The L33T D00D Multiplayer Tutorial
It's about time we addressed their needs.
popularity of Quake 2 multiplayer keeps growing (especially with
the upcoming anticipation of Q3A), many newbies are just learning
how to play. Through a lot of practice, hard work, and research,
these players new to the Q2 scene eventually become good and efficient,
often killing the most seasoned of multiplayer veterans. These
newbies are able to gain great skills and tactics by utilizing
their common sense and taking advantage of the many helpful Quake
resources out on the Internet.
about all the "l33t d00ds" out there? How come nobody
is addressing their Quake 2 multiplayer tutorial needs? I think
we've all ran across these people before some time or another.
You know, the guy on the newsgroup that claimed he hacked into
the CIA website by using a GW Basic program, the kid who claims
his computer is faster than your because he has "166 gigahertz
of RAM", the punk who thinks he's a criminal mastermind because
he has illegal MP3s of Jewel on his harddrive. This article will
attempt to address their needs (in a language they can understand)
for joining the fantastic multiplayer world of Quake 2.
First of all,
to start playing, you'll need a copy of Quake 2. Most people will
claim that to play Quake 2, you have to buy the game first, but
they're all stupid, ignorant liars and not l33t like us. The secret
is to get on non-Quake related messageboards and newsgroups, then
post messages with your Hotmail account reading "WHERE CAN
I DOWNLOAD WAR3Z QUAKE 2?!?" (make sure it is in all caps
so everybody will realize it's important). The best information
for downloading free copies of Quake 2 can be found on forums
like alt.knitting and rec.fishing. Make sure to post using a "k3wl"
name like "S0ULT4K3R", that way people will respond
to your article faster. Wait a few hours and just watch the helpful
replies flood in! You will also get put on fun and exciting mailing
lists, which will help you discover quick and easy ways to make
tens of millions of dollars by simply sending $5 to a few people
still living with their parents! The Internet is so incredible
(HOT TIP #1: The "free" sex sites are really
free! No strings attached! For real! Sign up now!)
got the link to download your free copy of Quake 2. It's
gonna be a pretty big file, so get ready to leave your modem on
for a while. To make things speed up a bit, do these following
things before downloading your free copy of Quake 2:
1) Turn off
all virus protection programs - These just waste valuable bandwidth
and CPU cycles.
2) Make sure
your computer is BELOW your modem wall jack - That way the data
will flow faster into your computer, thanks to the miracle of
gravity (data flows faster going downhill).
have the full game downloaded in a few hours if your 9600 baud
modem has a clean connection to AOL. Once you see that magical
"Download complete!" message, start installing that
sucker! Make sure you've still got your virus protection program
disabled, as doing this makes Quake 2 install quicker. You don't
have to worry about virii anyway, as people can't put them in
programs; everybody knows virii can only be sent via email from
a person named "Melissa". (HOT TIP #2: People
like chain letters of lame ASCII drawings! Pass them on whenever
download a mod! There are many mods out there, ranging from the
popular and exciting Lithium,
to the more popular and even more exciting USM
KMod. Let's stick with installing Lithium this time though,
as the USM KMod has a few "minor" issues to be worked
out. Once you've downloaded and installed it, you're ready to
But not so
fast there, mister! You've got to first learn the fundamentals
of the game before you play. No, I'm not talking about the stupid
"minor issues" like learning how to move or change weapons,
I'm talking about binding keys to insults! To do this, open up
the file named "config.cfg" and bind some keys to important
phrases such as "CAMPING FAGOT!!!" and "QUAD HO!!!".
These keys come in useful during multiplayer Quake 2, and you
should press them almost as many times as you hit the fire button.
While you're poking through the files in you Quake directory,
make absolutely sure you do not open the "readme"
file in your Lithium directory! This file will crash your computer
if you try to read it. All "readme" files that come
with mods are put there just as a prank against the newbies and
under NO circumstances should you read them. You can learn all
you need to know by just jumping on the server and asking everybody
question after question until they all leave or you are banned
(because they are obviously jealous of your m4d sk1llz).
When you enter
your first Quake 2 multiplayer game, the program will give you
a name based on how good it thinks you will be. If it thinks you
will suck, your name will be "I suck". If it thinks
you'll be ok, your name will be "Pretty good". If it
thinks you will r00l, your name will be "Player", as
the computer will think you're a hard-core playah. "Player"
is a symbol of pride and tells the world you're l33t, so stick
with that if you want respect from everybody else on the server.
However, if you must change your name, make sure it is
something witty and threatening, like:
misspell common words and replace letters with the numerical representation
to look really cool. These names will let everybody else on the
server know you're one mean player, and everybody should fear
you. Just to be on the safe side, bind a key to "PH33R ME!!!"
to remind everybody. Hit this key after every kill you get (which
should be a lot!).
Now the first
thing you'll notice in your game of Lithium is that people are
shooting a red laser beam out onto walls, and then magically flying
towards these walls! They are obviously cheating. To call their
bluff, ask repeatedly "HOW DO YOU SHOOT THE RED TOW BEAM
CABLE LASER GRAPPLE THING?!?" Some of them will panic and
respond with insults like "bind a key to +hook", which
is Quake 2 lingo for calling your mom a hooker. Begin repeatedly
hitting your key bound to "CAMPING FAGOT!!!". That should
show em. Some players also cheat by hacking the files on the server
and making colored diamonds (runes) appear. They then pick up
these runes and become invincible. Make sure you point out to
everybody else that they're cheating by calling them "RUNE
FAGOTS". It is widely known in the Quake 2 community that
people who pick up these runes are filthy cheaters and often enjoy
having sexual intercourse with members of the canine family. You
should probably point that fact out to them. Don't feel afraid
to repeat yourself.
to rumble now! Let's study some of the various strategies that
you may like to implement to make your Quake 2 game more successful:
in a dark corner while shooting your blaster and throwing grenades
- This is a great way to surprise the enemy. By the time he's
figured out where you are, you've blasted him to death! The ultimate
* Use only
the keyboard - Some people may claim that you should use the
mouse to look, but those people are stupid. If you use the keyboard,
your aim will be much more precise and consistent. Plus, people
who use the mouse are cheaters too.
your gamma levels up - Turn them up so high you can't distinguish
between other players and health packs. Aim for a "retina-burning"
everywhere you go - This makes you harder to hit. If you have
the quad damage and you are crouching, you become an invincible
pick up health packs when injured - Real men don't need health,
they just keep fighting until they are killed. Screw armor as
well. If you see somebody picking up armor or health, question
their manhood by suggesting their private parts are "less
than adequately" sized.
you may notice that a phone jack sometimes appears in the corner,
and you cannot move. This means that one of the other players
has rigged the server to freeze you in place so he can kill you.
If, when the phone jack disappears, you have been killed, make
sure to shout "LAG!" or "LAGDEATH!" so all
other players will know. They will more than likely thank you
for telling them, as most players are very concerned if other
people are lagging. I myself keep a list of players who have informed
me they're lagging and email them after the game, sending my condolences
and sympathy. Sometimes I send them flowers too.
I hope this
article has been helpful and informative to everybody. If it hasn't,
then there's obviously something wrong with you and you should
see a doctor, or at least somebody who plays a doctor on a major
soap opera. If you have any other questions or helpful suggestions,
please feel free to email me or ask during a Quake 2 game (I play
as "Lowtax"). I'll be the guy crouching in the corner
with the blaster.
If you want to try your hand at writing an article or editorial,
send it to email@example.com.
All contributions are welcome.