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    PQ | Features | Mailbag | February 8, 2002
   

PQ Mailbag

A special international opening!

Hola, mis amigos! Este mailbag promete ser una experiencia muy especial y emocionante!

Yes, that's right! This week the mailbag is extra-special because it's actually finished! You see, last Friday at around 5:30 am I was getting the finishing touches done on everything when suddenly I bluescreened. Because I like to live dangerously, I hadn't yet saved any of it. So, I'm sure you can imagine my disappointment in my system.

Fast forward one week, the new system has arrived and the sledgehammer has returned to its proper place on the tool rack. I hadn't yet lined up a new sidekick for the mailbag, and I'd received email from people threatening to swallow broken glass if Captain Fresh helped out again. (look for him in the mailbag sidekick Battle Royale, coming soon!) I just don't want that on my conscience, so I tracked down the webmaster for my mod team and asked him if he'd like to spend four hours verbally abusing people. Now, some words from the man himself.

I'm The Aurora Slyde. I've been The Aurora Slyde since before you put a cap in your first virtual ass. I've fought my way out of Phobos, Wolfenstein, and now hopefully I will be victorious in my battle with stupidity!

Pfft. I thought he'd said he'd read the mailbag before. Victorious against stupidity, indeed. Well, on with the show!

Feedback (people with too much free time)

From: Poet
Subject: One of those "I have seen The Light!" moments ...

Mr Madman, Mr Captain Fresh.

Sirs.

This is indeed a Great day for all Quakers ( no, not the screwy American Religious types ), but the Brotherhood of online Junkies, Freaks and Miscreants that make up our beloved community.

As everyone seems to know, Quake 4 is on the way.

Quake3 will still be with us, and I don't plan on giving up my million-Rails target.

But as a Final send-off if you like, a loving last gift back to the game that has given so much ...

I propose :

Masters of The Universe.
The Mod.

Think about it,

The models would be fairly simple to do with skins...
The settings are already built.
And I'm sure someone out there can squeeze a big f*****g Cat in as well.

She-Ra has to be there.
The Finest Knee Length Boots in Cartoon History.

So here I send out a plea to all Quake3
Modellers
Mappers
Skinners
Scripters
Gamers
Lingerers
Shifty Blokes at the back ...

Lets get together and make the finest Mod yet!

You know it makes sense.

I will of course co-ordinate all efforts, and I think the Mailbag boys at least need to follow up on their Great idea.

So, cast your minds back to those Glorious days ...

"BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL ! "

" I AM THE POWERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Thanks for your time.

You know you need to post this, if only to make amends for my shameful spelling gaff of earlier, for which I can only say...

Oops!

: P

lol.

Poet.

Aurora Slyde: I am the POooooooooweeer!" does this mean i have to shout "I HAVE THE POOEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTT!" ?

a madman: What are you talking about? This is the most original idea I've ever gotten in the mailbag.

Aurora Slyde: Oh I'm sure it is, but we can't keep encouraging them like this. =P
Ok, for one, why the hell does he need a mod to play Masters of the universe? I mean, I think She-Ra would be more fondlable as an "action figure" than a model.

a madman: On second thought, it's original because I thought it up for him last time. Never mind, I guess it's not all that original at all. And wasn't it "I *have* the power" anyway?

Aurora Slyde: See, if you let them get away with thinking now, next thing you know they will be acting out all sorts of weird childhood cartoon fetishes.

a madman: Thunder... thunder... THUNDERCATS!

...nah, let's not go there.

Aurora Slyde: Furry... Furry... FURRY PR0N! MODS!

a madman: Ok, I'm going to slap you around a bit now.

Wait, no. Make that a lot.

Aurora Slyde: I shall overthrow this regime if you do! You can't oppress the sidekick-letariat! We shall overcome!

a madman: Overcome this!

(scene of unimaginable violence)

*dusts off hands*

Well, then, shall we move on to the next question?

Aurora Slyde: *groan* Yes, Comrade Nolan...

From: Jerry D. Mills
Subject: Mailbag kudos

Nolan,

I just wanted to drop you a line and say how much I've enjoyed the PQ mailbag since you took over. It's been a hoot. Keep up the good work!

P.S. BQ3 still rules!

a madman: Of course it rules! <obligatory link to Bazooka Quake 3 >! Woo!

Aurora Slyde: Not only are you the proud owner of a side-kick, you have fan-boys too! Why, next thing you'll know, you'll be as big as John Romero!

a madman: Hey, I've talked quite a bit with this guy over the dev cycle. He was a beta tester. I can with certainty say that he's one hoopy frood.
Oh, and I almost forgot... < John Romero hair joke >

Aurora Slyde: < mandatory laughter >

The "saar_k" section

It had to happen eventually. I don't think anyone has written as many emails to the mailbag as this guy.

From: saar_k
Subject: Hmm, maybe this should be a section? Anyway - The Mailbag Feedback!

Wow, as a coder for WireHead I've known ConfusedUs for a while, and I never would have thought Con to be a DW wannabe. He always seemed so... Unrude... Go fig.

Now what is it with all the guys claiming to be able to spell? I can spell just fine(maybe even a bit above average) and I don't have to be from England to do that. Just live very close to an Intel lab. Besides, how can someone claim to be able to spell, and not be able to spell "ass", which I would consider the better way to spell it since it's written as it is read. Although a japanese guy reading it would probably sound like he has an Irish accent("Ahss").

But the one that was, by far, the worst was the one claiming to be a "critical person". You call that complaining? Throwing insults is -not- complaining. As someone who has mastered the secret techniques of criticism, and was born with complainative genes(am jew, so what?), in the country where complaining is a national sport, I know. He knows not the art of criticism, arguement, and complaint, and is an insult to it. And then he continues to claim himself capable of translation, demonstrating by "translating" "IDS". Now he's insulting the art of translation as well. What, haven't he read this e-mail I wrote, to follow up that e-mail by "bauul"(you'll have to scroll down a bit) written completely in l33t. There's about 100-200 words in that 100% l33t(not a single english letter in there) e-mail, and let's just say I spent less than 3 minutes decyphering it.

I don't understand, though, why would you want to call yourself "-a- madman", like you're just any unimportant madman. You deserve to be called "-the- madman", at least.

Now what was with that guy having "300 ping blues"?(Is it just me, or did that last sentence sounded like part of a Seinfeld stand-up?) 300 is the glorious ping I get -with- my ADSL modem. It's nice to see it finally go down from the usual 800 I used to get on my 56k. So if your 56k is doing 300ping, you have no right to complain.

My e-mail's absence on the first page made me think you've finally tired of showing it, but there it was right on the second page, nice to see you haven't given up on me yet. You didn't answer my question though, about how the sidekick thing works. Do you like open a room in IRC or something? If so, at what sort of hours, usually?

By the way, how is the tech support 50% more sidekicks? There used to be none, and now there's one, wouldn't that make it (1-0)/0*100=infinite%? Oh, and would running a magnet over the harddrive make it unusable? It would be much more effecient to use the low-level format on the CMOS. What? I've only used it like once-or-twice.

One disappointment, though, was the third page. I've had already read through it before I've realised I've reached the third page. What happened to the glorious thirdness and spam of that third-page perfection you had only a couple of weeks ago? It was way short, hardly anyone to make fun of, no spam, and the worst e-mail was the guy who sent you several identical logos, not one of which is any good. I urge you to return to your previous perfection, as I said in the feedback that followed that mailbag "Keep up the good work", so please do.

As for your sidekick, he's doing pretty well, with the exception of the Pokemon tribute, seeing as how is Pokemonish is utter gibbrish. I mean everyone knows that Pokemonish is just distorted japanese. What, don't they? Don't tell me you haven't heard Pikachu saying "Pikapi"-"Satoshi"-"Ash"...

Well, this concludes this weeks Mailbag Feedback. So, quoting you, "I'll catch you next week".

Signed,
  SlugFiller [:>]

P.S. Sorry for using HTML tags in this e-mail, but I've noticed that when you post my letter you post it as if it was already HTML, without converting the parts requiring conversion(like greater than signs, or non-blank spaces), so I've decided to take the initiative on this one and send it pre-converted, just copy and paste(with the exception of line breaks, seeing as how you never have problems with those).

Aurora Slyde: Whoa. I think you have your first stalker, too.

a madman: Nah, he's just like that.

Aurora Slyde: Like what? a stalker? Obsessive?

a madman: Something like that.

Aurora Slyde: Weirdo. I mean, why does he want to be your sidekick? he is a sadistic submissive by nature?

a madman: Couldn't tell you, but he HTML formatted his email and that means less work for me. Woo!

Aurora Slyde: So he's also a suck-up too. =P

a madman: What? No. He can just recognize quality when he sees it.

Aurora Slyde: And then he puts it on a pedestal and asks it to beat him into the ground? =P
He listens to too much TMBG.

a madman: I think we're going to make it through another one of his letters without even mentioning its content once, though.

Aurora Slyde: Of course we will!

a madman: And you have too many "=P"'s. "=P"s? I can never tell.
Waitaminute... were you dissing TMBG there?

Aurora Slyde: No. I just couldn't think of the story "The Statue Got Me High" was referencing, so I decided the Johns deserved the credit for the story AND song.

a madman: Right, well, that's all the time we have for that letter. Once more... sorry, Slugfiller, this is as good as the feedback around here is going to get.

a madman: (psst... Slyde, that's your cue to say "Mission Accomplished!")

Aurora Slyde: You are not ready.

Aurora Slyde: er...Mission Accomplished! *does the wink and finger-pointing with the grin thing*

Next: Tackling the tough issues!


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