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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | Dear Tycho.

Got problems with your girlfriend because she can't take your constant Quake playing? Are you finding yourself just a little too attracted to the game models? Then talk to Mynx and she'll sort it all out for you!

This Week:  Yay!  Hop on up for a nice steaming plateful of Dear Tycho!  Yes, kids, that's right - Penny Arcade's very own Tycho Brahe dishes out sage, wise advice.  Christmas comes early this year!

  Girls Suck!
Why is it that girls feel it necessary to have insane mood swings? Mine does exactly this, totally arbitrarily, just locks up. Of course I internally declare "whatthefuuuck" and get all agitated myself. Eventually it blows over, but she usually blames me, saying it was I that had the mood swing, when in fact it was her.
Is there just something in the Y chromisome which stablizes mood, or is this some sort of scheme to irritate me?


I don't think so. What I've gathered from my wife Brenna is that loving me can be a big pain in the ass sometimes. A lot of the time, actually - even though I'm perfect. I'm not excusing the "mood swings" you've reported here, I'm only saying that her lot might be - and get this - at least as frustrating, if not moreso, than your own.

   "Girls" Don't Like Me!  Help Help!!
Hi I am a 18 and a half years old, and I suck!. My problem is no "girls" like me, Im good looking I think, Im not fat or anything and Im fit, I snow and skateboard all year round. So whats my problem?, Why don't girls ever look at me or ask me out?. Im 18 and you think by now that I would have had one girl walk up to me and ask me out or somthing!, Nothing!. I've never had a girl friend in my life!. And now my new problem is, there is this girl I know thats a friend of a friends kinda thing. and every time I see her I just about die becaus she is so awesome and she just broke up with her boyfriend and now I would love to go out with her but I don't think she likes me. Would should I do?, if I can't go out with this girl I may have to kill myself.

-Lonley Nerd

Suicide? Pfeh. It's so hard to stand out in that medium. I have to be the 10,994,564th person to tell you this, I guess. You have absolutely nothing to lose in talking to her, aside from your pride, your social stature, your self-worth, etc, etc. Alternately, you can not talk to her, and then you only lose my respect. You'll probably never actually meet me, though. It's up to you. Go get 'em, tiger. 

  Got Wang?
Is it rong for one to touch ones dong when one is playing certian games?  Cos I do, and god DAMN if is not cool.


Gentle readers, I can only assume that "dong" and "wang" are different words for the same peripheral.

Aside from that though, he's quite correct: you may rightly incorporate your wang or wang equivalent into any gaming session, often with fantastic results. Merry Christmas!

   Taco Cravings
I'm finding myself in big trouble here. I'm an 18 year old female and until recently, I have always thought I was heterosexual. Now I'm finding that that may not be the case. While I still find an attractive man well,... attractive, I've been having recurring fantasies of my best friend! She's by anyones standards, a knockout. Most men can't even hold a conversation with her without having to re-adjust their jeans at least once. I'm finding my problem to be quite the same, lately.

I'll be honest, she was spending the night about a month ago because she had been kicked out of her house temporarily for reasons not needing to be discussed. Anyways, when she was in the bathroom changing, I had walked by and she had left the door open a crack and when I seen her, everything about her changed. I think I'm in love but maybe I'm just confused.

Since then, I've found no member of the opposite sex especially appealing anymore and she's the only girl I've been feeling like this towards. I know she doesn't have a boyfriend (Come on! We're best friends!) It's been a month and it's only gotten worse. Do you think that if I hang tight, this will pass or should I just confront her about it? I would ask my friends about this but they're all terribly homophobic so I'm not sure this would ever be a good idea but I can't ignore this. Please help! 


I support you one-hundred percent in your endeavors. Godspeed!

p.s. send pics to

  They Call Him "One Nut"!
I am a highschool boy that lives in LA and one of my FORMER friends found i out that i only have one testicle.  Now at a highschool age, would that make kids and girls totally disgusted?


It depends on the specific kids and girls we're talking about, I'd imagine. But if there's one thing I can guarantee you it's that people will accentuate irrelevant things and minimize the important things. So you've only got one ball. Big flipping deal! I mean, I bet you're probably a great whistler, or good with a Rubik's Cube. It all equals out. I wouldn't run out and get a shirt that says "I have just one testicle" on it or anything, this is something you keep to yourself almost ninety percent of the time. Not because you should be ashamed of it, but because it isn't anybody's God damned business.

  Long Luscious Hair
Helpme I think I am in love with John Romero.  Wtf do I DO? :(


Shoot yourself.

  Hit Me Baby One More Time
Well, how do I put this... I, like many gamers and geeks have trouble with women.  I'm 20 now and have never really had  a girlfriend.  I have been told that I'm quite attractive before, that's not my downfall, its the fact that I'm a geek.  At times I get the feeling that a girl is attracted to me, but I really don't know what to do.  At times I'd like to hook up with a gal but I don't know where to start, what to say.  I even have a phobia about making myself feel stupid, or awkward, so I never actually do anything about my hunches.  I need advise on how to overcome this, if I don't I'll be single for the rest of my pathetic life.  Why is it so hard for me to hit on women?


Rewind a second there, champ. I know that I'm playing advice columnist and everything, but let's get something straight between the two of us up front. In my personal experience, limited though it may be, "hitting" on women might not be the right technique. I don't think they require much in the way of "hitting," for the most part. And not wanting to look or act stupid, hell, that's an admirable quality. I can appreciate that. But the next time you get one of your "hunches," I want you to bear two things well in mind. One, and I'm being serious, is that you are not to "hit" on her. They know when you do. They know your language (hopefully) and will often respond to genuine interest. Two, and I'm being serious again, is that it isn't the end of creation if this one doesn't pan out. If you think it's impossible that you'll find somebody, remember (my son) that John Romero still has a fucking job. We live in a world of boundless potential, apparently.

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