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Dear
Mynx

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    PlanetQuake | Features | Dear Mynx | Mmm, Guiness
   

Got problems with your girlfriend because she can't take your constant Quake playing? Are you finding yourself just a little too attracted to the game models? Then talk to Mynx and she'll sort it all out for you!

This Week:  Net.Girls pretty much just suck, a quake geek with a darn dandy sized winkie, nose volcanoes, and a kink in the neck of spooge.  I need a drink. 

  Real Life Gotta Git In There Somewhere
Is it ok if I leave the mynx-kissing til the end, unlike almost every letter you get, I need some advice from somebody who does not know the ppl of which I speak. 

In November of last year, I met this girl playing Q2 on mplayer.com "the laggiest place on earth", and we became real close real fast. She kicked my arse too. We were talking one night and she told me she liked me (I am english, so we say things differently) and I was rightly shocked, because I really fancied her! Then we decided to give that whole 'net-lovin' thing a go. She is... *giddy smile* awesome! She opened up for me and pretty soon, I was wracked with a dilemma of telling her I loved her! She told me first though and I nearly had a heart attack. Deadly serious. My heart leapt! She is a virgin and we both decided that no matter how tempted we were, we wouldn't get down and funky with anybody else. LOL, I actually turned a girl down. I am loyal as a dog, except I don't go in for the foul smelling, collar wearing look. We even spent New Year's eve night together. It was LOVE I tells ya! Still is. And thats my problem!! 

We fought a lot, when her ex-b/f came back on the scene (he's on the net too) and he USED to be a friend of mine. We split up for awhile, I am fiercely jealous and she kept disappearing (she is a sports star). Then when I thought I was over her, I got together with another girl and she is in love with me, we're talking "Tell me what you want me to do in the sack", all out "I'd die for you" love. I was happy. I smiled a lot.Disaster struck and guess which horny quake chick comes back and kicks my arse again? Now... well I don't know! I fear my heart belongs to my original quake honey!! She was my first love after all, yet I have it great with my new sweet thang.  Please help me, oh knowledgable Mynx. Your column usually makes me laugh, but I honestly need help!

-Brit.Love

Wait just a goatsaq here... you have not actually *met* this girl, correct?  All of this love and warm furry stuff is all... online?  All in the abstract?  Hey having met my husband online I am ALL for net.love, but this is, well, ridiculous.  Sports star, my fanny.  She'd probably get arrested for wearing spandex.  I tend to judge these things from intuition, and this time, my reliable ole gut feeling is that this Quake girl is a, well, shithead.  Although your new girl sounds like something of a nutbag too, she also seems to be the lesser of two evils in this case.  So uh, yeah.  Dig on the new sweet thang's sugar.

  Pink Torpedo
I'm 16 years old and want to know if my "thing" is big or not, it's not that I'm insecure about it or anything but I just wanna know if its big, small or whatever. So I'm writing you since I can't compare with friends or something  (yuck)  And I AM insecure about asking a girl (what would she think of me?) . Well, to get it over with, I measured "it" while yanking and The biggest it got was 18 cm.  Well? 

-Chubby

Well, some quick conversion on my part and I come up with (or rather, YOU come up with) 7.2 inches.  That's a nice slice of hogmeat, if you ask me .  I would recommend you go ahead and ask a girl - she'd probably be delighted.  Well, I would, but then you know me. 

  Pimplepuss
Hi. Most of the time my face is pretty clear and good. But my nose gets these ugly ass spawns from hell. Ive tried creams, and patches and stuff, and even just using a razor to cut em off, but they all ways grow back bigger than before. I don't eat much chocolate or greasy stuff, so what can I do to get rid of em? It seemed to start around the time I got into other games than quake, could it be the quake gods playing evil revange on me!?

-Lumpy 

First of all, greasy or chocolatey stuff doesn't matter.  Old wive's tale.  Same with sex.  It won't clear up your complexion, no matter how, er, hard you try.  I'm going to go ahead and bank on the gods ganging up on you.  However, there are some things you can do to appease them.  1) Drink water.  No, the water content in Mountain Dew is not enough.  I want you to drink at least 64oz a day of pure fresh watah.  2) Exfoliate.  Use a washcloth and a gentle cleanser (phisoderm or cetophil.  Anything stronger will just shock your skin into producing more oil.) and gently buff the skin on your nose.  3) Don't pick!  The bacteria on your hands and any poo under your nails or whatever will just get in there and make it worse.  A little tea tree oil diluted in water (you can get this at your local health food store) won't hurt, either.  Well, it might sting a little, but it'll help.  Just don't put it on your winkie. 

   Unf Unf Unf Unf OUCH
Okay, i really need help here Mynx... You see one time when i was, *ahem* pleasuring myself, all of a sudden i got this horrible shotting pain in the back of my neck! It hurt so bad i had to stop wacking, cause the more i did it the more it hurt. Now whenever i pleasure myself, i get a horrible pain in the back of my neck and i cannot continue to flog on. I am scared that my girlfriend will find out my problem, and then she will never want to be with me. I am scared that i will have to stop in the middle of something because my neck hurts so bad. What do I do Mynx? Do you think this could be a medical condition? Or is it god telling me sex is bad? Help please!

-Whackattacker 

This sounds like a simple case of a pulled muscle, perhaps a pinched nerve.  Try stretching out before you go pull your little pinkie.  Lifting more than your Q3A cd might also help.  Your girlfriend will understand - maybe she'll even rub your, um, neck FOR you.  Wouldn't that be nicer than doing it yourself?  And no, god would never tell you sex is bad.  We gotta reproduce, namsayn?

  Now A Word From The Mynxstress
My beloved Granddaddy has taken quite ill and isn't expected to live much longer.  I'm taking the kids - he's not even met the baby yet - and flying out to be with him right away, I'll be there at least 3 weeks.  The duration around the ole Dear Mynx homestead will be either "encore presentations", or guest hosting.  The past couple months have been really weird around here... I thank you for your continued support.


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