Got problems with your girlfriend because she can't take
your constant Quake playing? Are you finding yourself just
a little too attracted to the game models? Then talk
to Mynx and she'll sort it all out for you!
A guy going bald, the hardy har hard morning wood, what to do when wanking ruins your life, what girls think about wanking, do orgasms hurt, some girl is a freak, and what to do about a sore yonii. The Embarrassment Spotlight is BACK, baybee.. and in fitting with this week's column, the ES is all about WANKING!
They Call It "Disruptoritis"
I have a big problem. I've just turned 18, and my hairline is so far back it's really scary. My hair is thinning out at an
alarming speed. At this rate, I'll be completely bald by the time I turn 19. Many of my friends have begun noticing and
commenting on it (damn you!) and needlessly to say this has made me pretty depressed. Not that I've exactly been extremely open
and out-going before it started happening but it certainly hasn't helped. I'm a virgin and just recently got my first kiss (both parts
were extremely drunk, I might add). The scariest thing is, that I'm actually pretty good looking (at least before my hair started to come
off), and pretty muscular. Just goes to show that looks aren't everything I guess. My father is really old looking for his age and I fear I'll be going down that road
What to do? Some days I just pretend noone notices but then some loser comes along and mentions it, hurling me down into
depression again. I suppose this is something most men has to deal with at some point, but at the age of 18?? I just feel cheated
of my best years. I fear I'll never find a girlfriend able to accept it. I really don't know what kind of answer I'm expecting but anything would be
Rogaine is sold over the counter these days, so you could give it a try. Sometimes, for some folks, it works. Most of the time, it doesn't. Girls don't care one way or another. Your best bet is to either take to wearing headcovers exclusively (think Carlos Santana, Brett Michaels, Paul Simon...) or shave your head. A nice bald head is quite in fashion these days. If you don't shave it totally bald (which requires actually SHAVING your head) try a very close cropped buzz cut. Think Tycho of Penny Arcade - a shaved head suits him nicely, it may suit you nicely too. If you ask me, (and hey, you did!) nothing looks dumber than a balding guy with long hair. Just.. don't do it.
Hardest Substance Known To Mankind
I'm 16 years old and I guess you could say I'm nearly through with the puberty stage. I'm just wondering, first off I can't sleep without covers on anymore in the hot summer because I tend to wake up with a hard on from hell in the morning or even in the middle of the night, and I don't think it'd be too great for my parents to walk in with me sleeping in bed, pitching a tent in my boxers. What's the deal with that? Will it go away? Also, my friends and I, were talking about the size of our meat. I don't know if my friends are bluffing or not, but from what they've said, their penises are substantially larger than mine. I'm only about maybe 4 inches or so with a stiffy, is that about average size for the age of 16? Will it grow? I know from straight talk with some girls on the net that they prefer big ones. I'd love to receive some advice from you, as for I have read the article for quite some time now, and I can tell you're a repository of information. Thanks ;)
First, your morning nubbin: Say it with me now.. "NORMAL". Your parents are well aware of what morning wood is, in fact your father more than likely still gets it himself. It is a boy thing. Boys from 1 to 100 get stiffies when they wake up - it is just part of having a winkie. It won't go away, unless you for some reason stop having a schmekkie... and, uh.. I don't see that one really happening, so just accept, and move on.
Secondly - um.. your friends aren't bluffing. Heh. You're a little smaller than average, but, yes, you are only sixteen and one could hope you do have a bit of a chance to do some more growing.
Wanking Ruins His Life
I'm going to skip to it. This isn't the usual 'dear Mynx' letter sorry. Well maybe it is you just don't print these types? I dunno. Anyway. I have this wierd I dunno..'thing'. Happens every time I spank the monkey, but it ain't physical. You see everytime I masterbate, something bad will happen (no ejaculation is not counted as bad.)
Let me expand. The first time I masterbated, the day later my Grandfather died. I did it again and I broke my arm that night. I then did it again, nothing happened (damn that was good). This was when I was 14. Now I'm 16, I can honestly say I have not masterbated without something bad happening. Theres been bad stuff like knife accidents, car crashes and bad quakle playing (probably due to lack of skill - but hey). And it's not just in my head. When I don't jack off everythings fine (I even got a girlfriend once, but she dumped me 2 weeks later after I masterbated). I am cursed. I know that much. I think maybe some sick supreme being hates me getting sexual plesure.
I want your advice (obviously). Please don't tell me I'm a loony, it's not just my head! It's too uniform to be that! Please, I don't know what to do and I'm getting really horny, but I think I'll die if I whack the wookie again! What am I going to do?
Okay, here is the thing. Crappy stuff would happen to you regardless of the wanking. That's just life - shit happens, dig? The wanking is merely coincidental. You wank, something bad happens, so you then abstain. Just about the time you are due for your next Bad Thing(tm) to happen, you lose your resolve and pull a porkerstroker. The bad thing was already due and shows up anyway, freaking you out. If you sit and wank at a red light, the light will still eventually turn green, without relation to your dick. I promise. You could start worrying that every time you shower or every time you eat cheese, something rotten would happen. I'm afraid I'm going to have to tell you just what you don't want to hear - it is all in your head.
What Do We Think?
What do girls think about guys uhhh...you know...slapping the monkey? I mean, do they have a "tisk..he must be pretty desperate" or more like a "hmmm...i wonder how big his is?" when they know a guy's been wanking?
I can honestly say that I have never thought "hmm.. I wonder how big his weenor is?" when I hear about a guy who has been wanking. I mean, well, actually I would wonder that ANYWAY, but not directly because of the monkeyspankage. Most girls would sort of giggle from some embarrassment because not a lot of girlie girls want to talk about that, but many will just sort of shrug and think "yeah, so?". Because guys wank.. that is just the way it is. You know it. Girls know it.. and we know that you know we know it.. you know?
No Sploo Sploo For You!
I'm your average 15 year old. Except in the penis department. I've never ejaculated, and I'm not joking ::hangs his head in shame::. I don't know whats wrong; when I masturbate, I'll get to climax, then, I'll stop. I feel a wave or something in my gut, but I just can't make myself go further, and I stop. I guess it's because I see in movies when men ejaculate, it semes that they're in pain, and this might contribute. Can you explain what it feels like (god knows how you'd know, though) what it should feel like? Please.
Well, just a second. I live with a male, I'll go ask him. Okay, Mental says "it feels like when a rubber band snaps. Like there is build up build up build up.. stretching the rubber band, and then it snaps!" He also says that it does not hurt. In fact, since I have been witness to a good number of his orgasms ;) I can attest that it is quite the opposite.
He is standing behind me still saying "it doesn't hurt at ALL, no" heh.
Try it, you'll like it.
She's A Supafreak
I know a girl that wears underwear under her bathing suit bottom. What does that mean about her? Is she self-concious or what?
Ok, that is just WEIRD. Weird and WRONG. Tell her I said so.
Her Yonii Hurts, Ow!
I love you(r column) -- but not as much as my girlfriend. About a month a go, I started rubbing ya' know down there over her clothes, which in turn made her, ya' know and stuff. But out of the seven or so times we've done that, four have been in the last week. However, now there's little problem. Tonight on the phone she said that her clit was swollen and that has never happened to her before and she doesn’t know what to do or what is wrong. Can you please help?
The clitoris is a very sensitive little hunk of girlness, by design. If it wasn't sensitive we'd run into a whole lot of trouble, if ya namsayn. There is nothing wrong - you guys just need to lay off of the nubrubbin for a few days until the inflammation dies down. Tell her to wear breathable cotton unders, she can use a cold compress if she wants to, and in fact a nice bath with a bit of lavender essential oil might be soothing as well. Just give her a few days to heal, you animal. ;)
It happened about five years ago and my hormones were raging monsters who would not leave me alone. My dad, mom and I were on a road trip to Wakulla Springs, which is this really heavenly place about 150-200 miles east of where we live. I was 17 and always thinking about the girlies.
Suddenly I got an idea; what if I went to the back seat of our van... could I 'pull it off' in about 2-3 minutes, just sitting there, with the seat in front of me blocking my parents' view of me? Couldn't hurt to try, huh? Boy was I wrong.
So about a minute later I'm rapidly fisting mr. winky and gasping, moaning and acting generally like someone very aroused; only more quietly. Suddenly my mom looked straight back at me; maybe she heard something? AHHHHHHHHHHH! My face was so red, both from effort and from embarrassment.
End result: I got a stern talking-to from my parents, both of whom are opposed to ANY kind of sex outside of marriage (even with yourself), and I couldn't masturbate for about four weeks after we got back. Sheltering, domineering parents suck, but I still shouldn't have been meeting the captain when I was just 15-20 feet from my parents!
Keep It Coming!
This column would be nothing without you, gentle reader, so please - continue to send in your traumas and your embarrassing moments. I'll love you for it like a cheap hooker.