Quakescopes for February 17 - February 23, 2003
A week's worth of gaming guidance!
by a madman
Bonus Feature: Personalized Desktop Readings by a madman! That's
right, it's a chance to show off your l33tness and have your 'digital palm' read
at the same time! Just send in a screenshot,
and every week the lucky winners will be profiled on page 2 of the QuakeScopes!
What more could you ask for (except for quad, haste and three dozen rockets!)
Note: Desktop readings are for entertainment only, and should not be used for
financial or romantic advice. Please consult your physicial before reading.
Don't forget to find out the basics of your sign in the Quake Astrology Guide!
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): If you've contemplated travel, now is the
time to go for it. Don't take the time to call in sick for work or phone your
relatives, because the police are on their way right now. Just grab the cash,
gas up the car, and hit the road. On the other hand, your rail game is red-hot
this week, and if you live to see Thursday it's likely you'll see some invitations
to instagib clans. Turn them down - you'll realize why next week.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): A failure to take your medication this
week could result in unfortunate consequences. However, that vague sense of
dread you've been having for the past few days will turn out to be just
indigestion. If at first you don't succeed, quit taking it out on your keyboard.
It does so much, it asks for so little. Try some base defense in CTF this
week... you might just discover an unnatural fondness for camping.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): Don't take financial advice from unsocicited
commercial e-mail this week. Also, stay away from large black dogs if you wish
to avoid an embarassing situation. A trip to a secondhand store will result
in several useful acquisitions, if you're willing to spend the time looking.
Just make sure you check the other side of things for blood stains. In Quake,
the name of the game this week is spam. If you can get your hands on
the grenades or a rocket launcher, you'll be an unstoppable killing machine. In
fact, you'll be so deadly that most of the other players leave the server in
disgust after calling you a cheap camper.
Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19): You haven't been spending nearly enough time
on IRC lately. Sadly, your social life will improve drastically if you spend
several hours each night on the PQ channel (#planetquake at irc.enterthegame.com!)
However, despite your efforts you will be unable to find any attractive single
gamers in your area. Your above-average effectiveness with the plasma this
week will be balanced somewhat by the humiliation of killing yourself several
times with plasma jumps. Remember to stay away from the quad before you do that.
Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20): This is an excellent time to begin a new
workout routine. But then, you should have been doing it already. Stick to
treadmills, though, because the stars say that you're over three times more
likely to get hit by a school bus this week than normal. The stars also say
that you should try some RtCW this
week if you're wanting some team gaming, but you'll be back when you realize
there's no floating health spheres to pick up.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun. 21): Staying away from relatives this week will
pay off in the long run, at least when it comes to how you're remembered in
the will. You might have missed the commercially sanctioned jour de l'amour
last week, but a romantic serenade beneath the moon will see some results. Just
don't pick Black Sabbath... it didn't work last time, and it's not going to
work this time either. Tight, claustrophobic maps will do wonders for making
you feel claustrophobic, but your frag count will still be largely negative.
Cancer (Jun. 22 - Jul. 22): The words "give up" aren't in your vocabulary
this week, probably due to the head trauma you recently suffered. We told you
to stay away from mopeds last week, didn't we?. Hold off on following your
dreams for now - especially the one where you're being chased by Scott Bakula,
trip on a calico kitten, and fall into a swimming pool full of jello. Instead,
try channeling your creativity into crafts that involve popsicle sticks. In
your fleeting spare time, you should stick with pick-up games of FFA. Your
clan will thank you for it.
Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22): What you had thought to be an image of Elvis
in your peanut butter will turn out to just be the Virgin Mary. It's ok,
though, you can still eat it. However, you should definately give the oysters
a pass. You will find yourself on the losing end of many arguments this week,
but that seething anger will translate into easy frags with the rocket launcher.
Speaking of seething, try to stay out of the lava this week. For once.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22): Now is the time to stand up for your beliefs.
Just make sure your fly is zipped before you stand, because you remember what
happened last time. However, no matter how passionately you argue the judge
will still rule that the Lambada isn't a constitutional right. Your quest for
acceptance will eventually leave you broke but happy in southern Venezuela.
Appropriately enough, given the tropical surroundings you will soon find
yourself in, brightly-colored maps with abundant water will be your best
Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 23): You should take a sick day to do nothing but
sit around the house in your underwear, because it's not like you'll need them
next month. The Conspiracy has their eye on you, so if your keys disappear
you should let them know that you're onto them. If you embarass them enough,
maybe they'll stop. Beware of men in black box vans, players using the Klesk
model, gas stoves, and any fruits that begins with the letter 'G.'
The only weapon you'll be able to get your hands on this week is the shotgun,
so learn to use it well. That goes for Quake, too.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21): The stars aren't right for starting a new
business venture right now. Besides, provoking penguins to fight is a lot
more difficult than you think. Instead, you should focus on the simpler things
in life. An effort to revive the dying art of scrimshaw would not be in vain.
Since you'll be using the machinegun constantly, you might as well try to get
some skills with it. There's no better time to form a clan, but expect
arguments about which tartan to choose.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): Just a hint - there's a time and a
place for public drunkenness, and a wedding is neither. Too much self-reliance
can get you in trouble. Try listening to others for once, particularly the
demon-possessed blender you keep in the kitchen. Next time try to at least
bet on a horse when you attend the horseraces and you'll see much better
results. This week in your gaming, you should try using the gauntlet while
blindfolded. You'll still die a lot, but this time you'll have an excuse.
February's Birthday Boys and Girls:
When's your birthday? Let Jube know so you can be added to
the Birthday list!
- 04: d1duck
- 05: V-Thrax
- 11: Tungsten (GameSpy)
- 12: Mrs. Wart
- 20: Kenneth Scott (id Software)
- 26: Fatal1ty
- 26: Z - Saber
(Some Birthday's compliments of CaliGirl.net)
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