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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | Dear Mynx bot
   

Got problems with your plasma gun? Are you finding yourself attracted to beings that have no apparent means of mating? Then talk to our favorite model/assassin/adult entertainer/advice columnist bot Mynx, and she'll sort it all out for you.

This Week:  Gaping body cavities and the difficulties they present, forbidden love, rocket troubles, and a slightly disturbing embarrassment spotlight.

  Is It My Exposed Colon?
I'm at the end of my rope Mynx, your divine advice may be my last hope. I'm a reasonably attractive Cybronic Human Vampire. I take good care of myself, and I've got a snazzy flag bandanna on my head that I thought would drive the chicks wild. That's the problem, I just can't get any girly action. The only thing I can think may be driving them away is the enormous hole in my torso. I mean, it's not oozing or anything, it's just a good size section of missing flesh that exposes most of my inner organs. Is this something that turns girls off? Should I put on a shirt? Help me Mynx, I fear that I will never find that special someone to join me side by side in the Arena Eternal.

- Poor Lonely Patriot

Let me tell you, there's nothing wrong with a good hole in the torso. It can even be a bit sexy, if you're into that kind of thing. I don't think that's the problem, I think it's the bandanna. Unless it's covering up a big old bald spot, a bandanna should only be seen in your pocket, or around the neck of a dog. Try loosing the rag, and you may notice a sharp increase of "girly action."

  Love On The Battlefield
I'm a plus sized gal that loves a good fight more than anyone else, but lately I haven't been able to concentrate on killing for pleasure. Before the Arena Eternal, I was a guard/ prisoner in a female prison, and since then, I've only been attracted to other strong women. This used to be merely a leisure activity, but now I think I'm in love with a fellow opponent, and it's driving me crazy. Her name is Major. She's tough as nails, with a fearsome battle cry and an impressive scar across her face. She's quick and agile, and when we're in the same arena, all I can do is gaze at her longingly. I pray for the day we're on the same team, fighting together in our matching outfits. Do you think I have a chance? Should I tell her how I feel, or try and continue on without her?

- Lustful Lucy 

I hate to tell you this, but battlefield romances rarely work out. You may be infatuated with the way she handles a railgun, but after the fight you might find that you have nothing in common. Before you plunge head first into a romance, I suggest striking up a friendship, that way you can see if you have any common interests other than bloodshed.

   Gun Jam Blues
I've always been a fearsome warrior, but lately I've been having a serious problem. My Rocket Launcher won't fire. I've tried cleaning it, lubricating it, even stroking it, but nothing helps. I feel like less of a Chitinid, is there anything I can do?

- Koncerned Klesk 

Hmmmm…Sounds like the problem is less mechanical and more psychological. Try not thinking about it so much. Whip out your gun in a dark room all by yourself, clear your mind, and I'm sure in no time your little buddy will be spewing rockets like there's no tomorrow!

   Embarrassment Spotlight
Here's a little story of college dorm life from that lovable Gargoyle Uriel. Enjoy!

"Your pathetic souls will all be mine in time. Metal or flesh, I will tear apart your pathetic corpses and leave you screaming forever in the eternal void. In my sophomore year at business school, I lived in a coed dorm with separate floors for each gender. The showers were on the other end of the hall, and I often made the walk wrapped up in a large towel. One fateful day, I had just finished my shower and on my way back to the room, I ran across a group of girls putting up posters in the hallway. Slightly embarrassed by my current state, I rushed past them, not noticing the step stool they had on the floor. I tripped over it and landed face first, minus my towel. It had snagged on the stool, exposing my lack of genitalia before the whole 'Women's Rights' committee. Their wide eyed stares and cruel laughter followed me all the way back to my room. Ever since then, I have devoted myself to the destruction of all life forms."


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