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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | Go play unweb.

Got problems with your girlfriend because she can't take your constant Quake playing? Are you finding yourself just a little too attracted to the game models? Then talk to Mynx and she'll sort it all out for you!

This Week:  Losing the deathmatch magic, finding love when you are a hardcore gamer, popping zits, how to be a boyfriend, God sex, lesbians and boobies, and the way men pee.  MENTOS.  The freshmaker. 

   The Magic is Gone
My man and I used to deathmatch every night before bed, but it's been months.  We don't even play Age of Empires anymore over the LAN.  Sure, there's still the sex and the conversation, but my desire for strafing is being severely frustrated here.  What do you suppose is up with this guy?  One more thing: I started to beat him as often as I got fragged shortly before we stopped playing.  What guy's ego would be more important than the thrill of playing deathmatch with his woman?

Men are very fragile little honeys.   All guys SAY that they want a gaming girl, sure, "oh, please help me find a nerdy girl who will play with more than just my rocket launcher!"  Then, in true "be careful what you wish for fashion"... they find one.  They get their asses mauled and then they cry like babies, and retreat.  You should have seen the stress my marriage came under when I started stomping Mental into the ground, without fail, in Soul Caliber.  He was utterly offended.  Why don't you try giving him some probably much needed attention - rub his shoulders and nibble his neck a little bit... then whisper "baby, let's LAN" into his ear, and bite his earlobe for good measure.  I betcha it'll work.

   Wank and Game, Game and Wank
My love life suffers immensely from my gaming habit, I have trouble finding anyone who will stay with a hardcore gamer, my last relationship died largely because of my excessive hours gaming. Now, if I am very good with women, a socially adept gamer if you will, so I need no help, if I really like a girl I can get her to notice me and they often like me, but NONE of them share my gaming habit. So here's my question, how does one find a gaming female, they are few and far between, and personals are not an option (because I wont sink that low and besides, if they are gamers, they prolly aren't going to be reading the personals).Where are the nerd grrls?

Well, we are everywhere!  You just have to know where to look.  Involving yourself in any sort of gaming community will find you around lots of other people, and generally some of those other people have tits.  Really, we do!  And I'm not talking about manboobs, either.  Let me delve a little deeper into your hardcore, here.  You are able to be a hardcore gamer because, like.. nobody loves you.  Or something.  When you suck a chick into your fold, you are going to have to rearrange your weenie little life to include her... and that, my friend, means scaling back some of your "hard" core.  I mean it.  Even if she is the erectist of the hard in hardcore, she is still going to want some of your time and attention, and that will force you to either give it to her, or ignore her need and continue gaming.  Choose wisely, mortal. 

I love to pop zits.  I adore it.  I especially love the ones that are "un-ripe", and make an audible *tick* sound. (Grin)  Is it odd to enjoy squeezing pus out from under my skin?  I don't wash my hands 50 times a day, I'm not obsessive compulsive.  (I don't THINK I am...) 

That is utterly and completely disgusting.  Not only is it bad for your skin, but it is just darn gross.  What IS this obsession you people have with bodily goos?  Who are you freaks?!  It is even worse, because you don't wash your hands 50 times a day - thus, every time you pop a zit with your nasty fecal encrusted fingernails, you open it up and let in all sorts of nasty bacteria.  This my friend will make your zit all the yuckier, and make it more likely to scar.  How many times do I have to tell you people?  STOP PICKING YOUR BOOBOOS!

   I Just Want Your Extra Time and Your... Kiss:
Ok, i finally worked up the courage to ask this girl out and the problem is that i have never had a girlfriend before and i have a few questions:
1. How Do I French Kiss?
2. WTF Do I Do In A Relationship?
3. What Things Will She Expect From Me?
4. And What Should I Expect From Her?

"French" kissing, much like sheathing the old pork sword, is a delicate balance of thrust and swirl.  When I was in highschool, I briefly (VERY briefly) dated a boy who would open his mouth as widely as possible, plant his teeth on each of my cheeks, stick his tongue out as far as possible, and wiggle it.  This is the perfect example of what NOT to do.  (Hi, Lucas!)  1) You want to gently mash your lips against hers, part your lips a bit (but not an open up and say aaaaah kind of thing) and dart your tongue in her mouth.  Tickle her tongue with yours.  Go from there.  2) I wish I knew, man.  I'm married and I'm still trying to figure that shit out!  3) She will expect you to: Pay constant attention to her.  Never divert even for a moment or she will assume you hate her.  Think about her constantly.  Never think about anything else or she will assume you hate her.  Tell her about seventy two times a day how wonderful she is, or, again, she will assume you hate her.  4) Never expect anything from chicks because you will always expect exactly the opposite of what you will be getting. :D 

   God, and Sex
I was wondering if you we're a religious person. You might know this one anyways: Is sex biblically wrong?

I am not a religious person.  I am a spiritual person, but I don't worship a particular god or give money to a particular church... despite my evangelist grandmother's best efforts.  That said, no, sex is not biblically wrong.  Sex is, in fact, "God's great gift" or some other happy shit... without sex, there can be no babies, ie procreation, and without procreation, one can not be born into religion, dig?  Now, this only applies to sex in "God's union", ie, marriage.  I personally believe that no benevolent God(dess) would give us something as great as sex if she didn't intend for us to partake. :D

This question contains both the words "lesbian" and "boobs."  Therefore, it's bound to go over well with 98.6 percent of the Quake population.  Simple question: Are most lesbians, like most men, attracted by women's boobs? I've been wondering about this one for a while. Most  (heterosexual) women can't understand a man's obsession with breasts, and guys can't quite explain it, either. For a while I thought it was like a miniature Oedipus complex--men, as children, are breast-fed, and grow up liking breasts from minute one. But then again, baby girls are breast-fed too, and so far as I know, they don't obsess with them. Maybe it's because they have them.  How about sheding some light on this mystery?

Actually, I think you might something backwards.  Breastfeeding is "in" now so it is making quite a comeback, however the last two or three generations, in the western world, were not so lucky.  It is no wonder grown men today are so obsessed with boobs, they didn't get the boobs they needed as babies!  As for the whole lesbian thing, sure, some are attracted to hooters.  Some aren't.  Some are attracted to butts.  Some aren't.  Some are attracted to a nice smile or a very bulbous onion ass.  It's all a matter of, you'll excuse me for this one, taste.  Oh, and, for the record, I am breastfeeding my baby girl as I type this. :D

   Pee Pee Man!
Seems like every woman on earth wants men to sit down when they pee. I have tried this numerous times (also when not-peeing, as in taking a sh*t) but I seem to have found the reason why men pee standing up. (other than the "I'm a guy, I don't sit down" reason) When a man is on the can (I'm a poet, I know), his penis has to be somehow "bent" downward, because if you just leave it the way it normally is, the urine coming out will cause the penis to "recoil" and thus missing the toilet.  So, when you somehow point it to the right direction (down), you kind of cut off the natural urine flow and trap some in your pee-canal. And when you get up, this leftover urine dribbles out, on the toilet seat, your pants or on he floor.  So actually, men *have to* stand up.  Of course, this still needs to be proven scientifically, but I hope this clarifies the subject.

Okay um first of all I have never once in my life wanted a man to sit down while he pees.  There are.. uh.. some things I just DON'T want to know about, namsayn?  I am interested and almost fascinated by your thorough and well researched documentation of pee pee and the male dingle... but I don't have a personal opinion one way or the other on how you should pee.  But, hey, thanks for sharing!

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