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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | Dear Steed

Got problems with your girlfriend because she can't take your constant Quake playing? Are you finding yourself just a little too attracted to the game models? Then talk to Mynx and she'll sort it all out for you!

This Week:  With your fearless Mynxtress on maternity leave, Super Steed steps in and grabs the.. uh, bull by the horn(s), so to speak.  Read what our favorite artist-type dude has to say about gay lovin, reality, the quest for nookie, what turns women on, and how to avoid eating sperm.  It's all so wet and slippery, you know?

  Gay Homosexuals
 I have a few friends that seem a bit confused about certain things. One friend, let's call him "John", was spending the night at another friend's house, let's call him "Jake", with another friend, who we can call "Frank".  Well (according to "Frank") while Jake was upstairs in his own bed, Frank and John were asleep (in the same bed) downstairs. In the middle of the night Frank woke up and saw that Johnís hand was resting on his willie, so Frank rolled over facing opposite of John, to get John's hand off of his manhood. A short while later, Frank found that John's hand was slowly sliding down his pants, so as to touch his ass. Frank was enraged by this and shouted, "John, what the FUCK are you doing?!". John immediately jumped back and acted as though he was in deep sleep the whole time. After this Frank got up and ran upstairs to sleep on Jakeís floor. Now it is the day after, and Frank is telling everyone he knows (this is how I found out) that John is a flaming homosexual, and John is grossed out that Frank would say such a thing.  This is confusing to everyone that has heard about the incident. I mean, is John gay? Is Frank gay? What do you make of this craziness Mynx?


Well, the obvious first question I have is what the HELL are Frank and John in the same bed to begin with?  I mean c'mon.  It's an unwritten guy rule that you just don't DO that.  Clothed or not (were they clothed?) it's just something not done and definitely not talked about IF done.  

Second question would have to be the reasoning behind rolling over to avoid the most unforgiving kind of Man Touch there is.  GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE should have been first and foremost on Frank's mind.  Accident or not, this is the line uncrossed if indeed straightness is an adjective you associate with yourself.  The fact that it reached the point of one guy feeling the hair on another guy's ass leads me to the following theory:

"All three guys were out having a good time and got pretty drunk.  Failing to pick anyone up they went to Jake's house were they cleaned out any remaining beer and warmed up some leftover pizza to cure the munchies. They all decided to crash at Jake's since they were too tired or drunk to go home.  John's probably gay and has had the hots for Frank for awhile. While in bed they start fooling around a little (Frank's curious) and Jake walks in on them (hearing strange noises).  Frank freaks out and claims he's being raped or something and runs out of the room.  The next day everyone agrees not to say anything about it, but Frank's afraid one of the other two will spill the beans so he starts telling everyone an edited version of what happened."

So, as I am personally secure in my homophobia I'd just have to say BOTH John and Frank are gay.  Otherwise they wouldn't have jumped into that bed together.  I think Jake's in on it too so you probably need to keep an eye on him as well..."

  Like.. Yeah.. And Stuff..
Is reality subjective or objective? I figure you'd be the one to ask.

-Ruminative One

What the heck is your problem?  How dare you ask even remotely relevant
questions in this column.  (I think I may be insulted! -mynx ) I mean c'mon, the existential nature of the universe will always be deemed subjective due the vast space/time differences/distances traversed/contemplated.  Scientists have theorized and strongly supported recently the possibility of alternate universes/realities so of course any of our existences are subjective to our individual perceptions. 

Some people never leave their home town their entire life.  Some people visit every state and most civilized countries before they die.  Some people speak several different languages, some people find difficulty mastering their NATIVE tongue.  How can they POSSIBLY live an objective life.  However, the best example I can give for reality being subjective is this example.  You walk up to someone and say, "Hey Man.  Howzit goin?" They answer, "Not much, dood."  Why?  Because they HEARD you say "Wazzup?".  THAT is their autonomic response to a gesture of salutation (greeting).

To further support this argument that reality is subjective instead of objective look at the definition of the words.  Subjective can mean mean "characteristic of or belonging to reality as 'perceived' rather than as independent of mind."  Objective can mean "relating to or being experience or knowledge as conditioned by personal mental characteristics or states."

In other words drunk or not, baked or not we perceive reality the way we conveniently want to perceive it.  Someone talks to us in a condescending smart-ass fashion and say something to the effect of, "that was a stupid thing to do..."  Later on as we recall the dialog we distinctly remember that person calling us a 'stupid-ass' and use it as argument fodder.

We could go on here forever so just remember this the next time you want to delve into the deep waters of casual philosophy, "Up is a relative term and has no intrinsic value ;]" 

  How To Get Some
K, I have a gf. We kiss, fondle, share wonderful moments of laughter etc.. Yep that's it. I'm very sexually deprived, I'm a virgin (17 yr old). I'm going completely insane. I mean she really turns me on and i want to give her some sweet loving from the center of my manlyhood. The problem is, I can't do it! How do you start? When do u make the move?!? What the hell is a notion for wanting sex?? I need to know, also, I want to know if your a hottie? cuz we can hook up :))

-Mentally Deprived

You are 17 years old and haven't gotten laid yet?  What the hell is wrong with you?  Seriously.  How can you be depraved of something you know nothing about?  I admit I started at a really early age, but I always liked girls (never went through perplexing 'cooties' phase of boyhood...always dug chicks).

Your brain and body are one big hormone factory and you just need to chill a bit and understand the female psyche a little.  If indeed you're fondling and kissing and laughing like mad around each's just a matter of time before you're dipping the stick, sheathing the ole pork sword, and impaling her with your 'manlyhood'.  Girls need to work up to it more slowly.  The more you attempt to rush her the longer it's gonna be (unless you start dating that real easy girl you keep eyeing in study hall...)

A man's libido (aka sex drive) is turned on and going strong in the time it takes a synapse in your brain to dump a couple gallons of blood into the tool.  It's been written somewhere that a man thinks about sex 90% of his waking moments.  Thought however, in the conventional sense has nothing to do with this process...hence the term 'head' for the penis.  It's not some huge secret many men use the wrong head to make many of their life's decision.  Rarely does it HAVE to involve emotions.  Women on the other hand need emotional stimuli as well as a pair of firm naked buttocks in their hands.  Appeal to that side of her first and the other stuff will so to speak.

In other words girls need to feel you listen to what they have to say, care about what they buy, and LOVE them before they're willing to put out (well, that is MOST girls).  She obviously cares for you and knows what you want.  I'd suggest sometime over luvvy duvvy you nuzzle her neck a little and whisper a polite request in her ear like "Hey, Baby.  You know how much I love you.  When do you think you'll be ready for us to get naked?  I know you're the one I want to be the first..."  Or you can just try seeing if she wants a scented oil body rub.  Start with her toes and work your way up slowly...she'll be wrapping her legs around your waist in no time.

Just remember that 'easy come, easy go' relates to this kind of situation.  Go slow, be confident and when the time comes...repeat after me "No Glove...No Love."  Got me?  Good.

   Unf Unf Unf
I would like to know what really turns women on i know what turns me and and i want to know if chicks are into the same thing?


Dear Curious,

When it comes to 'doin the jiggy', 'knockin boots', 'gettin busy', etc...everyone has their own technique best suited for him or her. From your query I'm assuming you've either never had sex or you maybe had several unsuccessful forays into the activity.

First off, getting good at pleasing a woman takes time and a woman who's willing to be helpful (sex is a participation sport you know.) If you have a woman who pulls a starfish on you (just lays there whith her arms and legs spread and says...'pleasure me') you'll never learn anything. Once you hook up with the right girl who is responsive and creative in her lovemaking, then you can get some serious education.

Having said that, here are some things I've found that a woman should usually dig:

- Do lots of caressing and touching when you get all naked and ready to rumble. Take it slow and don't try to be a bull in a china shop. Grease her wheels a little (so to speak). This level of intimacy makes the whole experience generally more enjoyable in the long run anyway.

- Speak in tongues, my brutha! Once the touchy-feely caressing gets the temperature up, head south young man! Of course it's perfectly acceptable to let her head south first (some women get very aroused by felatio...) or do a little 69 action. Whatever. Just remember some basics when it comes to giving a woman head. OPEN YOUR EYES (makes it easier to find the button). Spend lots of steady tongue motion on the clit but don't rub it like using an eraser. Get your fingers into the fray as well.

- Once the foreplay is taking care of, do a little traditional riding and experiment to see what works. If she doesn't enjoy getting her ears pinned by her ankles and given a proper pounding then find out what works. Doggie-style, sitting facing and away from you in your lap, standing against a wall...whatever floats your boats.

- Finish up with a vengeance (usually from behind), leaving a nice imprint of her face into the mattress for good measure ;p

Essentially, pleasing a woman depends on you and the object of your pleasure. Knowing what turns you on is important, but let's face it...most guys shoot first and ask if she's satisfied later. Rent some lesbian porn to get the best technique for going down on a woman. Get some books on sex and learn about different positions. Personally I'm starting to lean towards Tantric sex since it prolongs the act almost infinitely.

In the end time and the right partner will teach you more than anything about sex, though. Just don't be uptight about it and things will progress quite nicely ;]

sometimes, after my girlfriend eats the banana, she comes up and tries to kiss me. i don't resist, but i must admit i'm a little icked out at the prospect of swallowing my own little tadpoles.  is there anything i can do to prevent, or at least delay this, until maybe she's swallowed a few times?

for the record, i have made forays into the tuna boat, and she _seems_ to be okay with the fact that i kiss her after.


Body fluids are body fluids.  Sex is a messy sport so get used to it.  Then again if she's chin-dribilling and comes at you mouth agape you can always head-butt her and claim it was an accident (subconciously she may make a mental note to self...) She probably get's all hot and bothered (believe it or not some girls get turned on by felatio) and in the heat of passion wants to mack down to get the ole juices flowing even better.  She's cool with swapping more than spit so you should be as well.  Besides, if you make a big deal out of it you're likely to stop getting your banana peeled. Try some 69 action, take care of each other and by the time you get all re-situated for  some kissage, she'll have licked her lips at least and you can spit out that annoying pube...

 Name That Game Geek
Last week's geek was a "hard" one, but I knew a few of you old die hards out there would get it...

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