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Dear
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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | Donkey Dong
   

This Week:   Learning how to stroke your poker, how to tell your parents you're engaged to be married to Super Schlong, what to do when no girl on earth will date you, some guy wonders about Graeme Devine's penis, talking about focusing sex on chicks, and a stinky floater of an embarrassment spotlight.  Alright, who hid the batteries?

  Just How Do You Punch The Munchkin?
Hi. I'm a 15 year old male. This is kinda embarrassing, but I don't know what masturbation is and how to do it. When I ask my friends how to masturbate, they just laugh at me! They all say it's really great, so can you please tell me what it is and how to do it?    

          -Strokeless

Oh dear.  You know, despite what I might say at any other time, you don't HAVE to masturbate.  Typically though young men will get a spontaneous stiffy, look down and think, "hmm, I'd like to rub that", and then go to it, thus, masturbation is discovered.  The whole idea behind self gratification is simulating intercourse, in that you wrap your hand (or both hands, or your cat or something) around your hamhock and rub in such a way that you find pleasing.  It's really not difficult to do, and it's all a matter of personal preference.  Some guys like to use a little bit of lubricant, some don't.  Some like to hold on tight, others don't.  It's all subjective and it's up to you and your schmekkie.

  Here "Comes" The Bride!
How would you tell your parents if you were 19 and engaged to a guy who's 22? especially if your dad might be..ok is.. An extremely over protective father and your mom thinks he can only be a "best friend".  We've known each other for about 3 years now. His family pretty nice, they like me except they only know me over the phone. My fianc? and I are planning to get hitched after I graduate college in two years. How do I tell my parents, and once I tell them how do I keep my dad from committing 1st degree murder? Did I mention that my dad just decided he wants a divorce, making this my mother's third? I just wanted some advice from someone who's not biased. Thanks! By the way.. I just wanted to say something in regards to "Soft and Dry" a letter you had previously answered... my fianc? and I waited to have sex until after he proposed to me.. about a year.. and I don't know if he did die a virgin in his last life  but at 14 inches he could be a porn star and is one hell of a lover!  

          -Bride

Well congratulations to you for finding a man hung like a donkey, and good luck on being able to walk after a night wrapped around that bad boy.  As for your parents... um, hello?!  You're not 14 years old here, you're legally an "adult", and in my opinion you are making a mature decision, waiting to marry until after you have graduated college.  Your parents blessing, while nice to have, isn't exactly necessary.  If you have found your soulmate, the one person you know you belong with, then you can make that happen without driving your father to kill your intended.  If I were in your (obviously full access) position, I would sit down with the old parental units and tell them that you and Mr. Donkey Dong have been together about three years now, that you love each other (you can leave out how much you love his great big dick and quivering scrotum, that may not fly so well) and that you intend to be married once you graduate college.  Tell them that you love them and really appreciate their support, understanding and good wishes.  In other words, set them up with an expectation that they will be happy for you and they'll look like real bunglickers if they don't come through. :)  Good luck, and happy penising.

  No Girls For YOU!
I got a real big problem I am 18 and no girl what so ever is attracted to me I even tried asking out girls that are 200 pounds and over and they still weren't attracted they all tell me I am so ugly not even a chimp would want me...

What the heck should I do I am 18 who the heck am I gonna go to the prom with #1, #2 I don't know how the hell to kiss a girl #3 I never even got a simple hug from any girl I liked...

When I look at a girl and am interested in her I can assure my self one of these these many things #1 She thinks I am ugly , #2 she has a boyfriend, #3 she's pregnant, #4 She's married, #5 she's too damn young...

Always one of those screws up my relationships. No girl was ever attracted to me they just push me back and I feel like one hell of a sorry loser, bah John Romero you think his hair looks so damn great geez my hair is so damn healthy it grows so fast that it pisses my mom off....    the problem I got now is WHO AM I GONNA GO TO THE PROM WITH???    

          -Loveless

Okay your first step here is to stop sniffing glue.  So you're a late bloomer.... it's not going to kill you.  Sure, it may feel like it will, but nobody has ever died from being dateless.  I tend to believe there is at least one person out there that is a perfect match for you, specifically.  There are a whole lot of people who may be a close fit and will be a hell of a lot of fun to try on, but, when it comes down to it, no matter what you look like, how you smell or how crooked your penis is, there is a mate out there for you, and one day, he/she/it will find you.  So even though you may not be basking in any chick juice at the moment, someday, somewhere, you will.  As for your prom, you can go stag with friends, ask a female friend to go with you, beg every chick you see on irc to go (hi manero!), or hell, just don't go.  I went to my junior prom with a guy I didn't exactly dig and it was a miserable experience.  He was a pecker and I was bored, and a bad time was pretty much had by all.  I would have had more fun if I'd stayed home and waxed off all my pubic hair.

    Just What IS Graeme Devine?!
I know this is a stupid question, but this has bugged me for weeks and I can't take it anymore.  Is Graeme Devine a dude or a chick?  It's one of those weird names you just can't tell what is (sorta like Pat, Kyle......).  Yes, I know it is a stupid question, but I just can't stand it any longer.       

          -Pat

Well, as far as I know, Graeme ("He did 7th Guest!!") has a penis.  Not that I've ever seen it or anything, or even heard tales about it (except for that Joan Collins incident...) but I can tell you that most people agree, while he may not be human, Grame Devine is indeed male. 

  Bumping Uglies: All About The Chick?
Why is it that nowadays it seems like (hetero) sex is all about the woman's pleasure?  I mean, certainly it's good that women's enjoyment of sex in this country has finally become recognized in the last few decades, but it almost seems like there's very little
information about (or push for) women pleasing men in bed.

Is it somehow "obvious" or "simple" how to please a man?  Are women just passing down the knowledge of how to do this successfully enough that there's no need for it to be a public issue?  (I count women's magazines in the category of "passing down.")  In my (limited) experience, my girlfriends have asked me occasionally how they can increase my pleasure at times when I wasn't really having a stupendous time, and I didn't know what to say.

To be politically incorrect, it almost seems as though the answer is that women don't (can't?) do much in most of the sexual positions (except fellatio and on top), or at least the women I've been with don't do much.  Most of the time, it seems like women prefer not to be "in charge" during sex - is this somehow "natural," or is it an artifact of sexist society telling us that feminine = passive, or is it women's newfound power making men slaves to fulfill women's desires while the women sit back and enjoy?  I can see how men certainly get pleasure from knowing that they're causing their partners intense pleasure, but an overemphasis on the woman's pleasure can mean that men get the short end of the, uh, stick.  And in my limited experience, plenty of young women are ignorant as I am about how to please a man, apart from looking pretty and letting him take charge.

Please, for the sake of both sexes, enlighten all of us with some good ol' Mynx  knowledge shaken down from the booty tree.  

          -Love Muffin

Generally, yes, men are easy.  It is a hell of a lot harder to please women.  Due to simple anatomy, the place where you put your schmekkie is located quite a ways away from the spot that *really* feels good fer the old women folk, and it's very hard to hit that spot without some creative positioning/rubbing.  Not to mention that it can take up to 45 minutes to really get a woman good and worked up, while guys are generally ready to go with the gust of a warm breeze.  When your girlfriends ask what they can do to better your experience, give them the answer that works for both sexes: "Lick HERE" and point.  The overemphasis should be on the pleasure of both partners.  You should be doing everything you possibly can for her, and she should be doing the same for you - it's not about just one person, after all, there are two (or maybe three if you're lucky) of you who are naked.  There are times when it is nice for one person to focus totally on the other, and that should be done every now and again just as a nice little treat.  Now that I think about it you may be asking the wrong person since I like to think that every woman should be laid on a bed of rose petals and licked from head to toe every day for an hour, but, hey, that's just me.

  Embarrassment Spotlight
Oh man, I can just see the look on this poor dude's face!  I got a serious tickle out of this poop tale, and couldn't resist sharing.  Thanks to Doug Stewart for sharing his most painful poop.

I've been seeing a certain special someone for quite a while here, and we've talked at great lengths about the big "M".  You know, marriage.

Anyways, all of this talk had gone on without me meeting her folks (my future inlaws).  I'm an East Coaster; she's from Texas.  This summer was the first chance I had to haul my rear down to TX to meet the fam.  As I was planning to ask her father for permission to marry her, it's easy to see the amount of trepidation with which I approached this trip.

All was going well for the first few days.  Now, this being Texas, my exposure to "real" Mexican food was inevitable.  Returning home from our South-of-the-Border gorging, both myself and my (then) girlfriend had, how shall I say, full bowels.  We sat in her parents' living room for a few hours, flipping channels until well after her parents went to bed.  At this point, I excused myself to "drop the kids off at the pool."

Now, I'm not one to go into messy details, but this particular poop was a monster, a real Three Flusher, if you get my drift.  Unfortunately, my inlaws' house is an old one, with associated old plumbing.  So I flushed once, twice, three times.  To my utter chagrin, flush number three sent a cascade of water over the edge of the Big White Throne, complete with fecal swimmers and little bits of TP liferaft for good measure.

I uttered a barely audible epithet.  Shortly thereafter, my fianc? knocked on the door.  "Are you all right?" She queried, as she opened the door.  What sight met her eyes, but her future husband, standing ankle deep in fecal matter-infested stinkwater in the middle of her parents' bathroom?

What could I do but burst into laughter?  I had no choice.

After we cleaned the mess up (she's so sweet, ain't she? To help me like that...), I foreswore her to tell no one of this sequence of events.

All would have been well, but what does her mother say to me the next day? "Don't worry about what happened.  The plumbing is old.  That happens quite often."  I was mortified.


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