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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | BERZERKER

   

Got problems with your girlfriend because she can't take your constant Quake playing? Are you finding yourself just a little too attracted to the game models? Then talk to Mynx and she'll sort it all out for you!

This Week:  Lots of dicks, this week!  What could be finer?!

  How To Count Like A Woman
All right mynx. This questions might seem a little perverted but I'm gonna ask you anyway.  I see all those sizes for measuring women, like 36-34-36 and C Cup. What the heck does all this mean? well, I know the cup thingy, but what does all three numbers mean?


I love it when geeks have no clue about girls.  It makes me giggle in that Goldie Hawn has had too much to drink type way.  Okay - these three numbers refer to three different measurements on a woman.  The first typically refers to the measurement of the chest, just above the fullest part of the hootang.  The second number is the waist measurement, taken above the navel but below the ribcage, and the last number in the trio is the hip measurement.  Lets you know how much funk is in girlfriend's trunk, if ya namsayn. 

  Penis Bumpies!
Its kinda of embarrassing to broadcast my problems all over the net, but if it means that you will help me, it is worth the pain.  I have these strange red bumps on my willy, (cut the crap and get to the point) I don't have any on my conos, or the base of my penis, because they tend to stay near the head.  They are really annoying.  Whenever I whip it out, they are really easy to see.  with great pain, I have tried popping them, but to no avail.  They keep coming back.  And if I can bear the pain to pop one it gets red and inflamed.  I don't really want to take it to a dermatologist and get it looked at, so I thought I'd ask you. Other than the embarrassing factor, they don't itch or burn, but my girlfriend has noticed.  I know it isn't herpes or anything, could you please help me. These is my darkest times, I need your help!  get me out of this jam and I'll love you forever.

Sometimes, people have what is called "sensitive skin" - this means that your skin is reacting to... something, that is causing it to get irritated.  It could be the detergent your mommy is using to wash your panties, it could be the parfum your girlfriend is dabbing on her bellybutton, it could be any number of things.  Your first course of action is to get mama to switch to a fragrance free detergent, and buy gentle type soap for the shower (such as Dove).  Keep all fragrance and dye laden things away from your porkenshnerker.  You could try a tiny dab of hydrocortisone cream once or twice a day, for about three days, and see if that helps.  If your little lumps of love don't clear up after trying the above, and you are still bothered, I'm afraid you'll have to penis whip a doctor and get some further advice.

  Scrotal Moisture
ok here is the deal i have a somewhat i dunno it seems like how skin appears after it has been sunburnt appeal to my groin its only been the past couple of days and it hasnt gone away and whats worse know all the scrotum has dry skin :( i really need help if it will help you i wear boxers and live somewhere near coffs harbour in nsw in aus PLZ PLZ PLZ HELP.


Well somehow I don't think that dry saq is something affecting 99% of all Australian males, but thank you for telling us where you live.  I'm betting you are not drinking enough water - you should be consuming at least 64 ounces a day of WATER, not soda or spooge or tea - and you could try a nice gentle moisturizer on your poor little nads.  Use olive oil if you can't find anything without fragrance.  Oh, and keep your hands off for the time being.. you don't need to be shuffling the muffler when it is in this condition.

  Dryknuckling
Dear Mynx, I have a question I've been pondering for a while. How the hell do circumcised guys jack off? I mean, my tip is so sensitive it hurts if I merely touch it; I couldn't even imagine manhandling it without the protective foreskin. Not only is it protective, it's lots of fun too. You can pull it and stretch it and love it! Anyway, do you know the answer?  


Unfortunately, circumcised guys don't have that kind of sensitivity at all.  The foreskin is there to protect the glans, keep it moist and tender and juicy, not unlike a nice yummy steak!  When the foreskin is removed at birth, from that moment foreword, the head of the penis is constantly in contact with materials - diapers, clothing, etc.  It is usually dry and somewhat desensitized, compared to the intact penis.  Whereas a guy with a foreskin typically slides it up and down whilst wanking, foreskinless men obviously can't do this.  Most just grip the gristle in their hand, and slide said hand up and down.  Many guys will use some sort of lubricant, however many will just do this "dry".  Now you know.

  Hairy Nerds
Love your column - that's enough sun shine. Here's the deal - I played Q3A for the first time on the weekend (i know, i know, but cartoons and beer have kept me busy for the last....some??...months.) Anyways, i spent the friday/saturday playing quake with a few of my mates, then saturday night and sunday shagging the hell out of this girl I've been seeing for about six weeks. In between bumping uglies, though, all i could think about was quake...so i played quake and drank beer.  I know what you're thinking - "What's the problem there?" There isn't one. Just wanted to point out that i spent the weekend playing Q3A, having stupid amounts of tremendous sex, and drinking excellent Tasmanian beer.

Thanks for your time and patience.

I have printed this letter if only to give hope to the thousands of Quake geeks out there.  You're a good man, leading a GOOD life.  It makes me so proud! I'm all choked up!