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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | My love for you is like a truck

   

Got problems with your girlfriend because she can't take your constant Quake playing? Are you finding yourself just a little too attracted to the game models? Then talk to Mynx and she'll sort it all out for you!

This Week:  Yay!  You people really are sick and twisted.  I love it!

  llamas
hey mynx whats up!?! me and my friend really love planet quake.....we were wondering if it was for sale?!?! were not really into the gamespy network just planet quake!! we got $11 what u say we have a deal? if we don't have a deal we will make our own planet quake and drive ur ass in to the mud!


Ever hear the expression "eat a bag of ass"?  No?  Well, eat a bag of ass.  You couldn't get in on this action for less than $14.99.

  Warm and Squishy
My thanks to you Mynx for an awesome column.  OK, I've been going out with this girl for almost 6 months now.  We've just started going out on real dates, but this is where the confustion comes in.  How do interpret her signals?  How badly would I be beaten if I, for lack of a better term, grabbed a mellon?  You women are all so confusing.

Well, I, for one, would probably punch you in the ear.  It is generally considered bad form to just reach over and honk a hooter.  You don't just go around playing Tune In Tokoyo without asking!  Usually you should be in some sort of romantic heavy petting type of situation before you start checking the melons for ripeness.  Some kissing, some caressing, some handcuffs.. you get the idea. 

  Hairy Nerds
Dearest Mynx, I have a problem. I'm 18 years of age, and spend entirely too much time inside. I'm a mix of everything european, brown hair and eyes. My problem is that my hermit lifestyle leads me to an albino-like state of skincolor. (Farmer's tan, actually- pasty white everywhere but the elbows on down and the neckline on up.) My armhair and bodyhair just.... isn't very sporting at all. It's high-contrast and wiry and... ick. You can see the roots going into my milky-translucent gamer skin.  I was wondering if you could delve deep into your vast cosmetic river of knowledge and find me a method of thinning my bodyhair, softening it, lightening it, or training it not to grow as long. Something. Please. Anything but long and wiry.


My dear, I'm afraid there is not much you can do, short of removing the hair from the root.  Yes, you read correctly.  Wax.  In most cases, if you wax off your hair, when it grows in it will appear finer and less coarse than before.  The length of your body hair is predetermined by your genetic makeup - it will only grow so long.  I would recommend a good full body waxing, followed by 10 weeks of regrowth, followed by another waxing.  That should do a good bit toward making your body hair less icky.  And, even if it doesn't, at least you have provided me with a good 10 weeks of entertainment!

  Spoogewell Runneth Dry?
Um... I have a problem with my little soldier. I arouse him every day, once in the morning and possibly twice in the evenings. Anyway, is it true that there is only a certain amount of live ammunition he can fire???  Please help, I'm distressed. I like the idea of a family, and this really
could put an end to this notion.. 


Nope!  Nuh uh!  Bzzt, wrong-o!  Here's how your ween0r works: 
Once the spermies are formed in your nads, they move through the tubeys to a long, squiggley tunnel that sits on the rear of your testes.  Here the spermers receive the finishing touches and can be stored for 18 hours to 10 days, and become capable of hurling themselves forward. Then the sperm hit the vas deferens, a long tubey thing that goes up over your bladder.  If you don't wank, "old" sperm are reabsorbed into your body to make room for "new" ones.  Your "normal" average Quake nerd male will make about 300 million mature sperm per day. The volume of goo and the number of swimmies depend on the length of time between yanks.  The aforementioned average Quake nerd load contains about 180 million sperm.  So, feel bettar.  You're making sperm all the time, even right this very minute, and you will continue to do so well into the future.  Fear not.  You aren't wasting a thing.

  Hairy Nerds
Dear Mynx, My husband plays Quake every night and he's pretty l33t and all, but how can I improve his vocabulary while he's blowing shit up?  Right now his screams are limited to such glittering gems of wit as "bitch-ass bitch!", "eat my fuck", "for fuck's shit", and the eloquent "ddduuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaathhhhhppbblt".   Please help!  The neighbors are starting to ridicule
his limited capacity for insults.  How can I get him to cuss like a man whilst Quaking?.


My dear, if there is one thing I have learned, it is that you cannot make a man from a llama.  Sorry.  The best you can hope for is to set a good example and hope that he picks up on your proper behavior.