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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | What's in the bowl, bitch?
   

Got problems with your girlfriend because she can't take your constant Quake playing? Are you finding yourself just a little too attracted to the game models? Then talk to Mynx and she'll sort it all out for you!

This Week:  How to deal with a girl who sleeps with.. well, everyone; Why girls suck if you're a nice old regular joe, girls with fartypants, and a poor guy with a really smelly butt.  And you thought you had problems. 

  Round Round Get Around She Gets Around
ok here's the deal. I'm 19 years old. I met this girl online back in October, we met in real life in November and were boyfriend girlfriend seeing each other every other weekend or so in one of those long distance relationships until about early may. she was in love. i wasn't. at least I didn't think I was. she was my first girlfriend, I didn't know what love was.
    then we decided we'd just date each other and see other people too. and I, being the horny bastard that I am, agreed that sex was just sex and didn't mean anything with anyone else. in retrospect this was a very bad idea.
    in late April we got to talking and she blurted out accidentally that she had slept with 2 other guys. I flipped out and broke it off with her. we were each other's first time. and I have only slept with her. so anyway a few weeks later she came to my work looking so god damn hot and apologized for everything and wanted to go out again. she has since told me that it wasn't just two guys, it was closer to fifteen other guys. in a month and a half's time. now I've dated 2 other girls while still dating her (and no, I'm not a god damn player), going down on one of the girls, but she really wants to be my one and only now. she's said that I am the only guy she loves and that the other guys were just mistakes cause she was so heartbroken when I dumped her.
    I don't know what to think. part of me wants revenge or justice for the 15 guys, but I'm just not that shallow. and I'm going back to college in a few weeks and it would be another crappy long distance relationship with her if I did take her back. so I guess my question is this: how can I tell I'm in love with her, how could I possibly forgive her, what the hell should I do?

-Doubletime

One guy is an "accident".  Two could be a "mistake".  FIFTEEN?  That's suckling the ole batter dipped corndog for sport, not for sustenance.  I can't tell you how you'll know it's love.  That's something that is different for everyone, and all I can say is if you are, you'll know it.  As for this little skankenfurter, my first reaction is to cut her loose and send her downriver to hoville; but since I'm feeling charitable this evening, I say what the steedball, give her one more chance.  Make it clear to her in no uncertain terms that you have changed your opinion on the sex thing - because clearly, sex is more than "just sex" to you, now.  Let her know what you expect of her, find out what she expects from you, and then hold up your end of the love bargain.  If she goes out and "accidentally" sleeps with four hundred and fifty one guys next month, dump her.  For good.  Oh and um, hey while I'm thinking of it: CONDOMS.  Condoms are your friends. 

  Girls Suck
Hello Mynx, I have got just one question...are girls either undecisive and
don't know what they want or just plain ol' stupid?

Forgive me for being so blunt, but I am seriously fed up with girls. Every girl I have ever met tells me I am smart, funny, cute, the sweetest guy they have ever met, a blast to hang out with, caring, sensitive, not an asshole, ect., ect., ect.!!! So, why am I single and ALWAYS have been?!

Well, I had a girlfriend for a week, but she broke up with me. I don't really consider that a girlfriend, more like a mishap or disaster event that ruined my self-esteem and confidence. But isn't that what EVERY girl wants though?! A smart, sweet, funny, attractive, ect. man?! And every girl LOVES the fact that I can cook very well, I know how to do my own laundry and not have mommy do it, I am VERY good with kids and I love kids, I am not dependent on other people, ect.

So, I guess my question is: WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG?! I am 18 years old and confused as all hell as to why girls just aren't a fan for me. Please help, have any suggestions? Numbers of hitmen that I can have? (jk) please help me restore my confidence that I won't be a lonely man all my life. 

-Loner

Well, we're either one or the other, but I'm not really sure.  Har har har.  You're wrestling with one of the most common guy problems out there.  You're such a "sweetie", such a "good friend", such a "dollface" and "like a brother" to these girls.  Translation: you're nice, you're respectable, you're thoughtful and you don't do a thing to tickle the "oooh, he scares me so much I simply MUST GET NAKED AND BEG FOR A PIGGY BACK RIDE" fancy.  You're the Nice Guy.  Nice guys have been plagued with this dilemma forever.  The only thing you can do is either try to beef up your image a little - be a little unpredictable around these chicks - or bide your time and wait for that "nice girl" to show up.  When she does, you'll make her chowder simmer without having to try and "be" anything other than that nice guy.  Oh, and if she happens to have a really big butt, well, them's the breaks. 

  Prrrrrt..Hey, Yuck!
I have a problem that is pretty darn gross.  My girlfriend comes over to play quake, and while we are playing, she thinks she can just go and fart anytime she wants to and nobody will care.  Like she thinks that the sound of the frags will cover up the sound of her tooots or something.  That doesn't help the stink though.  This totally grosses me out and I have a hard time being hot for her when she is farting like my fat uncle Marv.  Help.

-Skunk Love 

Ugh, eeeeew.  That just grosses me out.  You too, apparently.  Are you the direct type?  You could just say "look, honey, you are stinking up this room worse than john romero after a taco binge", and leave it at that.  If you prefer a more indirect approach, you could clutch your throat, hack and gag, feign a loss of consciousness and spray air freshener wildly.  She'll get the hint.  And fear not... once she stops laying rotten air artichokes, you'll perk right back up and get back on the hot to trot track.

   Yet More Net.Love
My butt stinks. :[  Stop laughing, this isn't a joke, it really honestly smells.  It is not like some kind of poop stink, more like that rancid cheese butt juice stink.  I am aware of it almost all of the time, but sometimes a waft will hit me when I'm in like Best Buy or something and I want to run off and die. :[  What can I do?

-Tailpipe 

Oh, poor stinky butt man.  I feel bad for you, as your ass odor is obviously causing you great pain.  I am sure you are bathing every single solitary day, and wiping well when you've made a little potty.  This, though, sounds to me like a sweat issue, not a butt-centric issue, per se.  I would recommend a good deoderant soap in the shower, and possibly something like a shower to shower powder in your buttcrack.  Be sure to change your panties every day now, not just when you happen to think of it.  You might try switching undies as well, as I suspect you are a bright white BVD kind of boy.  Switch to boxers - yes, you'll get used to your boys wandering - they are a bit better ventilated and your squeaky little tushie should stay a bit dryer and less offensive.

  Losin' It
Gone fishing.


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