here is your all-penis masturbatory issue. Read it and..
weep, or something. Too many of you like to tell me
about wanking. It's kind of disturbing. On an
entirely separate (and perhaps unfortunate that he got stuck
in this edition ;) note, check out the little supergeek.
Can you guess who?
I am in trouble! My girlfriend
left me awhile back and I vowed to be celibate for at least
6 months to avoid another pesky relationship (rebound sucks)...
only now I masturbate as much as twice a day, sometimes in
a row! That wouldn't be so bad, but the skin around
my penis has become ... sensitive. It breaks and even
bleeds a little, like paper cuts. Is that normal for
chronic masturbators? Will it develop a callous in time?
Should I use a condom? I know I should just leave myself
alone long enough for it to heal, but I can't! I just
can't keep my hands away from there! There is just too
much free porn on the internet! What can I do?
It's a sickness, I tell you!!!
Uhm, as I am not a chronic masturbator (really, I swear) I
can't tell you if it is normal or not. I would say though
that you probably have sensitive skin. Are you fair
haired? Do you sunburn easily? Sensitive skin
has to be cared for a bit more gently than regular old run
of the mill people hide. I feel compelled to mention,
uh, especially when it comes to your wombat... if it hurts,
DON'T DO IT. It's all so simple in black and white,
you know? You might want to take inventory of your hands
before you get to knuckleblasting, too... I mean, do you have
jagged fingernails? Sharp hangnails? Dry skin?
Keep your nails and such trimmed, use a moisturizer.
The skin on your little woobie is tender, you need to approach
it with well manicured hands to reduce the liklihood that
you'll tear it up. Your idea of using a condom could
be a good one, if you can stand it. Otherwise, for the
love of oscar mayer man, leave that dingus alone until it
Pussy (That's "pus filled", you jerks) Penis
At the base of my chubby, towards the
under lower area of it, I have these pimple-like things
there. I even tried pinching one, and like a pimple,
this puss $h!t comes out! I've never had sex, so I
know I havent gotten any germies that way. I 'm a little
worried *scared?* about this, can u help me!?
like you've got an oily nonie to me. Yep, clogged oil
glands, quite similar to the clogging of glands that can cause
acne elsewhere on your greasy little body. You should
probably avoid squeezing them, because as tempting as
it may be to squish the gloppy gunk out of those
little suckers, opening them up like that can only invite
infection and cause more bumpy trouble. Make sure you
are bathing daily, and use a washcloth with a very mild
soap (like dove or ivory) to gently wash the little piggy.
You might even consider a very very diluted tea tree oil (available
at the health food store) solution. Make sure to rinse
and dry very well, and please, wear cotton undies.
Do it for me. Read the label, make sure they say
"100% cotton", and if they don't, go beg your mom to
buy you some. Tell her Mynx says so, and it's for the
good of your dick. I guarantee she'll hop to.
If meticulous cleaning and breathable undies don't improve
your minefield schlong, see your friendly neighborhood dermatologist
The Only Time A Swollen One = Bad
okay, here's the thing....my "friend"
whacked the weasel for the better part of, well, all damn
night and the poor thing is now somewhat swollen....what can
be done to remedy this?
Wait it out. Seriously that's about all you can do.
Most people have experienced the soreness that comes from
a hefty workout of the lovenest - be it self inflicted or
otherwise. The soreness and puffy look of the abused
little daushaund will diminish within a couple of days if
you leave the old doggie alone for a bit. Don't yank
on it, pick at it, pull it or twist it. Don't dip it
in orange juice. Have a cool bath and maybe get some
fresh air and sunlight on it... but for godsake man, leave
your schmekkie.. er, your friend's schmekkie.. er,
I have been wondering about this for
a while. See, when I masturbate, I like reach the
climax once, finish ejaculating and then thats it, I
don't feel like doing it again, for atleast an hour or two,
or three. Is that normal, cause people in porn jack-off for
like 15 minutes. If its not normal, how can i fix it?
is no normal. Nope. Nada. What works for
you probably won't work for me, what works for me probably
won't work for John Romero, what works for Romero probably
won't work for Lowtax. "Normal", as relating to monkeynut
activity, is completely personal. You should be made
aware that "porn" is nothing like real life, except for maybe
the part where they get sweaty. There will be no bumpin
and grindin music, there will be no bad storyline (although
maybe some bad dialogue), there will be no women who will
force you to have sex with them so that you may deliver a
package/pizza/whatever. Movies aren't real. Honest.
I promise. It's just fine for you to have an hour or
three span. I would venture a guess that most guys fall
into that category as well. Relax, grasshopper, and
be secure in your spooging. Trust the spooge, you will
Name That Game Geek
Last week's geek was a hard
one, I'll admit, but still, a handful of you guessed correctly.
I hearby christen each of you, Ubergeeks.
This week's geek... well, you've got two, but he's only got
one. Can you guess who?
"It's a bird, it's a plane..."