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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | Big Giant Wookie
   

This Week:  Hooboy.  I downshift into a glossary one week and all the hosebeasts come slurping out of the woodwork.  Where do you people come from?!  Grab your bottle of Mylanta, a nice big spoon, and burrow in for a glimpse at how the other half lives.  Yeap, just when you thought it was safe... some guy is in love with a lesbian, another guy has a great big giant wookie, then there's the dude with the poo fetish, a Quake battle over a woman, and the weekly foreskin guy.  What would we do without weekly foreskin guys?!  And wrapping the whole thing up with a small show of good taste is id software's Graeme Devine, who shared his teenage embarrassing moment with us in the midst of the q3test releases.  Graeme rules.

  Chasing Amy-itis
I've known this woman (names have been removed to protect the innocent) for around, oh, five years, on and off.  In the last two we've become good friends, nothing more, but I realized that I had stronger feelings for her. However, I didn't tell her because I didn't want to spoil the friendship.  About nine months ago, just before my resolve was going to break, she told me, in confidence, that she was gay...you can imagine the effect.  

          -Gaydar

Check out that big dude sitting next to you in class.  Yes, that one, the guy with the back hair and the stubble on his chin.  Do you want him?  Does he make your tadpole wiggle?  Can you imagine yourself in a hot sweaty embrace with him?  No?  That's about how this woman feels toward you.  Not that there's anything wrong with you as a person, just as I'm sure your classmate is also a fine individual.  Men just don't do it for her, and you, my dear, were born with the darn luck of being a male. 

Part of being a male is, like you mentioned, wanting what you can't have.  Typical Guy Syndrome.  It's been my experience that guys never know they want something until you tell them they can't have it.  Then, suddenly, it's all they think about, all they talk about.  They dream, pray, draw pictures.  And eventually, get over it.  Your obsession is quite probably a form of mourning.  Seriously, you are grieving for what you know can never be, something that you had envisioned in your mind and breathed life into in your fantasies.  Now, all of that has been shattered and you need time to heal from it.  

And you will.  In time. 

  Anyone Got A Shoehorn?
Mynx, I could use some advice.  I have an extremely thick penis and because of this, nearly all of the girls I have tried to make love to in the past have not been able to accommodate it, and I didn't want to hurt them, so I didn't force the issue.  My rigid rocket is just average in length, but for width has the same circumference as my wrist.  And no, this isn't a brag.  Now I am in a new relationship with a wonderful, but petite girl, and I'm afraid there will be problems when the time comes to play hide the sausage.  Can a girl, over time, learn to relax enough to be able to take the full quarter pounder with cheese?  From what I understand, it's largely a relaxation thing.  Or do I need to restrict myself to bigger girls?  I'm willing to be patient and make do with other ways of having fun, but it would be good to know there is hope for the old fella downstairs.  

          - Jimmy Dean

Well, yes.  There is hope.  The thing is though hon, you can't just finish your beer and then get your groove on.  It just doesn't work that way.  You need to take time.  Lots of it.  Give it at least a half an hour of foreplay before you even attempt lift off.  In fact, this goes for more than just you guys who just jumped off the farm truck.  EVERY guy should do this.  EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU.  Trust me on this one - spend some time on her, make sure she is relaxed, comfortable, and into the situation, and she'll be putty in your hands.  There's nothing worse than a guy who just lies there and waits, or a guy who tries to get right down to business.  Blooey.

As for the whole petite thing, forget it.  The size of a woman's stature has nothing whatsoever to do with her love sock.  The female bits are meant to expand and contract - it's that lovely design that makes childbirth possible, dig?  Body shape and size don't relate to sexual accommodation.  So go on, spend some time working on your petite girlie.  Things should work out well.

  Ick
I'm 19 years old, since about 16 I have been consumed with certain sexual urges towards poop. The smell, touch and I imagine, though I haven't had the balls to pick up a big sticky lump and chow down on it, the taste all excite my little love kau. I'm pretty sure such an urge isn't exactly what could be termed as normal so I have, up until now, been very secretive, for fear of the rejection telling people about my urges might receive. Recently however I met this really great girl and we started getting a little love thang going on, 'cause of my inclination towards the poop side I sometimes have trouble becoming seriously aroused and enjoying  myself during sex without some kind of faecafecaler. Yet cause I feel so strongly for this girl I wanna have the most enjoyable sex life with her as possible. So mynxypie (I figure I'm telling you about my poop love I can call you mynxypie) what I need to know is do I tell her I wanna touch her fudge and risk the rather normal reaction such a request would receive, no doubt ending our love thang, or do I keep schtoom and let her think that I'm just not that sexually excited by her and more to the point will I end up on jerry springer?  

          -Rectyum

Jerry might just be happy to hear from you.  But uh, yeow.  I normally have a pretty open mind but even I have trouble getting my head around this one.  I'm glad to see you've not taken a knife and fork to the loo just yet... you get into some pretty serious bacterial yuck when you start looking to the potty for a snack.  There are many many reasons why you shouldn't ingest dung, the least of which is not that it's just really really yucky.  But of course, as always, who am I to judge?

As for your girl, well, tread lightly.  It is quite possible that she'll be horrified at the mere mention and her bowels will clench in a knot whenever she's near you.  On the other hand, she just might be willing to give it a try.  If all else fails, there is always fantasy.  Yes, your brain is your most powerful weapon and most fulfilling sexual stimulant.  If you need to think about corn when you're hoeing her garden, by god man, do so.  Nobody but you needs to know about it, and you aren't doing anything wrong by fantasizing.  Just remember, if she tells you she's not into it, don't force the issue. 

Go on.  You know you want to.

  Frag For A Female
My friend and I, we both liked this girl, so he challenged me to a game of good ol Quake 2.  Whoever won the match, would get the girl, and the girl knew about this deal.  I beat his ass, but he still wants the girl!!! He just doesndoesn'tit!  I feel like beating his ass down physically now.  What should I do???

          -Grunt

Not a thing.  If you won this girl outright, and she has agreed to abide by this little duel, then there's not a thing you need to do except get on with your girlie.  If she's with you, what can he do except look on and be jealous?  Just cuz he still wants her doesn't mean he gets her, see?  On another subject, you should find someone (try your mom) to give you a good asskicking for treating women like property to be won and traded.  Shame on you!

  The Obligatory Foreskin Question
I am a 16 year old male with a serious problem. I am not circucircumcised; I have foreskin and I am very embarembarrassedt. Get this: I have been turned down and flat out refused to have my manhood 'spit shined' by my girlfriend (who decided we werenweren't 'right for eachoeach othernever told her or anyone about mr. foreskin because I could just imagine everyone talking about it. It makes me sick. No one in north ameriAmericaforeskin but me, I'm a freak. My question to you is have you ever seen foreskin before, do women find it revolting? I think it has something to do with my parents being britiBritishnot religious in anyway.  

          -Lava

This ex-girlfriend of yours has, uh, some "issues".  It has nothing to do with you or your little monkey, and everything to do with her own penis fear.  Listen closely, now: you are lucky!  Being born to British parents is the best thing that could have ever happened to your penis.  Yes, I have seen a foreskin before.  I see one every day, about ten times a day.  It's not as fun as you may be thinking - I'm talking about diaper changing.  That's right, here in North America, we chose to leave our son intact.  You would be surprised to know that the circumcision rate in America is dropping steadily, and in fact the American Academy of Pediatrics came out with a new recommendation last month on the issue.  Routine circumcision is no longer the medical recommendation!   As an intact man you have all sorts of benefits and sensesensitivities your circumcised counterparts do not.  You are not a freak.  You are not abnormal.  At age 16 it is entirely typical to feel like a freak and an outcast.  Welcome to teenage angst. 

So relax a little bit.  You are the way mother nature made you - be proud of your penis!  It's a Good Thing(tm)!

  Embarrassment Spotlight
With a grand *plonk* we drop back into industry-dude spotlights.  That smartypants over at id software, Graeme Devine (every time I mention his name Mental says "ooh ooh, he did 7th Guest!!"  doy.) checks in this week for a tale of how his youthful foray into higher learning was cut short by a go-round with Atari.  Is anyone else craving a crumpet...?.

"I was about sixteen or so and I was working for Atari in the UK.  But I was also in school doing my "A" levels (like college here in the USA).  I was working on various British and Japanese ports of Pole Position to all the
various machines.  Anyway, Atari was threatening to break my legs if I didn't finish the game (well, not literally, but they were, uh, anxious) and I decided to take a week off school to finish the thing.  I worked away, slaved on the game, and almost got it done.  When I went back to school my parents decided it was best to always be truthful.  So in I went with my note saying I had taken a week off to work on a computer game.  We had assembly, and at the end I was publicly called to the head master's office.  He told me what a terrible person I was, and finished up with "we're going to have to let you go over this, this is unacceptable.   Hand all of your
books back today and go home."

I had been expelled.

So.  This doesn't happen to nerds.  It shocked the teachers, the pupils, everyone.  It was "hey, they expelled the guy who has no life who's clever!" (not that I'm clever, I just impersonate well).  The school had a sit-in, and came to a grinding halt.

It's either that story or how I was the downfall of Activision UK from Joan Collins' bedroom in Knightsbridge, London."


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