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    PlanetQuake | Features | Articles | The Beatdown Before Christmas
   

The Beatdown Before Christmas
GameSpy really knows how to do Christmas right, with a fragfest!
  — by John "Warrior" Keefer

John Keefer from GameSpy.com wrote this little Christmas goodie and was randomly passing it about, so I snagged it for a Christmas treat. Sit back and enjoy "The Beatdown Before Christmas" — Pappy-R

'Twas the day before Christmas, when all through the Spy
No one was working, cause a beatdown was nigh;
The T1 was buzzing as we chose games with care,
It was time to get started, pile on the hardware!

The Bastard and kids were all snug in their seats,
Hoping that someone would deactivate cheats;
A loud hum rose up as the servers kicked in,
And the huge Christmas beatdown was about to begin.

Fargo and Tungsten joined up for some striking,
While Dakota hunted down a spot to his liking.
Hellchick was armed with new tactics from id,
While Thrrrpptt! found crates and quietly hid.

Knower chose weapons for killing at range,
While shaithis warmed up by yelling things strange,
Silverdawn decided he'd best be a sniper
and Sluggo warmed up to be sufficiently hyper.

When out of the back there arose such a noise,
"The server is up! Let's get on with it boys!"
The mayhem commenced, and many bodies did bleed
And Warrior sat chronicling every big deed:

"Score one for Hellchick, she fragged Fargo's ass,
And Kindrak and Walla died as they passed!
"Mother-bitches," wailed shaithis, "They have the flag."
"No worries," cried Orbital, "this win's in the bag."

So on through the night, the fragging waged on,
Kornelia shot Centurion, then Silverdawn.
Fargo was sneaking through the corridors with ease,
But a shot from Money offed him nice as you please.

Bastard was camping in a good sniping spot,
He took out Dakota with a well-placed headshot.
Slowdrag and Doc teamed up in some towers,
As the killing kept going for plenty more hours.

On L-Fire, on PharCyde and on Hardcore Pawn,
on shaithis, on Tungsten, keep playing til dawn.
On Lumberjack, on Knower, on Dipper and Tooth
You cover the doorways and I'll take the roof!

But no matter the desire, people tire, its true
And there grew fewer cries of "I will own J00"
So at the urging of CRT programming gang,
The spy team geared up for one final shebang!

The teams were divided and Quake 3 was the game,
Warrior wasn't chosen, cause his playing was lame,
So the teams geared up, it was all up to fate,
And of course the Spy Tech Team to keep up the frame rate

So with great ping at the ready, Arcade set to fly,
The word was given: It is now time to die!
Shotguns rang out and and the blasting did start
This battle was not for those faint of heart.

Last team left standing would win this beatdown
And walk away with the spy fragging crown.
There was screaming and crying and cursing and death
The tension was heavy with much shortness of breath

Fargo died first, then Tungsten and Pants
And Fade was killed during a victory dance
Kornelia was speedy and really quite hot
But then she got lagged and died on the spot

Orbital bought it and Kindrak was splattered
Everyone played as if life itself mattered.
Then Pappy-R crashed and Bastard did burn
CRT ate rockets and Knower died in mid-turn

And so it came down to one-on-one at the last
Hellchick and Sluggo were the last of this cast
They faced off at center like a scene from High Noon
Then scattered for powerups to avoid their own doom

The cheering got louder with each rocket blast
They bantered and fired and ran really fast.
When finally an explosion brought a hush to the crowd
Who was the winner, the group all wondered aloud.

We watched the screen waiting for the smoke to clear
Then we realized with horror, it was a gamer's worst fear.
This amazing last match, this beatdown turned rout
Had just been concluded with "Connection Timed out!"

So the Spy team went home to their families and slept
Some so emotionally wasted that they actually wept.
But the memories lingered until morning's first light
What a great Christmas we had and a fraggin' great night!

— John "Warrior" Keefer


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