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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | sofa king we taut it!
   

Got problems with your girlfriend because she can't take your constant Quake playing? Are you finding yourself just a little too attracted to the game models? Then talk to Mynx and she'll sort it all out for you!

This Week:  All your birthdays are belong to us!  Tis the month of March, which means Dear Mynx turns FOUR YEARS OLD!  That's a long damn time, and a boat load of neurotic, freaky gamers.  Thanks, guys, for a great four years.  This column would be nothing without you, my loyal readers and contributors.

    Buttjuice!
I'm a Junior in High School, and I have a real embarrassing problem that I am desperate for help on. The thing is, whenever I wear a certain pair of pants (Abercrombie & Fitch khakis), if I have to do number 1 somehwat badly, when I do get to the bathroom, I'll feel the back-end a little went. Turning my head around the best I can or looking in a mirror, there's a wet spot right there on my pants hovering right above my asshole. I can't figure out how it's happening at all. It seems to be only happening with this one pair of pants and no others. Is it some bizarre allergie? It just looks like I somehow sat down in a small puddle. Nobody's said anything yet, but as you can imagine, when this does happen, it is EXTREMELY embarrassing. If you can help me with anything other than telling me to "see a doctor," I'd really, really appreciate it. Thank you very much.


Buttjuice, honey, buttjuice.  It is that stinky slippery goo you find in your buttcrack.  Go on, stick your finger in there, and see.  See?  I have noticed that it is worse when men wear khakis - perhaps khaki is just more sensitive to sweaty butts.  I have a friend who gets an out and out T shape on the back of his britches when his booty gets juicy.  I don't think it has anything to do with you having to go tinkle - only that this is the time you stop to check out your pert little ass in the mirror.  Make sure your underpanties are all natural fibers - cotton is best - and try to air out your hiney as best as possible.  Now go wash your hands.

  Bumpy Bald Bunny
My girlfriend recently asked me to shave my groin, and thinking it wouldn't be any problem, I went home and did it. Now... knowing that any stubble at all there would be VERY uncomfortable, I tried my best to make sure there was none. Unfortanetly, now the area above the... uh... root? of the penis is VERY irritated.  There's little red spots all over, and a lot of them seem to be developing into little zits. Is this normal?  I'm thinking I should let the hair grow back out, but the stubble is a real bitch... I'm not sure if the irritation is from stubble up there, from my shitty shave job, or what... I know it's not any kind of VD, you know, being a virgin and all makes that somewhat difficult to accomplish. So should I just keep shaving the area (if i decide to keep it like this I'll start getting it waxed...) or should I just let it grow out and deal with the incredible discomfort for a week or however long it'll take? All the irritation is right over the bladder area and on the the legs, so it's not like my penis is in incredible pain, but the whole area hurts and/or itches all the time...

Normal, yeah.  Fun, no.  Welcome to razor burn.  For some people, this is just a fact of life when it comes to shaving your hunka hunka boinin lub - continuing to shave over the irritation will just make it worse.  Make sure that you've followed Mynx's Steps For A Perfect Crotch Shave: 1) Soak the area in a nice hot tub for fifteen minutes.  2) Lather up with a very good shaving cream.  3) Pull the skin taut and, using a new, sharp razor (I like the Mach 3), shave in one direction.  I would recommend letting the hair grow back out - give it a good 4 to 6 weeks - and then make an appointment at a salon that specializes in Brazillian Wax.  You'll be so bare and smooth your nads will absolutely WHISTLE while you walk.

   What Is It With All  The Shaving?
Dear mynx, this is gonna sound weird. I don't know, maybe I was bored or something, but once I took a razor upon my hairy legs and began to shave. I don't know why, but after that when my hairless legs really felt good when brushed up against clothes or bed sheets. I had the added bonus of feeling good whatever I was doing, from playing quake to just simple walking. Here's my questions though, Do woman have this same feeling with hairless legs? Are there men who wax/shave their legs? or am I an oddball? Should I just forget the labels put on us by society and just go with what I like to do? Any advice appreciate, because I would love to be a hairless leg freak.


Oh yeah, you're an oddball all right.  But, uh.. hey, as I always say, whatever yanks your panties down, namsayn?  Go ahead and shave your legs if you like how they feel, just be sure that you follow up with a nice moisturizer, like Eucerin.  Personally, I have always enjoyed the feeling of freshly shaved and moisturized legs sliding under the bedsheets.  I say, go with what you like!  If being a hairless leg freak makes your billygoat grunt, then by god, man, shave!

   Penis Size!
My boyfriend of three years and I had a talk this morning. Actually, I talked, he looked at me. Two weeks ago he told me he didn't see a future with me. Hurt as I was, I figured he just wanted space and so we talked. I said space would be best for the both of us and reassured him that I still want to hear about his life and be friendly. Then I asked him what he thought and he said he agreed about needing space, then he kissed my hand, smiled and said "Its been a good three years, almost no complaints." I stared at him incredulously as he made idle talk and got his things to go.  Its almost ten hours later and I am still confused. Since he was so reticient I don't know if we're having space to think or "broken up" space. I was prepared for something more emotional than this.  Is it right to ask him what out status is? I'm too bewildered to even understand where our "relationship" is right now.

Your "relationship" is, in a word, "over".  He was telling you that he will always look back fondly on the last three years, and that he is okay with moving on.  He is not going to talk shit about you to his friends or pine away and hate you forever.  The three years were well spent.  You made him happy.  He enjoyed your friendship, your company, and your ewok.  I'm sure he really enjoyed the ewok.  But, alas, all good things come to an end.  Good luck on the "lets just be friends" thing.  It never works out. 

   Rub My Pipe!  My RAD Pipe!
When I play Quake I like to pretend that I can really rub the guns.  I hold a metal pipe in my lap and when I have a free hand I reach down and pet it so that it really feels like I have a big gun.  Do you think this is odd or is it just another way to enjoy gameplay?

So, let me get this straight.  You're simply sitting there playing Quake, rubbing a metal pipe that you've perched upon your lap?  You're not, say, dousing it in lube and stroking it?  You're not inserting parts of yourself into it, or vice versa?  You're not calling it "melissa" and talking to it, right?  Right.  Okay.  I, uh.. I guess I don't really see any troublesome issues, here.  Much.


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