problems with your plasma gun? Are you finding yourself attracted
to beings that have no apparent means of mating? Then talk
to our favorite model/assassin/adult entertainer/advice columnist
bot Mynx, and she'll
sort it all out for you.
Week: Gaping body cavities and the difficulties
they present, forbidden love, rocket troubles, and a slightly
disturbing embarrassment spotlight.
Is It My Exposed Colon?
I'm at the end of my rope Mynx, your divine advice may be
my last hope. I'm a reasonably attractive Cybronic Human Vampire.
I take good care of myself, and I've got a snazzy flag bandanna
on my head that I thought would drive the chicks wild. That's
the problem, I just can't get any girly action. The only thing
I can think may be driving them away is the enormous hole
in my torso. I mean, it's not oozing or anything, it's just
a good size section of missing flesh that exposes most of
my inner organs. Is this something that turns girls off? Should
I put on a shirt? Help me Mynx, I fear that I will never find
that special someone to join me side by side in the Arena
- Poor Lonely Patriot
Let me tell you, there's nothing wrong with a good hole in
the torso. It can even be a bit sexy, if you're into that
kind of thing. I don't think that's the problem, I think it's
the bandanna. Unless it's covering up a big old bald spot,
a bandanna should only be seen in your pocket, or around the
neck of a dog. Try loosing the rag, and you may notice a sharp
increase of "girly action."
Love On The Battlefield
I'm a plus sized gal that loves a good
fight more than anyone else, but lately I haven't been able
to concentrate on killing for pleasure. Before the Arena Eternal,
I was a guard/ prisoner in a female prison, and since then,
I've only been attracted to other strong women. This used
to be merely a leisure activity, but now I think I'm in love
with a fellow opponent, and it's driving me crazy. Her name
is Major. She's tough as nails, with a fearsome battle cry
and an impressive scar across her face. She's quick and agile,
and when we're in the same arena, all I can do is gaze at
her longingly. I pray for the day we're on the same team,
fighting together in our matching outfits. Do you think I
have a chance? Should I tell her how I feel, or try and continue
on without her?
- Lustful Lucy
I hate to tell you this, but battlefield romances rarely work
out. You may be infatuated with the way she handles a railgun,
but after the fight you might find that you have nothing in
common. Before you plunge head first into a romance, I suggest
striking up a friendship, that way you can see if you have
any common interests other than bloodshed.
I've always been a fearsome warrior, but
lately I've been having a serious problem. My Rocket Launcher
won't fire. I've tried cleaning it, lubricating it, even stroking
it, but nothing helps. I feel like less of a Chitinid, is
there anything I can do?
Hmmmm…Sounds like the problem is less mechanical and more
psychological. Try not thinking about it so much. Whip out
your gun in a dark room all by yourself, clear your mind,
and I'm sure in no time your little buddy will be spewing
rockets like there's no tomorrow!
a little story of college dorm life from that lovable Gargoyle
"Your pathetic souls will all be mine in time. Metal or flesh,
I will tear apart your pathetic corpses and leave you screaming
forever in the eternal void. In my sophomore year at business
school, I lived in a coed dorm with separate floors for each
gender. The showers were on the other end of the hall, and
I often made the walk wrapped up in a large towel. One fateful
day, I had just finished my shower and on my way back to the
room, I ran across a group of girls putting up posters in
the hallway. Slightly embarrassed by my current state, I rushed
past them, not noticing the step stool they had on the floor.
I tripped over it and landed face first, minus my towel. It
had snagged on the stool, exposing my lack of genitalia before
the whole 'Women's Rights' committee. Their wide eyed stares
and cruel laughter followed me all the way back to my room.
Ever since then, I have devoted myself to the destruction
of all life forms."