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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | Wang
   

Got problems with your girlfriend because she can't take your constant Quake playing? Are you finding yourself just a little too attracted to the game models? Then talk to Mynx and she'll sort it all out for you!

This Week: Obnoxious donkeyholes, what happens when you don't know your girlfriend's name, what constitutes loss of virginity, learn how to shave, loving mynx, and a big stinky poop of an Embarrassment Spotlight! Gotcher hash pipe?

 

  I'm Afraid of Americans

I'm portuguese (for those who think Portugal is in South America, think again! Portugal is in Europe!), 17 years old, and a reader of your great collumn. I don't have any problem of mine to tell, but it's like this: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AMERICANS AND THE CHURCH????? It seems you guys are all idealists and adore the church!

I don't understand! Really! Church forbids using of condoms, they totaly ban any way of progress and spend all money building MORE AND MORE worshiping sites (churches, chapels, etc... you'll have to excuse me for the typos, if any...).

Because we are a nation of capitalist greedy obnoxious donkeyholes. We can suck up all the world's natural resources, treat people like crap, elect idiots to run our country, but we'll all claim to love god and build great expensive $34 million dollar waterslides for Jesus, so we can pretend to be absolved. God bless you.

 

  I Love You.. What's Your Name Again?

I hate 2 admit this but... I have a girlfriend n I don't even know her name !!! I'm serious! This is FAR being a joke, it's 100% not funny! I do have 1 excuse that we had to speak to each other in Vietnamese. Our parents made us. My origin is Vietnamese. But I didn't know how 2 say " What is yur name? " in Vietnamese. Still, that's not a very good excuse cuz she's my girlfriend !!! I should have done better !!! Like whisper in her ear ( in English ) " What is yur name? ". But Mynx, I want 2 hear from u, what would u suggest me to do the next time I meet her?

Yow, arranged relationships? Maybe you're better off not talking to her, honey. Just let the mystique last a little longer. Okay, if you're not willing to do that.. your parents set this thing up, ask them. I'm sure they caught her name when they were having her signed over to you for breeding. Ask your mother.

 

  The Big V!

Hey Mynx I had a quick question about what qualifies you as a virgin. I asked a couple of my friends about it but they dont know either. Anywho, I put tab A in slot B (as you would say) but I didnt cum and neither did she. Am I still technically a virgin? Thanks

Sweetcheeks, if lack of female orgasm constituted virginity there would be a whole entire slew of female virgins walking this earth.. married, porn stars, cheerleaders, prom queens.. you name it. The simple act of introducing one's penis to a vagina ("hi there, lovely to meat you, having a nice day? how's the weather in there? so good to get to know you!") constitutes loss of virginity. So, my friend, you are No Longer A Virgin. Your turkeyburger is now deflowered. Or uh.. yeah. Congratulations!

 

  Long Luscious HAIR

I'm in need of a few facts... I'm at that age where my facial hair is 'there' enough to see, but not 'there' enough to be a cool-looking goatee or sideburns, if you know what I mean. So instead of keeping it and looking like a desperate teen trying to look older with facial hair, I wanna shave it. Problem is, though, that I wouldn't have a clue how to. I don't really want to ask my parents "Mom, dad, show me how to shave." We've got disposable razors up the wazoo because my mom buys them for me and my dad, and I guess they both just expect that I know how to do it. But as far as I know we don't have any shaving cream around. My dad's got an electric shaver, is it safe for me to use it too? Or is it unclean to share a razor like that?

You need to shave it, yes. There is nothing yuckier than peachfuzz hair on teenage boys. It just looks grody. You really should ask your dad to teach you how, though, because that's kind of one of those dad rites of passage things. A man expects to teach his son to shave, you'd be denying him a big moment in fatherhood if you don't ask him. You shouldn't be sharing a razor with anyone for hygiene reasons - when you shave not only is hair cut off but there is a risk of cutting and bleeding, getting blood and yuck in the razor, however tiny the amount, as well as sloughed off skin cells. Just not something you should do. Plus, it makes the razor dull faster.. and your wispy weeny hair will be harder on the razor than your dad's big manstubble. I once shaved my legs with Mental's razor and he cut his face to ribbons the next day. Doh. I didn't do that again.

If you refuse to ask your dad for help, please refer to Learn2.com. They have a thorough tutorial on how to get a nice clean close shave. Mmm. There is nothing better than kissing a freshly shaved man. Yummy!

 

  Uhhh.. Unga Lunga!

You. Me. Quake Tree Arena. Bang. Boom. Up. Down. Hard. Hot. Yes. YES!

No.

 

  Embarrassment Spotlight
Thanks to Brenton Borge for sharing his pain. :)

My story takes place when I was a kid. It was summertime and the power in my family's apartment was knocked out in a thunderstorm. Sometime that afternoon, log after the store had passed, I felt the need to take a dump. At the time, my mom believed that the toilet wouldn't flush if the power was out, and, since I was a kid of only 7 years, I believed her. Since my need was urgent, she proceeded to tell me of an alternate means to defacate...

I took our small bathroom trashcan, lined it with two plastic grocery store bags, and proceeded to do my business. When I was done, I had to run tie up and run the two bags out to the neighborhood trash dumpster.

The path to the trash dumpster directly crossed through the playground where all the kids were out playing. I figured they would never know what I was throwing away since the combined bags were opaque, so I courageously donned my flip flops and made my way out to the dumpster.

Then, the most horribly embarassing thing happened: From the window of my apartment, my older brother shouts out loudly, "Brent's carrying shit to the dumpster!!!"

Mere yards from the dumpster, right in the middle of the playground, in the midst of my peers, I froze in horror. The kids looked at me, some laughing while others looked at the bag I was carrying in disgusted terror.

Instinctively, I chucked the bag into the thankfully already-opened dumpster and turned to run back home, except I was wearing flip flops. I tripped and fell mid-way, adding to the children's laughter. My brother chimed in from the window.

I quickly kicked off my flip-flops and ran the rest of the way back barefoot.

I spent the remainder of that summer vacation lying to the kids about what was really in the bag, insisting that my brother was only joking, but they still believed him over me. It was awful.

 

  Keep It Coming!

This column would be nothing without you, gentle reader, so please - continue to send in your traumas and your embarrassing moments. I'll love you for it like a cheap hooker.

 


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