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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | Backdoor
   

This Week:  What to do with a gay Quake player ("not that there's anything wrong with that.."), self love as witnessed by a sibling, Quake apathy because of a chick, hot and sweaty Quake, and some guy writes in about his backdoor wife love.  Quake 3 is out - quit pestering me.

  Quakeual Orientation
There's a guy in my class that's a splendid Quaker (and bullshitter) who enjoys admiring uh........men, yeah as in WE GUYS.  His Quaking skills are splendid and he offers a "helping hand", inviting us to his 23 computered house.  An ex-classmate found out he was gay by noticing his uh, "cassanovical" stances (e.g. placing the barracuda on a desk while standing). We other normal people think that he's covering up the fact that he's "straight" but don't think so. Please advise for the sake of ten other normal growing guys  

          -NotI

Ok, pay attention now.  Ready?  Listening close?  YOU CAN'T TELL IF SOMEONE IS GAY JUST BY LOOKING.  Well, usually.  Oh, and being gay is just as "normal" as your "normal", dig?  His sexual orientation means nothing with regard to his Quake playing or his worthiness as a friend.  Wherever he chooses to hide the kongdong, that's HIS business.  Not yours.  Thank you, drive through.

  *whack* *whack* *whack*
So here I am in the computer room looking at nudie pics, while whacking my lovestick. While I'm at it, my brother opens the door, I quickly slam my self the deepest I could in the desk, while trying to look normal.  Anyways my bro starts a conversation, I'm acting like I don't care so he would leave and so he did. But just before he left, I noticed that he quickly looked down in direction of the desk (with that kind of desk its pretty hard to see anything). The day after, he knocks on the door before entering the room, that's when I knew he really noticed what I was doing the other day before. I can't seem to stop thinking about this, its been a couple of days and I'm still embarrassed! Please help, any suggestions would be appreciated.  

          - Wanker

I suggest you do what you claim you cannot: stop thinking about it.  Unless you think you can have an open and honest conversation with your bro about the perils of young manhood and self-love, you'd be better served to just shut your piehole and get on with your life.  Oh, and buy a lock for your door.  I mean, really.  Talk about "heading" it off at the pass.

  Always Something There To Remind Me
My girlfriend and I had been seeing each other for about two and a half years. I was forced to leave school due to medical reasons, while she stayed to continue working towards her degree. When we were together we played Quake together.. but a month ago she dumped me (in a chat room).. and now I can't even look at Quake without missing her terribly. To top it off, she's now in the chat rooms all of the time, flirting with guys all over the place, and it drives me nuts.  What the heck do I do to get over her and get back to Quake?  

          -Dumpy

She ended a two and a half year relationship in a CHAT room?  Yeowch.  As nasty as it sounds, if she could drop you that easily, I would question her loyalty and affection for you in the first place.  Two years is a lot of time for such an impersonal ditch.  It is possible to get on with life even with her moving in the same circles you do... but you need to understand that she is there, and she is flirting, and she's probably doing it all for one benefit: jealousy.  She's trying to make you jealous, flaunt what you no longer have, and make you want to crawl under the buttcrack of a toad... and you know what?  It's working.  She's got you right where she wants you.. For the love of toejam, man, how can you let her stand between you and Quake?  I can only hope that since Quake3 has been released, you're overcoming your, er, shortcoming and getting back to what's really good in life.  It is the ultimate power trip for her to ruin the things that make you happy.  Don't let her.  Embrace Quake.  Caress your mouse.  Flick your tongue ever so lightly over the down arrow.  Dim the lights, break out the Love Ewe, and give yourself a chance to become one with Quake yet again.

Go on.  You know you want to.

  Wet T-shirt Contests Among Quake Geeks
For all the years I've been gaming I've had this small problem.  Actually, the earliest occurrence of it that I can remember was while playing Warcraft 1 on the PC, but that's as far back as I want to go.  I'll be tooling along, playing Quake or Starcraft or EverQuest, and I'll be smack dab in the middle of a multi-hour session when out of nowhere I'll feel it.

*plip*

I'll feel a drip of liquid hit the side of my rib cage and run down to my waist.  My hand will stray over to find the source of this wellspring and will inevitably find my armpit to be soaked.  I don't understand this.  It's not like I'm seriously exerting myself or moving the mouse in a strenuous manner, but no matter what, after an hour or so of playing I'll find a river running through my pit.

I thought that I was the only one who had this happen to him, until my roommate mentioned experiencing a similar phenomenon.  Now I'm curious as to how widespread this problem is, which has since been dubbed "Pit
Sweat."  (Note that this can be distinguished from regular armpit sweat by the way that it literally *drips*, as in from a leaky faucet, one drop at a time from your armpit onto your torso.)  Also I was curious if any female gamers out there who shaved their armpits have ever had this happen to them, or if it's just us guys who don't trim the bushes.  Any assistance you can give me in my research, aimed at one day stopping this terribly problem, would be greatly appreciated.

          -Right Guard

Woah, you must be on some psychic wavelength with the other sweaty Quake dude from a couple weeks ago.  Since you address the issue of shaved armpits, though, (and since it's always good to know you're not alone) I'll go ahead and print this.  From what I understand, a nice crop of pit hair does indeed contribute to underarm sweat.  It retains heat, and moisture, and is just a perfect dank little home for all the beads of sweat to accumulate.  Me, I'm not a big fan of body hair, so I shave under my arms, and I can tell you in all honesty, I've never experienced the pit drip that you speak of - not while playing on the computer, anyway.  Try giving the old tangles a bit of a trim, and use a gel or spray anti-perspirant, one that can really cut through the hair and get to the skin.  Also give my advice to the other guy a try - some fans, an open window, etc.  If all else fails, just be wet.  Really, it's fun.  Even moreso if you've got a leather chair.

  She Changed The Lock On My Backdoor/Now My Key Don't Fit No More
I have been reading your column religiously for about a year and a half now and kept up with your marriage, baby, and life stuff (tm) by checking out your web page(s). I personally think you a cool, straight shooting, Quake mamma.   Anyway, I am 30 yrs old and married to a beautiful 31 yr old woman.  The other nite I talked her into some self-love while I watched from behind.

Things finally got so heated that I just could take it any more so I made a mad dash from the rear.  Without really trying (and without the benefit of careful aim) my lovely wife accepted me via the "in thru the out door". Due to excessive moisture I was totally unaware of my back door snafu and my wife never skipped a beat.

It wasn't until later after collapsing in a heap that she informed me she had just participated in aforementioned activity for the first time (and enjoyed it :] )

what I was wondering is, since this is my wife, I do not bag the ole sandwich, and am concerned about any icky bacteria or other problems to be concerned about, as this activity is not something I know a lot about.

I open myself to the knowledge of the mynx.  

          -Backdoor Man

Well, gee, first of all, thanks for sharing.  As long as the two of you are and have been monogamous and in good health... with good personal hygiene, I say hey, whatever fluffs your lovebunny.  There's no delicate way to say this, so uh - make sure that your lovely has made a trip to the potty before you get down to poop, er, business, and when all is said and, well, done.. a little soap and water can only help.

  Embarrassment Spotlight
The following Embarrassment Spotlight contributor is a rare one - a dear Canadian girlfriend of mine has shared this little diddy with me, and I laughed so hard I nearly.. well, you'll see.  Hold the door for her, gentlemen, and welcome the north's hottest blonde babe - Ms. Laurie Rookes.

I went to a gas station, alone.  Swiped my credit card in the gas thingy, and proceeded to pump my gas.  I then finish, get in my car and drive away.

As I am going... these 3 guys came chasing me, thumping their hands on the side of my car, and one in the front trying to stop me from going, pounding on my hood, yelling at me to stop.  I freaked out, drove away fast, calling 911 on my cellular phone.  The police told me to drive to this area, and will send a car to see me.  I was fucking shaking! 

The policemen were there, and asked for me to accompany them to the gas station to see if anyone there had seen anything, so I followed them there.  Well, shit, we get there, and they *ARE* there, talking to another police car, I jumped to *my* police car yelling "that's them, that's them"  (I was smiling, funny I thought it was all kind of exciting now!)  while I was yelling this, the three guys were saying, (they were calm) "there she is, there she is".

Wha?   We are all confused, but after a quick discussion of both parties involved, it would appear that lil' Ms. Rookes' card didn't go through with her feeble "swipe", and they were trying to bust me for gassing up, and taking off without paying!  I swear to God, I peed myself laughing, I actually peed!!"


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