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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | I'm Baaaaaaaack!

Got problems with your girlfriend because she can't take your constant Quake playing? Are you finding yourself just a little too attracted to the game models? Then talk to Mynx and she'll sort it all out for you!

This Week:  Do teenage lovers have a real chance at saying I do?  What do you do if your penis is 9 inches long and your girlfriend's a virgin?  Some guy wanks while his 12 year old sister takes in an eyeful, another guy has a bad case of the zit monster, and some dude can't figure out what to do with the spoo.  It's another action packed edition of Dear Mynx, complete with Graeme Devine's romp with robobabes.  God, it's so good to be back! 

  Young Love
My girlfriend and I have been going out a while now and we really love each other. We plan on being with each other for the rest of our lives. Some people have doubts about us staying together that long and some people think that we will make it. I figured that since you know more about relationships than people our age, I should ask you if you think we will last. We are starting college right now, so we're not some Junior High kids planning our future. So, do you think it is possible for us to last?
By the way, could you give me some hints or tips to keep our relationship from ever fading away?


You have a shot, sure.  In fact, I set up my two dearest friends when we were in high school - he was a sophomore, my best friend and I were juniors.  They're married now, have been together for ten years.  So long as you're not running off jackhammering goats in your free time what she heats up the local bung scene, you quite probably have a good chance.  Develop interests together.  If she tells you she wants to take part in the annual dungspitting contest, participate too!  The couple that spits dung together, stays together. I personally found that at your age I was too young to be making lifelong commitments - but you may not be as insane as I.  Good luck.

  Schmekkies For Distance
I am in need of some desperate help!!! Ok, I'm going to say that I am blessed with a rather large male member (9", as I found out this weekend) and his two side-kicks downstairs. And I know that most girls are looking for a bigger and better ride than most, but just read on.

My girlfriend's parents were gone on buisness, and we decided to spend some quality time together, and maybe even "Do the deed". Well, after a lot of fondling and foreplay, when it got time to go for it, she got scared. The thing is, she's really small, and I can usually satisfy her with alot of finger action, and she finally admitted to me that she's afraid of the pain involved (she's a virgin too.)

What am I to do??? She knows that it will hurt when she loses her virginity.
And I don't want to cause her any MORE undue pain, but the cracking of jokes about me splitting her in two (now twins would be fun... *grins*) has to stop. It's just frustrating hearing everyone say "bigger is better." Any advice? 

-The Famous Mr. Ed

Hey, it doesn't always hurt, you know.  When I lost my virginity it didn't hurt a bit - quite the opposite actually.  But then again he was hung like a flea so I may have no room to talk.  Even so, the next guy I slept with was affectionatlely referred to as DonkeySchlong, and that didn't hurt either.  Some girls DO experience pain when taking the plunge (or the plunger, rather) for the first time, and that is usually hymen related.  If she is athletic, rides bikes or even horses, or has ever used a tampon, chances are she doesn't have one left.  Even if she does have some discomfort the first time, believe me, that does not last! :D

Take it slow and give her time to get used to the feeling as you progress each step of the way.  Let her tell you what is comfortable and what is not.  Use plenty of astroglide and for the love of bob man use a condom!  I don't care if you're virgins, do it anyway.  Because I said so.  Oh, and let me know how it goes, eh?

  Sister Spectator
I have a little problem. Actually, I don't but my little sister does. Let's just say that I pull my wire pretty often. I've been caught by both parents and they know when my door is closed, not to bother me but my sister didn't.

She's only 12 and I was yanking my chain like usual. (damn that sounds funny!) I was nearing orgasm and then my sister walked into my room and seen my lying there on my bed with my dick in my hand, beating furiously.  She was miffed to say the least.

She had a boyfriend at the time. Stupid me said, "What? This is normal! All guys do this!" She no longer has a boyfriend. She cringes just at the word  sex and many other words like that. She insistes to call her cat (which she always called her pussycat) by his name now. She knew nothing of sex before walking in on me.

Help! I'm desperate! I don't want her to grow up and live her life, completly afraid of a penis and dying a virgin... Or do you think she'll grow out of it eventually? She's been like this and she can't look at me for more than a second before she obviously remembers what she seen....

-Weird Al Yankinit 

Well for starters, it wasn't stupid to say that all guys wank.  That's true, and probably helped her to understand that you were not the only weird sicko on the planet.  It is unfortunate, but the sight of your potsticker has been burned on her poor little innocent brain forever.  She will not, however, die a virgin or some sort of prude.  At 12 many girls are still entrenched in the 'boys are yucky' phase.  She'll outgrow it, she'll go on to discover mansteaks on her own, and she'll forget about it.  Eventually.  Probably before she's 30, I'd say.  In the meantime, get a freakin lock for your door, dig?

   He's Gunna Blow!!
Hi, I have a little problem, you see, im 15 and have acne and there is this really hot girl in some of my classes and she doesn't have a boyfriend, I mean every time I see her i'm knocked off my feet. When ever I am with my friends and start talking to her I start to worry if my acne is too ugly or something?  What should I do?


You know, if it is really such an issue for you, get to a dermatologist.  Youre friendly neighborhood zit doctor can do a lot for your poor self esteem.  Beyond that, though, I have to tell you that it may not be as bad as you think it is.  The guy I lost my virginity to (the abovementioned gnatpenis) had long curly hair, gorgeous blue eyes flecked with green, and could play guitar beautifully.  He also had pretty darn bad skin.  Cystic, in some places.  Really bad.  But he was still beautiful and still talented and still managed to make me want him.  Bad.  Oh so bad.  So brush up your 'tude and see if you can't get her attention with your charm and wit.  A little dash of sexual tension and flirting never hurts, either.  Just don't go up to her and say "hey baby, I make games, wanna fuck?"  Doesn't work.  (well, not usually)

   The New Goo Review
I'm not new to puberty, but ever since I first masturbated (by coincidence, I might add) - I had a question I think is appropriate: how do you dispose of all the "foam"? OK, I get the general procedure: you whip your penis out, start rubbing; and now all the liquid thing starts pouring out. What do you do with it?

My parents never explained to me about the entire process of the 'birds and the bees' as Americans call it; and so, all information I know by now was drawn either from tv/movies or from talks with people on irc. But in all honesty, I never found a real answer - what the hell do you do with that?

Thanks. Somehow I have the impression I'm just about the last man in the world not to know this most basic piece of information.


Ok well I must say I am intrigued that you discovered hopping your honker by COINCIDENCE - but hey, at least you found the fountain of fun, eh?  And for the record, I would not recommend learning ANYTHING about sex from irc.  I mean come on, do you really want to take sex advice from people who hang out online 16 hours a day?  Er wait, I digress..

Spooge is a wonderful thing.  You'll always make more, so you don't need to go about saving it or something.  Bring a freakin tissue and just wipe off and toss out.  Pick up the closest old sock and dry off then toss in the laundry.  Heck stand in the shower and aim it at the drain.  Where the goo lands is another quandry entirely.  I have known guys who just let fly onto themselves (one got hit in the eye), and others who were devout tissue catchers.  Personally I found the tissue catchers were much more repressed and retentive than the abdomen catchers, but that was just my own little unscientific survey.  There is no right or wrong.  Spooge as you see fit.

  Losin' It
Gaming personalities talk about that magical "first time".  It happens to everyone, even us geeks (well, most everyone), and there's always a tale to tell.  I promise to even share mine, eventually.  This week's deflowered geek is none other than our favorite tasty crumpet, Graeme Devine.

"Well then.

It was long ago, on a dark and stormy night, that I set out on my adventure.  The local pub was strangely deserted except for the usual crowd of 60 or so, and I soon sat down with my favorite friend -- a pint of Guinness.  Watching people come and go, fight and frolic, pass out and puke.  Ahh, the wonders of the British pub scene.

Eight or so Guinnesses later I noticed that I was not alone, a trio of females had sat down with me and were intently studying the Guinness.  Had I been more intoxicated, I wouldn't have noticed that the three were all identical and wearing silver spacesuits.

The conversation turned to the dark liquid.  They asked if it was nutritional, how it was made, and what properties it had.  I answered as truthfully as I could, only elaborating as much as any male in the company of three beautiful tightly sliver clad females would.

Before I knew it, I was being whisked away with a girl in each arm, and a pack of Guinness accompanying the third.  At this point, I realized someone must have slipped me something in that tenth pint because I was feeling a little bit woozy.  I could swear we got into a car that flew and we went up to a spaceship.

We entered a room with strange equipment in it, the girls all tried to comfort me as best they could as they did evil and viscous experiments on the Guinness they had abducted from the pub.  In the end, they tried to subdue me by taking turns having sex with me.  Being a virgin, I wasn't very experienced, and only managed to last a few hours per girl.

I woke up in the park the next day.  Mere footsteps away from the pub.  As I stumbled home I reached into my pocket and found a phone number with the name "Lintilla" next to it.  Out of respect to my favorite friend, I never called.

And that's the nearly true story of how I lost my virginity and learnt a valuable lesson about alcohol abuse.

Of course, things only got stranger after that.  But we'll save that for another story.


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