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    PQ | Features | Mailbag | January 25, 2002

PQ Mailbag

It was three weeks in the making, but we're proud to present a special new once-in-a-lifetime Mailbag event! That's right, this week we have not one but TWO sidekicks for your reading pleasure. Returning as always is the ever-present Dire Hamster, and making a surprise return is the one and only Captain Fresh! This monumental effort took nearly 8 hours to coordinate and write, and so if there seem to be a lot more typos than usual it's because we were all bleary-eyed from lack of sleep. So if you're ever hoping to see one of these again... off. Now on with the show!

Mailbag feedback

I was seriously impressed. The last question of the week was this: "Your brain has been placed in a robot body, and now the Great War between humans and robots has finally begun. So... which side are you on?" The question itself generated more usable feedback in a day than I normally get in a week. So why did this mailbag take so long, you ask? Well, the answer is simple. We simply... OH MY GOD, WHAT'S THAT BEHIND YOU?! *a madman runs away*

From: x x
Subject: stuff

hi, to your last question, you would be on the side of the cyborgs cos you are half human and robot and that would be well good cos you could wipe out humans and robots and all that would be left would be cyborgs. When i make maps i have trouble bending polyhedrons, i want to make a ramp that is diaganol in two ways- it slopes downwards and slopes sideways aswell but when i slope it one way it wont slope the other way, it just goes all wierd, how do you do this? I use quark. And another thing is What is l33t? I read about it in all your mailbags but i dont get it, what is an l33t dood? and why does everyone who writes to the mailbag act dumb like they cant talk properly and stuff? the end.

a madman: To answer your last question first, I think it's because they've only been adding warnings to keep plastic bags away from young children for the last 5 or 10 years. To answer your question about map-making would, to the best of my knowledge, would require a noneuclidean universe or at least close proximity to a black hole.

Dire Hamster: Speaking of robot brains, here's something rather disturbing: Apparently, scientists put the brain of a lamprey inside of a robot body. For those of you not aware, lampreys are basically bloodsucking eels from hell.

a madman: You know, I've been saying for years that if I could pick one animal to have an invulnerable robot exoskeleton and gigawatt lasers, it'd be the lamprey. They just go together, like peanut butter and chocolate.

Lampreyboy, friend to all children!

Dire Hamster: Of all the idiotic graduate reserch projects likely to end in the extinction of all sentient life on earth, from cloning unkillable 25 million old bacteria to making carnivorous robots, I'd say this one has about the best chance of actually succeeding. Good job, scientists!

a madman: Actually, I have a feeling that the biggest problem we have to worry about here is just that they'll latch onto people's SUVs and refuse to let it go. If it's got a flamethrower and homing missiles, I'm sure as hell going to let it stay regardless of what it means for my fuel efficiency. Care to tackle the last one, Cap'n?

Captain Fresh: Well, you see, the common myth is that l337 (pronounced 'leet') is shortened for elite. What it is really short for is illiterate (or il'leet'erite amongst those that it describes)

You see, it all originated amongst the dangerously growing group of prepubecent gamers that spent too much time playing games online to learn proper grammar and spelling. In order to compensate for their need to communicate, a universal language consisting of numbers and the other miscellaneous symbols such as '#', '$' and '^' was invented so they could communicate as many obscenities as they could in order to sound more mature.

a madman: And knowing is half the battle!

From: Jube
Subject: Hating on Dire Hamster & Question of the Week

I don't know where you guys gotd the idea that I hate Vile Hamster. Sure he pissed me off when he made fun of the picture of some QuakeScope reader... and the Jean Chrétien pictorial didn't win him any points either. Yes he's despicable, obnoxious and morally unclean, but hated? Surely not. ;) Speaking of hamsters... my brother had a cute little hamster called Hammy when we were kids. My cat ate it.

Anyway, on to the question of the week.. Reminds me of an episode of TheOuter Limits. Tricky one since both sides would have pros and cons. If you side with the robots and kill all of the humans then the robot race could in theory die out some day. Keeping the humans as slaves didn't work very well in The Outer Limits. However, siding with the humans could be a lonely life for a robot. Like, how many men out there would actually want to have mad robot sex? Hmm, scratch that, now that I think about it I'm sure a great number of men have had sex with much worse. I could give you some examples but you guys do a good enough job at fluffing up the Mailbag all on your own. ;)


a madman: Now where would we get the idea that Jube hates Dire Hamster? The constant name-calling? The insulting posts on the frontpage? The roadkill she mails you? Or was it the trained ninja assassins?

In fact... you know, it kind of reminds me of the second grade, when the boys shot spitballs at the girls and said they were "yucky." Then they'd punch them in the shoulder, shout that they'd contracted "cooties," and run away at top speed. So I think we know what that means... obviously, Jube has a crush on you.

Dire Hamster: Does this mean that personal injury attourney that keeps sending threatening letters is in love with me?

Captain Fresh: Yeah, you know. That whole "fine line between love and hate" and all.

Dire Hamster: Anyway, as we all know, cyborgs do not know love. They don't have the proper equipment. Especially since you'll be a robot *car*. It's the most efficient shape.

a madman: Now just what the hell is a car going to do in the Great War? Sure, it's fine until the highways have been chewed to pieces by nuclear blasts but everyone knows even SUVs are made for city driving nowadays. And who's going to change your oil filter?

Dire Hamster: Well, you'd want your brain to be transported into something fuel efficient. I'd recommend a Volvo.

a madman: Why not a Neon? Barring, of course, the fact that neither robots NOR humans would want an intelligent Dodge Neon fighting for them. That's about like training chihuahuas as attack dogs.

Captain Fresh: Well, I'm bored with this question now, anyone want to move on?

a madman: Not until we mention KITT from Knight Rider, the coolest robot car of them all. It's a pity that in an ironic twist of fate it will be destroyed by a cyborg David Hasslehoff in 2038. So... ok, we're done here.

From: Matthew 'Gleeb' Garnett-Frizelle
Subject: You brain has...

I'm sticking with Jube :D

Dire Hamster: You would have sex with a ROBOT CAR!?

a madman: Better get that outrage out while you can, DH. Soon enough it'll be a hate crime to complain about things like that. "Robots are people too," they'll say. "Robots deserve our love." And they'll keep saying it until the day the bombs start dropping.

Dire Hamster: Well, for starters, it could lead to serious injury. And it's probably immoral. Besides, it would be impossible. All the cybo-cars will be shipped off to live on a reservation.

But don't worry. They'll be happier there. They'll have a big farm where they can drive around in circles all day. Isn't that nicer than being cramped up all day in this tiny apartment?

a madman: Well, at least we won't have to worry about making everything Neon-accessible. Or would we just be putting drive-thrus everywhere?

Captain Fresh: Eh, does it matter if they're just going to end up on a reservation?

a madman: Either way, I don't want to have to put up with the hassle of being second in line for some cyborg sitting in the drive-thru at the pharmacy or liquor store.

Dire Hamster: Yeah, and I don't want to be considered a second class citizen when it comes to athletics. How's a guy supposed to make a living as a professional underground prizefighter when the cyborg cars can just run him over? "It's getting to where a guy can't even MAKE a decent living with all these robot cars taking all the good jobs!"

a madman: Ha! Let's see them play basketball, though!

Captain Fresh: Let's see YOU play basketball after being run over by a car.

a madman: A Neon? I'd get up and dust myself off. Now, if it were a Volvo...

But anyway, so the asshole cyborg runs me over and I get MY brain installed in a Sherman tank. No reservation's going to hold ME, I'm telling you that right now. Screw fuel efficiency. I'm going nuclear-powered.

Next: the horror continues!

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