I have spent the better part of today programming ... my resume'. It's about time to get my ass back to work. I generally give no fucks about a resume and tend to give people a piece of white paper with some job history and facts printed on it but, no care or time has ever been taken to make something that looks professional. I thought about it when I woke up today, and there is no reason why I couldn't take my html and css skills to make a heavily styled "web page" that contains the information and flow that you would expect on a resume' and then simply convert it to pdf.

I did that. It looks awesome. I would show you but, the document is full of personal information that I would rather not share with the entire internet. I tend to get well-paying jobs with a "resume'" that looks like it was made in 5 minutes (cause it was). I'm curious to see what I can land with a resume' that looks like I hired a professional writer with professional document templates to write.

I was so anal about the entire thing that I made numerous size, padding, margin and border adjustments to make sure that every page was exactly full and no page overflowed to the next. Pixel perfect precision. I also loaded it up with so much information as to be overwhelming and if I did it right, whoever reviews this resume will have their eyes hit things that are programming their brain to hire/remember me but it is doubtful they will actually read the entire thing. It's a gamble. Like, for instance most resume's have 3 references. I have 40 ... and they are all real. I loaded each reference up with info on who the person is, their relation to me, years known .... just overwhelming amounts of data designed to make the reviewer give up but, in no way have me slip their mind. That's not going to happen. They are never forget the guy that sent them a novella styled like a modern website.

I made a second resume' that is minimalist to say the least. I am going to try them both. I may even try them both with the exact same jobs. I'm taking the somewhat lazy approach. I want to email blast my resume to 100 places, discard all the cheap fucks by phone and make a maximum of 2 face-to-face interviews count. I am going to find a respectably paying job while barely moving. I have no issues with moving a whole lot. That's not the point. The point is to do almost nothing and score a well-paying job. I bet you $5000 that I will do exactly that. I'm the master of this shit.

For like 10 years ~ I go make a bunch of money, quit, live on the bunch of money, repeat. Only one time in that 10 years did it look like I might have really fucked up on how long I waited. At the last minute I pulled it all together with some junk job and then jumped through a series of jobs to a real job. I saved like 8 or 10 grand and said "bye bye job". I just don't fuckin care. All immediately achievable jobs are a junk job no matter how much money you make. Nobody has ever applied to be President and then been hired the next day. You don't walk into a law firm with typing skills and work your way up to lawyer one day. You can't take a biology class and go be a doctor. You CAN walk in to one of the THOUSANDS of restaurants in this city and make between 12 and 50 bucks an hour all just because you applied and got hired. It is mathematically impossible for me to quit my way through the entire city. I couldn't even quit my way through Downtown. For every restaurant that wont hire me, 50 will. My only weakness is providing work history in such a way that it doesn't appear like I'm going to make a bunch of money and quit for 6 months. Instead of straight up lying I use a method of great omission than never resolves to a "to" date. So like, let's say I worked 5 places in 5 years, I just list one and the start date. A list of start dates implies a concurrent end date but, I never said that. That's what assumptions get you. However that assumption is fortified when you look at how thorough all the other data is.

Basically it's all a big mind-fuck. Things seem impressive and most people are too busy or stupid to get past how things seem. Regardless of how things seem, nowhere do I specifically state that however things seem is how they actually are. Really the only problem is work history. I really am a bad-ass employee for however long I intend to work for you. I really do know what I am doing and I am 100% capable and ready to do it. I take great pride in outworking the entire fucking staff. The longest job I ever had was the two (actually) that kept raising me up. I would be really close to that quit level and then get a check with a 2$ an hour raise on it or an envelope with a couple hundred bonus dollars in it. But even those jobs have a cap.

Actually that's a big part of it. It's not just that I prefer to do whatever the hell I want to do. It's also the cap. You could pay me 100$ an hour and if the potential is not there for me to make 110$ then I gotta go. It's not the smartest plan. I know that. It's the "fuck your prison" plan. I was making about $1200 a week at my last job and a whole lot of that was straight up cash. Am I still there? I didn't get fired. I never get fired. As soon as it's apparent that your job is a no growth job .. Beep Beep ZipTang. I might quit you the first fucking day and go work right next door.

At my second-to-last job I walked up to the boss in October and told him I am taking Christmas week off. He made a huge deal about it and attempted to tell me that I can't have that week off. [PRISON JOB] I replaced him before the end of my shift with a new job. Funny thing about this world. My phone supports email, that email supports attachments, my resume' is on my phone and I have the power to peruse job-listings from my phone. That means I can fucking replace you from my phone while you pay me to do it. And that's exactly what I did. ... Can't take Christmas off with a 2 months advance notice. That mother fucker must have been on crack to think anything but "have a great vacation" was the proper answer. Especially considering he was talking to me. It's not like I make it some big secret that I am 100% uncontrollable in every regard. This is the same dude that told me I had to wear his ridiculous shirt to work everyday but only kitchen staff had to wear it. I never wore it. Not once. If the people that actually deal with the customers don't have to wear it, then I'm not wearing it either. He gave up. "Where's your shirt?" "I threw it away" "Really?!" "No, but I'm not fucking wearing it." "Do you like this job?" "No, and I give no fucks if you let me keep it."

It's hard getting rid of probably the strongest employee you have ever had.