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Editorial Index

Recent Editorials:

I WANT my CD key!
12/13 - id's decision to use a CD key is justified

Report Card to the NIMF
12/1 - A response to the NIMF's report on violence in video games

Violence and Gaming
11/16 - Quake responsible for youth violence?

A Purist's Rules for FPS Multi-Player Design
11/5 - Keeping FPS' clutter-free

Rebuttal to Essobie's Editorial
10/15 - Grapple Controversy-Part Deux
The Woes of Being a Multi-Gamer
10/12 - Game Loyalty?
CTF != The Grappling Hook
10/7 - Q3 Arena sans grappling hook?
Jailbreak and Free Lunches
10/4 - Do mod makers "owe" people anything?
Pixels and Texels
9/13 - A look at the future of video cards
Yes, Camping is Evil!
9/2 - A response to "The Evils of Camping"!
Give Me Cable or Give Me Death!
8/31 - Will we all be LPBs one day?
Does Age Equal Maturity?
8/25 - A look at the age factor in gaming.
HeadHunting
8/23 - Mods and intellectual property
To Smack or Not to Smack
8/12 - Trash talking and the FFF!
The Evils of Camping
8/9 - We love to complain!
Trends in the Gaming Industry
7/13 - A look at the shift to multiplayer only games
32-bit Graphics Shows 3dfx's True Colors
7/12 - A continuation about the Voodoo3...
Is She 7 or 17?
6/30 - About the Voodoo3...
Doom 2000 and Q3A
5/26 - Fragmaster speaks his mind
The L33T D00D Multiplayer Tutorial
5/11 - Addressing their needs
Sue 'em All...
4/15 - The id Software Lawsuit
(more)

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Comments or ideas? Feedback?

The L33T D00D Multiplayer Tutorial
It's about time we addressed their needs.
  — by Lowtax

As the popularity of Quake 2 multiplayer keeps growing (especially with the upcoming anticipation of Q3A), many newbies are just learning how to play. Through a lot of practice, hard work, and research, these players new to the Q2 scene eventually become good and efficient, often killing the most seasoned of multiplayer veterans. These newbies are able to gain great skills and tactics by utilizing their common sense and taking advantage of the many helpful Quake resources out on the Internet.

But what about all the "l33t d00ds" out there? How come nobody is addressing their Quake 2 multiplayer tutorial needs? I think we've all ran across these people before some time or another. You know, the guy on the newsgroup that claimed he hacked into the CIA website by using a GW Basic program, the kid who claims his computer is faster than your because he has "166 gigahertz of RAM", the punk who thinks he's a criminal mastermind because he has illegal MP3s of Jewel on his harddrive. This article will attempt to address their needs (in a language they can understand) for joining the fantastic multiplayer world of Quake 2.

First of all, to start playing, you'll need a copy of Quake 2. Most people will claim that to play Quake 2, you have to buy the game first, but they're all stupid, ignorant liars and not l33t like us. The secret is to get on non-Quake related messageboards and newsgroups, then post messages with your Hotmail account reading "WHERE CAN I DOWNLOAD WAR3Z QUAKE 2?!?" (make sure it is in all caps so everybody will realize it's important). The best information for downloading free copies of Quake 2 can be found on forums like alt.knitting and rec.fishing. Make sure to post using a "k3wl" name like "S0ULT4K3R", that way people will respond to your article faster. Wait a few hours and just watch the helpful replies flood in! You will also get put on fun and exciting mailing lists, which will help you discover quick and easy ways to make tens of millions of dollars by simply sending $5 to a few people still living with their parents! The Internet is so incredible (HOT TIP #1: The "free" sex sites are really free! No strings attached! For real! Sign up now!)

Now you've got the link to download your free copy of Quake 2. It's gonna be a pretty big file, so get ready to leave your modem on for a while. To make things speed up a bit, do these following things before downloading your free copy of Quake 2:

1) Turn off all virus protection programs - These just waste valuable bandwidth and CPU cycles.

2) Make sure your computer is BELOW your modem wall jack - That way the data will flow faster into your computer, thanks to the miracle of gravity (data flows faster going downhill).

You should have the full game downloaded in a few hours if your 9600 baud modem has a clean connection to AOL. Once you see that magical "Download complete!" message, start installing that sucker! Make sure you've still got your virus protection program disabled, as doing this makes Quake 2 install quicker. You don't have to worry about virii anyway, as people can't put them in programs; everybody knows virii can only be sent via email from a person named "Melissa". (HOT TIP #2: People like chain letters of lame ASCII drawings! Pass them on whenever possible!)

Now, let's download a mod! There are many mods out there, ranging from the popular and exciting Lithium, to the more popular and even more exciting USM KMod. Let's stick with installing Lithium this time though, as the USM KMod has a few "minor" issues to be worked out. Once you've downloaded and installed it, you're ready to rock!

But not so fast there, mister! You've got to first learn the fundamentals of the game before you play. No, I'm not talking about the stupid "minor issues" like learning how to move or change weapons, I'm talking about binding keys to insults! To do this, open up the file named "config.cfg" and bind some keys to important phrases such as "CAMPING FAGOT!!!" and "QUAD HO!!!". These keys come in useful during multiplayer Quake 2, and you should press them almost as many times as you hit the fire button. While you're poking through the files in you Quake directory, make absolutely sure you do not open the "readme" file in your Lithium directory! This file will crash your computer if you try to read it. All "readme" files that come with mods are put there just as a prank against the newbies and under NO circumstances should you read them. You can learn all you need to know by just jumping on the server and asking everybody question after question until they all leave or you are banned (because they are obviously jealous of your m4d sk1llz).

When you enter your first Quake 2 multiplayer game, the program will give you a name based on how good it thinks you will be. If it thinks you will suck, your name will be "I suck". If it thinks you'll be ok, your name will be "Pretty good". If it thinks you will r00l, your name will be "Player", as the computer will think you're a hard-core playah. "Player" is a symbol of pride and tells the world you're l33t, so stick with that if you want respect from everybody else on the server. However, if you must change your name, make sure it is something witty and threatening, like:

* Deth-2-U

* StoneKoldKillah

* SykoB1tch

You should misspell common words and replace letters with the numerical representation to look really cool. These names will let everybody else on the server know you're one mean player, and everybody should fear you. Just to be on the safe side, bind a key to "PH33R ME!!!" to remind everybody. Hit this key after every kill you get (which should be a lot!).

Now the first thing you'll notice in your game of Lithium is that people are shooting a red laser beam out onto walls, and then magically flying towards these walls! They are obviously cheating. To call their bluff, ask repeatedly "HOW DO YOU SHOOT THE RED TOW BEAM CABLE LASER GRAPPLE THING?!?" Some of them will panic and respond with insults like "bind a key to +hook", which is Quake 2 lingo for calling your mom a hooker. Begin repeatedly hitting your key bound to "CAMPING FAGOT!!!". That should show em. Some players also cheat by hacking the files on the server and making colored diamonds (runes) appear. They then pick up these runes and become invincible. Make sure you point out to everybody else that they're cheating by calling them "RUNE FAGOTS". It is widely known in the Quake 2 community that people who pick up these runes are filthy cheaters and often enjoy having sexual intercourse with members of the canine family. You should probably point that fact out to them. Don't feel afraid to repeat yourself.

We're ready to rumble now! Let's study some of the various strategies that you may like to implement to make your Quake 2 game more successful:

* Crouching in a dark corner while shooting your blaster and throwing grenades - This is a great way to surprise the enemy. By the time he's figured out where you are, you've blasted him to death! The ultimate tactic!

* Use only the keyboard - Some people may claim that you should use the mouse to look, but those people are stupid. If you use the keyboard, your aim will be much more precise and consistent. Plus, people who use the mouse are cheaters too.

* Turn your gamma levels up - Turn them up so high you can't distinguish between other players and health packs. Aim for a "retina-burning" setting.

* Crouch everywhere you go - This makes you harder to hit. If you have the quad damage and you are crouching, you become an invincible powerhouse.

* Don't pick up health packs when injured - Real men don't need health, they just keep fighting until they are killed. Screw armor as well. If you see somebody picking up armor or health, question their manhood by suggesting their private parts are "less than adequately" sized.

While playing, you may notice that a phone jack sometimes appears in the corner, and you cannot move. This means that one of the other players has rigged the server to freeze you in place so he can kill you. If, when the phone jack disappears, you have been killed, make sure to shout "LAG!" or "LAGDEATH!" so all other players will know. They will more than likely thank you for telling them, as most players are very concerned if other people are lagging. I myself keep a list of players who have informed me they're lagging and email them after the game, sending my condolences and sympathy. Sometimes I send them flowers too.

I hope this article has been helpful and informative to everybody. If it hasn't, then there's obviously something wrong with you and you should see a doctor, or at least somebody who plays a doctor on a major soap opera. If you have any other questions or helpful suggestions, please feel free to email me or ask during a Quake 2 game (I play as "Lowtax"). I'll be the guy crouching in the corner with the blaster.



-- Lowtax

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If you want to try your hand at writing an article or editorial, send it to crsipy@planetquake.com. All contributions are welcome.


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