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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | Rerun!
   

THIS WEEK: It's my 25th birthday (2/12/74), and I'm throwing my own little Dear Mynx birthday party! Whee! This issue is chock full of some of my all time favorite Embarrassment Spotlights, containing everything from Paul Steed's w00d to Tom Hall's flatulence. Cut the cake and pop the champagne, I'm ready to party!

  February 5, 1998
"As a guy in his teens, I was prone - like most of the other walking hormones around me - to (ahem) sudden "attacks of rigidity" at the most inconvenient moments.  When I was a senior in high school I had to stand up and read a passage from some poetry book we were studying.

With everyone staring at me intently I just sat there when it came my turn to read because I was ah, was "with wood" so to speak.  The teacher insisted that I "rise" from my chair, so I did.  Not much I could do to cover up since the poem had to be read from memory.  So, I read.  The hard way.

No one let me live that one down for a looong time."  

          -Paul Steed

  February 12, 1998
"When I was in the first grade I was a little goody two-shoes.  Because of this, my teacher appointed me girls' bathroom monitor.  As the bathroom monitor, I was required to stand outside the bathroom and keep and eye on everyone coming in and out until they were all done going. Of course one of the rules for the bathroom monitors was that we were not allowed to use the bathroom until everyone else was done.  On Wednesday of my first week, I stood in front of the bathroom eagerly waiting for the other kids to finish.

I suddenly realized, I had to pee REALLY BAD.  After a few minutes my legs started shaking and all I could hear was water running and toilets flushing.  Regardless, I was determined not to abandon my post!  I bent over and danced around and more kids came and went, and before I knew it I felt a small, warm stream running down my leg.

Thinking quickly, I hoped up and sat on the edge of the hand washing sink.  As more kids passed by I let it all fly right through my Winnie the Poo undies.  When I was done, I rinsed out the sink, stood up, and waited for everyone to go back in the classroom.  I ran into the bathroom, pulled off my Winnie the Poo undies, rung them out, and crumpled them up into a little ball.  I ran back into the classroom and stuffed them into the dark recesses of my desk.  Later that day my teacher took me out into the hallway and asked me why I had not told her I needed to go so bad -- I guess the smell had given my secret away!  I explained about the importance of the bathroom monitor and all, but she didn't buy it.

She sent me home sans underwear to a very pissed off mom.  That's a day my family will never let me live down!"  

          -Stevie "KillCreek" Case

  February 19, 1998
"This embarrassing occasion happened during my first year at Apogee, while I was visiting an old girlfriend in Santa Barbara.  Any of you who have lived in Southern California long enough know that you tend to see movie and TV celebrities running about doing their normal life business.  It can be quite cool sometimes …it can also be quite embarrassing!

My girlfriend and I were in a Drug Store on a late Saturday afternoon.  We were cruising up and down the aisles looking for something or another and made a quick turn into the next aisle.  At the same time a bald, visor-clad gentleman walked straight into my girlfriend as he came in the opposite direction.  I mention these two characteristics in particular because that’s all we really saw; this shiny head haloed by a blue sports visor.  He looked like someone trying to follow train tracks or something as he walked staring only at the ground.  However, as he passed, the corner of her hand basket caught the hurrying shopper square in the groin!  He huffed a painful "Oooof!" and looked up long enough for me to realize that I definitely knew who this dude was!  This guy was one of the captains on one of the new Star Treks!

My girlfriend and I apologized as he scurried off, not saying a word.  We continued to the next aisle and she started reading labels on whatever we were there to buy… you know the story, guys, me standing there wondering just how long it’s gonna take to buy a bottle of whatever… anyway, within a minute or two we were back-to-back with our clandestine victim.  He had swung back around again from the other end of the aisle and we stood looking at the shelves in one direction while he, who I now know was Patrick Stewart, stood looking in the opposite just behind us. I couldn’t for the life of me remember his real name at the time, though.  Feeling a bit star-struck, as well as genuinely sorry for the ramming incident, I said "My god!  That’s Bill Shattner!" in a voice loud enough for the entire aisle to hear.

I thought it was pretty damn funny when I rehearsed it in my head, and it sounded even funnier to me when I actually vocalized it… but no one else did… especially Mr. Stewart! He looked around and peered a death stare straight at me like some alien from one of his shows!  I will never forget the chill that ran down my spine, and then back up again. 

I was truly embarrassed"  

          -levelord

  March 19, 1998
"Well, being so perfect, the only time I've ever been marginally embarrassed was when I was but a little thumb, and a newly-wakened, heavily addicted one at that...

It all began one bright Saturday morning.  Being a young thumb, I truly enjoyed watching Saturday morning cartoons.  However, my mother felt rather strongly that only a certain amount of television watching was good for a growing thumb such as myself.  Not being completely dumb, I had devised a way to watch as much boob-toobage as I could stand (which was a lot!)... I simply watched it at a friend's house inhabited by a less watchful mother.

Now, at this time in my life, Jeff was my best friend and lived across the street and down two houses.  Very convenient for catching up on the latest mishaps of Scooby Doo or watching Fred Flintstone wear his feet out.  Jeff was 9 years old, and for whatever reason, chose to hang out with me, a 6 year old thumb.  I think it must have been my cool console, an Atari 2600.  Jeff also had an older brother and an older sister, both so much older and bigger that I can't even remember their ages -- they were just big. (You know how that age is)

Anyway, this bright Saturday morning I woke up in a panic...I had overslept! Precious cartoon time was slipping through my very fingers!  Bounding out of the bed, faster than a speeding bullet, I ran through the house, across the street, and into Jeff's garage.  Breathing heavily, I banged loudly on the door, anxiously pacing while I waited for the opportunity to rot my young mind.

Luckily, Jeff's sister heard my knock and pleas for help.  Yet, for some mysterious reason, she nearly fell over laughing when she opened the door.  I didn't really care (who knew why big people did what they did, anyway?), and rushed inside, more powerful than a locomotive.  Again, I heard peals of laughter, and noticed in passing that Jeff's older brother was also helplessly laughing.  I leaped up the stairs in a single bound and plopped myself on the couch alongside Jeff, just in time for a commercial.

After a single glance, Jeff, too, was chuckling.  I just didn't get it.  I mean, sure, I was out of breath... but who wouldn't be after their TV-deprived body had madly dashed across the neighborhood?

It was then that I glanced down and noticed what I was wearing.  A pair of Superman Underoos.  That was all.  Hurt and red-faced, I rapidly retreated from TV-land back to planet Krypton to heal my battered soul."  

          -Don "onethumb" MacAskill

  April 2, 1998
"It all started as an innocent attempt to be somewhat cool amongst my third grade peers.  Some of the girls on the playground were debating who should get to play with the limited number of playground balls handed out at recess.& ; Overhearing their discussion of balls, I remembered some TV show where a "cool guy" had done something that made him an instant hit with all his friends.& ; Hey, who says kids don't imitate TV!?& ; I proceeded to get the attention of the girls fighting for the playground balls.& ; I quickly unzipped my pants and removed my unit for all the girls to see.& ; I made sure to get full attention from all those involved before firmly grasping my two best friends and stating loudly "You mean these balls?!"

The response I got was far from what was remembered in the TV show, but good enough to keep me happy.& ; Much whispering and laughing ensued, and certain kids disappeared to inform the playground officials about my little display.& ; As usual in these situations, my scheming brain had conceived the perfect alibi to give the playground monitor. This time something was different, and for some sick reason I decided to own up to my actions.& ; When the playground monitor asked me if I had exposed myself to my classmates, I proudly declared that yes I had!& ; The look on the playground monitors face was a little more than shocked.

Anyhow, the next few hours in the principal's office resulted in a 3 day suspension for indecent exposure, in the third grade, mind you.& ; My punishment was having to write "I will never expose myself in public again" 1000 times (ala Bart Simpson on the chalkboard.)& ; I tend to think that if I hadn't moved out of Washington state a few years later I would still be suffering the consequences of that ingenious little move.& ; Although I do recall having a small following in middle school with the girls as the "psycho trouble making dude" that bared all back in the day."  

          - "Paradox" Mustaine

  September 24, 1998
"Hmmmm...let's see, well, the first one that comes to mind from an extremely embarrassed life would be in fourth grade math class.  I left my homeroom with Miss Schwacher and headed to my math class.  I think I'd just gotten done with lunch, which consisted (for most of my primary education) of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, carrots, and milk.  It was mid-class, I was on a Skippy sugar high, and I was diggin' them fractions.

Suddenly, the need came upon me.  I needed to break wind.  Badly.  There wasn't time to be excused, so I went for the One-Cheek Bench Sneak.  I took my time to be very careful and ease the pressure slowly, so I could invoke the SBD: Silent But Deadly.  Well, I didn't think it was going to be deadly, but I was for sure gonna make it silent.

And so I began my intestinal subterfuge.  But this wasn't your average collection of methane gas--it had aspirations.  This was the Mariah Carey of digestive rumblings, and it had incredible determination to be heard.  Rather than a quiet,  inaudible "foof", I believe it hit high C at roughly 90 decibels.  And not just a quick squeak that I could look around and deny.  This was like 10 to 15 seconds of hitting the high note of an aria.  This was a bring-the-house down kind of note.  Everyone in the class had plenty of time to triangulate and hone in on the source.

Like a sudden waterfall, the class burst into laughter.  I was beet-red with embarrassment.  I glanced at the teacher, who tried to ignore it and continue, but there was a smirk like "I'm gonna tell them in the teacher's lounge later".  But after the initial embarrassment, I kind of just laughed with everyone, because, I mean, it was SO loud and SO high that it was preposterous!

Luckily, I didn't get a nickname from the event (especially with the name Thomas "A. Hall"), and no one brought it up afterward, but it will stick in my mind as the one time in school when I really had everyone's attention.  Perhaps I'll try it sometime in an unruly Anachronox meeting."  

          -Tom Hall


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