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    PlanetQuake | Articles | Quakescopes: Quakescopes
   

Quakescopes for February 17 - February 23, 2003
A week's worth of gaming guidance!
— by a madman


Bonus Feature: Personalized Desktop Readings by a madman! That's right, it's a chance to show off your l33tness and have your 'digital palm' read at the same time! Just send in a screenshot, and every week the lucky winners will be profiled on page 2 of the QuakeScopes! What more could you ask for (except for quad, haste and three dozen rockets!)
Note: Desktop readings are for entertainment only, and should not be used for financial or romantic advice. Please consult your physicial before reading.

Don't forget to find out the basics of your sign in the Quake Astrology Guide!

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): If you've contemplated travel, now is the time to go for it. Don't take the time to call in sick for work or phone your relatives, because the police are on their way right now. Just grab the cash, gas up the car, and hit the road. On the other hand, your rail game is red-hot this week, and if you live to see Thursday it's likely you'll see some invitations to instagib clans. Turn them down - you'll realize why next week.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): A failure to take your medication this week could result in unfortunate consequences. However, that vague sense of dread you've been having for the past few days will turn out to be just indigestion. If at first you don't succeed, quit taking it out on your keyboard. It does so much, it asks for so little. Try some base defense in CTF this week... you might just discover an unnatural fondness for camping.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): Don't take financial advice from unsocicited commercial e-mail this week. Also, stay away from large black dogs if you wish to avoid an embarassing situation. A trip to a secondhand store will result in several useful acquisitions, if you're willing to spend the time looking. Just make sure you check the other side of things for blood stains. In Quake, the name of the game this week is spam. If you can get your hands on the grenades or a rocket launcher, you'll be an unstoppable killing machine. In fact, you'll be so deadly that most of the other players leave the server in disgust after calling you a cheap camper.

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19): You haven't been spending nearly enough time on IRC lately. Sadly, your social life will improve drastically if you spend several hours each night on the PQ channel (#planetquake at irc.enterthegame.com!) However, despite your efforts you will be unable to find any attractive single gamers in your area. Your above-average effectiveness with the plasma this week will be balanced somewhat by the humiliation of killing yourself several times with plasma jumps. Remember to stay away from the quad before you do that.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20): This is an excellent time to begin a new workout routine. But then, you should have been doing it already. Stick to treadmills, though, because the stars say that you're over three times more likely to get hit by a school bus this week than normal. The stars also say that you should try some RtCW this week if you're wanting some team gaming, but you'll be back when you realize there's no floating health spheres to pick up.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun. 21): Staying away from relatives this week will pay off in the long run, at least when it comes to how you're remembered in the will. You might have missed the commercially sanctioned jour de l'amour last week, but a romantic serenade beneath the moon will see some results. Just don't pick Black Sabbath... it didn't work last time, and it's not going to work this time either. Tight, claustrophobic maps will do wonders for making you feel claustrophobic, but your frag count will still be largely negative.

Cancer (Jun. 22 - Jul. 22): The words "give up" aren't in your vocabulary this week, probably due to the head trauma you recently suffered. We told you to stay away from mopeds last week, didn't we?. Hold off on following your dreams for now - especially the one where you're being chased by Scott Bakula, trip on a calico kitten, and fall into a swimming pool full of jello. Instead, try channeling your creativity into crafts that involve popsicle sticks. In your fleeting spare time, you should stick with pick-up games of FFA. Your clan will thank you for it.

Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22): What you had thought to be an image of Elvis in your peanut butter will turn out to just be the Virgin Mary. It's ok, though, you can still eat it. However, you should definately give the oysters a pass. You will find yourself on the losing end of many arguments this week, but that seething anger will translate into easy frags with the rocket launcher. Speaking of seething, try to stay out of the lava this week. For once.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22): Now is the time to stand up for your beliefs. Just make sure your fly is zipped before you stand, because you remember what happened last time. However, no matter how passionately you argue the judge will still rule that the Lambada isn't a constitutional right. Your quest for acceptance will eventually leave you broke but happy in southern Venezuela. Appropriately enough, given the tropical surroundings you will soon find yourself in, brightly-colored maps with abundant water will be your best fragging grounds.

Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 23): You should take a sick day to do nothing but sit around the house in your underwear, because it's not like you'll need them next month. The Conspiracy has their eye on you, so if your keys disappear you should let them know that you're onto them. If you embarass them enough, maybe they'll stop. Beware of men in black box vans, players using the Klesk model, gas stoves, and any fruits that begins with the letter 'G.' The only weapon you'll be able to get your hands on this week is the shotgun, so learn to use it well. That goes for Quake, too.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21): The stars aren't right for starting a new business venture right now. Besides, provoking penguins to fight is a lot more difficult than you think. Instead, you should focus on the simpler things in life. An effort to revive the dying art of scrimshaw would not be in vain. Since you'll be using the machinegun constantly, you might as well try to get some skills with it. There's no better time to form a clan, but expect arguments about which tartan to choose.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): Just a hint - there's a time and a place for public drunkenness, and a wedding is neither. Too much self-reliance can get you in trouble. Try listening to others for once, particularly the demon-possessed blender you keep in the kitchen. Next time try to at least bet on a horse when you attend the horseraces and you'll see much better results. This week in your gaming, you should try using the gauntlet while blindfolded. You'll still die a lot, but this time you'll have an excuse.

    February's Birthday Boys and Girls:

  • 04: d1duck
  • 05: V-Thrax
  • 11: Tungsten (GameSpy)
  • 12: Mrs. Wart
  • 20: Kenneth Scott (id Software)
  • 26: Fatal1ty
  • 26: Z - Saber


  • (Some Birthday's compliments of CaliGirl.net)

When's your birthday? Let Jube know so you can be added to the Birthday list!

Like it, love it, hate it? Tell us how the Quakescopes have changed your gaming lives with some feedback.

Next: Desktop Readings


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