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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | "Twig and Berries"
   

This Week: Uncooperative winkies, Mynx's stinky feet, some guy utterly enthralled with the Shambler, Quake for love and comfort, and Big Gay Al stops by to wish for Paul Steed. Sort of makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.

  Up Up Up and Down Down Down!
I've got a problem, and I'm just about at my wits end. After being one of the world's definitive geeks for over 20 years, I've finally managed to get myself a girlfriend. Going into the relationship she knew I was as pure as the driven snow. I told her at the start of our relationship that while I'd been a virgin for so long I still wasn't ready for the horizontal mambo. She was totally cool with it. Now over the past few months we've done everything but introduce our "little people" to each other, and everything had been
working fine. About a month ago I decided I was ready to go all the way with her. We rented a hotel room and made plans for a romantic evening. Much to my horror though, when the time finally came, my little guy packed up his bags and ran away screaming! I literally went as limp as a wet sponge, and that wasn't the worst part! Everytime we've been alone together since then I flash on that night and he runs away screaming again. It's driving me nuts! I can get to third base and everything will be working fine, but once we're alone and the thought of sex pops into my head, that's it. I can only get him up again if I tell her that we won't make love. While my girlfriend tells me its ok with her, I can tell that she's getting really frustrated because she REALLY want's us to be intimate.

I feel like such a freak! One of the world's oldest virgins, who now has a girlfriend that really wants to take care of the whole virgin issue, and I just can't make it to the homeplate. I've been obsessing about the whole thing for weeks now. I really do want to make love to her, but I just don't know what to do. I'm so scared that I'll lose her, because she's getting more and more frustrated each time we're alone and my dick does it's impression of a wet sponge. 

What the hell do I do?  

          -Bob Dole

Relax.  No, I mean it.  RELAX.  You're getting so worked up concentrating on getting a stiffy that you're focusing far too much attention on it.  Poor little schmekkie is getting stage fright!  The more you worry about your banana, the less of a chance you'll get to feed it to her monkey.  Try focusing on your woman, lavish your attentions on her and put your penis out of your, er, mind.  Pay less attention to taking care of the "virgin issue" and more attention to being together, and see what, well, comes of it.

    Mynx's Little Piggies
I must have a picture of your feet, feet  =   good.  

          -Big Bad Wolf

You = buttmonkey.

  Shambler Love
Last time I checked, the idea was to kill the monsters right?  I just can't do it!  Yeah, it's those Quake monsters.  Now the Fiend, he's so awesome; but, the Shambler just towers over all.  Look at him!  A big, tall, diabolic, fraggin' teddy bear!  Am I crazy?  Seriously thought, because these minions of darkness are becoming a major obsession.  Everytime I play a lil Quake, I have nightmares that all those slain shamblers are coming to get revenge.  It's getting a tad bit spooky.  How can I enjoy single player action if I'm forced to either read "Player was smashed by a Shambler" or flee from lightning spewing demons in my dreams all night?  Oh yeah, and why doesn't Toys 'R Us carry plush Quake monsters!?  Argghh..  

          -Minion of Tardness

Ah yes.  It's subliminal, see.  Your subconscious sees the shambler's face as a great big alien vagina (that throws lightning, but its my understanding that alien vaginas are capable of more than just lightning), and being male you are programmed to become a slave to the big walking woo woo.  You'll just have to live with this, as there is no escaping alien pooty.

  Quake Makes Me Quiver
I love Quake.  LOVE IT.  I can't stop playing it, it gives me wood and makes me smile.  If I've had a hard day coding I can totally release my pent up frustrations, penile or otherwise.  Do you think it's weird that I've latched on to Quake for comfort and joy?  Is there something wrong with me?  BTW I'm male, 30, single, and I masturbate once a day or so, in case you need to know that.   

          -Tosser

Zanshin, is that you? :)  I don't see anything actually wrong with you for using Quake to help you relax, but do you think maybe you should go outside once in awhile?  Yes, I said outside.  That place with the big ball of fire in the sky and stuff.  I know it's scary out there, but there really is more to life than code, Quake, and gripping your gourd.  Gee if you wandered outside maybe you'd even find someone ELSE to grip your gourd - and that would be way fun.  When part of a balanced diet, Quake can be a highly nutritious part of your everyday lifestyle.

  Does Paul Steed Play for the Home Team?
I gotta say it Mynxy.  I think Paul Steed is gay.  That's right, a homosexual!  I've never seen so much overcompensation in my life as we get from this guy!  No regular guy struts around like that - he chases after hootchie like a little kid after an ice cream truck!  I can't help but wonder if he's not trying to prove something.  The worst part is he has YOU fooled, and you don't strike me as the sort who fools easily.  How can anyone possibly buy that act?  My gaydar goes PING PING PING!  He gives us regular guys a bad name.  

          -Big Gay Al

Hoooooo boy.  I hate to burst your bubble honey but I don't think anyone would work THAT hard at something they didn't really love, dig?  Chalk it up to an obscene overdose of testosterone.  You know, you may as well toss out that gaydar - you're jamming up the frequency.  Just accept the fact that because you have a twig and berries, you don't have a chance at shagging Mr. Steed.  I know it's painful, but I'm sure there's a man out there for you, you just have to go out and find him. 

You can wish Steed were gay just as much as I wish big old naked bongo playing Matthew McConaughey were straight, but wishing really hard just ain't gunna cut it. 


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